A Note to Vance Fulkerson, Rug-Wearing Kiddie Porn Aficionado

Hi, Vance. What's cookin?

Remember moi?

We remember you. You were a theatre professor at our alma mater and directed many a show there. One dreadful class you taught, erroneously called Stage Movement, was essentially a jazzercise class. Everyone called it "Dance with Vance." Twice a week at the cruel hour of 9 am, you'd mince into the studio in your high-heeled boots, your nasty maroon-colored unitard, a plaid shirt knotted at your midriff like Nelly Forbush in South Pacific. "Good morning, hamstrings!" you'd squeal, flashing that insincere smile. You'd pop an ABBA cassette into your boom-box and blast "Super-Trouper" for an hour-and-a-half of aerobic purgatory. Then we'd shuffle out, shell-shocked, as you adjusted your always-slightly-askew Little Orphan Annie toupee in the mirror, your pencil thin mustache glistening in sweat. The one word that best describes you is "icky."

And now, lo and behold, you've been arrested for kiddie porn. According to reports, you currently teach taught at the University of Northern Colorado in dazzling Greeley (a town that smells like the giant pig farm it is). Recently, one of your students was visiting your home and did a lil' snooping. And he, um, found some stuff. Here are the basics from the affidavit:

• There was a television monitor in your bedroom with a live, crotch-level feed to your bathroom, where you'd craftily concealed a small camera inside of a clock placed on your toilet tank
• Witnesses claim, while teaching voice, you often instructed your young students to go to your bathroom and vocalize whilst peeing (queen, please...that's just tacky)
• Your pitiful excuse to the cops was that your toilet-cam was a means to keep tabs on your aging parents (because nothing says "I care" better than spying on mummy and daddums as they make ucky-poo)
• Locked in a safe next to your bed, were 29 sexual images of boys as young as five 

Vance. Vance-Vance-Vance. Remember when you invited the (then 18-year-old) WAMster to your house in Denver? We were making a fake beard for Merlin to wear in a production of Camelot. Remember when we were immobilized (latex drying on the face, theatrical hair being glued in place), how you started getting a tad hands-y? Recall when we pushed your pink, puffy paw away how you pitched a hissy-fit, ripping the latex from our face, getting all yelly and asking us to leave? Oh! And wasn't it cool how you used to spy on us in the men's room on the lower level of the theatre building? We remember that stuff too! Ah, memories.

But Mr. Fulkerson, It was naughty of you to make tapes of teenagers making pee-pee and poo-poo. And it was careless of you to collect snapshots of lil' tykes playing bouncy fun-time. 'Cause now, at the tender age of 63, you face charges of sexually exploiting the younguns and unlawful sexual contact.

And now, gazing at your mugshot, that reptilian grin and penciled-in 'stache are noticeably absent. And we note that you've traded your curly "Little Orphan Annie" rug for a MUCH sexier "Three Stooges" model.

And now, you can look forward to an early (maximum security) retirement, saying "good morning, hamstrings" as you brace yourself for your daily ass-raping. And if you ever start to feel blue (those hilarious felons tend to treat child molesters rudely), just hum "Super-Trouper." It always seemed to make you smile.

xox
WAM

ABBA sez: "Be a soopoopah, troupoopah...subscribe to this blog's feed."

Comments

[winski]

I have kids. Guys like this are pond scum and the reason we have the 2nd amendment. There is no lower form of life on earth. They are not even human fucking beings. If I knew I could get away with it, I'd shoot him for sport with my P220 and leave his nasty carcass in the woods for the crows & foxes.

But since that's not legal, I'll have to hope the gangbangers on cellblock 30 get medieval on his ass with a blowtorch and pliers.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Now, Winksi...guys like Vancy-poo are NOT the reason for the 2nd Amendment (sometimes you say the silliest things!)

No, guys like him are why Jesus created maximum security. You don't need a rap sheet, do you?

xox
WAM

[JWB3]

What a way to destroy my all time fav ABBA tune! Having been the luv-toy (at age 4) of one family member/pedophile, there is nothing too torturous for Mr. Vancie-poo, in my estimation.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@JWB cubed: Seriously? That's terrible. And feel free to keep enjoying "Super-Trouper." Every time we hear it we laugh. BTW, aren't you supposed to be traveling the world and having way more than your fair share of fun? How's that workin out?

xox
WAM

[lemegeton]

Greeley is a cattle ranching community. Dairies, feedlots, slaughter houses, packing plants, etc... no pigs. Except this guy.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@lemegeton: our bad, last time we drove through greeley was ages ago...and it truly smelled like pig ass.

xox
WAM

[JWB3]

Currently on the way to Hawaii via MJ's funeral (more on that later, what a show!) I hate LA. I HATE california. Give me New York city any day! New Orleans this time of year... not so much, with the humidity, murder, incompetent mayor, murder, police force run-amok, murder, Insane governor, did I mention murder? They are killing each other at a rate that is hard to comprehend. By early 2011, there will be no teenager's in New Orleans because they'll all have died!

[Whup-Ass Master]

@JWB cubed: Holy crap, you SAW that? Have fun in Hawaii, I'm six kinds of jealous.

xox
WAM

[lablu∞z]

@Winski and WAM: No, guys like him are the result of people like him. It's a pity. Though no one has really complained about the rampant, non-stop, high-rotation data(NOT.info)stream Michael Jackson life/death/disaster. Soon to be a majour motion picture!! [ http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=96867103980&comments]

Further, i enjoy playing FFS - and if you ever want to see the beauty of hookers, pimps and 12 year olds all throwing muffins at one another and plunging one another's toilets....Well, it's a treat, lemme tell ya!

[Rambosf]

In the seventh grade, the PE coach required all of the kids to shower after each gym class. He would sit outside the shower room to make sure we kids behaved. I remember this time in my life. We were all at various stages of puberty and hair was growing in places we had never had before and showering in front of an adult was humiliating.

While we all thought it was creepy, it was a different era and we were too young to really get what he was doing. I wish I could remember the guys name and I would Google him. I would love to find out if he finally crossed the line and ended up in jail.

[steverexfg]

you know, first of all, let got of the mob mentality until this guy has a fair trial..

second of all, this is really sad. Horrible for the young kids, and devastating....Lynching this man doesn't fix that. If he is guilty, he will reap his just rewards...

if you want to do something about this, then turn your hearts to the kids who were hurt by this.....they need you...

[Whup-Ass Master]

@lablu-z: 'fraid not, guys like him are not the result of guys like him. molestation is not a game of sexual tag.

@rambo: yep, that's a tad creepy.

@steverexfg: absolutely. give him a fair trial. but you're forgetting the fact that we know him. and others who knew him have been contacting us through facebook and no one's surprised by the charges.

[Leeuna]

There is a really ugly name for guys like him but unfortunately I don't use profanity. He should be shot simply for wearing that hideous hair piece on his head. Eeeew!

[Pink]

Hey WAM,
Thought you might find this interesting: http://www.unco.edu/news/releases.asp?ID=843. I am a former student as well, though mercifully remained unmolested. You should call and tell them your story. Even if it didn't happen in Greeley, I'm sure they'd be interested.

[noodler]

Sounds like you guys had Vance in another decade than I. My tenure was over the 20th-21st century change over, and from what you mentioned, it sounds like he had watered down the "Mr. Slave" act a bit by the time I rolled through.
I took private lessons with Vance and even helped him teach a course one semester, and although I heard rumors of him having escapades here and there, he never approached me in an unacceptable manner. He was always professional, but I digress.
I definitely used his bathroom on more than one occasion though.. Boy would I like to see those tapes. I've always been curious about what I look like from behind while peeing.
What I'm having trouble with, personally, is that he has allegedly been doing this for years without anyone ever noticing the 1977 JVC camera hanging over the shower.. That just doesn't add up. I think the youngsters were all in on the profit.

[Frustrated]

noodler... I don't know who you are but clearly you were simply lucky if you were a student at all... I too am a former student during that same time period and I took private lessons as well...and trust me when I tell you it was going on... apparently we should know each other and since I never knew any student helping him teach any course I'm not sure what to make of your post other than someone trying to put him in a better light... Although I appreciate you are doing what you think is right please don't ever think that you have the right to dismiss or disrespect what has happened to some of us... I didn't profit anything and I highly doubt the 5 year olds were doing it because they got paid...I am appalled by your suggestion.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@noodler: Hi, Vance.

@frustrated: We agree. One of Vance's excuses to the cops was that he paid "models" to pee and shower on cam. Then why was the cam hidden in a clock? Vance Fulkerson is a liar and a snake.

[Frustrated]

WAM...

First just let me say man F...K YEAH MAN!!!!! I hope you don't mind but i have passed your blog to a lot of people that have been discussing this for a while now... a lot of us are starting to (as my friend put it) take the dead carcass of the dragon out of the closet and can finally burn it... I wish you the best and I hope you find some justice that he's finally going to be behind bars...

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy Frustrated...let me just say that, aside from the groping incident and being spied on the the men's room, all I got from Vance was the odd rude, suggestive comment and some SERIOUS cold shoulder/bitchiness when I told him to stop. The under-aged dudes he filmed? The guy named Chris Johnson whose hair-raising Vance tale sounds a lot like rape? Those are the ones who need justice. I've got what I want out of this; a serious case of schaddenfreude.

xox
WAM

[MairanB]

The description of his movement class is uncanny. He saves his most bullshit classes for the poor freshmen who are too excited to be in the program to question is "teaching."
Though, I've never been a target for his nasty tastes, (as I lack the necessary equipment), I am furious at him for the pain he has caused many of my friends, and even more so the current professors, all of whom have acted only with respect befitting professionals, and yet whom have their jobs called into question because of this one despicable man. I only wish he would resign, so we could use his paycheck to pay someone who actually cares about this program and its students above their own sexual fetishes.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@MairanB: Agreed. What's needed at UNC, in our humble ope, is 1) Vance needs to go, and 2) if anyone can be proven to have turned a blind eye to complaints about him, they too need to go. But we wish no ill toward the program itself.

xox
WAM

[Christy Simmons]

Any of his former students (or any youth in his charge for any reason) who have memories of experiences that could contribute to the case against him, should consider providing the authorities with that information. Why send the guy away for 10 years, when he could go away for 20?
I know it may not be the easiest thing in the world, to discuss abuse with strangers, but as one who has first-hand knowledge, you could really help put this guy away! The more evidence there is against him, the greater the chances that he will get close to getting what he deserves. I bet it would feel cathartic to have a hand in that.

[Mackie Faye Hill]

Can I just say..."It is about time!!" As a student at UNC in 1991 and 1992 and an advisee of Mr. (Your an a@@hole) Fulkerson I was a victim of sexual discrimination by this creep. Although as a female what I suffered is no where in the league of the absolute grotesque horror of what his male students suffered I must say that Vance abused his power at UNC to the nth degree with all of his little followers. When I complained of his nasty comments about my physicality and his blatant disregard to those of us without the natural equipment he desired I was told that I must have misheard him and that I was overreacting. After a second complaint and passing his one required freshman course (which to this day I cannot remember the name of nor the content)I was finally assigned a new advisor and allowed to opt out of auditioning for any of his productions. I'm sorry to say this, but clearly UNC had star glasses on when it came to Fulkerson. Although I had never heard of the man he was supposedly someone big and unfortunately the good ole boys of higher education in Greeley wanted to get all they could from having such a high profile professor. Hence...those of us who had minor problems, like me, and those of you who had major problems, like Chris Johnson, were patted on the head and swept under the rug lest our jeering from the sidelines sour the sweet smell of theater success that UNC was seeking when they hired this scumbag! I wish, I really wish I had filed a formal complaint now, but I am guessing that it would have done no good as obviously even the formal complaints saw the circular file! I hope Fulkerson gets a long time to sleep under (literally and figuratively) a big sweaty guy named Sweety in a 5X9 foot cell to think about just how famous he is!!!!

[Chuck Herbst]

I knew Miss Vanceline in St. Louis in the 70s. I see he hasn't changed. (Except the wig is no longer curly. He used to carry a bottle of Woolite with him to clean it. We used to laugh at him, because he was like a wino with his bottle in a brown paper bag. Yes, I know it was Woolite for a fact.)

He was the same back then, except his taste in boys ran, oh, say 16+. Had a wonderful guy for a lover named Al. (<20 years old.) Don't know whatever happened to Al. I heard there was an terrible accident and he got hurt really bad. I don't know any more than that.

I did two shows with Vanceline, Hair and The Wizard of Oz. I would never work with him again after that. Sad, really. You'd think a stint in prison would teach someone a lesson, but I guess the years of wearing bad wigs just did something to his brain.

My good friend, the late Dr. Ned Winter despised him. (He's the one that gave him the nickname Vanceline.) I wish he was here to see this. We'd have a good laugh, and then a toast: to all of us he fucked over through the years!

Believe me, he deserves everything he gets.

And I am surprised the school put up with his crap. ESPECIALLY as he had a felony record that they easily could have checked. And yet, everybody let him do his thing. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

[Hartford Boyz]

I knew this creep growing up in Hartford, Ill., from the 1950s. He used to sashay up and down the street twirling a baton. He was a creep even then. He was a manipulator, a master user of people (always a few steps ahead of you), a compulsive liar. The term sociopath would seem to apply.