A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Pamela Anderson

Um, Pammy?

Hi.

Hey! We have a great idea. Let's find a cozy booth in the corner (away from the harsh lighting) and order a round or eight of guavakiwitinis, how does that sound?

Okay, so here's the deal. Although your boob-tastic relationship with the concept of "taste" seems to have taken a tumultuous turn, we must congratulate you on your soon-to-be-canceled reality series "Pamela Anderson: Girl on the Loose." But Pammy. Pammy, Pammy, Pammy. You may very well be "on the loose" (a notion we find disquieting). But the sun set on your girlhood about the time Bonnie Franklin was slapping Mackenzie Phillips' acne-ravaged face and Flo's grits were still kissable. We might suggest tweaking the title thus: "Pamela Anderson: Superannuated Silicone Blimp on the Loose" or "Pamela Anderson: Stop Talking To My Eyes, Buster...My Boobs Are Down There" or perhaps "Pamela Anderson: Tranny Granny with the Face-lifted Fanny." We'd Tivo the hell out of any of those.

Come on, don't pout. You're still a state-of-the-art fellatrix, with millions of video tapes sold to prove it. You remain the only actress in television history to portray a lifeguard AND a life raft in the same series. The fact that you did the hippity-dippity with Kid Rock's nasty stuff proves you're a profoundly philanthropic charity-humptress. These are proud accomplishments. But when a gal reaches a certain age, perhaps she should stop applying makeup with a trowel and have the friendly folks at Goodyear siphon a gallon or twenty from the twins. That whole "if I slather on three pounds of lipstick and stray a quarter inch beyond my lipular zone, I'll totally look, like, super lippier" thing is the lap-dancer's version of Donald Trump's comb-over. It's not effective. It's only appropriate if you're a pole-dancer or married to a televangelist, or both. We can see what you look like under your warpaint, and it makes us wonder whatever happened to Ed Asner. 

You make The Lady Bunny look like Maria von Trapp.

You look like (pick one):

1. Edward G. Robinson all tarted up as Zsa-zsa in the all-kabuki production of "La Cage Aux Folles."
2. The seismic read-out from the Sichuan earthquake has eerily appeared on your forehead.
3. A production still from "Shall We Gather at the Maybelline River: The Tammy Faye Chronicles."
4. Your makeup person moonlights at Ringling Brothers.
5. You're packing a foot-long kielbasa in your wonder woman underoos.
6. Dolly Parton's grandmother.
7. You've been possessed by a scary voo-doo doll, much in the same way Karen Black was possessed by a scary voo-doo doll in that movie in which Karen Black was possessed by a scary voo-doo doll.
8. Bloody hell.

xox
WAM

Pammy sez: "A subscription to the COWA feed is the secret to eternal youth."

Visit us on Humor-Blogs and give us a vote, love.

Comments

[Margaret (Nanny Goats)]

There is a little Tammy Faye thing starting to happen there.

"profoundly philanthropic charity-humptress" was a literary mouthful.

:)

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy Margaret...we guess we've hated on pammy pretty harshly here. we have a soft spot in our heart for cheap looking bimbeaux (we love dolly). But dayum. She really needs to lower the volume back down to eleven.

xox
WAM

[JWB3]

Have I told you lately how funny you are? People should pay for this!!!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Why thank you, JWB cubed...we have to agree. Someone should pay us vast amounts of cash for the mirth we so selflessly scatter hither and yon.

Go spread joy.

xox
WAM

[leigh]

i love pammy so i never thought i'd say this but girl is looking old and tranny. time to find a new look.

and what a coinkidink that you mentioned mackinzie phillips! she's up to her old tricks. i think she could use your help too.

XOXOXO

[Whup-Ass Master]

LEIGH! To what do we owe the honor of your gorgeous presence? Agreed, our girl Pammy is looking like a haggard tranny the morning after wigstock. RE: Mackenzie...WE KNOW!! Bitch tried to sashay past airport security with a kilo of horse up her tuchus! Anne Romano needs to ground that little ho.

xox
WAM

[Jack Harrison]

Being a little harsh here, don't you think? I mean, I consider myself to be more iconoclastic than the average person, but to attack someone for aging is like attacking someone for something that is natural.....like being gay.

[leigh]

i know i've been neglecting you. i've been a very bad girl and i'm sorry.

please write something about mackenzie. and please fix your feed! i can't vote for you if you don't!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Howdy Jack...a few points:
1) This is not an attack, these are jokes, folks!
2) It's the fact that she tarts herself up like an ancient tranny and goes around calling herself a "girl," in other words her refusal to age gracefully that we're having fun with, not her age...we're just a few years younger than her but we put our disco muscle shirts away years ago
3) Wow, you sure pulled the gay card out quickly...but if you write a post making fun of our gay-osity (and it's FUNNY), we will laugh louder than anyone
4) We love Pammy. Her lack of taste is endearing
5) This is called tough love...it's like when we call you a bonehead

xox
WAM

[Whup-Ass Master]

LEIGH...I've done all I can re: the feed on H-B. My feed works on other sites. I think I've bothered Diesel about it one too many times...he's ignoring me now.

xox
WAM

[Jack Harrison]

Leigh, you wrote:

Howdy Jack...a few points:
1) This is not an attack, these are jokes, folks!
Reply:
I see, so this is all a satire? A parody?
Hmmm, I take it that you are another Jonathan Swift then?

2) It's the fact that she tarts herself up like an ancient tranny and goes around calling herself a "girl," in other words her refusal to age gracefully that we're having fun with, not her age...we're just a few years younger than her but we put our disco muscle shirts away years ago
Reply:
There I agree with you. However, the refusal for people, Queens and Non-Queens alike, to age gracefully is nothing new. It's funny that you are making fun of this vane behavior after you placed your disco muscle shirts away.

3) Wow, you sure pulled the gay card out quickly...but if you write a post making fun of our gay-osity (and it's FUNNY), we will laugh louder than anyone
Reply:
Perhaps some of you would, perhaps others would scream: "Homophobic asshole!"

4) We love Pammy. Her lack of taste is endearing
Reply:
If you love her for her lack of taste, well, that speaks volumes, doesn't it?

5) This is called tough love...it's like when we call you a bonehead
Reply:
LOL!!!
Tough love?
Yeah, as tough as my toenails!!!

LMAO!!!!!

[Whup-Ass Master]

Hi Jack...

1) Leigh (of www.leighonline.com) did not write that comment. We did. Try to keep up.
2) We're not making fun of anyone's "vane" [sic] behavior, merely that Pammy is looking a bit like Ernest Borgnine in a Mamie van Doren look-alike contest.
3) Yes, we proudly admire unashamed lack of taste (Tammy Faye, John Waters, Dolly Parton, Divine, and yes, Pammy...they all have a place in our heart). Yes that does speak volumes about us. And your mispelled, angry comments speak volumes about you.
4) People don't call you homophobic for making jokes. They call you homophobic when you're homophobic. Does that shoe fit?
5) We're not sure we get your "tough as my toenails" joke, but it must be hilarious. We know this because of your "LMAO" that you tacked on so wittily at the end.
6) Keep coming back, Jack...all are welcome here.

xox
WAM

[Jack Harrison]

You wrote:

"Yes that does speak volumes about us. And your mispelled, angry comments speak volumes about you."

I guess your lack of a comma says a few things about yourself.

Angry? Nope, just critical.

Bye.

[Whup-Ass Master]

Oh, good grief. NEXT!

[Psychocat]

Pay no attention to the asshat behind the curtain....the rest of us love ya! And yes, she does look like she's been getting her makeup done at the Ringling Brothers School of Cosmetics...

=^..^=

[Whup-Ass Master]

Psychocat! Howdy! Mister Harrison, bitter curmudgeon that he is, is welcome to return as often as he likes and even leave bellicose, critical comments. We can take it; we rather enjoy it actually. Pammy's got our love but girlfriend needs to stay in the lines when slathering on her maybelline. This ain't Picasso.

xox
WAM