This Week in Poop #22: 500 Poops of Summer

Once again, we've heard your desparate cries: "Please, o Whup-Ass Master," you whimper. "Please tell us more stories about poop." Alla-kazam, bitches.

• TERRY NICHOLS IS IRREGULAR: Remember Mr. Nichols, that nice man who got a little killy with 146 adults and 19 children at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building? Well he's all upset and stuff 'cause the cuisine at Supermax is blocking his choo-choo from pulling into the station. Yeah, we're sure the guards will get right on that, Terry-kins.
• HERE, BABY...HAVE SOME POOP: The lovely Emily McDonald of dazzling Austin Texas is all upset because nurses at the Dell Children's Hospital caught her putting poop into her 3-year-old daughter's IV. Munchausen by Poopsy?
• McPOOP: One day, in the glorious mecca of Regina Saskatchewan, a woman went to McDonalds for some coffee. Unfortch, upon deciding her cup o' joe tasted a tad nutty, she found a round brown floaty object bobbin' in her cup. She claims it's poop. She's suing. Um, isn't suing McDonalds for serving sh*t a little like suing a baptist for obesity? Neither is pleasant, but both are inevitable.
• DYNO THE POOP DOG: Daniel Blair of Middlesex's face was red when he accidentally flushed his puppy dog down the terlit. The week-old cocker spaniel was eventually found clogging the sewer pipe 400 yards away, and rescued. Yay!
• MUGGED WHILE POOPIN: In the dazzling shangri-la that is Saint Lucie County Florida, a 61 year-old man was mugged by two rude hooligans as he was in the midst of dropping the kids off at the pool. Stay classy, Florida.
• THE POOP MONSTER OF NORTH CAROLINA (No, not Elizabeth Dole, silly!): The internets went all bananas a few weeks ago when an oozing, pulsing poop monster was filmed being all ooze-y and pulse-y in a North Carolina sewer (the video is really gross). As it turns out, it's not The Blob, but a colony of sewer worms. And now, along with our BFF Wiley Coyote, we have another reason to avoid North Carolina.
• THE CAMBRIDGE POOP BABY: One day, classy dame Candy Vigneri exited a port-o-potty, lit up a ciggy and informed a dude who was about to use it next that she'd just squeezed out a baby into the terlit. The baby was rescued and Ms. Vigneri (she's single, guys!) was arrested. Seems a bitch can't pop a womb booger into the can without folks pitching a hissy these days.
• NICE GIRLS DON'T POOP ON THEIR MOM: Once upon a time, Destinie Rechelle Duvall didn't always see eye to eye with her mother Patricia Ann Hacker. Sometimes, in fact, they would smack each other around. And sometimes, Destinie would kick Patricia in the head until she passed out so she could poop on her mother's back. The end.
• TOILET MONSTER TERRORIZES DENVER CHILDREN: Recently some children were playing in a fountain on a hot summer day when they were attacked by a giant toilet monster. And no, the toilet monster in question was not Vance Fulkerson (as far as we know).
• ROWING TO FRANCE IN A BOAT MADE OF SHEEP POOP: Some British dudes have decided to row to France in a boat made of sheep poop. They're single, ladies!! 

xox
WAM

Patricia Ann Hacker sez: "Please subscribe to this blog's feed or my daughter will poop on me again."

Comments

[RamboSF]

WAM,

This is one of your finest moments, er movements?

I adored, "Munchausen by Poopsy".

By chance, did Candy Vigneri name her "womb booger" Mary Poopins?

Your biggest West Coast fan,

RamboSF

[Whup-Ass Master]

@rambo: fanks for the props. we believe "munchausen by poopsie" should be a recognized phenomenon. regarding ms. vigneri...her whole "you do NOT want to go in there" defense is classic. we give her props.

xox
WAM

[RBG]

Another hilarious post (what's new?). I had wanted to comment yesterday, but I made the mistake of checking out the link to the video of the pulsating poop monster, and spent the rest of the day and evening in wrist restraints in the Hospital's Psych Ward so I couldn't claw my eyes out.

That was truly, horrifyingly gross. Even more so knowing it was worms. Christ, I just threw up in my mouth a little again.

Better go.

Ciao.