NASHVILLE -- Not to be outdone by Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's album of soft-core torch-porn, ice queen/beer heiress/potential first lady Cindy McCain has released a charming country album called "...A Little Bit C*ntry" (we assume either a mix-up at Kinkos led to the vulgar and unfortunate typo, or it's a cute inside joke about her adoring husband's pet name for her). Although it's been getting minimal airplay outside of the Straight Talk Express (where it plays incessantly, rumor has it), her unique song stylings have raised eyebrows in the industry. One would think if there's room at the C&W table for the delicate croonings of the wholesome Miss Jessica Simpson, the wife of a "values party" candidate would be welcomed with open arms. Sadly, the reaction so far has been tepid at best. But before we rip the brittle homecoming queen to shreds, we thought we'd give her the benefit of a doubt and give it a totally unbiased listen.
Ms. McCain seems to be as fickle with that whole "staying on key" thing as she is with her husbands. Another key strolls by (perhaps one with political aspirations) and the key with whom she's bore children and promised to love and to hold (aka the key in which the song was written) is left to pick up the pieces as it chokes on Ms. McCain's dust. However, to her credit she has quite convincingly affected the "booze-and-pills-addled fog" that haunts the work of Amy Winehouse, Billie Holiday and Bette Midler just before she dies of an overdose in that movie in which Bette Midler dies of an overdose. Not since Vladmir Putin's bizarre collection swingin' Kremlin standards called "Red Hot + Vladdy" has a recording seemed, simultaneously, so fascinating and unnecessary. Grade: C+
Liner Notes:
Curl up with a cold one, drop a vicodin or five, and enjoy the down-home country stylings of Cindy McCain, your next first lady. Swoon with your sweetheart as Cindy wraps her golden throat around this meaty collection of original songs that were totally not plagiarized in any way, shape or form. Seriously. She's more caucasian than Doris Day, she's non-threatening, and hasn't formed an opinion of her own since 1985. After a single listen you'll wonder what you ever saw in that trashy Faith Hill whore. She is, unapologetically, Cindy with a capital "C" which stands for that word which rhymes with "Runtry." Now hush up y'all, the purdy gal's fixin to sang.
Track List:
Don't Go to Keggers or You'll Come Home Preggers
Who Put the "Perk" in Percoset?
Defibrillate Your Man*
Let's be Louses and Dump Our Spouses (or, "The Family Values Song")
Ballad of the Keating Five
Honey, What's That on Your Neck? (or, "M is for Melanoma")
I'm Likin' Vicodin, But Wantin' Oxycontin
Beer is for Republicans (or, "The Beer-Beer-Beer Song")
I've Got Beers in My Tears and My Ankles By My Ears in My Bed While I Cry Under You
MEDLEY: Michelle, ma Belle/Obama-bama-bo-batwah-banana-fana-fo-fatwah/Mammy
*Sample Lyrics: "Defibrillate Your Man" (with apologies to Tammy Wynette)
It's like I'm married to my grandpa
Saddled with a goat called John McCain
I'm hitched—a bitch is Ms. Methuz'la
It can drive a gal to booze-la
'Specially when his heart conks out again
When he's acting cardiac arrest-y
Gel the paddles, turn the dial to "ten"
Cause if it's no ordinary
Run-of-the-mill coronary
Dead guys rarely do elections win
Defibrillate your man
When the poor sap's got angina
Your lonely poor forlorn vagina
Will hafta wait, defibrillate your guy
Defibrillate your man
Simply yell "all clear!" and fry him
When he wakes you might stand by him
Depends if his Depends are wet or dry
Defibrillate your man
Defibrillate your man...
End Notes:
- COWA is now gorgeously featured on Alltop, who had the good taste to feature us on their Humor page. It's quid pro quo time and we're quidding like a pro 'til our quo falls off.
- Also: dear offended Republicans, we stand by this post and think Cindy is a frightening cross between Eva Peron and Witchiepoo. Howev, in the interest of equal time, you can look forward to Foxy Brown's spectacularly offensive interview with Michelle Obama sometime soon.
- If you haven't subscribed to COWA's feed, we still like you. Just not as much.
- Finally, click your ass on over to Humor-Blogs and vote for us. Shameless self-promotion complete. Go spread joy.
That is such an endearing picture of Cindy on her Cuntry album. I must rush off to Amazon and order the cd.
Posted by: Augusto | August 08, 2008 at 08:03 PM
Howdy Augusto...yes, Cindy is just a down-home gal.
xox
WAM
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