Stumble It!
Twitter, that ubiquitous stupid-pill that reduces discourse to half-sentences and has somehow convinced over a million users that Ashton Kutcher is interesting, has emerged as an unlikely weapon in recent days. The efforts of Iran's Mullahs to jam communications and expel reporters (when their hands aren't tied with the complicated business of gunning down its citizens and then taxing the victims' families for the bullets), have been impotent. Armies of citizen journalists have twitted events with admirable tenacity and frightening efficiency. If CNN emerged as the star of Desert Storm, Twitter has totally pwn'd mainstream media this go-around. Indeed, Twitter is dangerous.
For while one must admire its ability to provide multiplied P.O.V.'s on a given event (Rashomon times one million), one must also be terrified of any technology that enables Britney Spears to share her every thought with you. But more to the point, massive tomes have been written about historical events; eloquent theories of cause and effect, meticulous and scholarly reconstructions of the "whens" "whats" "whos" and "whys." One can't help but wonder how tomorrow's history will render the present. Furthermore, one wonders how human history would look today had Twitter been available since the beginning.
THE BURNING OF ROME
NERO: "OMG, u guys! I just learned how to play 'Smoke on the Water' on my violin!"
THE RISE AND FALL OF THE THIRD REICH
EVA BRAUN: "AH is being a total A-H. So I put some cyanide in his Tic-tacs!! LOL!
THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC
MOLLY BROWN: "Who's a girl gotta f*ck to get some ice in her drink? Oops, Nevermind."
THE ASSASSINATION OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
MARY TODD: "This play bites. Bo-ring! I just wish something would happen. Um, BRB."
THE DEATH OF CLEOPATRA
MARK ANTHONY: "Dude, she totally misheard me. I told her she could kiss my ASS, with an 'S'!"
THE DONNER PARTY TRAGEDY
MRS. DONNER: "It's cold here and stuff but I got the coolest recipe for foot meat burritos!"
THE FRENCH REVOLUTION
MARIE ANTOINETTE: "Off to get hairdo did. Just having them take a little off the top. TTYL!"
THE TRIAL OF LIZZIE BORDEN
LIZZIE: "Can't go to mall tonight, there's somethin I gots to axe my parents."
Please dear ass-whuppers, submit your own historical tweets!
Ayatollah Khamenei sez: "I would rather eat a pork chop on Ramadan than subscribe to this blog's feed!"
hilarious!!! you go WAM!
Posted by: Flaquita | June 23, 2009 at 06:17 PM
Why thanks, Flaquita! BTW, what the hell is a "Flaquita"?
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 23, 2009 at 06:31 PM
SARAH PALIN 2 DAVID LETTERMAN
DL, lets create a controversy and milk it for ratings...U & me! SP
Posted by: Rambosf | June 23, 2009 at 08:05 PM
MONICA LEWINSKY SCANDAL
HILLARY CLINTON: LOL @ Monica. The way to keep BC is to swallow. Biach, U spilled the spootie!
Posted by: Rambosf | June 23, 2009 at 08:11 PM
@Rambo: disgusting and hilarious. Kudos.
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 23, 2009 at 08:27 PM
THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JESUS OF NAZARETH
J.C.: "This Mary chick from Magdala is hella hot. And she's kinda skanky. My kinda girl."
Posted by: Ryan | June 23, 2009 at 10:58 PM
@Ryan: OMG that's SO wrong. You score a perfect '10'
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 23, 2009 at 11:21 PM
In the future final war between Israel and Palestine, me in a position of tactical advantage, cathaderized and with something pristine in green (i just like the colour!) my thumbs working at breakneck speed:
STOP*STOP*STOP! ZOMG that's Majmoud from Calc 2! Oh hai!
Let's hope not, that was a fun class.
Posted by: lablu∞z | June 24, 2009 at 12:22 AM
@lablu z: we realize we hated on twitter in this post. but the fact is, any medium through which citizens can bear witness to the brutality of the state, is by association, heroic.
Calc 2 was fun?? Bitch please.
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 24, 2009 at 12:33 AM
WAM,
Why aren't you writing for SNL?
They need your help!
BTW - Flaquita... Gaseous Hispanic Drag Queen.
Posted by: JWB3 | June 24, 2009 at 05:27 AM
Um, JWB3,
"Flaqita" is WAM's gaseous Hispanic drag queen name...you just blew his cover.
Posted by: Rambosf | June 24, 2009 at 09:00 AM
I'm sorry for everyone on COWA for the visual of WAM in drag. I just pictured a Carmen Miranda style fruit hat for his drag show, but there are only bananas on it...what's with that?
CHICA CHICA BOOM BOOM, CHICA CHICA BOOM BOOM
Posted by: Rambosf | June 24, 2009 at 09:34 AM
@JWB cubed & Rambo: Flaquita is, in fact, a gorgeous skinny blond female who lives in Havana with her Cuban husband. She smokes cigars, writes travel books, and her new blog "Here is Havana," on the COWA blogroll, is flat-out brilliant.
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 24, 2009 at 10:13 AM
BARRY O: 18 Jun 09. 1400 Zulu.
BARRY: Mahmoud, why do you never return my calls? What has kept you so busy? & My 4th of July BBQ invitation? y no RSVP? Don't you feel the enchanment? Call me soon!
Posted by: winski | June 24, 2009 at 11:10 AM
BARRY O: 19 Jun 09. 0500 Zulu.
BARRY: Timmy G, yo what's up with the credit cards you passed out to the posse in Jan? Arne calls me and says his shit ain't workin'??? WTF?? What's the limit bro? $100 trillion? $1000 trillion? Raise it & get it fixed or it's your ass!
Posted by: winski | June 24, 2009 at 11:22 AM
Ah Winksi...our reliably anti-Obama right-winger. Your inability to stay within the 140-character limit reminds us of your party's inability pull itself out of the toilet.
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 24, 2009 at 11:26 AM
I'm soooo glad I was so far off.
also, great comeback to winski's post!. Alas I'm off to HAwaii for a month then on to Italy. The heat wave in New Orleans is a bit too much.
Posted by: JWB3 | June 24, 2009 at 11:35 AM
@JWB cubed: Aw, you pooooor thing. Take me with you!
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 24, 2009 at 11:42 AM
@ Winksi - I loved "Don't you feel the enchanment?"...spit out my java.
@ JWB3 - My mother in Lafayette want me to visit next month...ha, perhaps in the fall.
Posted by: Rambosf | June 24, 2009 at 05:44 PM
GOD: @ Man "I created this thing for you. Christ, could you have possibly fucked it up any worse?"
Posted by: RBG | June 25, 2009 at 02:02 AM
JAVA(EVE): @G-d, Adam "d00dlim, it's a spare.rib.thang, you wouldn't understand."
Posted by: lablu*z | June 25, 2009 at 02:58 AM
JAVA @ALL "Who has the carrots for tonight's spare rib brisket, nu?"
Posted by: lablu*z | June 25, 2009 at 03:00 AM
@RBG & lablu-z: My this thread took a sudden old-testament turn. LOVING the carrots joke!
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | June 25, 2009 at 11:11 AM
Neil Armstrong's Historic Spacewalk: "That's One Small Step For Man.. One Large Step for.............awwwwwwwww shit who left their chewing gum on the moon?"
Posted by: Mike Waite | June 25, 2009 at 04:04 PM
@WAM: not to be overly and in poor timing pendantic, however, i believe in your original postback to me,
"...bear witness to the brutality of the state[S].."
i'm just certain you meant that in plural.
<3
~lb*/
Posted by: lablu*z | June 26, 2009 at 12:31 PM