Can O' Whup-Ass

CRAP YOU COVET: Dazzling New T-Shirt Designs

We hear you, ass-whuppers. "Why, oh why," you exclaim, "why can't I find a t-shirt about buttplugs?"

Well, you can put a cork in your kvetching. Because we are thrilled to announce the unveiling of five dazzling new designs. Take note, Ms. Wintour. Prick up your ears, Mr. Lagerfeld. Is there an aching void in your soul that can only be filled by an Aunt Betsy mug? Would a set of greeting cards tastefully paying homage boobie-girlies complete you? The answers to those questions are, of course, "yes."

Thank us not. Just whip out your MasterCard and clothe your pets and family. Adorn your fridge with fagnets. Do it.

And to help us roll out our gorgeous summer line of COWA t-shirts (and other Crap You Covet), we have enlisted four regular guest contributors to provide the romance copy.

Clicking on the t-shirts will open a new window which will enable you to enlarge, browse and of course purchase at Cafe Press.

The first two designs (also available in "Jesus Asks What I Would Do")...

Glory! As I wrote in the last edition of God-Beat, my gospel choir The Peducah Praise Singers recently sold out of J.A.W.I.W.D. (Jesus Asks What I Would Do) t-shirts after performing our latest single "My Fanny's an Exit" at the Fayetteville Rapture Daze BBQ and Hootenanny. When the last XXL was sold, we narrowly avoided a riot when a quick-thinking Trudy Plank told a little fib about deep fried Ho-Hos being sold 'round back the Daniel's Den Petting Zoo! Praise be to Jesus, that nice Mr. WAM has stepped in to the fill the demand. It was awfully nice of him to also create a W.W.J.B.D. t-shirt! Because when faced with a moral dilemma, I like to ask what I would do, and I often end up doing just that! I personally purchased 100-packs of J.A.W.I.W.D. and W.W.J.B.D stickers and spent a giddy afternoon pasting them on everything in my house! (my new ferret Baroness Betty Bounce-alot didn't particularly care for the sticker I slapped on her, but she'll get used to it.) And although I disapprove of thongs, as I believe Jesus gets nervous when anything gets near a Christian's buttcrack, I'm sure The Lord has blessed my new W.W.J.B.D. thong! Glory! 
-- Jeannie Bladdersham

The next design...

Well hidee-didee-doodle-all-day! Here I sit, cozily ensconced in my gorgeous (and freshly Scotch-Guarded) House Beautiful divan with Okra-and-Peach Floral Explosion upholstery. I've just finished a yummy plate of microwaved leftover poodle casserole (note to self: send a sympathy card to Lance and Bruce, the sodomites next door whose insufferable pet seems to have wandered off. LOL.) And now, fully sated, I can enjoy the satisfaction of gazing with pride at my trophy case which is stuffed to the gills with all my Tournament Level Yahtzee trophies. When I'm not answering scads of pitiful letters from desperate advice-seekers, I'm either playing Yahtzee, thinking about Yahtzee, or refereeing a Tournament Regulation sudden-death tie-breaking Yahtzee knife fight. It was inevitable, natch, that my regal visage would be immortalized in t-shirt form. "Confessions of a Yahtzee Nazi" indeed! I wonder if that darling dog shirt would fit my kitty cat Mr. Sillypants? If not I can always re-gift it to Lance and Bruce! LOL!
-- Aunt Betsy

Followed by this design...

Herro, and welcome for coming! I so so so am to riking this shirt of tee! It show twelve happy fun China girlie peoples who are to having funny neglo aflo hair stuffs! They are to waking up dragon in my Aquaman Underoos! As Mister Shake-a-spear is to saying: "Some peoples are born naughty-fun boobie-girly, other peoples are to achieve a naughty-fun boobie-girly, and every other peoples are having naughty-fun boobie girly thrust upon their stuffs!" Which one are you to being, yankee boy? If we to give Naughty-Fun Boobie-Girly shirts to poopy sad Tibet peoples, they no to making us do stompy angry sending laughy happy pow-guns to make them do funny jerky bullet dance! Then all stuffs be dory-hunky! WE ARE WANTING TO MAKE BOUNCY SEXY STUFFS WITH NAUGHTY-FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY! WE ARE TO WEARING NAUGHTY FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY TANK TOP! WE CARRY NAUGHTY-FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY WATER BOTTLE IN HAPPY GOOD NAUGHTY-FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY TOTE BAG!! DOKIE-OKIE?
--Hu Jintao

And finally...

When butt-banging sphincter boy WAM asked me to provide my c*nt-fisting critique of his c*ck-smoking m*therf*cking t-shirt design, how could I say "no" to the ass-spelunking jizz-gargler? And I must say I admire this goddamned design. Indeed, finger-popping sh*t suckers, Buttplugs are NOT just for Homos Anymore. What d*ck-slurping expectant mother wouldn't love to be seen at the rectum-poking A&P in her "Buttplugs" maternity tee? And once her stank-ass butt-ramming queef-box shoots her gash-banging sh*t-machine baby from her dong-squatting goddamned bloody-ass thighs, she can clothe her lil' ass-bandit in a "Buttplugs" onesie. This goddamned design is so m*therf*cking chic, it's making me squirt some f*ckin bitch-c*m outa my muff-punching goddamned boner box!
-- Sailor Talkin' Sue

xox
WAM

Anna Wintour sez: "You can take my Boobie-Girly Tote Bag (and my subscription to this blog's feed) when you pry it from my cold colder dead deader hands!"

Ohio-ho, Ass Punchers! It's a [email protected]#&!? News Break with Sailor-Talkin' Sue!!

NEW YORK -- Once again, our favorite Tourette's-afflicted anchornegress (freshly recovered after having her potty mouth gang-soaped by The Peducah Praise Singers) has a hot-off-the-m*therf*cking-presses news bulletin she needs to share. We know better than to argue.

Take it away, Sue!

Thanks, butt-reaming poof-bitch.

I've just received g*ddamned word that the sphincter-sucking rectal boy who writes this c*nt-licking blog is pulling up m*therf*cking stakes and temporarily relocating to the sh*t-kicking c*cksucker capital of the g*ddammned world, Co-f*cking-lumbus, O-f*ggot-*ss-Hio. It seems that O-f*ggot-*ss-Hio State Uni-g*ddamned-versity saw fit to award the *ss-banging cat-fister a m*therf*cking residency, and he's going to hang his ball-bouncing hat at the g*ddamned Thurber House, where that fart-sucking colon poker James Thurber grew up. While he's there the *ss-humping poo-puncher will be teaching m*therf*cking classes, chairing a butt-fisting symposium (whatever the f*ck THAT means), and watching his c*nt-ramming tw*t-licking j*zz-gargling play get produced by a bunch of theatre f*ggots.

Don't get your nuts in a twist, bone-gobblers. This sh*t-stuffing *ss-licking m*therf*cking g*ddamned blog will continue. But maybe not every rectum-humping day, *ss-pirates. So keep your c*ck-squatting tw*t-licking aquaman underoos clean, butt-burglars.

More as this fart-blocking p*d-sitting sh*t-sucking g*ddamned m*therf*cking story develops. I'm Sue f*ck-me-where-I-fart Simmons. Back to your regularly scheduled *ss-fisting program, g*ddamnit.

Sue sez: "Subscribe to this blog's feed, you nut-gargling sphincter-pirates"

Bienvenue, Butt Bandits! It's the &#@$&! News Roundup With Sailor-Talkin' Sue!!

NEW YORK -- When gruff-but-lovable Channel Four anchornegress Sue Simmons lobbed the F-bomb live on the air, rumors swirled regarding her future as New G*ddamned York's favorite sapphic teleprompter reader. Still reeling from the shock of hearing a cuss word, gotham's notoriously chaste populace seemed poised to bid her ba-donk-a-donk adieu.

However, defying the odds, Ms. Simmons began sporatic foul-mouthed broadcasts aimed at a specific sociopathic niche audience. The results have been astounding. We are proud to present another snippet from her most recent edition of the $&#@?&! News Roundup!

Top o' the morning, sh*t stuffers! I'm Sue "bang-my-bleeding-b*tch-box" Simmons, and this is the c*ck-smoking news:

• Over the weekend, fart-felching *ss pirate Pope Benedict visited the g*ddamned nation of Aus-f*cking-stralia. During the pud-poking pontif's stay, he told crowds of adoring dingo-banging sphincter burglars he was "sorry" about all those tw*t spelunking priests who poked their d*ck-bouncing children up the poo-hole. His m*therfucking Holiness, who lives in a g*ddamned mansion the size of a sh*t slurping city, stuffed to the tits with priceless bone-bouncing art, also chastised the nation of koala-raping turd-bandits for being too m*therf*cking materialist.
• Yesterday, as c*nt-diving bitch-boy Barack "a watermelon in every g*ddamned pot" Obama continued his pole-smoking tour of the Middle-f*cking-East, he met with an *ss-load of official camel-f*cking sand f*ggots. Jizz-guzzling boner boy Nuri Kamal al-Maliki (Prime g*ddamned Minister of Iraq), commented that he favors a m*therf*cking withdrawal of butt-banging troops, lending his f*ggot-ass support to Obama's c*cksucking draw-down proposal. This drew the muff-spelunking ire from the cow-fisting Bush administration, who took a break from f*cking the America up the sh*t chute to condemn the remarks.
• Concerned that the g*ddamned values of his butt-blasting family were at stake, a goat-f*cking baptist hillbilly from South Carolina beat his scrotum slurping son with a baseball bat as he returned from a gay pride rectum rodeo. Praying to g*ddamned Jesus f*cking Christ as he bludgeoned sh*t-blocking boy had little g*ddamned effect; the f*ggot-ass c*ck pirate is now on the lam as the pud-pounding police have a warrant for his g*ddamned arrest.
• A fart-blocking piss perv from Columbus Ohio is enraging the sphincter sucking butt b*tches who live there. Seems the sh*t sucking ass-bandit likes to collect boy pee and drink it like a g*ddamned pina colada. C*nt sniffing police are unable to arrest the butt-banging urine slurper, as it's currently not a m*therf*cking crime to guzzle piss in O-f*ck-me-where-I-stink-Hio.
• *ss pirates everywhere creamed their g*ddamned underoos on Saturday night as Project "f*ck-me-where-I-poo" Runway launched its fifth butt-ramming season. Sixteen f*ggot-*ss cum-garglers created m*therf*cking hideous dresses out of sh*tty-*ss groceries. Kelly won, making Heidi "bone-me-up-the-butt" Klum scheize her pants over her fart-felching fanny-fisting dress made out of m*therf*cking vacuum bags, while butt-spelunker Jerry got his *ss aufed for shoving his c*nt-licking model down the g*ddamned runway in a m*therf*cking shower curtain.   

Ahoy, *ss-Munchers! It's a #@!%& News Brief from Sailor Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- Our favorite foul-mouthed anchornegress has alerted us that she has a news item that's hot off the g*ddamned presses, and we know better than to argue with her.

Take it away, Sue!

Hello, butt-bandits! I'm Sue "f*ck-me-where-I-poo" Simmons, and this is a g*ddamned c*cksucking news brief:

I interrupt your g*ddamned f*ggoty day to bring you this goat-f*cking piece of *ss-fisting news. Whup-ass Master (the m*therf*ckin sphincter-banging author of this *ss-felching blog), is taking a few d*ck-smoking days in the sh*t-sucking metropolis of Columbus Ohio. One of his f*ggot-*ss plays is being produced by Ohio State University (home of the bone-me-up-the-butt Buckeyes), and he's hauled his c*ck-poked *ss on a plane to be there for some tw*t-munching pre-production meetings.

That means this c*nt-banging blog is un-f*cking-likely to have many fist-me-til-I-fart postings in the next few g*ddamned days. So stick that c*ck in your mouths and smoke it.

This m*therf*cking story and others, on the next f*ggot-*ss edition of the %#@&! News with Sailor Talkin' Muff-Bangin Butt-Humping Sue.

We return your c*ck-sitting *sses to your regularly scheduled g*ddamned program, m*therf*ckers.

Bend Over, Pole Smokers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue!!

NEW YORK -- Fresh after lobbing the f-bomb (the one that rhymes with "truck," not "maggot") on live television—thereby scarring the delicate psyche of her New York audience and endangering her illustrious, booze-fueled career—butch anchornegress Sue Simmons took lemons and made some g*ddamned lemonade.

Since launching her niche-targeted specialty news magazine, the raunchy teleprompter reader has gained a small but rabidly loyal audience, all of whom think a "V-Chip" is an IUD. Here at COWA, we are proud once again to bring you an exclusive peek at the most recent telecast of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. As always, you're welcome in advance.

Wilkommen, pud-wankers! My name is Sue "muff-stuffin sphincter b*tch" Simmons, and this is the *ss-banging news:

• Those g*ddamned Bible boning goat f*ckers at The Westboro Baptist Church (the *ss-spelunking sh*twads who picket the c*cksucking funerals of dead f*cking soldiers) have announced they're going to load every fat-*ss tw*t in their inbred Jesus-humping family of retarded hillbilly f*ggots onto a g*ddamned bus so they can protest the d*ck-smoking memorial of that butt-f*cker George Carlin. They claim Mr. Carlin is currently being *ss-raped by beelzebub for his g*ddamned potty mouth.
• Oxycontin-addicted fat-*ss and Republican sp*rm-gargler Rush Limbaugh opened his c*ck-throating lard-hole to opine that fetus-f*cking Democrats enjoy "bending over and grabbing their ankles" for voters of the nappy-headed pick-a-ninny spear-chucking variety, and for b*tt-humping d*ck-banging f*ggots. Mr. Limbaugh, neocon c*m-dumpster and blubber-choked hophead, has used this g*ddamned anal analogy before, when in 2005 he accused baby-boning fart-felching RNC Chairman Ken "suck-me-til-I-ooze" Mehlman of "bending over and grabbing his ankles" when he offered an *ss-licking apology to the NAACP. It has become rather g*ddamned apparent that Rush "is-it-in-yet?" Limbaugh's sweaty mant*ts start lactating at the c*ck-smoking thought of dropping his sh*t-stained Dockers and getting plowed up the poo-chute by a size f*cking ten jizz-spewing negro trouser pony.
• Creepy g*ddamned midget Vern Troyer (aka "mini-f*cking-me") has released a nasty-*ss barf-inducing f*ck flick wherein his skanky c*nt-fisting ex uses the hideous g*ddamned oompa-loompa in much the same way that Buddhist f*ggot Richard "The Dalai-Lama-f*cked-me-in-the-*ss-and-all-I-got-was-this-g*ddamned-t-shirt" Gere used a sh*t stained gerbil back in the g*ddamned day.
• Widely adored fat-*ss and wealthy g*ddamned m*ff-fisting negress Oprah "sniff-me-where-I-poo" Winfrey grossed the f*ck out of everyone at Mandela's *ss-raping birthday party when she took off her stank-*ss shoes and pranced her fat f*cking *ss around barefoot. Cow-felching celebrities lost their g*ddamned $5,000 dinners at the butt-boning sight of Oprah's m*therfucking bunions, which where bigger than c*cksucking rhino scroti.
• D*ck smoking f*ggots and crack smoking g*ddamned celebrities creamed their f*cking jeans in Milan recently, when the Fashion World's top *ss-banging designers took a break from giving rusty f*cking trombones to anorexic heroin addicts to unveil their ugly-*ss men's 2009 summer collections. Alexander "finger-bang-my-butthole" McQueen showed the kind of "f*ck-me-in-the-*ss" silhouettes that appeal primarily to fart-felching Fire Island sphinter-f*ckers. Meanwhile, the "fist-me-til-I-fart" Prada show was all about a bunch of g*ddamned fairies mincing about dressed as nut-gargling *ss-bangers. Versace's line seemed aimed not only at discerning jizz-guzzling butt-lickers, but also sh*t-packing jetset c*ck-sitters.

We pause now for a c*nt-fisting word from our *ss-boning sponsor, Depends. Depends: for the wrinkle-*ss pants-pooping grandma on the g*ddamned go. Keep your butt-licking *sses parked, m*therf*ckers. We'll be right the f*ck back.

Aloha, *ss-Lickers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup With Sailor Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- As our faithful readership is well aware, a short while back New York's favorite Tourette's-afflicted teleprompter reader Sue Simmons got all potty-mouthed on live television, boisterously letting fly a word that starts with "F" and rhymes with "duck." After sobering up, the sapphic anchornegress apologized to her shocked viewers for offending the notoriously delicate sensibilities of New Yorkers. But in a startling career move, she has since begun broadcasting sporatic newscasts that are highly targeted to a very specific niche. Below, we proudly include the partial transcript of her latest edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. You're welcome.

Good evening, c*ck-smokers. I'm Sue "lick me where I pee" Simmons, and here's the g*ddamned news:

• Withered c*nt-licking b*ttwipe Hugh Hefner had a m*therf*cking birthday party last night, during which his skank-tastic donkey-f*cking girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson presented the 82-year-old whore magnet a g*ddamned chocolate mold of her sh*tty *sshole. The classy tw*t had her nasty-*ss buns molded in white f*cking chocolate, with a dollop of dark chocolate for her fist-f*cked sphincter. The Jurassic g*ddamned sperm hydrant devoured it enthusiastically, stuffing the c*nt-banging confection down his muff-grazing pie hole.
• M*therf*cking baboon-*ss Robert Mugabe took a break from eating hyena sh*t to call on his c*cksucking militia to wage war on his own g*ddamned people if he loses the fake-*ss butt-banging elections next month. This, after starving the sh*t-eating Zimbabweans who support his opponent, sending his rhino-f*cking goons after those who "voted the wrong g*ddamned way" in the first f*ggoty election, expelling all zebra-felching aid groups, and flushing his nation down the sh*thole. Reports of c*ck-sucking *ss-spelunking citizens being told the g*ddamned police will watch how they vote (and beat the f*cking sh*t out of them if they don't vote for that *ss-licking monkey-f*cker Mugabe) are common. At 180,000% inflation, dwindling g*ddamned food supplies, rampant f*cking starvation and a big-*ss mass exodus taking place, there isn't going to be a single m*therf*cker left to vote in the sh*t-sucking f*ggot-*ss election anyway.
• Last g*ddamned Friday, Mary Esther (some f*cking whore with a boner for Jesus) was walking with her two adorable pieces of c*nt plop across the *ss-banging parking lot of a cat-f*cking Target. All of a sudden, both she and her diaper-sh*tting scream machines were almost mowed the f*ck down by a f*ggot-ass PT Cruiser. Always the m*therf*cking Christian, muff-munchin' Mary approached the g*ddamned driver to inform her that they were all right, no f*cking thanks to her. The sphincter-sucking whore behind the wheel squeezed out of the car and called Mary the "B" word. Ms. Esther, a baby-fisting fetus-f*cking Baptist, responded by handing the woman a flyer from her c*ck-sucking church. The rude driver reacted by yanking down her m*therf*cking stretch pants and wiping her stank-ass tw*t with the flyer before stuffing her fat *ss back into the car and speeding the f*ck away.
• A bunch of m*therf*cking journalism students from the f*ggot-*ss city of Copenhagen got their sh*tty asses kicked off of sit-on-my Facebook for posting g*ddamned pictures of themselves killing and eating a butt-f*cking kitty cat. As it turns out, the nut-gargling retards did it to raise c*nt-licking awareness of *ss-pumping animal cruelty. While that strikes this muff-banging reporter as slightly akin to f*cking to promote abstinence, the m*therf*cking students claimed that roast f*cking kitty cat au gratin is chewy and tastes like g*ddamned *ss.
• Today, President "If-I-was-any-g*ddamned-stupider-you'd-hafta-water-me-twice-a-week" Bush dragged his inebriated chain-smoking wife to the f*ggot-*ss Vatican for a meeting with the butt-fisting Pope. While Laura was passed out in some f*cking fountain, the two men held hands and pranced about the g*ddamned grounds, each finding some c*nt-licking common ground in the f*cking fact that they're both doing all the f*ck they can to speed the end of the g*ddamned world.

We pause now for an *ss-munching word from the m*therf*ckers at Playtex, who want every skanky b*tch to cram their g*ddamned tampons up their tw*ts. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, butt-f*ckers.

Yo, F*ck-wads! It's Time Again for the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- A while back, Tourettes-afflicted anchornegress Sue Simmons, having lobbed the "F" word at her deeply traumatized audience of prim New Yorkers, seemed to have experienced an irreparable career implosion. However, in a daring career move, the once-adored closeted lesbian launched a demographically targeted news broadcast that best suited her talents as a teleprompter reader.

The results were spectacular.

Therefore, due to popular demand, we proudly present another edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue Simmons. No need to thank us:

Good evening, *ss-lickers. I'm Sue m*ther-f*cking Simmons, and this is the g*ddamned news.

• Today, Naomi c*nt-face Campbell was charged at g*ddamned airport court for slapping the m*therf*cking sh*t out of two f*ggoty cops. The f*cking altercation arose in April when some d*ke stewardess told Ms. f*ck-me-in-the-*ss Campbell that her c*cksucking luggage hadn't made it onto the g*ddamned plane. The *ss-felching, fire breathing c*nt threw a f*cking sh*t fit and had her tw*t thrown off the *ss-f*cking aircraft by her b*tch-*ss pubes. The statuesque c*nt-muncher faces a possible six months in m*therf*cking prison, where her new-found mopping skills just might help a tw*t avoid getting fisted up her sh*tty *ss by a lesbo d*ke cellmate.
• The g*ddamned ch*nks in China got sand up their horizontal c*nts because of another horizontal c*nt by the name of Sharon p*ss-up-my-poo-hole Stone. Ms. look-at-my-ancient-tw*t Stone had opined that the *ss-licking earthquake that buried more c*cksucking ch*nk babies than Chairman needle-c*ck Mao, was karmic m*therf*cking payback for smacking around the g*ddamned f*ggot-*ss Tibetan monks like a bunch of c*nt-licking three dollar whores who "no like sucky." The ch*nk-*ss Chinese Government has reacted by banning Ms. saggy-tw*t Stone's films, adding m*therf*cking insult to g*ddamned injury by depriving the *sshole ch*nks the butt-f*cking pleasures of "Basic F*ggoty Instinct 2."
• Today at the d*ck-smoking corporate headquarters of Bear lick-me-where-I-sh*t Stearns, a fat-*ss f*ggoty c*nt by the name of James "oops-I-just-f*cked-15,000-employees-up-the-butt" Cayne, erstwhile chairman and current douchebag, said "I'm sorry." Then he gave the m*therf*cking keys to J f*cking P f*cking Morgan f*cking Chase. Cayne, a tw*t banging troll, has grown to look a lot like Rumple-f*cking-stilskin, except instead of spinning g*ddamned straw into m*therf*cking gold, the withered old c*cksucker discovered a g*ddamned way to reverse the f*cking process.
• All the g*ddamned stars in the m*therf*cking heavens were out in full c*nt-chomping glory at Radio Sh*tty Music Hall the other g*ddamned night for the fart-felching premier of "Sex in the screw-me-where-I-poo City." Cynthia "D*ke-puncher" Nixon, Kim "Cum-Gargler" Cattral, Kristin "Please-punch-me-in-the-face-until-I'm-f*cking-dead" Davis, and Sarah *ssica C*ntica Tw*tica Puker were all on hand to celebrate the *ss-humping feel-good movie of the g*ddamned year, the flick that teaches our little *ss-licking girls how to dress like c*cksucking whores and f*ck every man with a g*ddamned penis crammed in his sh*t stained GI Joe underoos.

We'll be back in a g*ddamned minute after this cl*t-sucking word from FLOMAX. The g*ddamned pill for the m*therf*cking f*ggot who's too g*ddamned old to pee. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, c*cksuckers.

Hey, M*******ckers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue!

NEW YORK -- When Tourettes-afflicted news reader Sue Simmons recently dropped the F-bomb during a live broadcast, she unwittingly stumbled upon a heretofore untapped niche: potty mouth journalism. Although she has since performed her "oops, I'm sorry" tapdance, plans are currently underway for the veteran anchor negress to host her own, highly-targeted newscast: The @#!&% News Roundup.

As one might guess, our network of morally-bereft spies was able to smuggle the teleprompter copy for your general amusement. You're welcome.

Good evening, m*therf*ckers. I'm Sue Simmons. Here's the g*dd*mned news:

• A fat-*ss f*ckwad in Florida by the sh*tty name of Bob Hezzelwood was given a g*d d*mned ticket for wearing a c*cksucking speedo on the f*cking beach. Although a cow-f*cking *ss-licking judge threw the c*nt banging case out, Mr. Hezzelwood has filed an *ss-humping tw*t-licking lawsuit against the butt-f*cker who arrested him, violating his g*d-d*mned right to make other beach goers puke their m*therf*cking guts out at the sight of his nasty-*ss c*ck crammed into his f*ggoty banana hammock.
• In the f*ggot-*ss nation of Great f*cking Britain, an *ss-licking retard by the b*tch-*ss name of Dougal Thorn has been arrested on c*ck-sucking charges of animal f*cking cruelty. It seems the bloody-*ss d*ck smoker got p*ssed off at his c*nt-spelunking d*ke neighbor's kitty cat. So he punched the g*d-d*mned sh*t-eating homo kitty cat in the m*ther-f*cking head and tossed it in the c*cksucking river. He got his tw*t in a knot cause the *ss-hole cat "looked pleased" when it knocked over a c*nt-fisting vase. His neighbor, a m*ther-f*cking whore named Sarah Booker, should stop her g*d-d*mned b*tching and clear the sand from her c*nt, as it's been a tw*t-banging coon's age since she had her m*therf*cking p*ssy punched.
• The g*d-d*mned *ss-hole Tony Nominations have been announced. Leading the m*therf*cking pack is "In the Heights," a c*cksucking musical about a bunch of *ss-f*cking sp*cs singing and dancing like a bunch of g*d-d*mned f*ggots. "The Little f*cking Mermaid," Disney's g*d-d*mned musical about a b*tch-*ss girl doesn't have a tw*t cause she's m*therf*cking fish, was largely snubbed. Patty d*ck-sucking Lupone was nominated for best c*nt-licking actress for her work in the f*ck-me-in-the-*ss revival of "Gypsy". Nominees for best *ss-licking revival included "South f*cking Pacific," "Sunday in the g*d-d*mned Park with f*ggot-*ss George" and "Mac-f*cking-Beth."

We pause now for a f*cking word from our *ss-licking g*d-d*mned sponsors. So keep your c*nty-*ss butts planted in your c*cksucking f*ggoty couch, and we'll be right the f*ck back, m*therf*ckers.