Can O' Whup-Ass

Album review: Heidi Klum's "Dead Inside: Beloved Christmas songs translated from English to German and back into English"

Review: It's that time of year again, when salespeople are trampled, Grandma gets groped by security, and our little darlings are traumatized by fire-spewing demon dolls. It's also the season when the Klum-Seals gather around der tannenbaum and Heidi tells her darling brood of fashionable mulatto accessories that "In Christmas, one day you're in und der next day you're out."

It's time to rejoice, all right. Ms. Klum's singing debut is certain to become a holiday favorite. Wrapping her monotonous, mildly tone-deaf voice around many Christmas favorites we thought we knew...that is, until they were translated from English to German and back into English.

PLAYLIST
Polka 'round der Tannenbaum
Dead inside/Still Nacht*
I saw Mutter schtupping dicker red elf Klaus
Ein Kleine Schwartzer Drummer Junge
Freude at zur Welt*
Tragen der Frau in Gay Apparel (Deck the Halls)*
Haben Sie Not Unpleasant Ein Kleine Tiny Christmas
All I want for Weihnachten is my two big white things in front
Die Songspeil About der Glocken (Carol of the Bells)
Ach, Kommt all ye Superstitious

*SAMPLE LYRICS:

Dead Inside (Silent Night)
Dead inside, dead inside
Christ was born und then he died
From der Judenfrau Jesus Ker-plops
Spike der egg nog with peppermint schnapps
Howl on how silent the night was!
Caterwaul silent ein nacht! (cont'd.)

Tragen Frau in Gay Apparel (Deck the Halls)
Tragen Frau en Gay Apparel, auf-auf-auf-auf-auf, auf-auf-auf-auf
I would rather wear a barrel, auf-auf-auf-auf-auf, auf-auf-auf-auf
From the out-take footage we know, auf-auf-auf, auf-auf-auf, auf-auf-auf
Michael Kors once shtupped Santino, auf-auf-auf-auf-auf, auf-auf-auf-auf (cont'd.)

Freude at zur Welt (Joy to the World)
Freude at zur Welt, sieg heil at Christ
Let ich receive mein bling!
I'd like this necklace iff'n he
Had purchased it at Tiffany
Seal, did you save der receipt?
Seal, did you save der receipt?
Did has-been schwartzer balladeer save the receipt? (cont'd.)

xox
WAM

Seal sez: "My wife says if I don't subscribe to this blog's feed, I'm auf'd"

Madame Secretary Clinton would like to apologize in advance to world leaders for all that stuff she said behind your back just for laughs before it gets wikileaked

*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

Dear prime ministers, queens and despots (and I'm not just talking about you, Vladdy! LOL!!),

As you know, some fruity Aussie named Julian Assange runs a cyber fib clearinghouse called Wikileaks, which rudely disseminates classified documents about a bunch of flap-doodle that never happened anyway. And now, I've been informed that Wikilies is fixing to publish hilarious jokes me and my homies at the State Department crack about you when we're kicking back with a case of Lowenbrau and a stack of girlie mags.

So I've decided to take the bull by the balls (shush, Bill) and head this awkward whoop-de-do off at the pass and let you hear it from the horse's mouth (Bill, I said zip it). Let's dive right on in, shall we?

First, to German Chancellor Angela Merkel: girl, you know we're besties. Thank you for the "Christmas at Auschwitz" slow globe. I regret ever texting Ram Emanuel that you look like Fred Mertz in a control top, mincing about in Ethel's clothes. I may have commented on Sarkozy's Facebook wall once or twice about your Bonnie Franklin haircut and those bunion-plagued feet you're always airing out at the G8 summit. And I don't really think your wardrobe looks like Dress Barn had a fire sale.

Next, I'd like to address my dear friend and President of France Nicolas Sarkozy. I wish I could take back that email I sent to Biden calling you an elf-eared absinthe-swilling oompa-loompa with camembert breath. And it may be true that me and your wife Carla once smoked a jay in the Lincoln Bedroom and somehow my wedding ring got caught in her labia piercing. It was no big deal, really. We laughed about it.

And now to you, Hu Jintao. I regret being overheard in the Pentagon men's room giggling into my iPhone about that vast collection of ladyboy dildo porn the CIA found on your personal laptop. Yes, your wife's moo shu dachsund made my poo come out in a spray for two weeks.

There are so many others. Vladmir Putin, wish I could take back the Yahoo IM conversation I had with Robert Gates about how you smell like a dog got into the vodka and puked into a bottle of aqua velva. Karzai, your Afghan Presidency is not like a python babysitting a baby bunny. And I bitterly regret exposing your vast My Little Pony collection to ridicule. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia, sorry I commented on The Huffington Post that we have satellite photos of your subterranean all-boy harem on the outskirts of Medina.

Finally, to Queen Elizabeth. I was tipsy on rum and Dr. Pepper when I blackberried Barney Frank about how we have intel on the contents of the patent leather purse dangling from the crook of the royal elbow: spearmint Tic-tacs, a well-worn copy of The Well of Loneliness and a half-empty bottle of amyl nitrite. I'm sorry for making public your nightly routine of arm wrestling Prince Philip for who gets to be the top.

My bad.

Hugs and tugs,
Hillary :-)

xox
WAM

Madame Secretary Clinton sez: "I hope WikiLeaks doesn't disclose my subscription to this blog's feed."