Stumble It!
Howdy-doody-doodle-all-day! Gracious! It's been ages since you've enjoyed an indispensable dispatch from Aunt Betsy-stan (Christian theocracy, population moi). Here I sit, comfortably wedged in my gorgeous mint green and chartreuse custom House Beautiful breakfast nook, lounging over a lovely cup of instant Taster's Choice and a toasty warm Pop Tart with lemon-esque filling, eyeing with some annoyance my neighbor's flower bed. Those irritating sodomites are hostile gardeners; they delight in growing perfect tulips for the sole purpose of diminishing the effect of my more natural (heterosexual) flower bed. Once again I'll be forced to hire that retarded gypsy boy who bags groceries at the Piggly Wiggly to sneak Drano pellets into their Miracle Gro.
As you know, my twin sister Levitica and I are voracious theatre-goers. So when I heard that the regional tour of a dazzling all-caucasian production of "The Wiz" starring Loretta Swit was to enjoy a brief run at the Greater Headcheese Arts Center and Livestock Auction House, I quickly snatched up two orchestra seats. It was enjoyable enough, and makes infinitely more sense with white actors. However, I must admit I felt Ms. Swit was a bit long in the tooth to be playing Dorothy, particularly considering Mindy Cohn's (Natalie from "The Facts of Life") alarming interpretation of Auntie Em (was the black-face really necessary, Natalie?). Anywho, Levitica and I waited at the stage door for Ms. Swit to sign our programs, when "Night Court's" Markie Post (forgettable as Evilene) whisked us into her limo for a night on the town. It was ill-advised; we awoke at 7 a.m. in a pasture behind a Jiffy Lube on the outskirts of Amarillo. Long story short, I was quickly reminded why I hate Texas.
When I see a t-shirt emblazoned with that impotent "Don't Mess With Texas" threat, stretched across the manboobs of someone from Dallas, I am filled with a desire to mess with Texas until it thinks it's Saskatchewan in a dress. And so I've decided to answer letters of a Texas-centric nature, and mess with them. Aunt Betsy's fixing to mess with Texas. Let the Texas-messing begin!!
Dear Aunt Betsy: I done saw a story on FoxNews 'bout some folks in England who are too fat to work so they git money from the guvmint. 'Sept now they say the 40 grand the guvmint give 'em every year ain't enough to buy all the chow they eat. Then I saw a picture of them. Shoot, they's skinny little things, Betsy! Those folks ain't too fat to work! Still they on welfare like negros or democrats. Signed, Lovely Austin Redhead Don't Abide Skinny Sluts
Dear LARDASS: Texas produces the fattest people in the US, which in turn is the fattest country on earth. The fattest people in Texas live in Houston. So the next time Jesus punishes you by sending you to Houston, ponder the fact that you're surrounded by the fattest people in the solar system. New homes being built in Texas now have hinged roofs so when their grease-choked hearts fart to a stop and they have to be hoisted by crane onto a flatbed ambulance, minimal damage is done to the home. The charming Chawner family of England are indeed brittle waifs next to the typical Texan, whose gravitational pull is roughly equal to that of Neptune.
Dear Aunt Betsy: I am homeskooled. I am in the forth graid. I am sevintene. I live in a town in Teksis cald Tyler. My mom sez we got a reppazentive in are state guvmint who wants are skools to teetch about Adam and Eve riding dinosarz in the buybul. I want to learn dinosar stuff. Its kool. Do you like tater tots? I like minez with kachip. Signed Boy U Sure Have Funny Address! Neat!
Dear BUSHFAN: What a charming and well-worded letter. Indeed, you are a constituent of State Representative Leo Berman, a gaydar-activating old codger who is currently sponsoring House Bill 2800, which would remove accreditation requirements for any college that doesn't receive government funding. I know big long words like that make you go pee pee in your Sears Tuffskins, so I'll state it simply: "Sugar-Boots" Berman (who has proposed relocating immigrants to concentration camps), wants schools to be able to teach you that unicorns are extinct because Noah didn't want any homo critters on his ark. Then he wants you to be given a degree in science.
Dear Aunt Betsy: I've been reading this column and it's full of such flapdoodle that I had to write a letter. Texas is a lovely state! You should stop saying fibs! My husband and I just came back after spending a few years in a snotty city in the east where they laughed at my outfits and made fun of my husband cause he don't talk good. I like Texas cause when folks say stuff to me I can understand it. I just had my third Xanatini. How come armadillos are doing the Achy Breaky dance on the ceiling? Signed Lies And Untruths "R" Aggravating!
Dear LAURA: Perhaps I've been a bit harsh. After all, when your husband was back east leading us into a war against Muslims in Iraq (a hot flat wasteland that smells like camel poop), Texas (a hot flat wasteland that smells like cow poop) led the nation in the number of converts to Islam. And although every single person in Texas is an insufferable malodorous bore, at least you have the good taste to execute your citizens at twice the rate as the rest of us.
Aunt Betsy sez: "I'd rather subscribe to this blog's feed than go to Texas"
Ha ha, very funny. Except I can attest that folks in rural Ohio are generally more fat than the people here in Houston.
Posted by: Jeffrey Ellis | March 26, 2009 at 08:50 AM
Houston did lose the title of fattest in Texas to San Antonio. In fact, if u look at statistics, the fattest cities are those with large immagrant Hispanic populations and poverty. Its an education issue and not particularly funny. As for the legislator, he is, per the article, trying to legitimize degrees in Texas that already are so in California! Besides the bill has no chance of passing nor does it have a sponser in the other house. As for the last bit, although I think its misleading, I can't be bothered by implications that Texas is extremely diverse. That is a good thing and very true.
Posted by: Mike in Texas | March 26, 2009 at 10:53 AM
@Jeff and @Mike: Please take a browse thru our archives. We take aim at virtually everything and there are no sacred cows. We've made fun of our homestate. We've made fun of ourselves. We've been to Texas and it's not the worst place on Earth. Cheer up, at least you're not Tuscaloosa.
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | March 26, 2009 at 11:11 AM
What the hell is wrong with Sears Tuffskins? (Although I have no clue what Tuffskins are) I just wanted to complain about something. I lived in Texas for a few years, and while I'm in no hurry to rush back, I'd move back there before I'd live in Florida!
Oh, and anyone that might cry over this post, put your big boy pants on and get over it. You have no idea what it's like to be made fun of until you live in the southeastern U.S. and get cracked at!
Posted by: Angel | March 27, 2009 at 05:58 AM
Oh, I wasn't getting on you for making fun of Texas -- just for failing to make more fun of Ohio!
Mike In Texas -- Are you the "Mike In Texas" who posts on alt.music.rush sometimes?
Posted by: Jeffrey Ellis | March 27, 2009 at 09:24 AM