Uganda, Mon Amour...

In 1994, three Rwandan dudes with annoying names (Jean-Bosco Barayagwiza, Ferdinand Nahimana and Hassan Ngeze), took to the airwaves. Encouraging the use of machetes (in order to save bullets) they called all Tutsis and moderate Hutus "cockroaches." The Rwandans listened. The ensuing hackfest was the efficientest genocide ever; 800,000 slaughtered in 90 days. Evench, the three radio dudes were convicted of inciting crimes against humanity. Flash forward.

Ten months ago, three American dudes with equally annoying names (Scott Lively, Caleb Lee Brundidge and Don Schmierer) decided to go to Uganda, where they got all evangelical at a conference about how the dreaded "gay agenda" was threatening the "Bible-based values of the traditional African family." The Ugandans listened. A month later, the dude who sponsored the conference introduced a bill that calls for the execution of the gays. It's expected to become law soon.

Bitch, Stevie Wonder could see the parallel. 

Think we might have something to say about this? Um, yep.

First, to Africa in general:

Dear Africa,

What exactly crawled up your butt? Aren't you busy enough, what with running from hyenas and ebola monkeys and walking 75 miles to market every day with jugfuls of zebra scrotums on your noggins? Where do you find the time for all your pirating, raping and genociding?

Yadda-yadda-yadda. Fine, we're making xenophobic generalizations. Fine, you have no history of bloody dictatorships.* Fine, you aren't constantly at war with each other. Fine, your children are well-fed. Fine, you don't hack off girls' clitori  because you think it makes them sexy, or steal penises to make ooga-booga stew.

Need we remind you that Africa is the AIDS-iest town in the universe? These days the "traditional African family" you're so hell-bent on protecting from Lance Bass consists of four malaria-infested AIDS orphans crouching in a mud hut eating crickets. Furthermore, if your "straight" men could resist having unprotected buttsex you'd be a lot less AIDS-y. Feel that.

We are unafraid to tell you to your face what the rest of the world has been thinking for ages. Your retarded behavior as a continent grows increasingly tiresome. Shape up or the other six of us are going to vote you off the planet and sell you to Uranus.

xox
WAM

*P.S. We actually have a negro president who isn't a neurotic despot (if the birthers ever needed proof that he wasn't born in Africa, that's it).

Next, to Uganda:

Dear Uganda,

Idi Amin. Milton Obote. The Lord's Resistance Army. You do have a hard-on for violence, don't you?

True, the Bible you revere is also violent; it instructs folks to throw rocks at homos until they're dead, but it instructs us to do the same with sassy children and prostitutes (you know, the women who help you give AIDS to your wives). Moreover, Jesus once told the Philistines (with whom you've got plenty in common) "prostitutes and tax collectors are entering heaven before you," so we would advise against looking to the old testament for ethical guidance.

Howev, thank you for creating the kind of country that our evangelicals are trying to create right here in America. Because since our tedious constitution prevents them from having homos executed, they might very well all decide to move to Uganda. We can only pray.

Furthermore, it's good to know that if white folk come to your country you'll do whatever they say. We'll book our flight tomorrow. We'll be the keynote speaker at our own conference, called "Uganda: go f*ck yourself." Punch and cookies will be served.

Finally, if you really want to protect your Godly families, we might suggest that you stop sacrificing your children.

xox
WAM   

Finally, a note to the Hague:

Hi Hague,

Pssst. Listen, here's the deal. In 2003 your International Criminal Court indicted Uganda's Lord's Resistance Army, who, while trying to force Uganda and the D.R. Congo to live by the Ten Commandments, conveniently exempted themselves from commandments 6 and 7 as they raped and murdered the populace by the thousands.

With that in mind, should Uganda enact its homo-hanging law, we'd be happy to deliver Scott Lively, Caleb Lee Brundidge and Don Schmierer to stand trial for inciting genocide and crimes against humanity. As a matter of fact, seeing as how anti-gay violence is escalating right here at home, we might also deliver Rush Limbaugh, "Dr." Laura Schlessinger and Michael Savage while we're at it. They regularly spew hate on radio just like the Rwanda dudes.

Sure, you probably won't be able to convict them, but we'd be happy to have them out of our country for a while.

Thanks in advance.

xox
WAM

Idi Amin sez: "Hell would be such a dreary place without my subscription to this blog's feed."

Comments

[winski]

WAM, no one should ever have to be a vicitim of genocide or crime. Homos should take greater advantage of the 2nd amendment. I've heard an AK-47 is pretty easy to get in Africa.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Ah, winksi...our favorite heterosexual right-wing gun nut. Do you suppose that the ready availability of AK-47s in Africa might actually be part of the problem?

That said, here's a website that might arouse you (in spite of yourself):
http://www.pinkpistols.org/

xox
WAM

[lablu∞z]

Ajjjjjjjjj, had only Hertzl had not drempt of Uganda, but made it a will!
Could it have possibly gone *more* wrong? (No.)

Loved your letters. When you go out to round up Lively, Schmierer, and the ominously treble named Caleb Lee Brundidge, to de-penis them ...i MEAN hand them over to the Hague (that other thing would just be wrong!), i have your six, a brown belt, and the ability to kill a man (and i doubt these three actually qualify) 26 ways with a spoon.

Call me and, as we say in the might have been language of Uganda, jazak!
(stay strong!)

~lb*/

[Whup-Ass Master]

Lablu-z! We actually UNDERSTOOD that comment! Are you smoking pot?

Seriously, should we ever decide to take winksi's advice and take up arms against Uganda's homo-killers, you are the bitch we'd want watching our back. You're fierce.

xox
WAM

[lablu∞z]

Ok, NOW i'm toking. I suggest for uniforms we wear camouflage kilts with reversable lavender plaids inside?

Marketing schemes never die, they just move to Africa. Think of the Marlboro Man!

~lb*/

[Whup-Ass Master]

@lablu-z: we'd join that army just for the camo kilts with reversable plaid.

We'd die for fashion.

xox
WAM

[winski]

Yea. Lots of AK-47s in Africa. But if the bad guys have them, the homos might as well also.
Pink Pistols sounds like a great idea to me. The 2nd amendment is for every law abiding competent citizen. I don't think I'd be advertising one's concealed weapon permit holding status though (as the pink pistols organization suggests). Wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but sometimes announcing that sort of thing alarms the less open minded.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@winksi: hmmmm...I think it's ok to advertise one's pistol-packing status. It might prevent some ugly situations.

Ironic, don't you think? Generally (present company excepted), the folks who have a boner for guns also have a boner about bashing the faggots. We LOVE the idea of using the 2nd ammendment against those who hate us.

xox
WAM

[ellie]

Put my name down. I'll help get the American meddling dudes to The Hague.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@ ellie: yeah I think we should start a movement.

xox
WAM

[Jan]

Well, I'm going to piss off winski big time and say that I firmly believe the second amendment should be repealed (or at least, well, amended). So I'm ALL in favor of rounding up all of our guns and sending them to the gays in Uganda - it look like they'll need them.

Oooo, JEEZ - this all makes makes me just froth at the mouth. Not a pretty sight, y'all.

[winski]

Best of luck Jan.

Molon Labe,

winski

[Paul Smith]

Merci beaucoup.