Spamtasm: Whupassa Stuart Masterson Responds to Pastor Paul Ojegbekilo

Like you, dear readers, from time to time WAM's gorgeous spam-box is stuffed to the gills with kindly letters from totally well-meaning Nigerians who are simply DYING to help us deposit a gazillion dollars in our checking account (if we'd just be a dove and provide them with our banking information and social security number). Known as the 419 or "Spanish Prisoner" scam, it's really the oldest trick out there (not counting Madonna). We're not the first to have fun at their expense (Ebola Monkey did it first and best), nor will we be the last.

But our most recent Nigerian business opportunity was so unique we couldn't resist resurrecting one Ms. Whupassa Stuart Masterson to respond to his heart-wrenching and florid query.

You may read the original spam here, in PDF (alas, it's too long to repeat in this post). The short version goes something like this: The Reverend Ojegbekilo of the dazzling Okuhuke Community Church would like us to know that God is busily blessing Nigeria. But while the good reverend is saving simply oodles of negros from the oily bosom of lucifer, for some reason, most of his converts are too old to read normal bibles. Would we care to help him purchase 20 large print King James versions? Oh, and please help his negro orphans. Got it? 

Take it away, Whupassa! 

Dear Reverend Kabuki Bukkake,

Gosh, I was so thrilled to get your email! It's such a coincidence! I just got back from church. Today, Pastor Mike Huckabee (of the Greater Tuscaloosa Pentecostal Church of Signs Appearing) told us that Jesus wants us to spread the gospel to everyone, even negros and rag-heads. Then he handed out the snakes.

I would love to help you buy Bibles for your old people! My mom, bless her heart, is an old person. Last spring she crashed her Dodge Dart into a cow and ever since she thinks she's Eydie Gormé. So now I keep her chained to the couch.

Anywho, I've got lots of money to send. Back in 1993 I got my eye poked out by an excitable IHOP waitress (who had very strong feelings about not putting ketchup on waffles). So I sued and got $50,000! Unfortunately, half of it's tied up right now because a nice man from your country named Buttfungi Cowabunga wrote to me last month because he's trying to get $10 million out of your country (something to do with a dead oil guy), and all he needed was $25,000 and my account information! So soon I'm going to have even more money to send you! Praise Jesus! In the meantime, I'd be happy to send some casseroles. I could send my famous Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise! Or how about my world renowned Weenies-Velveeta-and-Doritos Yum Pie? I made both for our Annual Fourth of July White Power Picnic and they were both great big fat hits!

But I have some questions. First, what kind of Bibles are you giving to your old folks? I don't want to pay for any homo version. If King James was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! Also, how come you don't want Bibles on tape? I have a Bible on tape read by Sarah Palin and it's just super!

Nigeria sounds beautiful. Is it in France? Do you like french fries? I do, especially with maple syrup (but don't tell that to a certain cranky IHOP waitress who shall remain nameless).

Yours in Christ,
Whupassa Stuart Masterson

We sure hope Reverend Ojegbekilo responds. This could be fun.

Pastor Paul Ojegbekilo sez: "Please send money to Nigeria so our orphans can subscribe to this blog's feed."

Comments

[David]

I had a pen pal at the Prison of Isams but I haven't heard from him for a good while. I think he may have gotten shanked by the Jesus freaks that have really overwhelmed the prison looking for converts. I'm pretty sure he was not a believer.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@david: gee thanks for bumming us out. yes it's true that nigeria is getting busy persecuting christian folk and the islamaniacs are on the rampage. remember, though, that christianity is the "colonialist" religion. at the end of the day, no one in africa asked for it.

xox
WAM

[Conner]

That Spam has sent my mouth to watering, but your Jesus is creepy. Can't anything be sacred? leave Spam out of it!

[Whup-Ass Master]

@conner: now that Obama has seen fit to re-establish mail service betwixt the U.S. and Cuba, perhaps we can ship some real spam your way. We'd totally do that shit.

xox
WAM

[Conner]

Nice thought WAM, but im quite sure anything containing pork (or some incarnation thereof) will be confiscated by salacious post mistress for her personal consumption....

[Whup-Ass Master]

@conner: what happened to that famous Cuban "help thy neighbor" crapola? How do your salacious post mistresses get away with spam pilfering?? Isn't that counter-revolutionary behavior?

xox
WAM

[Ora]

Nigerians almost got my mother-in-law, Reader's Digest almost got my mom. Glad you are back and congrats on the job.

[Ora]

BTW, who is the HOT guy holding the spam?!?

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy Ora: You gotta watch those Nigerians. Oh, and Jesus. Who else??

xox
WAM

[Conner]

WAM - You mean that "help thy neighbor" crapola which had my neighbor running to the housing police that there was "a foreigner living illegally" on her/his block, upon which ensued some degrading suspicion (on their part) and lots of paperwork (on mine)?

Stealing is seen as a way to survive and "resolve" problems here. Nothing personal, you know?

Harumphing in Havana.
Conner

[Whup-Ass Master]

@Conner: "Harumph" indeed. That sounds tedious. Did you find out who ran to the housing police? Did you leave some flaming dog poop on their stoop?

xox
WAM

[Conner]

Tedious indeed. No idea of guilty party - many suspects however. just warms the cockles of my heart to have rat neighbors, ya know? makes me miss the old 'hood, cigarette factory, wayward cows, crowing roosters and all....

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