COLUMBUS -- Greetings, dear readers! First, a heart-felt mea culpa for being so sporadic with our gorgeous blog postings. We have been swamped. Second, on the eve of that breathlessly-awaited day when God's favorite country will decide whether a doddering grandpa or an eloquent mulatto will take the helm of the Hindenburg, we thought it might be fun to catch you up on some key events that have transpired during our stay in dazzling Columbus Ohio:
- WE DID A FACE-PLANT ON THE ASPHALT: Ohio State University graciously provided us with a wonky 10-speed bicycle that had been rusting behind a faculty member's garage since Simon Le Bon ceased being attractive. Four days after arriving, we were doing our best Lance Armstrong, peddling like the dickens along the Olentangy River, when our bike hit some gravel and down we went. We had a bad-ass black eye and some serious "road rash" down one side of our devastatingly handsome face.
- WE SPILLED A MARTINI ON STACEY KEACH: The play "Frost/Nixon" came through Columbus, and the director of our brilliant play is old friends with the gentleman playing Frost. Keach, an actor we've always admired, is playing Nixon. We met them in a bar after one of their performances and he was very gracious. He expressed interest in our play. We thanked him by spilling a full Absolut Citron martini (up, very dry, with a twist) in his lap. Hold your applause 'til the end, folks.
- THE KENTUCKY PARANORMAL SOCIETY: So legend has it that the old house in which we've taken temporary residence is more haunted than Tara Reid's career. It's true, we've seen odd things; windows opening on their own, lights in the downstairs parlor switching on, etc. But no walls oozing goo a la Amityville, no toddler-napping ectoplasmic vortexes a la Poltergeist. At any rate, just before Halloween, the Kentucky Paranormal Society (we ponder whether their organization's name has built-in redundancies) camped out in our attic apartment, set up their ooga-booga equipment, made some s'mores and huddled under a bedsheet with a flashlight (okay, we made the last part up). We opted to spend that night elsewhere, but word has it nothing had to be slimed with ectoplasm, and Jo Beth Williams did not need to be shoved through a closet into the afterlife. Next time, maybe.
- WE WERE INTERVIEWED FOR NPR:It was just as you might imagine it. We took a taxi to a sedate looking radio station at the crack of dawn where a charming British woman asked us various questions in that calming "relaxation tape" NPR manner. We did our best not to sound retarded. We will let you know when it airs, and might even post a link to a website where you can listen to it over and over and over and over and over and over again.
- PALIN V. OBAMA: The campaigning in this town has been ri-DICK-ulous. Yesterday Palin was "you betcha-ing" and parading her retarded baby around like a trophy she won at the Wasilla Moose-Callin' Contest, while blocks away, Obama was informing an adoring crowd that the oval office redesign will include mud-cloth upholstery and a mural depicting the Wu Tang Clan crossing the Delaware. Traffic has been a nightmare.
- OUR PLAY GOES INTO TECH TONIGHT:We have reached that terrifying stage in the process where all the pieces (costume, lights, set, sound effects, makeup, etc.) are being brought together. Our play also is very multimedia, with tons of video effects. Heads will explode, tempers will be lost, hair will turn gray, and vast amounts coffee and Xanax will be consumed.
That's it, bitches! We pull up stakes three weeks from today and head back East. Now stop reading this and go out and VOTE ALREADY!
xox
WAM
If you don't subscribe to our blog's feed, we will think unflattering thoughts about your mom.
OMG - You spilled booze all over Mike Hammer. Lucky, lucky you.
I hope your face is all right. That will teach you to exercise, now won't it?
I am so sick of this election I could puke. Oh, wait - I already have.
Uh, you just BETTER let us know when we can hear what you sound like. I promise not to ridicule you because if you sound retarded.
Play? Would this be a play you are performing in, are directing, or have written? All three, perhaps?
Posted by: Jan | November 03, 2008 at 03:24 PM
OK. This is great. Here by way of 'Ask' and unable to comment due to hysteria. Thanks & best of luck w/ your review!
Posted by: Mongoliangirl | November 03, 2008 at 04:02 PM
LOL!!!!
Sorry about the road rash. I KNOW how that can tone down one's attractiveness (speaking from experience, no doubt).
Good luck! Break a leg! I'll be twitching in the audience like a finger on the trigger of a gun. (thanks to Bruce) on Friday the 14 th. (and staying at a 2 star hotel for lack of anything else even remotely close to the campus).
Posted by: JWB3 | November 03, 2008 at 08:52 PM
@ Jan: Mike Hammer was three sheets to the wind at the time, which probably worked in our favor. Our face is better but we have scars on our forehead and cheek. We will tell you about the NPR thing, promise. Oh, and if you're curious about our play, check out this site:
http://theatre.osu.edu/events/pangea.html
and this post:
http://canofwhupass.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/09/ohio-ho.html
@ Mongoliangirl: Welcome aboard our crazy train! We hope we get the thumbs up from the "ask" folks. Not counting those chickens before they hatch though.
@JWB cubed: So glad you're coming! We'll be surrounded by an entourage that night (five of us in a group, all homos), but PLEASE come up and say hello!
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | November 03, 2008 at 11:43 PM
I'm all about the crazy train and am diggin yours! I have some SERIOUS reading to do to catch up to you crazy mofos. Damn! As we say here in the Missouri Ozarks, "You people are fucked up six ways to Sunday!" And that's just the way I like my peeps.
Posted by: mongoliangirl | November 04, 2008 at 12:14 AM
Dude you have been busy indeed. Sorry to hear about the road rash.
Your play looks pretty awesome, too bad I'm not in OH anymore or I'd come see.
Posted by: Jeffrey Ellis | November 04, 2008 at 08:30 AM
@ mongoliangirl: we're sorry, we don't speak "jive." we suspect, however, that you were giving us a well-earned compliment. so thanks, bitch. keep checking this space, subscribe to the feed, tell your "peeps" about it and keep leaving comments! xox
@ JE: stinker! howz it?? and thanks, man!
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | November 04, 2008 at 09:32 AM
I knew I would love it here! Callin' me a bitch and accusing me of speaking jive and all. I'll be back for sure now. Obviously. You'll have to catch up with my 'peeps' over on The Cusp. Seriously, that shit is too fucked up to write about twice. Smackdown whores! Have a great day with the OYG and the OPP and all of that shit.
Posted by: mongoliangirl | November 04, 2008 at 12:46 PM
Hello mongoliangirl. We checked out your site and found it delightful. Any blog that mentions horse farts and hillbillies has us at "hello." Dear readers, check out this spunky chick's blog. She actually doesn't look at all Mongoloidy (see Palin's retarded baby that she parades about like a first prize trophy in a hog calling contest). In fact, mongoliangirl is something of a dish. Check her site: thecusp.wordpress.com (link on her name, above).
Cheers, whores!
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | November 04, 2008 at 02:28 PM
SKANKS! Pimpin' me out so soon after our first meeting? I fuckin' love you! I don't think I've ever been sent out to work the corner so fast! Thanks...and have a whorish day. Oh, and bitch bettah have my money!
Posted by: mongoliangirl | November 04, 2008 at 03:02 PM
Simon Le Bon will NEVER stop being cute.
~sniffle~
Funny stuff!
Signed,
Trapped in the 80s.
Posted by: DowDow | November 11, 2008 at 08:00 AM
DowDow: We were in high school and college during the 80s. We have love for that decade. But seriously, Mr. Le Bon has seen better days. Check out "Brief Notes of Friendly Concern."
xox
WAM
Posted by: Whup-Ass Master | November 11, 2008 at 10:35 AM