Meet Sarah Palin: McCain's Perky Number Two Answers Your Questions

ANCHORAGE -- From the idyllic land of igloos and caribou poop, the perkier-than-thou Ms. Sarah Palin has "mushed" onto the national radar screen on a dog sled pulled by her oddly named children. Delighting the beans-and-weenies stretch pants crowd last night in Saint Paul with a speech of such spunk it felt like the climactic scene in "Legally Blonde 3: The Brunette Gives 'em Elle," the gun-toting born-again Christian demonstrated to her naysayers the formidable teleprompter reading skills and the rhetorical talents she honed whilst minoring in poli-sci at Idaho State University and Sheep Ranch. Yet even still, it would appear that no one really knows who she is.

To remedy that situation, Ms. Palin has decided to proactively take the moose by the horns by requesting that we give her a forum to answer any and all questions you might have. We're only too happy to oblige.

Take it away!

Dear Ms. Palin: I like how Jesus controls your thoughts, like how you think womenfolk who have womb boogers hoovered from their sin-holes are hellbound sluts and you think Jesus wants Alaska to build a gas pipe. I admire the way you parade your retarded baby around to prove what a good mommy you are. But my question is how come your daughter forgot her "keep-it-in-your-pants" sex edukation by letting Levi Johnston put his sin-pole in her shame-zone? Is she retarded too? How many of your babies are retarded? Why do you keep giving your babies retarded names? Trig? Willow? Piper? Track? Bristol? Bristol sounds like some faggit from England with a silver spoon stuck up his butt. Signed, Mavis Anne Blackhead

Dear Mavis: Gosh, thanks for your letter! We named our fetus-incubating daughter after Bristol Bay because my family enjoys fishing there. We have since informed the little strumpet that her name isn't an invitation for every Tom Dick and Levi with a MySpace page to stick their rods in her halibut hole. We did not, as the liberal homosexual press might have you believe, name her Bristol because Harvey's Bristol Cream had anything to do with her conception, although it did. But what kind of woman would name her daughter Harvey? And naming a little girl Cream is just asking for trouble. We named the retarded one Track because he just loves pulling his mommy's dog sled around in a circle. He's mommy's little Rudolph. 

Dear Ms. Palin: How come the homosexual Jewish liberal baby-killing media is telling so many fibs about you? Is it because they worship Satan? Signed, Trudy Blandsplat

Dear Trudy: Gosh, thank you for your question! I'm glad you asked. This is the perfect opportunity to set the record straight! Below are some of the fibs and flapdoodle being spread like moose poop all over the interweb thingy and my outraged denials:

1. FIB: When Palin became mayor of Wasilla the town had a balanced budget, but when she left it was $20 million in debt.
   FACT: That's such malarkey! They were only $19,999,998.60 in debt! Only a Democrat would have spent the other $1.40!
2. FIB: Palin hates America so much she supports a radical Alaskan secession movement.
   FACT: Baloney! The record shows I want the polar bears to die, I've made every effort to turn the Arctic Wildlife Refuge into a vast muddy oil field, and tried to pay a $150 prize for every wolf shot by the guys who like to hunt by airplane. Those are not the actions of someone who hates America. Those are the actions of a woman who hates Alaska.
3. FIB: Palin thinks the Pledge of Allegiance was written by our founding fathers.
   FACT: Poppycock! Everyone knows the Pledge of Allegiance was written by Jesus! 
4. FIB: Palin has flip-flopped on earmarks (and lied when saying she opposed the "bridge to nowhere"), and also got a little "mind-change-y" on the topic of windfall taxes for oil companies (even after BP footed the bill for her gubernatorial inauguration). Her ethics also seem to fluctuate a tad; she won Alaska's governorship on an anti-corruption platform, yet used her influence in an attempt to have her ex-brother-in-law fired from his job as a state trooper because she didn't like him anymore.
   FACT: Jesus cries when you attack a defenseless woman like that.
5. FIB: Palin tried to fire the Wasilla town librarian when she wouldn't agree to a good old-fashioned book-burning.
   FACT: Have you met my retarded baby?

Dear Ms. Palin: I've heard those sodomite Democrats saying that McCain only asked you to be his running mate so that the ticket wouldn't look so old and decrepit and half dead. Is that true? Signed, Wanda Flaccid

Dear Wanda: That's utter nonsense. Everyone knows he asked me because I have a vagina. And now if you'll excuse me I have a retarded baby to attend to.

Sarah sez: "Anyone who would subscribe to this blog's feed probably who hates retarded babies"

Comments

[winski]

She's hot, fiesty, hunts big game, and knows how to use an assault rifle. FUCK YEA.

I married a girl from Idaho (Palin was born there). On our second date we went shooting.

So you know where I'm going to come down on this one.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Yes, Winksi...that's not a shocker. But to set the record straight, we think the fact that she's a hunting enthusiast and gun rights proponent is the only likable thing about her. You have no problems with her record? Firing a librarian for refusing to censor books? Trooper-gate? Trying to force her daughter into a marriage so her pregnancy would be less politically damaging? So her looks and her homestate alone sell you on her? Dude, we know you're republican and respect the fact that you're going to vote for your party...but still, you've got to be disappointed in McCain's choice. Hell, even that gargoyle Noonan was caught trashing her when she thought her mic was off. If Obama picked her democratic analog we'd be disgusted.

xox
WAM

[winski]

I read you.

however, trooper-gate looks like a non-event to me. certainly much lower on the scale than filegate, travelgate, W's nonesones, monica, etc. there's no meat on that trooper gate bone.

force her daughter into marriage: don't know that.

firing a libarian for refusing to censor books: meh. who knows what happened.

biggest worry for me is if the old man croaks in 6 months and Sarah (or Barry Obama) gets the keys to the big machine. that's a far bigger worry than the library books don't cha think?

"Mrs. President, in accordance with CONPLAN and due to imagery indicating increased levels of activity at silkworm missle sites at abu musa (google it) we believe an immediate dispatch of 2 CVBG's coupled with a activation of the 2nd MEF and the ready brigade of the 82nd airborne would be prudent, however we are unsure of the political ramifications of such a move, and since Lincoln is still in work ups, we need your permission to send the X-order... we have about 48 hours before those sites are operational. Your thoughts ma'am?"

Deer in the headlights look...

Scary shit dude.

and that shit ain't checkers it's chess.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Yep, there will be scary moments but we have zero doubt that obama's up to it. He's a fast, pragmatic thinker. You might not agree with his opinions but we doubt he'd be a pansy on the international diplomacy tip (in fact, the idea that Dems are soft on international diplomacy is a myth contradicted by history). Palin, on the other hand, actually thinks jesus tells her if she can build a natural gas pipeline. She pretends to be against the "bridge to nowhere" when she lobbied hard for it and in fact hasn't returned the earmark funds to the fed even after the project was canceled. So she's crazy and corrupt.

xox
WAM

[winski]

yea right. Obamas up to it. yea right.
People are just too dumb to realize he's not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjZmA4YXFNo
(i love hillarys face on this one)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Av7Ztd9ku8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ae-Ak9WuUio

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uw2XTC1V4fk&feature=related
(you might do it, but it's STUPID to say it)

[Whup-Ass Master]

He has ten times the good judgement as dubya. There's absolutely no arguing that point. Georgie is flat-out stupid. He's surrounded himself with advisors without whom the man couldn't function even as well as he does now, which is barely. Why is "up to the job" suddenly an issue with you GOP-ers when it certainly wasn't during the last two elections? Gimme a freakin break.

xox
WAM

[winski]

I can't argue with your last statement. Remember the W interview during the campaign when he didn't even know who the president of pakistan was???

So we have been down this road before.
If elected, I can only hope Obama has the sense to know when he's in over his head. W obviously did not have the sense.

I'll go with McCain on this, and hope to God his heart keeps beating.

[Preston]

Omigod! I don't know what to say! Your reaction is much more edgier than mine but damn, I LOVE the picture. Sorta looks like Tank Girl meets Agent 99!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy Preston! Well, your take was less edgy perhaps but certainly more lucid :-)

xox
WAM

[leigh]

is that really her in a bikini or just your mad photoshopping skillz?

[Whup-Ass Master]

Leigh! That is actually her, the only photoshopping we did was to clip her out, put her in grayscale, finish the top of her hairdo (her noggin was slightly cut off) and give her a drop shadow. We did not superimpose her mug onto a slutty gun crazy bikini babe. No, Ms. Palin is a genuine slutty gun crazy bikini babe. Except she's also born-again.

xox
WAM

[wildwildwest]

Only one thing out of place here; she majored in journalism, not poli-science... funny as hell. You must be crazy-fun-bipolar to come up with so much crazy shit. Ha!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Hey there Wild Wild West! We know she majored in journalism, she minored in poli-sci. And thanks for the props, dawg.

xox
WAM

[Skip]

I can't stop laughing over this one. Superb!!

[Qelqoth]

If I was American, I'd be voting McCain.

That Palin bitch kicks ass.

[Whup-Ass Master]

@ skip: thanks, bitch! y'all come back now, y'hear?

@ qelqoth: that's why you're retarded. BTW, did you click on the "faggit from England" link? You're welcome.

xox
WAM

[Preston]

I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but the picture is fake. I've seen the original and it's not her, but hey, it's still worth a laugh. (and dammit, I was hoping it was real). You should check out Shoebox Blog's "More Differences Between a Pit Bull and Hockey Mom" post. It's hilarious.

[Loose Cannon]

Great Post. We also have a post called "Snow MILF" about Ms. Palin if you'd like to check it out. And....I just gave you 3 smiley faces.
You're quite welcome.
Sincerely,

LC

"Are You F---ing Kidding Me?"
Real Life. Real Shenanigans.
www.rufkm.net

[Whup-Ass Master]

@ Preston: oops, our bad. we can promise WE didn't photoshop palin's mug onto bikini babe.

@ Loose Cannon: we are fans of RUFKM, and your post is indeed amusing. But no more using our comments section to advertise your blog. you're already on our blogroll, and if your comment's clever enough folks will click on over to your site anyway. We'll let it stand this time but in the future such comments will be deleted. Thanks!

xox
WAM

[Margaret (Nanny Goats)]

This is so mean, wrong and Politically Incorrect.... I LOVE IT!!!!!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Why thank you Margaret! We pride ourselves in our meanness, wrongitude and political incorrectiosity.

xox
WAM

[Ms. Cornelius]

Snarky! And that photo? I may break a rib over that one.

But really, the ultimate chutzpah was to trot out the daughter's impregnator onto the stage. Wow. Maybe Sarah and Todd need to explain "elopement" to those two crazy kids.

But I just want to point out, that for all that the anti-abortion and anti-family planning crowd like to trumpet her and her daughter's choices to continue their pregnancies, it's because of Democrats that they even HAVE a choice.

At least a legal one.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Dear Ms. Cornelius:

Here, here! I'd like to second that.

FYI, at the National Enquirer (beacon of political journalism), the same folks who broke the Edwards affair and the Bristol womb booger story are preparing to expose Governor "family is #1" Palin's tawdry affair with a staffer. Oops.

xox
WAM

[wildwildwest]

so, dawg! put me in your blog-roll, beyatch!

www.awildmonkeydance.com

i send your shit all over the planet, i can't help myself!

www

[Whup-Ass Master]

Hey WWW...

Oversight corrected. Mea culpa.

xox
WAM