Texas is History

Texas is a beans-and-weenies, varicose veins, big hair, polyester stretch pants kinda town. Most Texans claim to be patriotic, blissfully ignoring the fact that their retarded state has tried to secede three times (side note: we wholly support Texas secession, if only for the fact that it would render future Bushes ineligible for president).

The fattest people in the world (see: Baptists) live there. It's the destination of choice for those who like dragging Negroes behind their pick-ups or shooting their buddies in the face with a shotgun. Texas is not, however, the kinda town through which Democrat Presidents should ride in a convertible.

The Wikipedia entry on Texas is long as your arm, but the section on "culture" consists of exactly one sentence about the breakfast burrito.

And now, a suspiciously effeminate Texan named Don McLeroy (fundamentalist, dentist, school board chairman, fat person) is re-writing the history/social studies books. And because text book publishers aren't in the habit of issuing state-specific editions, this could affect every classroom in America.

Why is this 500-pound sack of cat barf in a bolo tie doing this? Because current text books were written by hell-bound libruls. They rudely suggest that McCarthyism was a bad thing, that Mexicans are people, that the founding fathers intended to create a free, secular nation, and that Jesus didn't write every word of the constitution (except for the establishment clause, which was written by a n*gger-loving homosexual devil worshiper named Thomas Jefferson).

Texas text books (Textas books?) expunge the word "capitalism" for the more patriotic-sounding "free enterprise," because "capitalism" has a bad connotation. Of course, the Jesus Inc/"corporations are people too" Republicans are the ones who gave capitalism its bad rap in the first place, but why quibble? (aside: if you changed the word "syphilis" to "freedom cooties," every Texan would dash out to bone Jenna Bush).

Be that as it may, our covert band of ninja spies has gotten its mitts on the new Texas-style history book, complete with expurgated pinko commie passages destined for the trash bin. We've provided snippets below. You're welcome.

THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS:

Four score and seven years ago Once upon a time, our fathers Jesus brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty church, and dedicated to the proposition that all men  Baptists are created equal heterosexual, and their wives should shut their yaps and fry up dinner. Now we are engaged in a great holy civil war freedom spat, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure own a fella named Sambo. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. Support our troops! Woo!! It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate...we can not consecrate...we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living  unaborted and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract set the stage for endless civil war re-enactments by alcoholic sociopaths. The world Democrats will little note, nor long remember re-write what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here they're all a bunch of homos. It is for us the living Christian white folk, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced Jesus. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion Jesus—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom Republican fear-mongering—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people Jesus, shall not perish from the earth vote to send a certain uppity Democrat negro to the White House for a second term.

THE FIRST AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech of homo libruls, or of and their homo librul the press except for Fox News; or the right wing of the people peaceably to will assemble, and to petition threaten the Government for a redress of grievances with their guns.

THE SECOND AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION OF THE UNITED STATES:

A well regulated Christian militia being necessary to the security of a free State the Republican Party, the right-wing of the People to  will keep and bear arms a butt-load of fully-automatic assault rifles shall not be infringed.

DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR'S "I HAVE A DREAM" SPEECH:

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksand of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children. Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring—when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children—black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last I'm doin' the hippity-dippity with yo cracker-ass daughters! Sho-nuff, bitches!

xox
WAM

Don McLeroy sez: "Does this blog's feed make me look fat?"

Comments

[Qelqoth]

So in a nutshell, someone who loves guns, white Jesus and misogyny wants to re-write the school books. You have to laugh at America man. Only in America does this stuff happen.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@qelqoth: well look what the cat dragged in? how the heck are ya? we miss your retarded blog. yes, you have to laff at America. And Britain. You snaggle-toothed limeys provide your share of comic relief.

xox
WAM

[Qelqoth]

The only thing laughable about Britain is...

...nope, sorry. I don't got nothing.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Really? We'll help you out. The Royal family, for instance, is a hilarious band of inbred nitwits. You never know when one of them is going to snap their cap, dress like a nazi and purloin a helicopter. One suspects HRM is a highly entertaining drunk.

[lablu∞z]

kudos on summarizing the brit-aristocrazy in 5 sentences.

i am loathe to bring this up, since your blog honestly rocks, however, in
the interest of full disclosure, Texas was a free state. However Jenna does have "freedom cooties" and we super-sized that.

<3

[Qelqoth]

"The Royal family, for instance, is a hilarious band of inbred nitwits."

Well, there is that. But besides the inbreeding, the nazism, the drinking, the violence, the scandal and the helicopters...what did the Royals ever do for us?

[Ag]

And what's even funnier....most Texans you speak with want to "succeed" from the union!!!

I wish they would secede. I'll help them pack...

[Whup-Ass Master]

@qelqoth: comic relief is valid public service. But it's not just the Royals. We have blogged about a rogue's gallery of Brits, including: a woman who gives blow jobs outside pubs, a dude who humps bicycles, folks who poop on salad bars, and a poor woman who became so overwhelmed by lascivious candy wrappers she had to sit down in a car park. The lesson is not that the Brits are a race of amusing bone-heads. No, the take-away is that Brits ain't no better than their Yankee brethren across the pond. So you can stop actin so uppity.

@Ag: Yes, we can feel the "stupid" wafting up east from Texas when the wind is right.

xox
WAM

[Qelqoth]

Oh c'mon man - you know that I know that everyone knows that stupidity is abundant everywhere. Well, with notable exception to myself, of course. I'm just fabulous. ;)

[winki]

Texas isn't going to secede, they have the oil and the gas.

I'd still rather send my kids to school in Texas than in New Jersey. At least in Texas the government can actually afford school books and teachers.

The weather there is unbearable in the summer.

Austin is a pretty fun town. Avoid El Paso at all costs.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@qelqoth: check-mate. Indeed you are.

@winski: Isn't having all the oil and gas a good reason to secede? We've been to Texas. There's fun to be had there. But no one's ever left Texas smarter. That's a fack, jack.

xox
WAM

[Margaret (Nanny Goats)]

My goodness, you're still a bloody genius! I love this and you're hilarious.

[Static]

["Texas is a beans-and-weenies, varicose veins, big hair, polyester stretch pants kinda town."]

You forgot to add, "tobacco chewing" and "socially retarded acts of bravado". =P

[James]

For some reason every American thinks that the Royal family has something to do with the running of the country and that we slavishly obsess over them

but then again they are one of the most ignorant countries out there

[Let'sFaceIt]

But don't forget, Winki, that Austin is the town where Negroes like to laughingly beat up gays. (Though, granted, that's not unique to Austin).

[Let'sFaceIt]

P.S. I don't think the British Royals are inbred anymore. Harry just took a spill from his horse at a NY polo event. The stud just got up laughing, he didn't break his legs like Toulouse Lautrec or nothing.

[Mountainbrook]

America has made three minor mistakes and three major mistakes in her history. The three minor were admitting Texas into the Union, electing Nixon, and allowing W to assume office (after the "Supreme" Court selected him). The three major mistakes were repeating these.

We would have been so better if had we learnt our lessons.

[JWB3]

It looks as though this blog is history.... WAM, we loved your written word. For some of us, it was the thing that made things easier, especially after KAtrina. I miss your outrageous wit and cutting truth. You ARE the best, there is no doubt in my mind. Much success going forward. For me? I will be making my way to the coast, away from my beloved New Orleans. One unnatural disaster is enough for me.

[Whup-Ass Master]

This blog is most definitely NOT history. We will pick up posts soon. Don't cancel your feed!!

xox
WAM

[EarlGrey]

1. Texans. Socially retarded acts of bravado. Lack of self awareness. Isolationistic in thought. Kind of like someone who was raised under a rock, but the rock was big, so they boast about how big the rock was. There's more, but, man, it's so sad - and they don't even know it!

2. Texas politics. I am a conservative who votes republican. Texans are rednecks who vote republican. should I buy an "I'm with stupid" T-shirt?

3. Tx is a Mexican border state. Complete with roads traveled by drug cartels feeding the increasing violent crime rate, drug use, and ever expanding prison population in Tx. That isn't nice and I don't have this problem in my state.

4. Is EVERYONE in Tx chewing tobacco??

5. Leading state for hate groups. There are more known hate groups in tx then any other state. They all hate different groups for different reasons. When you get right down to it, no one is safe in tx - not even texans. Testament to tx long tradition of nice, down to earth, clan members and level-headed cult fanatics.

6. There are Two seasons in Tx, hot and hotter. There is a third if you count the hurricane season. A fourth if you count squirrel season.

7. Texas' branding of Tex-mex. Uh, we all know it's just Mexican. Maybe Kansas should capitalize on Cantonese food and call it Kan-Can. It's catchier, and doesn't sound like a gas station when you say it.

8. Over industrialization of undesirable industries. Yes, when you visit tx, you get the full impact of what a cesspool they've made out of their state with factories, oil refineries, and chemical plants. Don't get me wrong, it is good somebody is manufacturing this stuff out there, but, man, you've got to be six flags short of a theme park to live amongst the stench-filled, chemical run-off, heat-fest that is tx.

9. Texas as a state ranks in the top 5 of all states for all major pollutants. Go figure. The EPA says you can't breathe the air for fear of carcinogens, can't drink the water for fear of toxins, can't eat the seafood for fear of mercury poisoning, and the Taiwanese plants spill high levels of run-off into the neighborhoods. That isn't good either!

10. "Clampet" stereotypes which aren't all together untrue. I've never seen any other collective bunch unwittingly living up to negative stereotypes. Perhaps some t-shirts can be air dropped to them. You know, t-shirts that say something like, "thank god i struck oil, cuz my double-wide needs a fixin"

11. Texan's general confusion between pride and reason. there is a healthy pride, and then there is a texan pride. actually, a texan is proud of his state like a branch davidian is proud of his cool-aid.

12. "DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS". Why would I need to mess with Texas when it's already messed up? What's wrong with the old standby: Yeeeeeeehaw!!!!..and other inane slogans that demonstrate an inability to articulate one's self.

13. Corrupt institutions of business. Enron was a great. But, no one can beat the oil companies for blood money, environmental destruction, greed, and corruption. a texan would tell you that corruption only exists in zip codes outside their magical state. is this true?

14. Cults and fundamentalists. Kind of self explanatory. Apparently, tx is the perfect place for those who like to organize and be merry while preying on kids. Gotta love tx.

15. Backwards thinking. State first? Country second, or is there something between state and country like, i don't know, socks or peanut butter? You gotta love state first mentality. If the country is attacked, would tx try to side with mexico just to save their own state? Kind of like, if the house was burning, you'd only save your favorite bathroom. Lots of reasoning there. wait a minute! i'm going to start a new one. it's called home owners association first! Hey tx, do you shoot people in the back too? Buncha anti-american secessionist quitters! just kidding, only 20% of you are the American Taliban.

16. Worst humidity and dew point. Yes it is true. Houston/bay area is tied with annual averages for the worst humidity and dew point in the united states per NOAA. In a nutshell, it's like a sauna. a constant sauna for 7 months out of the year. so is hell.

17. Hurricanes. you got it. more of my tax dollars go to natural disasters like hurricanes in tx. nothing like every hurricane season fearing the wrath of god upon your family and home.

18. Tornadoes. this must have to do with the fact that tx leads the nation in the amount of trailor homes as a percentage of all homes. the good thing is, tx is flat and has nothing around for 100's of miles. so, not many people should get hurt except those who ask for it. you know, texans.

19. Trailer trash. "T" stands for trailor trash, tornadoes, truck stops, terrible, tacky, terrorist, taliban, travesty, and one more...uh...dang, i forgot.

20. Prison over population. tx just can't kill 'em fast enough.

21. Gun rights. Hey look, texans need their guns because the state is unwilling foot the bill for adequate policing and safety like other states. state first! citizen last!

22. Highest unwanted teen pregnancies. According to a Houston paper, they like to do more than play with barbies down in tx. Apparently they like to get pregnant and be a mom at age 12 too.

23. Poorly educated. STILL poorly educated compared to other states. when are the oil guys going to pay for schools.

24. Lack of affluence. This is something oil money cannot buy. you can be rich, but you can't find Oklahoma on a map.

25. Cities annex neighboring towns just to boast on size. truly texas. guess what, everyone can see thru this. when your metro area is a 10th the size of other metro areas, you kind of get the idea your just being typical tx.

26. Highest accident rate of any state. Listen, you have to drive 2 hours to get to what places the rest of us can get to in 30 minutes. I would drive fast and not care about my life too if I lived in texas. of course, the accident rate also includes factory explosions, etc.

27. Texas consumes more energy than what is produced by the state in terms of gross product per the dept of energy. texas is an energy empire. unfortunately, their bragging is unsubstantiated when they claim the power the world.

28. highest in-sourcer (more people working for foreign firms - helping make $ in foreign investments). guess what, more citizens in tx by percentage aren't contributing a dime to u.s. investment.

29. High cancer rate. of course. you don't roil your state with anything goes industry without paying for it do you?

30. High obesity rate - must be the dependence on mexican food, bbq. That's Mexian food, you know, it's what makes tx so exotic.

31. Rated one of the 'least livable' of all states in 2008. It's just an article. but it was nice.

32. Floods. It is wonderful how tx is famous for its natural disasters. Stevie Ray Vaughn sang about it. He's a texan, i like Stevie ray Vaughn, and if i lived in texas I'd sing the blues too. he's just telling it like it is.

33. Lack of water to most of the state, high cost of water. Are you kidding? you can't drink oil?

34. Toxic levels of mercury in fishing off texas shore. Already covered. I like eating thermometers. maybe i should move to tx.

35. No mountains. Tx is beautiful with flat dusty fields of dry dirt for 100's of miles until you get to some hills with nice folks with guns. tx. great place to drive thru on your way to somewhere else.

36. Beaches are contaminated. Galveston is called a resort town. compared to my state, galveston is a cesspool with an oil platform right on the beach while you swim among signs that warn you about hepatitis.

37. 4 out of the 10 fattest cities in America just happen to reside in Texas. Now, we all know that Texas toast is so dang tasty, but slather on some bbq sauce and top it off with a block of lard and you got you there an o'fficial Tx-sized snack for the kids!

38. Pronounced pride and prejudice. back on the pride kick. can't have pride without prejudiced. oh wait, i can.

39. Nice people - to your face. The rest is some kind of judgment call made on their own arcane beliefs.

40. American history, or lack there of. First Tx wanted nothing more than to be annexed by the U.S., once it was ratified in, then it wanted out, then it barely contributed to the confederate forces in the civil war! Is Tx acting like a bipolar adolescent who just found out he was adopted, or just too hopped up on peyote?

41. Nasty critters. Fire ants, Africanized bees, scorpions, ross perot, etc.

42. Texas flag. Ok, now, what flag does the Tx flag look like if you stare at it a long time (.01 seconds)? Give you a hint: It was designed nearly 70 years before U.S. citizens declared Tx sovereign! Where is the originality? Did Texans burn up all their creativity when they coined "Tex-Mex"?

43. The rankings among the states: Percentage of Uninsured Children-50th, Percentage of Population without Health Insurance-50th, Scholastic Assessment Test (SAT) Scores-47th, Percentage of Non-Elderly Women with Health Insurance-50th, Rate of Women Aged 40+ Who Receive Mammograms-44th, Rate of Women Aged 18+ Who Receive Pap Smears-47th, Cervical Cancer Rate-5th in the nation, Women's Voter Registration-43rd, Women's Voter Turnout-49th. texas, please change your name to New Iran.

44. Lost perspective of their country. I guess if your trapped in an abyss, you lose all hope that there is more out there.

45. Texas tea smells like wafting B.O., a sulfur pit, and a manure farm. oh wait, tx oil towns are right next to sulfer pits which are right next to ranches. that leave's B.O., which is the illegal immigrant day laborer who has to work illegally at all these places in order to make ends meet.

46. BIG Hair. This is what they mean when they say everything is bigger in Tx.

47. dallas cowboys. greatest NFL expansion team to ever bandwagon on (if your in to that kind of thing)..even though they haven't been to a superbowl in 15 years.

48. Propaganda. texans love to embellish the truth and distort the facts in attempts to sell their state to us. must be easier for them than having to do any of that pesky research or providing boring factual substantiation. Once they realize we know better, they tend to get louder and more aggressive - kind of like a silverback gorilla when threatened by poachers.

49. Income Inequality Between the Rich and the Poor- Sate ranking: 49th. Hmmm, 13 billionaires and 15 million low income earners. We've come a long way as Americans...except for tx who is just now building pyramids for their oil pharaohs.

50. Sports are competitive. That's why academics aren't. Luckily they're close to country where they can get cheap anabolic steroids and other enhancement drugs you cant buy in the u.s.

51. Highest percentage of uninsured. who needs health insurance in texas? i mean, everyone's got a gun and everyone's got a shed. when texans get the swine flu, they just take 'em out behind the shed and, well you know the rest. that way, they can save face from having to accept H1N1 vaccines from those damn liberal states!

52. texans will write their OWN textbooks. damn liberal evolutionist scientists!!! when are they going to learn we used to live 990 years and all them fossils were put their by, uh, .... John F. Kennedy!!!!

53. Clueless about tx statehood. texas was brought into the U.S. via treaty like a texan practices humility and grace in efforts to coexist with others.

54. texas ranks 44th in Percentage of Eligible Voters that Vote. if i had to drive 2 hours through flood waters and hail just to get to the voting booth i'd probably miss out too. no matter, as a texan, you can stay home and lazily blog about secession instead of actually contributing to the fanatic libertarian, Mexican labor party, or some other inane party scrawled onto a tx voter's ballot.

55. Percentage of Population over 25 with a High School diploma-50th. If I went to tx, i'd already be ahead of 21% of the population when it comes to getting a crap-ass job. well, i guess every society needs ditch diggers and fast food workers. thanks again tx!

[Paul Smith]

Monsieur Paul Smith est un couturier anglais. Il est Passionné de cyclisme lorsqu'il était enfant, Son chaussures paul smith, sac paul smith et paul smith portefeuille sont populaires. Il a crée ses premières collections de paul smith homme. Ensuite nombreux de produits de paul smith Femme sont créés aussi. les collections Paul Smith outlet sont majoritairement produites en Angleterre et en paul smith france.

[Paul Smith]

Merci beaucoup.