Our New Nigerian Pen-pal

Dear ass-whuppers: Today, we had no idea what to blog about because nothing struck us as particularly funny or interesting. Then behold, like comic mana from heaven, we found a lovely note in our spam folder from one Mr. John Enoh Ewan, the Chairman of the House Finance Committee of Nigeria (we KNOW!). And get this! He wants to give us money! Of course, this is the tiredest con on earth (known as the "spanish prisoner" or 419 scam). But we decided to have a little fun at Mr. Ewan's expense. Below, read his email to us, and our response.

From: Hon. John Enoh <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]
Sent: Mon, 11 May 2009 3:08 pm
Subject: can i confide in you

Dear Friend,

I am John Enoh Ewan the Chairman  House of Committee on Finance, Federal Republic of Nigeria I write to honorably request your assistance to receive amount of money into your account for safe keeping and for future investment in your country.

As chief supervisor of  foreign  contracts, the sum of US$25,000,000.00 (Twenty Five Million  United States Dollars) is available in escrow account that I intend to transfer overseas through your assistance as a foreign partner. This money is as a result of unpaid contract amount to foreign contractors in the Niger - Delta in Petroleum industry. As soon as the contract is paid to you, I will share with you 40% and 60% for me.

You can reach me by return mail, including your full names and age, your contact address and country of origin, your company's name (if any) Your Position /Occupation, and your confidential telephone (cell) and fax number

The above information will enable me brief you more details of the transaction and also start the application process/documentation that will lead to the release of the funds to you through bank to bank transfer. While waiting for your quick response I remain your potential investment partner.

Best Regards,

Honorable John Enoh

***

From: [email protected]
To: Hon. John Enoh <[email protected]>
Sent: Mon, 11 May 2009 3:08 pm
Subject: can i confide in you

Howdy!

I was so happy to get your email, because yesterday when I was driving back from the Fayetteville Annual Mother's Day Hog Callin Contest, I hit a cow with my El Camino and now it don't run too good. What's more, my dear mother (whose size prevents her from using a safety belt) conked her noggin on the dashboard and now she thinks she's Mitzi Gaynor. I need some money to fix my car and send mother to The Wrinkle Barn, a discount home for the aged and overly-nervous.

Wow, you're a Chairman of Financing Houses in Nigeria? That must be exciting. I have a boring job. I crochet outfits for kitty cats and sell them on e-Bay. Do you have a kitty cat? I have five. Miss Kizzy, Sambo, Mammy, Fluffypants and Bojangles. Nigeria sounds neat. Is it in Europe? I don't get to travel much, mostly because I don't like foreign people or negros. You are the most important person I ever talked to! Are you single? I haven't had a date since 1993, when I lost an eye in a badminton tournament.

Tell me what I need to do to get that money! I bet I could buy a flatscreen tv set and maybe even a fake eyeball too, just like Sandy Duncan or Sammy Davis Jr.

Do you like Sandy Duncan? I do. She eats Wheat Thins.

Sincerely,

Ms. Whupassa Stuart Masterson

Will the honorable John Enoh Ewan take the bait? We hope so; we've suddenly grown fond of Whupassa Stuart Masterson.

We shall keep you abreast of any future developments. This could be fun.

xox
WAM

John Enoh Ewan sez: "If only I had a subscription to this blog's feed, I'd know Ms. Whupassa Stuart Masterson was pulling my leg."

Comments

[David]

I look forward to being kept abreast....actually not so much.

[Whup-Ass Master]

thanks david. actually not so much.

xox
WAM

[Rambosf]

WAM...

I played with one of these guys once.

To sum up our many email exchanges, he fell in love with me and wanted to visit. While he had already purchased his very expensive airline ticket, he needed the money for the taxes. He called me "daddy" and loved me after all, so of course I should send it. After sending him to Western Union a few times, I told him that it was apparent that that WU was not working, but as luck would have it, my best friend "Race Bannon" was at the US Embassy in Lagos and would give him the money, just go and ask for him. Sadly, my little buddy was not in town the days Race was there and he could not do that. Well, I told him that Race extended his trip and was waiting for him...after a few more exchanges, he called me a liar...can you believe that???

There may be a reason why I'm single...hmmmm

[Whup-Ass Master]

Rambo, you cruel beast.

xox
WAM

[Rambosf]

Well, the Nigerians are not the only con men online.

Years ago, I met a man on gay.com chat who told me privately that he had been conned by a young cowboy kid from Oklahoma. The kid was alone for Thanksgiving and this guy felt sorry for him and sent him money for an airline ticket to visit him. Needless to say, he never showed up.

A week later, my friend sent me a private message telling me the kid was back in the chat room. In the public room, I "outed" the kid as a con man and he disappeared. I immediately received two private messages from men telling me that they too had been conned by the kid.

[johnny virgil]

I did this once and pretended to be kris kringle.

http://www.scamorama.com/kriskringle.html

It was great fun.

[Louis Vuitton Bags]

You say intifada, we say Masada
Allah, Challah
Intifada, Masada
Let's blow the whole world up
You say hummus, we say Hamas
You walk among us, And then you bomb us
Hummus, Hamas
Among us, Bomb us

[Burberry Handbags]

5. Transfer meat to lined pie dish, cover with top pie crust and seal edges. Bake at 400 F oven for 20-25 minutes, or until crust is golden.

Serve with a nice red wine and a fresh green salad.

It sounds like such a delectable entree, that we decided to contact the author of Cooking for Assholes (one of our favorite blogs), and challenge him to whip up a lovely batch of Bambi pie. Not only did he take us up on this challenge, in a desperate attempt to align himself with COWA, he featured our email on C4A.

So now we dare you, dear readers. We call you out. Pop

[Wholesale Handbags On Sale]

On Saturday, we wrote a lovely letter to one Mrs. Dorothy Richardson, the Ohio octogenarian who, upon seeing a fawn sitting rudely amongst her zinnias, grabbed a shovel and pounded its skull into mulch.

This prompted an unsolicited plethora of ve

[Hermes Birkin]

2 lb venison steak
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 lb button mushrooms, sliced
3 tablespoons of lemon juice
1 cup of red wine
¼ cup of bacon fat
¼ cup of flour
1 teaspoon of chili powder
½ teaspoon of ground mace
4 bay leaves
½ teas

[Coach Factory Outlet Online]

OK, here's one from a hunting buddy of mine:

Rabbit Pot Pie
1 rabbit, cut into serving pieces
water
vinegar
salt and pepper
flour
2 med. onions, chopped
2 carrots, diced
3 potatoes, diced
pie crust or biscuits

Soak rabbit in equal parts of water and vinegar overnight.

Remove rabbit from water and vinegar mixture and dry. Season with salt and pepper to taste and roll in flour.

In a stew pot, large skillet or dutch oven (all cast-iron only), heat a little oil and brown the rabbit quickly on all sides.

Add enough water to cover the rabbit. Cover and simmer for 1-1 1/2 hrs. Take the meat out of the pot, remove the bones, and tear it into bite-size pieces, then return it to the pot.

Add the onions, carrots and potatoes. Cover and simmer until carrots are tender.

Thicken the broth with flour. Use 2 T. of flour for each cup of broth.

Pour into a greased baking dish and top with the pie crust or with biscuits.

Bake at 375° until the crust is golden brown.

"Bunny appetit!"