VATICAN CITY -- He's God's representative on earth. He darts hither and yon in a motorized plexiglass coffin. He flounces about a gorgeous mansion wearing fabulous jewelry, Prada shoes, and a long silky dress. And you best behave yourself, oh Cathy-licks of the world; 'cause the Pope named after a fattening egg dish is feeling a tad crabby.
What, we hear you ask, has caused our effeminate Aunt Bennie's Wonder Woman Underoos to get all bunched up in the Papal buttcrack? Shouldn't he be in a more festive mood? Isn't this the time of year for goodwill towards all men (except for the sissies)? After all, over two thousand years ago didn't a homeless Palestinian girl waddle into a barn, squat over a trough and squeeze his future boss from her shame hole?
Ah, but the holidays are stressful times. Megastore employees are being trampled. Santa was mugged. Gunfights are breaking out at Toys R Us over the last Barbie Jeep. Candy-cane beat downs are plaguing Sacramento. It shouldn't surprise us that His Popiosity is susceptible to the Christmas blues.
Consider his actions of late:
- Benedict, who pranced about the Bavarian Alps as a lad wearing lederhosen and a swastika armband whilst yodeling odes to der Führer, recently sang the praises of the pontiff who covered his ears and sang "Volare" as Mussolini was issuing Italo-jews one-way tickets to the Auschwitz Club Med.
- He has recently hired a man to head the Swiss Guard (those guys in the cute outfits who protect His Popitude and hail from that country that makes clocks and cheese and periodically invades Liechtenstein). The new guy, one Daniel Anrig, has a history of raiding hostels so he could strip search and torture the terrified foreigners.
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He has recently implemented a quiz for hopeful priests to weed out those with a potential latent desire to be boned up their poo hole.
HEY KIDS!! Take Aunt Benedict's "Homo-Be-Gone Priest Quiz!"
QUESTION ONE: A supple young man enters your confessional and admits to an unnatural relationship with German sausage. Do you:
A) Tell him to say five Hail Marys and meet you behind the rectory,
B) Bend him over a pew and tell him to recite a passage from Leviticus, or
C) Lean close and whisper "Oh, Mary! I've got a raw bratwurst tucked in my dress and it needs to be cooked in your ass oven until it spits sin sauce!"
QUESTION TWO:You overhear a parishioner spuriously claim that Ida Lupino was fiercer than Bette Davis. Do you:
A) Tell him to say five Hail Marys and meet you behind the rectory,
B) Slap his face and call him a philistine before bursting into tears and dashing out of the room, or
C) Kindly remind him that it's a sin to bear false witness, then bend him over a pew and tell him to recite a passage from Leviticus
QUESTION THREE: You're enjoying a lovely evening behind the bushes in a city park when a rude gentleman offers you Cher tickets to play "Misty" on his skin flute. Do you:
A) Tersely explain the incompatibility of your Chastity and his Bono,
B) Slip on some knee pads and start humming "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves," or
C) Cheerfully say "Queen, please! Cher is OVER! I wouldn't pay five cents to watch her Botox her labia. But Beyonce's fabulous. You could fist me like a muppet if you had Beyonce tickets. She's one fierce bitch, girlfriend."
The Pope subscribes to this blog's feed, but He feels dirty afterwords.
You are my SHEro! My funniest SHEro ever!
Posted by: mongoliangirl | December 02, 2008 at 11:17 AM
Why thanks, mongolian girl! Did you take the quiz? Did your hillbilly hubby?
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | December 02, 2008 at 11:32 AM
Questions one and three are tricky, but the answer to 2 could only be B. Ain't no one fiercer than Bette Davis.
Posted by: Jan | December 02, 2008 at 12:27 PM
Jan, I'm afraid you can't be a priest because according to your test scores you're a homosexual. Not to mention the fact that you have a vagina.
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | December 02, 2008 at 12:35 PM