Can O' Whup-Ass: Eavesdropper: The Boys of Summer

Some time ago, we tried to educate our fellow Americans in the manly joys to be found in the great sport of soccer (or "football," as the rest of the world has mistakenly called it). It was a truly enlightening experience, to say the least.

Now, in the interest of spreading international goodwill (a trait for which we Americans are universally adored), we decided to educate the citizens of all non-American nations on the nuances of our national pastime. No, we don't mean eating cheese doodles and watching Oprah. We're talking baseball, bitches.

Below, we've provided snippets of conversations of several electrifying moments overheard in various ballparks. In between swinging their wood, sliding into home, and popping their flies into the cheap seats, it becomes quickly apparent why baseball was once called by Damon Runyon "a virile ballet." You're welcome, whores.

CONVERSATION ONE

PLAYER 1: Hey, drop the chalupa!
PLAYER 2: I just wanted to shake hands with your short-stop.
P1: He's shy.
P2: Well he's making my one-eyed ump call it high and inside.
P1: I feel our relationship's growing quickly trivial.
P2: Come on, baby. Lean into the pitch and take one for the team.
P1: No. Your knuckle ball scares me.
P2: It's my slider that should worry you.
P1: Shush. Kate Smith's about to bless America.
P2: Screw that fat dead broad. I got your oceans of white foam right here.
P1: You're naughty.

CONVERSATION TWO

PLAYER 1: Penny for your thoughts.
PLAYER 2: Not here. My domestic partner is watching us.
P1: You said it was over.
P2: He ridiculed my tofu lasagna at our last Project Runway dinner party.
P1: Such flagrant cruelty! My poor, dear, buttercup.
P2: And I caught him hitting grounders with the bat boy in the bullpen.
P1: Let's run away to Ibiza and tango in sarongs to Madonna.
P2: I don't deserve you. Can I ask a favor?
P1: Anything, my little pinch hitter.
P2: Could you like, suck on a tic-tac or something?

CONVERSATION THREE

PLAYER (to the tune of "Everything's Coming up Roses"):
You'll be swell! You're a natch!
Every ball that you pitch I will catch!
You'll be safe, slide it home!
Honey, Everything's Coming up JAZZ HANDS!
Get on deck! Swing your wood!
Gonna bunt you a grounder, but good!
Wear a cup, grab your mitt!
Honey, Everything's Coming up JAZZ HANDS!
You're my guy now, stick with me and we'll win
Pop a fly now, this time don't aim for my eye now!
Batter up! Don't strike out!
Hit a homer and then prance about!
And when no one's around, we can meet on the mound
And then we'll hit the showers when we're through!
Honey, Everything's Coming Up JAZZ HANDS for Me and For YOU!!!!

CONVERSATION FOUR

PLAYER 1: And one, two, cha-cha-cha! Three, four, cha-cha-cha!
PLAYER 2: I'll never be ready for the All-Star Ballroom Dance Expo!
P1: You're not counting.
P2: I hear Giambi's doing the Merengue with Posada this year.
P1: Say, you've been doing squats!
P2: I'm glad you noticed. In spring training A-Rod said my batter's box was bigger than Fenway.
P1: There's a full count in my jockstrap.
P2: You beast! Hold that thought until the seventh inning stretch.
P1: You're still not counting.
P2: Okay, okay. I'm a silly little flibberty-jibbet.
P1: Say it with me: one, two, cha-cha-cha...

CONVERSATIONS FIVE, SIX and SEVEN

The original transcripts accompanying these three images were purchased by the participants for a hefty sum. We encourage you to fill in your own overheard conversations. Add them to the comments section if you wish.