Can O' Whup-Ass: This Week in Poop #21: The Greatest Story Ever Pooped

It's been a long time since we took a stroll through the poop-centric items of interest from all corners of the globe. We've got a lot to wade through, so let's dive right in!

I WANT MY POOP: In a heartwarming gesture of thanks, someone messengered a package of poop to MTV executive Joe Cuello. We approve. It's high time MTV was given a little taste of what they've been throwing at us for decades.
HOLY DONKEY POOP: When devout Christians make a pilgrimage to Nazareth, they can purchase a souvenir to remind them of Israel; industrious types have begun selling donkey plop majestically suspended in acrylic cubes. Just what Jesus would have wanted, no doubt.
I LEFT MY POOP IN SAN FRANCISCO: The citizens of San Francisco have been jolted from their blissful stupor by a horrifying string of potty fires. An arsonist has set over 21 such blazes since November, reducing highly inflammable porto-sans to oozing piles of blue goo. The resourceful San Franciscans refuse to take it sitting down, and have organized "potty patrols." Sign up today!
THE FLYING TOILETS OF NAIROBI: The sensible sub-Saharan countries of Africa have been too busy starving, revolting and hacking each other to bits to get around to building proper facilities. "Flying toilets" are the norm in urban settings like Nairobi. Folks simply pinch a loaf into a ziplock baggie and hurl it from their house. It's been called an epidemic. In related news: there are simply oodles of travel bargains to Nairobi!
TURD BURGLARS OF LONDON:One recent morning took a distressing turn when curators at London's dazzling Natural History Museum discovered that someone had stolen a priceless hunk of dinosaur poop. Not only are 65 million-year-old fossilized titanosaurus droppings irreplaceable, they frequently wear dresses and answer to the name Camilla Parker-Bowles.
TURD BURGLARS OF LONDON, PART DEUX:Daniel Bennet's day started on the wrong foot when his lizard poop went missing. It was soon discovered that a janitor at Leeds University had tossed it out, jeopardizing Mr. Bennet's PhD candidacy. A PhD in Lizard Poop? Suddenly our degree seems sensible.
LITTLE BUNNY POO-POO: For years, Susan Bell has been contemplating what to do with her horse's poop. Eureka! The classy gal has decided to roll up her sleeves and mold it into bunny-rabbits! She sells them as dung bunnies. And she's single, guys!!
THE GOLD POOPERS OF NAGANO:It has been recently discovered that when the charming citizens of Nagano Japan drop Fat Man and Little Boy off at the pool, their poop contains gold. More gold, in fact, than the world's most productive gold mines. Grab your prospecting pans! There's gold in them thar sewers!
THE EXPLODING SEWERS OF MISSOURI: One day the sewer exploded in the glorious shangri-la of Jefferson City, Missouri. This resulted in poop coating the inside of two families' homes. Are those brownies you're baking Mrs. Cleaver?
POOP DIVER FINDS HIS KEYS: One day along US Highway 30, a man climbed down into the latrine pit of a rest stop and got stuck in the poop. Upon being rescued, he explained to the nice firemen that he'd dropped his keys and went to find them. He later found his keys in his back pocket. You meet the strangest men at rest stops, don't you Senator Craig?
KOBE BRYANT'S POOP MAID: Kobe Bryant treats maids poorly. He got a little rape-y with a hotel maid a few years ago, and now his domestic is suing the Bryants for abuse. Aside from being unpleasant and yelly, Kobe's wife made the poor woman stick her hand in a bag of dog poop. It's so hard to find good help these days.
THE POOP KIDS OF ROME: Roman police recently found hundreds of homeless immigrant children living in the sewers. Above ground, Pope Benedict made another speech against birth control before retiring to the Vatican men's room and pooping on the children.
SUSAN BELL, NAKED DOG POOP LADY: One sunny day in the idyllic hamlet of Portsmouth New Hampshire, it occurred to Susan Bell to take off her clothes and pick up dog poop in a neighborhood park. Yes, we noticed that she shares her name with the dung bunny woman, but they are not the same person. But if you ever meet a woman named Susan Bell, be sure to throw some poop at her. We have scientific proof that all Susan Bells love it.