Maggie Gallagher's Open Letter to "Z" und "Vielpunkt," Die Sündhaften Weibischen Pinguine (TRANSLATION: Those Sinful, Nelly Penguins)

A few weeks ago, employees at the North German Bremerhaven Zoo yodeled "hello" to a new arrival; two homosexual male penguins called "Z" and "Vielpunkt" hatched a chick. Despite previous efforts by zoo personnel to convince them to do the hippity-dippity with girl penguins, Z and Vielpunkt remain devoted to each other. So not long ago, after two traditionally-married penguins expressed their commitment to family values by shoving an unwanted egg from their nest, it was given to the Z-Vielpunkts, who doted over the egg and show early evidence of being protective, nurturing parents.

This, of course, has Maggie Gallagher (president of the National Organization for Marriage) seeing red. Ignoring the fact that most penguins can't read, she nevertheless penned an eloquent letter to the birds to explain why their unholy union makes her queasy. We've generously provided a copy below.

Dear Z und Vielpunkt:

It has come to my attention that you are currently violating Leviticus by barfing masticated fish down the throat of an innocent penguinette. I write to let you know that in doing so, not only are you destroying the sanctity of marriage, but you might as well be puking into the mouth of Baby Jesus.

Moreover, it's rude of you (as creatures of the natural world), to commit crimes against nature. It forces us rapture-bound heterosexual Christians to envision you mincing about on an iceberg, all limp-flippered and faggy, engaging in penguin ass-sex and penguin bukkake and penguin rusty trombones. If God intended penguins to be gay, he would have given you fists instead of flippers.

What kind of upbringing are you providing for your spectacularly unfortunate baby?? True, your God-forsaken progeny was lovingly shoved out of a traditional nest and left to die, just as thousands of nancy-boys are tossed from righteous Baptist homes for listening to Cher and wearing purple scarves. But if nature had been allowed to take its course, your baby would be frolicking up in penguin heaven. As it is now, you've selfishly condemned your chick to roast in the reptilian bosom of beelzebub through all eternity. Happy now?

Perhaps you're unaware that oodles of experts (Carrie Prejean, Stephen Baldwin) have determined that those of you who prance about the Antarctic as if it was a foam dance at the Palm Springs White Party are, by your very existence, threatening life on this planet as we know it. But need I remind you that you're at a ZOO? Heavens to Betsy! How do you expect parents to explain to their children why those two boy penguins are watching Ugly Betty and teaching evolution to their child? Why I remember when my parents took me to the monkey house. I ended up throwing my poop well into my early twenties!

For God's sake, think of the children!!

Yours in Christ,

Maggie Gallagher

***

SHOUT-OUT TO HU JINTAO: Happy Tiananmen 20!!

Maggie sez: "Subscribing to this blog's feed is like having traditional parents barf fish down your throat; it's simply YUMMY!"

Comments

[David]

It strikes me that the charming and lovely Maggie has an unnatural amount of knowledge about the more esoteric sex practices of those darned homosexuals.

btw - editorial note: when I received my birth announcement from them, they were hypenating Z-Vielpunkts. I guess they are just a modern couple and whatnot.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy David! We are unsurprised by Maggie's expertise in homosex; it seems to be all she thinks about.

Oh, and editorial criticism noted. We have hyphenated the Z-Vielpunkts.

xox
WAM

[Jan]

I don't know what *she* is all up in arms about; come Dececmber 21, 2012 those icky ol' Mayans are going to take care of all her problems for her.

You'd think they'd have the decency to wait a day and let me enjoy my 50th birthday. Damn extinct South Americans - no consideration whatsoever.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Jan, we have a feeling you're going to celebrate the big five-oh. If those Mayans really were all that, they'd hardly be extinct, right? No civilization who routinely cuts the heart out of enemy prisoners can hope to be our moral authority. Right, Mr. Cheney?

xox
WAM

[lablu∞z]

Stephen, Thank you on a day when most of the data (as opposed to information) i am receiving via my lap(top) is devoted to the passing of "Actor David Carradine ("Grasshopper" Kwai Chang Caine) - RIP". You remembered to say hiya to ol' Hu Jintao -[Y"S] as we of the tribal faith would add.

~lb*/

[Whup-Ass Master]

@Lablu-z: Indeed, we were going to devote the entire post to Tiananmen 20, but we felt like being funny. And there's nothing funny 'bout dat shizzle.

xox
WAM

[RBG]

I am shocked that old Maggot would go after the penguins in such a fashion. One would think that homosexual penguins would hit a little close to home, what with their allegorical ties to her own sapphic experiences at the hands of the nuns in convent school. Well, I'm assuming, anyway.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@RBG: One does indeed wonder what dark, sticky, sexual experience Madame Gallagher experienced to make her so hell-bent against homos. She certainly looks like someone a predatorial gym teacher would keep after school for push-ups.

xox
WAM

[Flaquita]

Jan - tip o the hat for even knowing about the Mayan calendar round and the end of the Great Cycle (or the world to believe some) but tsk tsk for not knowing that the Maya number about 2 million in Guatemala alone and double that if you add Honduras, Mexico, and El Salvador. that is, way way far from extinct mi amigo. And they are central (or meso if you prefer) american, not south american.

Did you not see Apocalypse??

[Whup-Ass Master]

Dear Flaquita, perhaps Jan was refering to the long vanished Mayan empire, whose rude habit of chopping out the beating hearts of terrified prisoners is appalling to anyone who isn't Dick Cheney.

xox
WAM

[uggs outlet]

Your opinion is very good