Can O' Whup-Ass

This Week in Poop Part 12: O Poop All Ye Faithful

• EAT MY POOP, GRANDMA: In Scotland (land of deflowered Schwinns and men in skirts) a granny by the name of Ethel McEwan came down with a nasty superbug called Clostridium Difficile. So in a spasm of coprophelic sadism her doctors decided it would be a good idea to make her eat her daughter's poop. That's right, in order to restore normal bacteria levels, gam-gam had her daughter's oopsy plop pumped through a tube down her throat. Is it just us, or has hospital food taken a turn for the worse? Perhaps it was that or haggis.
• AND THE OSCAR GOES TO: The world of late has been bewitched by the charms of "2 Girls, 1 Cup," a sly Brazilian romp wherein two cheeky ladies pinch loafs into a cup, slurp down the resulting mister softee fudge blizzard swirl and barf down each others' throats; a fine piece of cinema verite that was recently remade and given the less literal title "Atonement." The auteur behind the masterpiece has shared (in a court declaration) that  his performers sometimes prefer to eat chocolate instead of poop (ya think?). Marco Fiorito, in hot water for distributing obscene materials in the US, is now responsible for 2007's second most viral video, losing out only to Chris Crocker's "leave Britney alone" moment. Indeed, both have a similar effect on our appetite.
• TRAUMATIZED POOP WORMS OF WELLINGTON: When visionary New Zealander Coll Bell invented a new toilet that uses worms to compost human waste (rather than a septic tank), a local official raised concerns as to whether the poor worms were suffering psychological trauma by being forced to eat poop. A worm psychologist (vermicultural expert Patricia Nadu) was promptly whisked in to evaluate their delicate mental status. While the good news is that the worms were happy and reproducing, the bad news is that Ms. Nadu has slipped into a catatonic depression, having realized she gets paid to psychoanalize poop eating worms.
• THE POOP HURLERS OF O'FALLON: Taking a page from the playbook of the infamous Pooping Fingerpainter of Idaho Falls, a group of teenaged conceptual artistes recently created a dazzling act of interactive performance art when they filled a plastic bag with poop, drove to a Walgreens and hurled the bag through the open door. Upon impact the bag exploded, its foul contents splattering all over an alarmed pregnant shopper. We believe that this performance piece (currently untitled but we might suggest "Have Yourself a Poopy Little Christmas") is a brilliant commentary on rampant consumerism in the post-9/11 era.
• BUT IS IT ART? Santiago Sierra, an artist whose previous work includes pumping a German synagogue full of poisonous gas (when Hitler did a similar work in the '30s it wasn't nearly as well reviewed), has outdone himself by creating an installation that consists of 21 enormous blocks of human diddly-do. Currently on view at a London Gallery, the artist claims the aim of the work is to draw attention to the destitute latrine scavengers of India. However, we suspect it's a brilliant ruse on the part of Gaza's Palestinians who at last have found a lucrative means of desposing their excess gonch skidders.

This Week in Poop Part 11: The Passion of the Poop

• DOO-DOO DOLLS: When the people who decide the White House's drug policy (which means drugs taken OUTSIDE the White House; relax Laura, your Xanax is safe) decided that folks should get rid of unused prescription drugs lying around the house, their minds quite naturally drifted to ferret poop. The ensuing brainstorm resulted in an official recommendation that we all hide our unused pills in ferret feces in order to discourage potential garbage diving hop-heads from popping your stale oxycontin. To us, this plan seems to overlook the plain fact that anyone who buys a ferret for the express purpose of rolling their pills into  balls of their pet's oopsy-plop is most likely the sort of person who shouldn't be throwing any pills away as they probably need all they can get. Additionally, it ignores the fact that if an oxy-head will spend an evening on his knees in a truck stop bathroom, he'd likely swallow anything for a fix. Right, Mr. Limbaugh?
• OUR SAVIOR DID NOT EAT POOP: A sensitive group of super-Jesus-y Christians wants to prosecute the BBC for broadcasting "Jerry Springer: the Opera" because it depicts the son-o-God as a poop-eating pervert. This, despite the fact that the Bible itself is a copropheliac's paradise: God tells Ezekiel to eat poop (Ezekiel 4:12), instructs Aaron to burn cow poop as a sacrifice (Numbers 19:4), tells his priests he's gonna smear their faces with poop (Malachi 2:3), then talks some more about poop-eating (2 Kings 18:27). It seems to us that if J-Naz was into poo (and we're not saying he was), that particular apple didn't fall too far from the tree.
• BRIGADOO: In Scotland (are we surprised?), where men wear dresses and hump Schwinns and clone sheep so there will be more for them to boink, there's a new highland sports craze: extreme snow pooping. Yes, it seems fashionable of late for folks to hike into the hills, dig a hole in the snow and squeeze out a fudgesickle. Apparently it's actually a problem; when spring arrives the savory smell of boiling haggis is overcome by the aroma of thawing poo. Although a debate's afoot regarding which stench is preferable, a ranger by the annoying name of Heather Morning has been jigging along the high road trying to convince her fellow Scots to refrain from snow pooping by offering up her poop chute. Cheeky lass.
• DON'T ORDER THE PU-PU PLATTER: When in Taipei the discerning poo-aficianado may dine at the gorgeous Modern Toilet diner, where all the chairs are actually toilets and the food's made to look like poop. It's a chain; there are 12 of them throughout the island and business is booming, the owners are flush. Okay...that is so retarded, our head hurts a little bit. Hold on. Okay, we're back. Fine, Taiwan. Enjoy your little poo themed eateries. But the minute the fad's opposite becomes the rage, (and folks begin flocking to restaurant-themed shitteries) we'll have to ask for our check. Thanks.
• EXPLODING TOILETS: When John Jenkins took a seat in a port-o-san to give birth to a couple oompa loompas, it 'sploded. He's suing. A class action lawsuit is brewing against Kohler, whose model 81100 tends to act explode-y from time to time. Parents of a girl whose arm was nearly severed by an exploding oopsy throne are seeking damages. In England (surprised?) a public loo exploded with such force that it blew the roof off, lifted the surrounding pavement off the ground and damaged the nearby stoplight. And the capper: in Charlotte NC, a family's house was made unpleasant when an exploding commode  filled their house with poo. They called the Charlotte-Mecklenberg Utility Department, or CMUD (that joke is just too easy) to de-explodify their crapper. The family's name? Meet the Colons. Our head hurts.

This Week in Poop Part 10: On Her Majesty's Secret Poop

• DAWN HERB, POTTY MOUTH: In the dazzling metropolis that is Scranton, a woman by the name of Dawn Herb (we could have used some dawn herb this morning) knew her day was off to a bad start when her toilet started overflowing. Understandably enough, she started cursing at the disagreeable commode for turning her loo into an indoor poo fountain. Unfortch, her tirade offended the delicate sensibilities of Patrick Gilman (her next door neighbor and off-duty police officer). Officer Gilman promptly swept in, super-hero-like, and defended the toilet's honor by arresting Ms. Herb for disorderly conduct. She now faces 90 days in jail for verbally abusing her oopsy throne. We secretly hope the court case advances to the Supreme Court. However, we can predict how Scalia would vote. If one can cuss out a toilet, one could cuss out Scalia; it's a slippery -- and very short -- slope.
• DUDE, I'VE GOT SOME CHRONIC BUTTHASH: Attention concerned Moms of America! Kids in the idyllic eden of Collier County (tucked into the armpit of the retarded state of Florida), have found an alarming new hallucinogen. They've discovered a way to ferment a nasty concoction of poop and pee-pee in the sun and inhale the gases collected in a balloon. Street names include: "Winny," "Runners," "Fruit from Crack Pipe," "Leroy Jenkins," "Waste," "Butthash" (our fave), and the imaginative "Shit." We pause now to ask the obvious: What kind of hell is Collier County that its teens are reduced to making this kind of discovery? One shudders to think of how many variations of the recipe were tried before that "eureka" moment. How did the concerned parents fail to notice their little darlins turning into poo-sniffing "shit" heads?
• DAYUM, BITCH...WHAT U BEEN EATIN? Brooklyn, still traumatized by memories of the dreaded Boerum Hill Stoop Pooper, has a fresh nightmare to contend with. Last month, Nadege Brunacci was enjoying her "me" time in el baño, making ucky-poo and washing her filthy bits. Suddenly she noticed a seven foot python in her toilet. The permanently freaked-out woman, now understandably reluctant to take a seat on her porcelain bus, has resorted to using her daughter's training potty for loaf-pinching activities in the foreseeable future. Note to Nadege: lay off the curry.
• ALL THE PRESIDENT'S POOP: When President Bush took a trip to Austria, the Viennese were taken aback by his odd habit of traveling with his own portable outhouse; the Secret Service collects and guards Bush's patootie plop and regards it as a state secret. With good reason: when Gorbachev visited DC, the CIA secretly saved Mr. Ketchup-Head's gonch skidders for covert scientific scrutiny. Likewise, when His Hairiness President Assad of Syria attended King Hussein of Jordan's dirt nap ceremony, those yenta buttinskies from Israel discovered (after sifting through a cornucopia of pilfered Syrian turds), that Assad had cancer and diabetes. Although we rather wish our global leaders would refrain from playing with each others' poop for just a little while, Bush's waste-not-want-not shit collecting hobby has resulted in the animal kingdom making generous donations to his collection.
• SQUEEZE SOME POO IN YOUR SUBARU: Those ingenious Japanese have invented a brief case toilet designed for use while stuck in traffic. It comes complete with a privacy curtain for the more modest folks who are nonetheless inclined to drop their "fat man and little boy" payloads whilst sitting behind the wheel of Toyota at a red light.

This Week in Poop Part 9: Poop Hard With a Vengeance

• GRANNY TRAPPED IN CRAPPER: When Gwyneth Coles (an octogenarian broad from North Yorkshire) stopped by a public loo to drop the kids off at the pool, the caretaker quite sensibly locked her in for the night for her own safe keeping. We applaud the move, and encourage wider usage of public restrooms as after-hours holding tanks for the wrinkle set, as no one really wants absent-minded oldsters roaming hither and yon past sun-down, bumping into things and shuffling about in the dark. The great-grandmother's family eventually noticed her absence, and made half-hearted inquiries with the police for the sake of appearances. Meanwhile, according her story,  the plucky oldster survived the twelve hour overnight stay by "eating biscuits." We hope she meant that literally, and it wasn't one of those quaint British euphemisms.
• POOP-EATING ROBOTS: Elsewhere in the Queen's realm, robotics experts have developed a robot that will run only when pooped upon. Only the British would envision a brighter future to include poop-bots scuttling about serving scones and switching off the telly.
• THE DREADED POOPING FINGERPAINTER OF IDAHO FALLS: The glorious the state of Idaho (home of tap-dancing mens room frequenter Senator Larry Craig) is currently being terrorized by a stealth copropheliac along the lines of the rather unpopular Stoop Pooper of Boerum Hill Brooklyn and the decidedly inconsiderate Serial Pooper of Clickheaton, located in (where else?) England. However, the phantom loaf pincher of Idaho Falls has added a personal flourish; apparently, whoever it is fancies him/herself an artiste. Dazzling abstract expressionist fingerpaintings are the phantom's distinct calling card, executed with a limited brownish palette. Curators at the Guggenheim are considering a retrospective.
• THE TOILET MAN OF SUWEON: When Sim Jae-Duck's mum was about to squeeze him through her shame hole, she dashed to the nearest latrine. Why? Because in Korea (the nation that gave the world the Hyundai and 1001 delicious dog meat recipes) it's considered good luck to sneeze out a womb booger in a toilet (one sincerely hopes the converse isn't the case; we hate to imagine a Hyundai full of Koreans swinging by a hospital to poop in the maternity ward on their way to a casino). At any rate, starting life in a public facility had quite an effect on Sim. While psychiatrists theorize that lots of folks wanna return to the womb (personally we do not; and even if we did, we sincerely doubt our mother would be amenable to the idea), Sim has exhibited an oddly touching desire to return to the toilet; he has built a $1.6 million dollar mansion in the shape of a porcelain throne. One imagines the fights he might have with his wife were he to leave the seat up on the house.

This Week in Poop Part 8: Poop and Let Die

• MMM, THAT'S GOOD COFFEE: In Australia, some folks decided it would be a good idea to feed coffee beans to a civet cat, and brew it after it emerges from the kitty-cat's poop hole. As with all exceedingly disgusting foods, it has quickly become a delicacy; A cup o' French Roasted Tabby Crap Au Lait goes for 50 bucks in the more trendy cafes.
• SPEAKING OF CAT POOP: When the Jack Nicholson/Helen Hunt flick "As Good as it Gets" premiered in Hong Kong, it was re-titled based on Jack's character's name: Melvin. Unfortch, when "Melvin" was translated into Chinese, an unforseen gaffe occurred, and the film responsible for Helen Hunt's ill-gotten Oscar for playing a crybaby shiksa waitress was marketed to unimpressed Hong Kongians as "Mr. Cat Poop."
• PIMP DADDY SCHOOLS HIS BITCHES IN HIS MAD ASS-WIPIN' SKILLS: Terrance Howard (pimp portrayer, yesteryear's Oscar hopeful) told Elle Magazine in an interview that he don't roll with no ho who don't use a wetnap after dropping the kids off at the pool. Regular Charmin don't do the trick. Howard schools his classy-ass ladies in how he likes them to clean their shame zone and oopsy-holes after making ucky-poo and orders them to stock up on wetnaps during their next extra-crispy purchase at KFC. Cause a pimp has standards, yo.
• SEWAGE FOR KIDS: We have stumbled across an amusing website wherein the Metropolitan Wastewater Department invite the lucky children of San Diego to put sewage on their faces. It also includes recipes for food that looks like sewage (sewage soda and sludge cakes are two mouth-watering examples). Although we're not exactly sure why the copropheliac city of San Diego wants its kids to play with poop, the recipes make perfect sense; it prepares the li'l tykes for what they'll be fed on a daily basis in the unfortunate scenario of a Jenna Bush presidency.
• POOP SURFING IN GAZA: Celebrated surf-Jew Dr. Dorian Paskowitz recently delivered fifteen boards to Palestinian surfers in Gaza, a generous act of interfaith philanthropy that momentarily makes one forget to ponder the complications of surfing in full hijab. Sadly, however, the boards may have a more practical use. Gaza's escalating population has sorely taxed its sewer system, the consequences of which were seen last March when a treatment facility exploded, sending a tidal wave of poop through a village which resulted in five deaths and an exceedingly unpleasant rescue and recovery effort. Experts predict that poop surfing is set to become a popular Gazan pastime, second only to missile dodging and rubble-sifting.

This Week in Poop Part 7: Poopfinger

• WELCOME TO OUR HAPPY FUN OLYMPICS! HAVE SOME POOP: In an effort bolster its sterling image in advance of the 2008 Olympics, China is trying to distract folks away from unfortunate stuff like its global assault on children, its genocide sponsorship, its hooker parades and its burgeoning organ-o-rama kidney clearing house by selling panda poop souvenirs. The Chengdu Panda Breeders have taken to molding panda plop into adorable figurines depicting pandas competing in Olympic events. We dare not ask what the figurines depicting people competing in Olympic events are made from.
• MEANWHILE, IN BEIJING: It has been decided that the locals may no longer enjoy the convenience of ordering moo-shoo pork at the many public restrooms here. Apparently it's one-stop shopping in Beijing, where one may sit on the porcelain throne whilst slurping down a steaming pu-pu platter of duck head chow mein. No more, say the authorities. You'll have to brown bag it from now on.
• VINDALOO GIVES US THE TROTS: Sheikh Mohsin hails from the dazzling metropolis of Kolata India, where one day he got the bright idea in his noggin to steal a necklace. When cornered by the fuzz, he swallowed it. The police promptly tried to force him to poop it out again by feeding him oodles of bananas. However, it was chicken and rice (who knew, this being India?) that eventually enticed the brown necklace express to pull into the station. We see a bollywood extravaganza in the stars.
• THE FUDGE PACKING QUEEN OF ANNAPOLIS: A classy dame by the name of Catherine Ann Delgado recently staggered into a local hotel, and claimed to have been molested. When police were called, they discovered her pockets to be packed with hundreds of dollars worth of fudge she'd stolen from the nearby Uncle Bob's Fudge Kitchen (funny, that used to be Tom Cruise's member name on Manhunt.com). She subsequently tried to dispose of her hot fudge by flushing it down the can. Bachelors of Maryland, you may contact this charming princess at the Anne Arundel County Detention Center.
• THE SERIAL POOPER OF CLICKHEATON: Apparently taking his cue from the dreaded stoop pooper of Boerum Hill, a serial pooper has been terrorizing the populace of this sleepy West Yorkshire town. Closed circuit television finally nabbed the classy gent, who was regular as clockwork and frequently pulled the car over in the same place to pinch a loaf or two on his way home from work. Investigators are relieved to have ruled out the possible existence of a disturbing cult of ritual gang-poopers. Sir, if you're reading this, there's a little jailbird in Maryland whose fudge-besmeared ring finger is the loneliest place in town.

This Week In Poop Part 6: Poop Another Day

• The lucky citizens of Mead Nebraska are all a-twitter in their excitement as they welcome their newest neighbor: The Genesis Plant, which makes ethanol out of cow poop. Yay! Fortunately, however, since Nebraska is comprised of 40% cornfields, 50% cow poop and 10% Wal-Mart, no one has actually noticed. It even escaped the attention of those lucky families who live downwind of the plant, as they are momentarily distracted by their plummeting home values. Speaking of which...
• One way to fight gentrification: amongst the lovely, recently gut-renovated brownstones in Brooklyn's freshly fashionable Boerum Hill neighborhood, the residents are being taunted, nay, plagued by a mysterious stoop-pooper. Apparently, some crazy-ass woman is leaving her calling card on the front steps of some of the nicer gut renovated brownstones. This is quite obviously a brilliant ploy on the part of a renter who's trying to keep property values (and market rate rents) in check. The livid blog entries by hysterical yuppy homeowners make us wonder if our mysterious pooptress should expand her franchise.
• For thousands of years, geishas of Japan have kept their ravishing clown-white complexions by rubbing nightingale poop on their faces (because what red-blooded gentleman doesn't want to play pachinko under the kimono of a bitch smeared in birdy crap). At long last, non-geishas can experience the delicate luxury of the bird poop facial for vast amounts of money at the Diamond Spa in Maui. Make your reservations today!!
• Retarded Fort Lauderdale mayor Jim Naugle is convinced the gays are trying to take over his quaint seaside hamlet (um...we think that ship has, like, sailed). So to prevent any man-on-man buttsurfing in public restrooms, Naugle proposes purchasing "robo-toilets" at a quarter million a pop (paid for, no doubt with the many millions spent by the faggots in Lauderdale). These cutting edge privies play music, self-clean...and oh yeah, the door flies open after just a few minutes, or "not long enough for illegal sex," according to Naugle (hmm...but enough time for legal sex? His poor wife). Be that as it may, depending on our diet's current bran content, on some days the train takes longer to pull into the station. Are good heterosexual Christians prepared to have their bathroom door fly open mid push? That might make Jesus sad. Speaking of which...
• Citizens of the dazzling mecca of Chongquing China are beaming with pride over their town's newest addition: an Egyptian-themed thousand-stall restroom (note to Naugle: think of all the buttsex! Here, have a wetnap). Spread over four floors and 32,290 square feet, featuring Virgin Mary-shaped urinals (okay, we think that's hilarious) and an open-air pooping garden, locals hope their mega-john will give their town the shot in the arm it needs to become a major tourist destination. Tourist official Lu Xiaoqing proudly brags of "spreading toilet culture." That's civic pride.

This Week in Poop Special Edition: Mitt Romney's Dog Torturing Poop-Mobile!

ASSHAT, MA -- So it's like this. Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney fondly tells the hilarious anecdote about how in 1983 he took the family for a twelve hour road trip and when they stopped they discovered that their station wagon was covered in dog poop. The creepy Mormon uses this lil' yarn as an example of his ability to make the best of an icky situation. Except there's a little problem.

The reason his station wagon was covered with dog poop is he'd shoved the beloved Romney family pet into a kennel, which he then lashed it to the top of the car, subjecting a poor Irish Setter named Seamus to a terrifying 12-hour ordeal. As we know, dogs tend to poop when stressed out or scared to death. Seamus obliged.

As one can imagine, now that they've gotten wind of the situation the Massachusetts SPCA has a little bit of a problem with this stunt, calling it "an illegal act." PETA said of the incident "(it was) a lesson in cruelty...that dog was tortured." This is no surprise really; Romney, who believes in cannibalism dismemberment and rape (but only under special circumstances), has also come out in favor of "enhanced interrogation techniques" when it comes to gathering intelligence from suspected terrorists.

Perhaps our favorite non-Osmond Mormon has forgotten that the kennel strapped to the roof of the family car is where the surplus wives are supposed to ride.

What is it with right wing politicians and poop?

This Week in Poop Part 5: Poop on a Plane

• On a flight from Amsterdam to Newark, New Jersey the lavatories erupted like Krakatoa, sending rivers of poop down the aisles of the plane. While Continental offered $500 flight vouchers to the 200 traumatized and grossed-out passengers, we believe that sitting next to a river of poop was good practice for being in Newark.
• Chinese people are trying to figure out how to make panda poop paper. Because their exports aren't quite nasty enough.
• In Isaiah 36:12, God tells us to eat our poop and drink our pee.  In Ezekiel 4:12 through 4:15, God tells Ezekiel to make his bread with "the dung that come out of man," but when Ezekiel tells God that poop bread is gross, God says "oh for heaven's sake, you whiny crybaby! Fine. You can bake your bread with cow poop instead."
• Chinese scientists are measuring evironmental changes over the last several millenia and the effects of recent global warming by studying penquin poop. One can only hope they publish their findings on panda poop paper.
• Here, a person writes to Self Help Magazine (which we loathe from the title alone), to ask about a dream they had where they were stumbling around the countryside covered in poop and when they approached a farm, the farmer family ran inside the house and locked their doors (quick thinking, farm family). Self Help Magazine responds by cruelly handing the questioner a truckload of crap (talking about Jung and "prima materia" and Krishna...hold on while we roll our eyes...ok, back). Our interpretation of your disgusting dream? You're nasty and no one likes you.

This Week in Poop Part 4: The Empire Poops Back

• Ms. Suzanne Marie Butts is charged with stealing three rolls of toilet paper from the Marshalltown Iowa courthouse. Though a minor offense, Butts is a repeat offender with a rap sheet for shoplifting, so she could go to prison for up to three years. To recap: Butts took toilet paper, could end up in can.
• Bonney Eberandu of England (notice how a disproportionate number of poop stories originate from the British Commonwealth?) is on trial for pooping on trains. No, not in the loo. In the aisles. Repeatedly, over several months. His excuse? He had voices in his head telling him to stab some bitches and pooping on a train made those thoughts go away. Dude. The voices in your head didn't go away. They were grossed out and lost their train of thought. RELATED: A train driver in Germany had to go number one so he opened the door and unzipped. Then he fell out and died.
• The town of Newport Wales (OMG, SEE??) has been flooded with poop. Again.
• In Hong Kong (not a member of the British Commonwealth since 1997), one Mr. Cho Pui-kee, a 77 year old man, strangled his wife of 48 years for constantly refusing to let him use the toilet. Okay, he over reacted a little bit, but if his jail cell has its own facilities we're pretty sure he considers prison an improvement.
• Toto Ltd. (a Tokyo-based toilet maker) recently recalled 180,000 bidets because of a wiring problem. They tend to burst into flames when put to use. Wow. Expecting a refreshing stream of water in your tuchus and instead having your butthole cauterized shut by a sudden blast of fire? That's enough to wreck your whole day, huh?