Can O' Whup-Ass

Foxy News Channel: Rappin' Wif Caster Semenya

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, punks. Foxy be havin whatchoo call issues wif da tax man, so she go to da boogie down Marsha's Bin-yard to chillax. It be a island where da rich peeps go ev'ry Oggist. Even our prezadint Black Bobama be here now. Prez be doin dis and dat, playin putt-putt golf wif the First Ho and the two first bitches (I think they names be Shasta and Malaria or sumpin). They gots secrit serbice dawgs wif shades on and wires comin out they ears. Bobama's putt miss the clown mouth on the fif hole, so his posse pull they heat and pop a cap in da clown. Dat's hard, yo. Yessadee a sistah hit da farmer's market and some uppity old white ho say "excuse me, why you lickin' da frosting from all da cupcakes?" I say "bitch, git out my grill befo I cut yo motherf*ckin frote." She turn all red like crackas do when they fixin' to 'splode. "Who you fink you be?" she say. "I be Foxy Brown, mo-fo. Who you be?" Turn out she Marfa Stewart, da ex-conbick! "Yo Marfa, we bof be ex-conbicks!" So now me and Marfa, we tight. We buy all da cupcakes and fro dat shit at Shasta and Malaria when da Secrit Serbice dudes ain't lookin. Cause dat's how we roll, dawg.

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy finish readin that long-ass book call "Little-ass Crib on da Motherf*ckin Prarie." It be all 'bout some uppity cracka bitch name Half-Pint (Foxy need a half-pint of Colt 45, dats wassup). So Half-Pint and her posse go campin in a field and build a crib. Dat's it! No injuns tomahawkin they noggins, no 'splosions, nuffin. Jus' a bunch of gay-azz crackaz chillaxin and cookin up rabbitz. Foxy don't eat no bunny, foo. A bitch get her cell and call up some Dominos. Feel dat.

In today's espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a ho be spittin' rhymez wif a bitch called...dayum, yo. Foxy forgit a bitch's name! It be Affickan, like Oogabooga Jalalala or sumpin. She be whatchoo call a affa-leet from Afficka kickin' da cracka bitches azz. So now da Inna-national Associa-whatzit of Affa-leets tryin' to find out if she a sistah or a brovah. Respeck.

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! This be Foxy B, and I'm reppazintin in da boogie down Afficka wif a affa-leet named Oogabooga Jalalala. Whoop!
CASTER SEMENYA: Miss Foxiness, my name is not Oogabooga.
FB: What yo name be then, foo?
CS: Caster Semenya.
FB: Cast yo semenz at what?
CS: Huh?
FB: You some kinda affa-leet bitch?
CS: That's right Miss Foxiness. I am being a runner. I breakin records.
FB: How come you Affickan bitches so fast? Is you bein chased by hyenas? When Sally Strubbers fly by and drop a sack of wheat in your hood, do you gots to get there first if you wants supper?
CS: I am a serious runner, I train every day.
FB: Bitch, don't get sassy. Foxy tryin' to lay some queshinz on yo azz.
CS: Then Miss Foxiness is laying that shiz-nit on a person of ambiguous gender.
FB: Dayum girl, yo voice sound like Barry White. You all pumped up like fiddy. You gots titties and a five o'clock shadow. Is you packin' a pony or a hoobajoo in yo draws?
CS: I am a female, Miss Foxiness. And when the test come back in two monfs I will be proving dat shiz-nit. 
FB: How come dat take two f*ckin monfs? Why can't those foos just yank down yo draws and look at yo hoobajoo?
CS: Because I gots whatchoo call testosterone in my body.
FB: Ooo, chile! Foxy gets da testawhatzit in her fine bod-ay ev'ry time da Dominos boy deliver his pepperoni up a lady's poo hole! Dat fine boy can cast his semez at Foxy any time, yo.
CS: They fink I might be a hermaphrodite.
FB: Foo, Lil' Kim gots her afro dyed too and now she look like a cheap-azz ho.
CS: True dat.
FB: Don't it also be true dat yo coach used to injeck German affa-leet bitches wif so much juice they all turn into a bunch of horses?
CS: Those cracka judges tryin to take my trophy away, dat's wassup. 
FB: You gots to tell those mo-fos to suck yo dick, girl. Respeck.

Foxy sez: "Ya'll gots to suskibe to dis coo blog's feed, mo-fo."

Foxy News Channel: Kim Jong Illin'

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Sup punks? Woo! It be three f*ckin monfs since Foxy lay some newz shizzle on yo azz! Firs, a ho had to par-TAY cause it be a whole year since Foxy git her azz sprung from Rikers. Feel dat, suckaz. It seem like only yessadee a sistah get her azz bustid for bouncin her blackberry off da noggin of some sassy ho. So last monf Foxy git on her cell an' call up the bitches who still in da joint. I say wassup to Big Betty, she da correckshinz officer who bus' a sistaz noggin cuz her boy smuggle in some treez up his poo hole. Then I holla at dat fat bitch wif da lazy eye from Cellblock D who gots razor blades in her weave. Foxy used to fist dat ho's stank-azz muff ev'ry toozday fo a pack o' bajinya slims, yo. Now dat bitch gots another ho punchin her queefbox. She finkin Foxy replacable? F*ck dat. Foxy fro dat sh*t. Respeck. 

On da self improobmint tip, a ho finish dat triflin' book call "Anne-bitch o' Green-azz Gables." It be all 'bout some ginger orphan bitch who get her azz sold off to Nervous-Kosher, which be a country in Alaksa where they put all da jewfolk. It be kosher, but they all nervous an sh*t. Now Foxy be checkin out a book call "Little-azz Crib on da M*therf*ckin Prarie," which seem to be all 'bout some gay-azz cracka family who all homeless and shizzle so they go on a campin trip to Kansas or sumpin. Foxy hopin it git good, like maybe some injun punk take a tamahawk to Half-pint and show dat uppity ho wassup.

On this espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a ho be in da boogie-down Pyongyang to do da innavoo wif some punk-azz bitch call Kimz Dongz Li'l. Check it, mo-fos.

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Feel dis, punks. Foxy chillaxin in some stank azz hood call Pyongyang, spittin rhymez wif Kimz Dongz Li'l. Respeck.
KIM JONG IL: Welcome for coming, neglo boobie girlie.
FB: Chile, whatchoo got on? Wassup wif those Jackie-O shades and that country-azz Little Richard weave?
KJI: I am being what Prince is to calling a sexy f*cking your m*ther.
FB: Foxy thought she gonna rap wif Li'l Kim. I be finkin she change her name to Kimz Dongz Li'l. I ain't suprized dat ho gotz a li'l dong. Whoop!
KJI: I am not to being Little Kim!
FB: True dat, foo. But you both smell like dog food, yo.
KJI: I am to being Big Kim!
FB: Punk, don't front a bitch. Take off those tired platforms and you smaller than a oompa-loompa.
KJI: You are to having happy fun bah-donkey-kong fanny.
FB: Chill, mo-fo. A ho tryin to lay some queshinz on yo azz.
KJI: Dokie-okie, then you are to laying those shizzle-stuffs on a brother person.
FB: How come Korean manicurisist hos f*ck up a sistah's tips? Last time Foxy get her nails did she gots to bus' some Kung Fu shiznit on they azz.
KJI: You no make poopy talk about sexy happy Korean girlie peoples!
FB: It jus' a queshin, bitch. Don't pitch a fit, yo. Nex queshin: how come you gots those whatchoo call new-color bombs but yo pitiful peeps be starvin so bad thay gots to eat pooch-burgers?
KJI: You to stop saying frowny fibby stuffs! Korean peoples are not to making starvy time! I make stompy dance and send pow-bombs to make poopy sad America esprode!
FB: Queen, please. You build your planes out of cardboard and yo stank-azz army carry heat made by Hasbro. Our posse like to slap da pu-pu outa your family's seoul.
KJI: You not to sassing me, boobie girlie! I am to being Dear Leader! I make so-so angry mad time!
FB: Sit yo azz down, mo-fo. A lady was fixin to give you a case of Campbell's Cream of Chihuahua soup.
KJI: Oh. Dokie-okie. Are you also to letting Kim Jong Il to putting finger in your stinky place?
FB: Bitch keep dat li'l dong-missile in your pants silo! This innavoo be triflin! Foxy outa here!
KJI: Welcome for going, sexy Brown boobie-girlie!

Kim Jong Il sez: "If I not to getting subscliption to this brog's feed, I to send pow-bombs to stinky USA place!"

Foxy News Channel: Smackin the Black outa Chris Brown

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Sup, mo-fos? It be almos two f*ckin weeks since your girl Foxy get jiggy on da news tip. Whoop! So check it. Yessadee a ho go  walkin froo da park. Foxy be finkin bout Michelle Bobama and strawberry ice cream and shizzle when all a sudden a big-azz black brovah jump out of da bushes. "Ooo! Ooo! Don't jump a sistah, punk!" I sez. "I bust some Kung-Fu shizzle on yo azz! Foxy fro dat sh*t!" Datz when Foxy rekka-nize a brovah and the convo went sumpin like this:

"Tyler Perry, whatchoo doin in da damn bushiz?" 
"Hello Foxy" he say. "A brovah be takin a short cut, is all."
Suddenly a cracka-azz mailman comin out da same bushiz, and he zippin up his fly. "Punk, you been givin dat white dude's gonch steak a throat massage?" 
Tyler ackin all jumpy and whatnot. "Oh please, Miss Foxy. Don't go rappin' bout how Madea suckin' honkey dong in da bushiz!" 
Foxy say "Tell you what, punk. Sit yo azz down for a kick-azz innavoo on da Foxy News Channel, and a ho forget she evah saw yo gay azz takin a mailman's special delivery up yo stank-azz male slot." 

So Tyler Perry gonna be on my show, mo-fos! An Foxy be a lady of her word, so I ain't gonna spit no rhyme 'bout what a homo dat cat be. Respeck.

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy finish dat triflin book bout a cracka ho name Nancy-azz Drew. Sh*t. She make a bitch wanna slap her family. Now Foxy fixin to read a book call "Anne-bitch of Green-azz Gables." It be all 'bout a ginger-azz orphan bitch. If dat ho starts singin shizzle 'bout tomorrow, Foxy gonna reach into those pages an choke a bitch out. Whoop!

Today's espizode of Foxy News is gonna be short. A few days ago, a ho sit down to spit rhyme wif Chris Brown (dat punk who used to have a career befo he won a round of "I bet I can knock a ho silly" against hiz girl Rihanna). Check it:

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, punks. Foxy chillaxin wif her boy Chris Brown.
CHRIS BROWN: Sup Foxy, bitch.
FB: Fist bump a ho.
CB: For real-real.
FB: So Foxy tryin to lay some queshinz on yo azz.
CB: Then you gots to lay dat shizzle on a brovah.
FB: Okay. Do you fink you gonna walk outa here wif yo nuts?
CB: Huh? OUCH!!
FB: Foo, why you hittin Foxy in the fist wif yo face? Punk sez what?
CB: What? OOF!! You buggin!
FB: Ooo! I'm sorry. Did I just bust the toe off my Ferra-f*ckin-gamo boot in yo azz?
CB: Um...OW-OW-OW!!!
FB: Oops. Was dat yo ear, punk? I thought it was a Cheese Doodle. Should a lady swallow this piece or keep chewin?
CB: Uhhh...ARGH!!!
FB: Oh, now Foxy gots to have her publicist issue whatchoo call an aplollogy "Foxy be all sorry an' shit for yankin Chris Brown's balls off an shovin' them in his eye sockets." Hey! Knock-knock.
CB: oooohh...
FB: Foxy say "knock-knock" punk!!
CB: Who's there?
FB: Gitmo.
CB: Gitmo who?
FB: You gonna gitmo ass-whuppin, you punk-ass mo-fo!
CB: AAAAAAAAACCKKK!!
FB: Dat be it fo dis edition of da Foxy News Channel. A bitch is fixin to get all Dick Cheney on this punk's ass. Till nex time! Respeck!!

Tyler Perry sez: "I love my subscription to the COWA feed and I'm not a homo."

Foxy News Channel: Hangin' wif da Haggards

Somebody gimme a HO-ho! Sup punks. This be Foxy to the what? To da B, mo-fos. A sistah gots to spit some rhyme 'bout what all she be up to. Jus yessadee a ho go to Taco B cause she need to get her some chalupa. There be some fat azz cracka ho orderin an she takin too long. I say "dayum, bitch! It all just tortillas beans and cheese! Order a f*ckin encharito befo Foxy cut yo azz!" She look at me an say "shup up, stoopid!" Dat's when Foxy rekkanize her. She be dat fat bitch Mindy Cohn from dat triflin' Facks o' Life show! "Yo, Natalie," I sez. "Step yo azz aside befo Foxy cut some bacon off yo fat back!" And she say "whatever, Tootie." And I sez "who da f*ck you callin Tootie??" Dat's when Foxy bus' out some kung fu moves and slam dat bitch's face into da counter. "Mrs. Garret don't work here, mo-fo!" I sez. "We gots a black affikan merican prezadint now, an Tootie own yo fat azz!" Whoop!

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy be readin a book call Nancy Drew and da Secrit in da Old-Ass Attic. It be all 'bout some nosey cracka bitch who go pokin in other peep's bidness. Dat ho gonna git some caps busted in her azz, dat's fo sho. Respeck. 

On today's espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a bitch be spittin rhyme wif da Haggards. Ted Haggard be dat cracka-azz preacher man who doin meff and gittin effed in hiz "A" on da DL. Yessadee he go on Oprah an' soon he fixin to be on HB f*ckin O. Now he and his dayum foo wife-bitch sittin down fo a innavoo wif yo girl Foxy. Check it.

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-ho! Check it, foo. Foxy be chillaxin wif her homeboy Ted Haggard an' his ho Gayle. Sup punks.
TED HAGGARD: Hello Miss Brown.
GAYLE HAGGARD: Hi, Foxy.
FB: Fist bump a ho.
GH: Huh?
TH: It's a lovely day, Praise Jesus.
GH: Glory!
FB: Yeah praise his azz. So how come you go on Oprah Winfie talkin 'bout how straight you are?
TH: My therapist told me I'm a heterosexual with issues.
FB: True dat, punk. Do one of those issues be dat you like takin it up yo stank-azz poo hole?
GH: Foxy, we don't speak Negro. But I think you said "poo" and we don't like potty talk.
FB: Bitch, yo f*ggit-azz husbind look gayer that Kanye. Look in his eye, ho. Right now he be finkin 'bout Antonio f*ckin Banderas pushin his ankles behind hiz gay head. How come you don't notice dat shizzle?
GH: I just thought he was a sensitive man who uses hairspray and listens to Tammy Wynette.
FB: Don't front a ho, he look like he fixin to fly out of here on a cloud of f*ckin fairy dust.
GH: Well I suspected he had naughty thoughts about man-fannies, but I prayed to Jesus to make it go away.
TH: We also prayed for Gayle's vagina to stop making me cry.
FB: Chile, I pray fo Jesus to make my azz Queen o' F*ckin England.
TH: Me too! Praise!
FB: Don't it be true dat some punk gay boy from yo cracka church say you wank yo tube steak in his face?
GH: Don't judge, Foxy.
TH: One man's bukkake is another man's communion.
FB: Let's play a f*ckin word assosimation game. Coo?
TH: I like games.
FB: Coo. Say da firs word dat come to yo gay-azz mind. Firs word: divine.
TH: Angry spitting trouser snake.
FB: Dat's four words, mo-fo. Nex word: rapture.
TH: Meth fueled butt-banging poppers-crazed truck drivers.
FB: Last word: hymnal.
TH: Vocal selections from "Hello, Dolly!"
FB: Dat's it, dis innavoo be triflin. Get yo gay azz off my couch.
GH: Jesus be with you, Ms. Brown.
FB: Whatevah, ho.

Ted Haggard is praying that you'll subscribe to this blog's feed.

The Foxy News Channel: Chillaxin' Wif Beyonce or Sasha Fierce or Whoever Dat Crazy Ho Fink She Be Right Now

NEW YORK -- Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Sup punks? A sistah gots some shizzle to lay on yo azz. Firs, Foxy done got her weave did yessadee. Who you fink be in da bootie shop gettin her nasty hair pie waxed? It be dat fat bitch from Cellblock D, dat be who. You know, da one who's nasty muff Foxy punch every Tuesday fo a pack of bajinya slimz? Dayum, ho. It be almos' a year since Foxy get out da joint for frowin dat sh*t. So, dat country ho say "sup, foo." And Foxy say "sup, mo-fo." And she say "I be gettin my muff smoov just fo you, Foxy." And I say "check yoself, foo. Foxy don't do dat lesbo shizzle no mo." Soon I be fistin her stuff in da baffroom. Don't judge a ho, Foxy be outa smokes. Respeck. 

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy finish dat book call "Goodnight, Moon-bitch." It be all 'bout some f*ggot-azz bunny tryin to fall asleep. But some old-azz bitch be sittin in da corner goin "hush yo gay bunny azz." It blow a sistah's mind, yo. Now a ho be fixin to read "Harold and His Purple-azz Crayon." It be all 'bout some cracka baby scribblin his tag every damn place. Foxy like to slap his gay azz.

On dis espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a ho be kickin back wif dat fine-azz bitch Beyonce. Feel dat, punks.

FOXY BROWN: Check it, mo-fos. Foxy be spittin mad rhyme wif my girl Be-what? Yonce. Whoop! Sup girlfrin?
BEYONCE KNOWLES: Hello, Foxy.
FB: Dat dress look like yo mamma sewed it wif her feet, yo.
BK: You best lay off my momma. Beyonce like to cut a bitch. 
FB: Foo. Don't go sickin yo ugly sistah on a bitch like Michael Vick's putbull.
BK: Come correck, bitch.
FB: Respeck. So how come you lets yo black azz be all crackered up on dat triflin magazine? It be coo to be a black-azz Affikan American, now. We gots Borat Bobama in da white crib.
BK: Foo, Beyonce fixin to take off her pumps slap yo hearin aid cross da room, yo.
FB: Dis be whatchoo call a cochlear implant, mo-fo.
BK: Ooo, Beyonce be gettin cockular implants every night since she marry Jay Z's fine azz.
FB: Please, dat punk so fat da back of his nasty neck look like a pack of hotdogs.
BK: I bust some kung fu shizzle on yo azz, foo.  
FB: Chillax, ho. Foxy tryin to lay some queshins on yo azz.
BK: Then you gots to lay dat shizzle on a sistah.
FB: Whassup wif dat triflin Sasha Fierce sh*t?
BK: Sasha Fierce be my smokin' alter-f*ckin-ego, bitch. I gets up on stage and my vajayjay start vibratin and my booty be buckin 'round like a bronco at da hip-hop rodeo. I gets all worked up and dats when Sasha Fierce show up. You follow a sistah?
FB: How come black folk gots to change they names like dirty underpants? First, Prince get it in his f*ggit-azz noggin to be call "the artist" then he be some gay ass letter dat look all chineezy. And Puff Daddy be P. Diddy then he be Doodie-Diddle-Daddle. Shit, girl. If a cracka bitch wake up one day wif a diff'rent name, they call dat ho Sybil.
BK: Check yoself, ho. Yo name ain't Foxy Brown, yo real name be Inga Marchand.
FB: Bitch, Foxy ain't in no marchin' band.
BK: I fink yo hearin aid need new batteries, you feel a ho?
FB: Whatzit? Check it. Foxy gots a new name too.
BK: Lay it on a bitch, foo.
FB: Foxy's new name be Idona Gibbashitz.
BK: Chile, dat sound country.
FB: Don't diss a ho, Foxy fro dat sh*t. You be Sasha Fierce, and Idona Gibbashitz.
BK: Ack!!! Argh!!!
FB: Oooo, whatchoo doin? Why you jerkin about wif foam comin out yer mouf? Yo, Beyonce!!
BK: Beyonce isn't here, Mrs. Torrence. I am Sasha Fierce!! HA!!
FB: Whatchoo do wif Beyonce?
BK: I tie dat ho up in da basement, foo. I am Sasha Fierce!! HA!!
FB: Chile, dis innavoo be triflin.
BK: I am Sasha! And Sasha be Fierce! I am Sasha Fierce!! HA!!
FB: Don't bug out on a sistah, just take us into the commercial break, foo.
BK: We be right back, suckaz! This is Sasha Fierce!!
FB: And Idona Gibbashitz. Respeck.

Sasha Fierce subscribes to the Whup-Ass feed. Respeck.

The Foxy News Channel: Rappin' Wif Mammy-mood I'm-a-damn-whoz-whatzit

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, mo-fos. Foxy be chillaxin in da boogie-down Park Slope, where a bitch's crib be at. Firs, a ho gots to lay some whatchoo call personal shizzle on yo azz. A sistah be puffin' trees the other day, whatchin doze white bitches on da View gangin up on my girl Whoopie. That sistah lay into Lizziebiff Has-a-whatzit an rip dat white bitch a new vajayjay, mo-fos. Whoopie do not play. Foxy like to see those hos swingin' blades in da prizizzin yard, yo. Whoopie prolly lose half her weave but Lizziebiff like to git her azz cut up. Respeck. So yessadee Foxy be in da laydee's room at m*therf*ckin Sak's Fif Abbanoo an who you fink be poopin in da nex stall, y'all? Da Whoops bitch herself, dat be who. Foxy slip a shank to dat ho under the divider an say "yo, Whoopie...nex time Lizziebiff spit disraspeckful rhyme 'bout my boy  Balack Bobama, you bess cut dat bitch up, foo."

Oh and check dis, punks. Last week, Foxy get her some. A lady be habbin some Froot Loops when one o' dem More-menz dudes come knockin at a sistah's crib. Who be dat? I sez. Turn out to be a honkey dude wif a clip-on tie spittin' shizzle all 'bout some punk name John Smiff and bitchin bout how dat ho Marie Oz-men get her azz robbed on Dancin Wif da M*therf*ckin Starz. Foxy take dat boy up to her bedroomz and ride hiz pink pony til he be sobbin like a baby. Whoop!

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy finish readin some book call "Goodnight, Moon-bitch." It be all 'bout some f*ggit-azz bunny who be all buzzin on meff or sumpin cuz his azz can't f*ckin fall asleep. He be sayin "goodnight" to evry damn fing in his room, yo. An there be some spooky old bitch in da corner who go "hush" all da time. Did dat ho ever fink maybe da bunny punk could catch a zee if she haul her fat azz out his room? Sh*t. If Foxy be dat bunny I jump outa bed and slap the wrinkles out dat bitch. True dat.

On dis week's espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a sistah haul her bootie up to da You-Nightid Nayshins, to do a azz-kickin innavoo wif dat punk-azz prezadint from some gay country call itself I-ranned. His name be sumpin like Mammy-mood I'm-a-damn-whoz-a-whatzit. Check it, foo.

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-ho! Yo, punks. Foxy be reppazintin at da You-Nightid Nayshinz. Feel dat. A ho spittin rhyme wif her boy Mammy-mood I'm-a-damn-whoz-a-whatzit, da m*therf*ckin prezadint of I-ranned. Respeck.
MAMMY-MOOD I'M-A-DAMN-WHOZ-A-WHATZIT: Hello and greetings Miss Brownie Fox Lady.
FB: Dayum, foo...you jus drop a stink-biscuit?
MI: I am not to understanding.
FB: You smell like a damn fart, punk.
MI: We are not to having farts in Iran like you in America.
FB: Why you smilin, punk? You fink you gittin wif Foxy's stuff? Just cuz sistah fist da muff of dat fat bitch wif da razors in her weave back in Rikers, dat don't mean a lady don't gots no standards. Foxy ain't gittin wif yo stank-azz bidniz, yo. So why you be at da You-Nightid Nayshinz, punk?
MI: I am to being here for the general assembly.
FB: Foxy don't unnastand what dat mean, but it soun' triflin.
MI: DEATH TO ISRAEL!!!
FB: Oooo! Sit yo damn azz down, mo-fo. Don't be jumpin up an screamin like dat, like to make a lady poop her panties. Damn! A sistah gots some queshinz to lay on yo azz.
MI: Then you are to laying that shizzle onto a brother, praise allah.
FB: You spit jive-azz rhyme all 'bout how I-ranned don't got no f*ggits. So how come you be lynchin so many homos that the treez 'round Tay-ron be lookin like Martin Loofer King day at David Duke's house?
MI: Homosex men are being abominations in the eyes of allah.
FB: Foo, nobody be a-bombin nations more than America. You keep spittin yo spooky azz rhyme, we be a-bombin yo nation next. Respeck.
MI: If imperialist American scum to make pow bombs with Iran, we will rise up and defeat you pigs.
FB: Please, ho. Whatchoo gonna do, send a suicide camel into a tank? Bitch we f*ck your hairy stank-azz monkey bitches up. Feel dat.
MI: I am to being done with this interview.
FB: Foo, you gots to take a baff. Yo azz smell like the rhino crib at da Bronx zoo. Respeck.

Mahmoud sez: "death to all infidels who subscribe to the COWA feed!!"

The Foxy News Channel: A Ho be Spittin' Mad Rhymes Wif Bobama's Baby-Mamma!

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, mo-fos. Foxy be reppazintin from boogie down Denver, where the Dem-are-cats be habbin theyselves a off-da-hook conbinshin. Whoop! Yessadee them punks nonimate da firs evah brovah fo prezadint, bitches. Feel dat. My man Borat Bobama fixin to pimp out da White Crib, mo-fos! That cat should have Foxy trick out dat pad. A sistah gots ideas. A ho like to put mirrors on da ceiling in da Linklin Bedroom. Leppid skin velbit wallpaper in da obal offiss. Foxy gots kick-azz taste, foo. A ho gots class out her azz. Don't front a bitch, cause Foxy fro dat sh*t. Respeck.

So lass Winzdee a sistah haul her ba-donk-a-donk back from Chinezia afta watchin dem f*ggitz do whatchoo call synrochrize die-bin in da Olymplicks. Sh*t. Foxy be finkin doze punks jus need da right ho to bounce they stuff round. A bitch make doze gay-azz mo-fos walk like they gots a pony in they draws. But dayum, bitches. Foxy be poopin chow mein da lass fo days, punk! Dat Chinezian food don't tase right. Whoop!

On da self improobmint tip, a ho finish dat off-da-hook story all bout some shady-azz fox who gots him some socks. He spittin rhymes at some punk foo, all bout some f*ggity goo-goose chewin nazty azz goo, and three free fleas flyin they sneezing azz through cheese trees. Dat shizzle like to make a sistah's noggin 'splode. Nex book a sistah gots to read be call "Goodnight Moon" and it seem to be all bout some punk-azz bunny who be so wired up on meff or somepin his azz can't fall asleep. Respeck.

On dis azz-kickin espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a ho be shootin da shizzizzle wif Borat Bobama's baby-mamma. Feel dat, mo-fos.

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Dis be Foxy B, and a ho be reppazintin from da Den to da Ver, bitches. A sistah be chillaxin wif some ho call herself Michelle Bobama, foo. Dis bitch fixin to be da firs ho, punks. Respeck.
MICHELLE OBAMA: Hello Foxy.
FB: Sup, ho.
MO: I'm delighted to be here. We're making history.
FB: You fink you cute, don'choo.
MO: Pardon?
FB: You be all "oh check dis out, foo. I gots me some pearls on and some honkey bitch freds by Yves Sanna-whatzit and I be poopin diamonds an shizzle." Bitch, you from da hood, yo. Why you frontin?
MO: I see nothing wrong with a sistah trying to edumacate herself.
FB: Ooo, chile...true dat. Foxy be readin some shizzle bout a punk-azz bunny.
MO: Watership Down?
FB: What-a-sh*t whatchawhozit? Bitch, why you gots to ack all cracka like you some kinda Blackie O?
MO: I'm sure I don't know what you're...
FB: Chillax, ho. Don't be gittin yo draws all bunched up yo azz-crack. Foxy gots some queshins she tryin to lay on yo azz.
MO: Then you gots to lay dat shizzle on a ho.
FB: Let's say you git yo azz in a razor fight wif dat honkey cracka bitch Cindy McCain. Who you fink's gonna get they azz cut up?
MO: Foxy, I have no intention of getting into a razor fight with Cindy.
FB: Foo, dat Cindy bitch gots her azz wound up so tight, a ho like to hide in da bushes and shank a bitch when she walk by. You best pack sumpin sharp, you feel a sistah?
MO: You gots to chizzizzle, Foxy. Dat Cindy bitch be so drawn out on vikes and percs she mos' likely be finkin I'm the m*therf*ckin' Easter Bunny.
FB: Yeah but Cindy be da kinda ho who shank da Easter Bunny.
MO: Shall we move on to the next topic, mo-fo?
FB: Fine, bitch. I unnastand yo man be half-honkey. I gots to know if dat foo packin a brovah's meat, or if he gots a white-azz "my little pony" in his trunks.
MO: Chile you be steppin on a sistah's bidnizz. Back yo azz off.
FB: Whatevah, ho. Dis azz-lickin innavoo be triflin anyways. Peace out.
MO: Respeck.

Foxy sez: "Foo, you gots to sucsbribe to dis kick-azz feed, yo."

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The Foxy News Channel Speshul A-Dishin: Rappin' Wif da Chineez Olymplick Punk!

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Respeck, mo-fos. Foxy B done fly her fine azz 'round da f*ckin worl, chile. Here I be, reppazintin from da boogie down Beijing. Tonight, da azz-kickin' olymplicks be fixin to start da f*ck up. Word. Firs, let a sistah spit some rhyme 'bout da flight. Those stoodawiss hos fink they cute. They be all up in a bitch's grill saying shizzle like "Ms. Brown, it be agins FAA regulasha-whatzits to wax yo muff in da firs class baff-room" and "Ms. Brown, da other passajerz be bitchin 'bout yo titties fallin out yo tube top" and "I'm sorry Ms. Brown, but da pilot punk do not wish to spark up a fatty in da cockpit wif yo fine azz." Dayum, bitches. A lady just tryin to trabble in style, yo. Foxy fro dat shit.

Now I gots me a rap 'bout Beijing. Dis hood smell like a fart, yo. And they be all these Chinesian peeps shufflin they flat azzes all 'round. This place be like one big-azz chinatown, dat's fo sho. And da food here ain't right. Foxy go out lass night fo a plate of dat sweet an' sour poke (a sistah really want a big f*ckin mac, but I be tryin to edjoomacate my azz an' be all f*ckin sensatib to other gay-azz culchaz an' shizzizzle). A lady park her fine ba-donk-a-donk at a cafe dat gots some cute-ass dog puppitz a-danglin in they window. Smiley shuffle-y waiter punk give a sistah a minyoo. Foxy don't see no sweet n' sour poke. They only gotz triflin' shizzle like "Happy Lucky Woof-Woof" and "Arfy-Arf Fun Stew" and "Aunt Betsy-san's Happy Good Shih Tzu Sausage Stuffs." A ho just point at some shizzle on da minyoo and hope for da bess. When a sistah's food come, Foxy see a paw stickin out of a bun. I be like "I don't FINK so, punk! Shuffle yo azz on back to da kitchin an fix a lady a hot dog!" Fine-lee a ho get her hot dog but it don't taste right. Anovah fing a sistah know-tiss; those Chinezians stand up to poo, chile. Foxy don't play dat. I ain't tryin' to fuck up my Ferragamos just cuz they naz-tee food fly out a sistah's bootie like a water balloon shot from a f*ckin cannon, yo. Respeck.

But da reezin a sistah be in da boogie down Beijing is I gots me a innavoo wif da punk who be runnin' dis gay-azz olymplick shizzizzle. Dis be a Speshul A-Dishin of da Foxy News Channel, mo-fos. Check it.

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-ho! A ho be reppa-zintin from bei to da jing, bitches. I be spittin' rhyme wif some Chineezian punk who be skoolin a sistah in da olymplick shizzizzle. Respeck.
FU YU HO: Hello for going. We make happy face.
FB: What be yo name, punk?
FYH: Fu Yu Ho.
FB: Foo, you da ho.
FYH: No, Fu Yu Ho.
FB: Foo, I say you da ho.
FYH: We make stompy foot! Fu Yu Ho!!
FB: Fine, bitch. I be da ho, foo. A sistah gots some queshinz she tryin to lay on yo azz.
FYH: Dokie-okie. You are to laying those shizzizzle stuffs onto a dude-person.
FB: Check it. Why you Chineezian punks be so f*ckin polite? Only peep I evah seen smile so much was dat crazay-zay bitch in Cellblock B who eat her poop.
FYH: We so so so happy excited face for to hosting glorious duper-super orympics! Hippy hippy hoolay time!
FB: Punk you gots to chillax. Let's spark up a fatty an mellow the f*ck out.
FYH: Oh, we are not to make smokey time with smelly sad dragon reefer stuffs.
FB: Trust a ho. Puff on dat sh*t, foo.
FYH: Ah, this is to being the chronic doobage time.
FB: So lay dis on a sistah. Why dat stadium look like groun' f*ckin zero on Sepember twelf? Whatevah punk construck dat shizzle be smokin some of dis, yo.
FYH: You are to being naughty fun blacky negro boobie girly with Fu Yu Ho?
FB: Foo, you da ho.
FYH: No, my name is to being Fu Yu Ho.
FB: Puff-puff-pass, punk.
FYH: Oh. Solly. Here is to passing dragon reefer.
FB: Fanks, bitch.
FYH: I not to being bitchy-man. I Fu Yu Ho.
FB: Punk, Foxy fixin' to bus' some Kung Fu shizzle on yo azz. You da ho.
FYH: Dokie-okie. You are to showing Fu Yu Ho Janet Jackson boobie time?
FB: You tryin to see a sistah's titty?
FYH: Yes. We to also making sexy wiggle fun stuffs with Fu Yu Ho?
FB: Punk, you triflin. Dis gay-azz innavoo be played out. And you da ho, foo. Respeck.
FYH: Lespeck.

Foxy sez: foo, you da ho if you don't subscribe to dis feed, dawg.

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The Foxy News Channel: Talkin' Smack wif da Firs Ho!

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, mo-fos. Dis las week a bitch come back from da boogie down Fort Lauderdale where a ho gots to make a f*ckin court appearintz (Foxy fro dat sh*t at a sassy cashier in da byootie sto cuz she fink she cute). Donchoo know it, soon as Foxy park her azz to watch her some Projick Runway (a ho Tivo dat shizzle, yo), da doorbell ring. Who be crashin a sistah's crib, dawg? It turn out to be some gay-azz Chineezian punk tryin to serve Foxy wif papers, yo. See, there be some peeps at Simon and Jewster who gots they draws in a knot cuz they give a ho some green to rite whatchoo call a f*ckin otto-big-oggle-fee (dat be when a ho spit rhymes bout her own azz). Now they want they bills back cuz a bitch can't be boverd to do dat shizzle. So a sistah drag dat Chineezian kat inside an she f*ck dat boy so long an hard she gots to scrape his moo-goo-guy-pan off da ceilin, yo. A sistah still gots lots of nas-tay to make up fo da time in prizzizzin, when da only akshun Foxy git was spit-shinin da stank ass muff of dat ho from Cellblock D, da one wif da lazy eye who gots razor blades in her weave. A sistah work dat ho's stuff ebbie toozday fo a pack of men-tall bajinya slims. Now ebbie time Foxy spark up a cig, I still be tryin to spit pubes out my mouf. Feel dat.

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy done finish readin dat book all bout dis shady dude name Sam-I-am who be all up in some punk's grill bout eatin some green-ass eggs and ham. Listen, dawg. He do not want no green f*ckin food. Give dat sh*t up, yo. He do not dig them wif a mouse. He do not play dat in no house. You work a sistah's nerve, punk. But donchoo know afta all dat sh*t a brovah go an eat dat shizzle anyway? Foxy be like "oooo, no he di-int!" Dat shizzle blow a bitch's f*ckin mind, mo-fos. Dayum. Nex book a sistah be readin be by da same dude. It be all 'bout a fox who gots some socks. Foxy crack dat book fo a peak, and she catch some off-da-hook rhymes all 'bout tweedle beetles f*ckin each other up wif paddles in a puddle. A sistah sho nuff be edumacatin her azz. Respeck.

On dis week's espizode of da Foxy News Channel, a ho be shootin da shizzle wif da L-Bu. Das right, mo-fos. Foxy be spittin rhymes wif da firs ho, Laura f*ckin B to da Bush. Feel dat, suckaz.

FOXY B: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, bitches. Foxy be chillaxin in da Whizzite Hizzouse, dawgs. Feel dat. A sistah be parkin her ba-donk-a-donk on da same sofa dat Linkin prolly did dat Mary-Todd ho up her poo hole. And now I be rappin' wif my girl Laura-to-da-B-Bush, da firs ho!
LAURA BUSH: Hello, Foxy. Welcome to the White House.
FB: Word. Fist bump a sistah.
LB: You look like a negro. Do you tap dance?
FB: Huh? Girl you gots to speak up. My hearing aid batteries be whack.
LB: Is that rap-hop talk?
FB: Bitch, dis crib be off-da-hook. You gonna show a sistah where dat fat ho Moanica Lajewski be givin Clizzintin's pink pony a mouf-hug?
LB: Are you the new maid? If you are, I'd like a fresh Rum-and-Mr-Pibb. And don't be stingy with the Xanax this time.
FB: Huh? Yo, check it. A sistah gots some queshins she tryin to lay on yo azz.
LB: Well, then. I think you should go right ahead and lay that shizzle on a ho.
FB: Foo, why yo retarded huzbind gots to go f*ckin up ebbie-thang?
LB: You talk funny. Are you magic?
FB: What?
LB: Sometimes after my fourth Xanax I have long chats with a magic negro who lives in the Rose Garden. We eat cheese and ride unicorns to Europe. He likes it when I pee on him.
FB: Howz dat? Damn hearing aid! Work a sistah's nerve, yo! So, bitch. Foxy tryin to see yo bedroom, dawg. I gots to see where yo retarded huzbind do to a bitch what he do to New Orleans.
LB: Oh! I know who you are! You're that mean negro lady who wants to move in here! You're Michele bin Laden Mohammed Fatwah Hussein Jihad Obama!
FB: No fanks, bitch. A sistah done git her fill of dat lesbo shizzle in prizzizzin. Fanks fo axin tho.
LB: Don't you touch my Franklin Mint Barbara Mandrell Commemorative China Collection!
FB: Okay, foo. Foxy fist yo muff one time. Bend yo azz over dat ottoman where Ike done did da doggie wif dat Mamie ho.
LB: Condoleeza, you're so funny!
FB: Respeck.

Foxy sez: "foo, sign yo stank azz up fo dis off-da-hook blog's feed, yo"

The Foxy News Channel: Keepin' it Rizzle fo Shizzle wif da A-Rod

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, mo-fos. Dis be Foxy B, and a ho kickin it real from da boogie down Motel f*ckin 6 on da outskirts of Fort Lauderdale. A sistah gots to put in whatchoocall a court appearance cause a sassy beauty sto cashier git all up in Foxy's grill when she know a ho fro dat sh*t. I frode some hair gloo at her bitch-azz noggin. Now, ornidarily a bitch can git away wif dat shizzle. But dat be after I bust some ju-jitsu moves on some sassy Korean manicurisist hos fo gettin up a sistah's grill talkin bout "oooh, Foxy-san! You pay fo da tips!" Damn, dawg. Like to break my ferra-f*ckin-gamo heel up they azz. Respeck.

Yessa-dee a ho take a walk on da beach. Dayum, dawgs! Dis Lauderdale hood gots some fine-azz menzes! 'Cept they all gots those skimpy-azz speedos on and call each other "Mary." They be all "Mary can you put some o' dis sunscreen on my back?" and "Mary, where you git yo waxin did?" and "Mary, let's do some mef and play each other's rusty trombones." Foxy don't gots no idea what they talkin bout. A ho even hike up her titties and let a nipple pop froo, but those Mary dudes don't even look at a sistah. Those punks be racicistises, yo.

On da self improobmint tip, a sistah finish dat triflin Barbar shizzle. A ho like to pop a cap in dat f*ggoty elephant's azz. Now a bitch be readin bout a kat name Sam, who gots a creepy-azz stalker dude all up in his face talkin bout his plate of nasty green eggs and shizzle. "Wouldjoo eat dem in dat box? Yo, wouldjoo eat dis wif some fox?" Dat sh*t blow a sistah's m*therf*ckin mind, yo. Woo! Dat Sam bitch bettah run! Oooh, there he be agin! Don'tchoo eat dat green-azz meat, punk! Dat's off da hook, son.

On dis week's espizode of Foxy News Channel, a ho be spittin' some rizzle shizzle, bizzizzle. I gots me whatchoo call da escluxive inna-voo wif A-Rod, bitches. Check it, punks: 

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-ho!! Wooo, chile!! This be Foxy B, punks. And a sistah be sittin here in a locker room of Yazzankee Stazzadium, yo. Check dis, mo-fos. A ho be spittin some mad rhymes wif her boy Alex Rodriguez, who chills by his rap name A-Rod. Fist bump a sistah, punk.
A-ROD: Hello Foxy.
FB: Sup.
AR: Sup.
FB: Ooo, how come you gots a red string round yo lef wristisses? That to remind a brovah to spank a ho?
AR: Girl, this be a kabbalah string.
FB: Kabba-whozit?
AR: Some Jewish mystic dudes sell them for $500, they help ward off the evil eye and bring good luck.
FB: Well your gay-ass luck's off to a bad f*ckin start, if you be payin a Jew five C's for a nasty string, punk. See dis on Foxy's lef wristisiz? Two words, dawg: Ro Lex. Feel dat, punk. So Foxy gots a queshin fo yo azz.
AR: Then you gots to lay dat shizzle on a brovah.
FB: Why yo cracka wife divorcin yo fine azz?
AR: She be finkin A-Rod be bonin' Madonna while she in da hospizizzle spittin my baby out her vajayjay.
FB: Oooo, Foxy hate her some Madonna. Why she gots to go stealin babies from Afficka?
AR: Little David's a good baby. He don't fro his poop no more since Madonna put a tire swing in his cage.
FB: Dat trashy ho work a sistah's nerve, yo. Ebby time her f*ggot-azz music come on, a ho turn off her hearing aid, yo. Foxy like to cut dat bitch.
AR: She can put her legs behind her head.
FB: Foxy like to put Madonna's legs in New Jersey and her head in Bed-Stuy, punk.
AR: Damn, girl. Dat's cold.
FB: Dawg, why you gots to go swingin yo wood in a cracka bitch's batter's box? Foxy pop yo fly so hard yo balls be bouncin off da nosebleed seats!
AR: Das jus how a brovah roll, ho. Respeck.
FB: Respeck.