Shovel-Toting Ohio Granny pwns Bambi

Euclid, OH -- Dorothy Richardson loves gardening. Her flower beds kick the ass of every other flower bed in dazzling greater Euclid. So one day, when the frail 75-year-old woman was greeted with the sight of a cute fawn sitting in the midst of her pansies and gladiolas, what do you suppose she did?

Why, she grabbed a shovel and beat bambi 'til he was dead, that's what.

So now, natch, every hippy animal hugger from the redwood forest to the gulf stream waters is offering to return the favor. She's been charged with animal cruelty and could face 18 months in prison (coincidentally, the same maximum term faced by a certain wig-wearing child porn purveyor named Vance Fulkerson).

As one might imagine, we have some stuff to say about that.

Dear Dorothy,

While bludgeoning a fawn until its brains are splattered amongst one's petunias might sound a wee bit harsh, we are not without our sympathies. One puts down bulbs and spreads excelsior in the autumn, mulches, seeds, and fertilizes in the spring, composts, weeds, and waters almost daily in the summer, all so one's neighbors will turn green with envy at the sight of our floral display. It was neglectful of that thoughtless doe to leave her baby sitting provocatively amid your prize-winning snapdragons while she foraged for food. We suspect, at the sight of it, a toxic cocktail of geritol and metamucil kicked in, causing momentary homicidal dementia. It wasn't until later, we're certain, when your arms cramped and bits of fawn skull shrapnel had peppered your trellis of morning glories, that you came to and realized the extent of the carnage you'd wrought.

The thing is, oldsters are wont to hack wildlife to death with shovels. To them, it's as satisfying as shuffle-board or mah-jong. Take for instance our own Auntie Magnolia, who once shovel-bludgeoned a cottonmouth water moccasin to death in our horrified presence. Sure, there are those of us who might be charmed by the appearance of a fawn. They might even take a picture and post it on their insufferable blog. But they don't understand that if you'd wanted any fauna cluttering up your flora, you'd have purchased a plastic flamingo or a lawn jockey and be done with it.

And now, those rude prosecutors are trying to send you to granny jail, where presumably your cell won't be festooned with a window box of forget-me-nots. But fret not, for we suspect that as soon as word spreads that a bitch will beat bambi with a spade til its legs stop twitching, you'll be given wide berth and substantial cred. Not only that, we're rather certain your garden will be doing quite well once you're released; fawn brains are likely a FABULOUS fertilizer.

xox
WAM

Dorothy Richardson sez: "Subscribe to this blog's feed, or I'll go after Thumper."

Comments

[Rambosf]

First:

I hate frickin deer. They are giant rats and destroy gardens. If you've ever been in an area where you are attempting to have a garden, but the deer run free and munch on your efforts, you too would hate them.

Second:

Can you pass this on to Dotty?

DEER STEW
2 lb. deer steak, tenderize cut in squares
1 green pepper, chunked
6 bouillon cubes, beef
5 tbsp. cornstarch
3/4 c. water
1 chopped onion
2 tbsp. oil
Place oil in frying pan, heat. Rinse blood out of deer. Place squares of meat in hot oil and brown. Add 4 cups water and 6 beef bouillon cubes. Simmer 1 1/2 hours. Add peppers, onions and cook another 45 minutes. Dissolve cornstarch with 3/4 cup water. Add to meat mixture. Cook another 35 minutes or until tender.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@Rambo: We know! How dare those deer encroach on our natural habitat!

The stew sounds yummy, save an extra helping for us!

xox
WAM

[Unfinished Rambler]

Deer jerky also is pretty good. It might be something else for Dorothy to consider doing with the fawn. Real tasty. :)

[Whup-Ass Master]

@Unfinished Rambler: Sounds yummy. We had a fan-friggin-tastic venison steak at a french bistro not long ago. Howev, we trust it wasn't shoveled to death by a senile gardner bitch.

xox
WAM

[Rambosf]

For Unfinished Rambler

DEER JERKY
1 tbsp. garlic salt
1 tbsp. onion salt
1 tbsp. black pepper
1 tbsp. salt
3 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
2 lb. deer meat, cut into strips 3 to 4 inches long
Mix enough water with above to totally immerse meat. Let stand 6 to 7 hours. Put meat on paper towels and allow to dry off. Hang strips on oven racks and set oven on very low heat (200 degrees or less). Crack open oven door to allow moisture to escape. Leave meat in oven at least 8 hours but not longer than 10 hours. You'll have good jerky.

[Psychocat]

That's one way, Rambosf, but I add a bit of brown sugar to the marinade, and dry the venison in a large smoker. The sugar gives the jerky a nice glaze, and keeps it a little more tender, and the smoke flavor is always good.

As for the fawn, well, venison that young is kinda like veal, and would be delicious pan-seared and served with a whiskey-peppercorn-cream sauce...

=^..^=

[Whup-Ass Master]

@Rambo & Psychocat: you folks are deranged. that's why you read our blog we suppose. Is there a recipe for bambi meat pie? We just like the idea of popping a fawn into a pie.

xox
WAM

[Psychocat]

As you requested, WAM:

Venison Pie

Ingredients:
2 lb venison steak
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 lb button mushrooms, sliced
3 tablespoons of lemon juice
1 cup of red wine
¼ cup of bacon fat
¼ cup of flour
1 teaspoon of chili powder
½ teaspoon of ground mace
4 bay leaves
½ teaspoon celery seed
1 recipe of rich pastry crust (double crust)

Preparation Instructions:
1. Cut the venison into 1" cubes & roll them in lemon juice.
2. Mix flour & chili powder in a flat dish. Dredge the venison cubes in mixture.
3. Heat the bacon fat in large skillet & brown the meat. Saute the onion and mushroom in another pan with a little butter at the same time, then add to venison, then add spices & red wine.
4. Cover with cold water and bring to boil. Lower heat & simmer for 1/2 hour.
5. Transfer meat to lined pie dish, cover with top pie crust and seal edges. Bake at 400 F oven for 20-25 minutes, or until crust is golden.

Serve with a nice red wine and a fresh green salad. Enjoy.

=^..^=

[Whup-Ass Master]

@psychocat: we have emailed your delectable recipe to the author of "Cooking for Assholes," (one of our fave blogs, look for it on our blogroll) and double-dutch DARED that bitch to make bambi pie. Stay tuned...

xox
WAM

[CookingAsshole]

you are on dickhead!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Hey Cooking Asshole! We eagerly await your sickening entree!

xox
WAM

[David]

I'm betting that pesky fawn was actually eating all the blossoms in Granny Dottie's garden. Those wild 'n' crazy hard-partying deer love fresh blossoms in season according to my gardening friends.

Personally, I see no reason to be out in the yard working and sweating to grow things when nice cocktails, A/C and movies are readily available indoors.