Eavesdropper: Pickles in Afghanistan

KABUL -- Yesterday, Laura "Pickles" Bush went to Afghanistan. Upon arrival at an outpost run by New Zealand's military, she was greeted by an alarming spectacle known as the native NZ "welcome" dance. Luckily, standing just out of frame, one of our ruthless covert operatives wore a wire under his burka and was able to record the following exchange for your general amusement. Again, you're welcome.

LAURA BUSH: Who's this naked negro man?
NZ SOLDIER: He's a Maori soldier, he's going to perform the traditional Maori welcome dance.
LB: He's real?
NZS: Yes, ma'am.
LB: Sometimes after my third xanatini I see naked negro men dancing in the Rose Garden.
NZS: He's not a negro, he's Maori.
LB: That's what they all say! And Tiger Woods is Japanese! Ha!
NZS: Yes, ma'am.
LB: He's funny! He's got a ferret in his pants!
AFGHANI WOMAN: No, praise Allah! That's his savage yogurt-spitting pants viper! LALALALALALALALALALA!!!
LB: Shhh! I have a headache!
AW: Sorry...
LB: Oh! Does he know "Swanee River?"
NZS: No, ma'am.
LB: How about "Them Ol' Cotton Fields Back Home?"
NZS: No.
LB: "Jimmy Crack Corn?"
NZS: No.
LB: "Mammy?"
NZS: No, ma'am. Sorry.
LB: Well what kind of negro is he?
NZS: He's Maori.
LB: His jumpy jumpy dance is making me giddy. Is he magic?
AW: No, but he can make his angry underoo serpent disappear, praise Allah! LALALALALALALALALA!!!
LB: I don't like that yelly lady. Shoot her.
NZS: I can't, ma'am.
LB: How long do I have to pretend to enjoy this? I'm tired. I need a ciggy. Last night after my seventh rum and Dr. Pepper I chased a unicorn through a poppy field!
NZS: Just a few more minutes, ma'am.
LB: I passed out and slept in this Dress Barn Chairman Mao pants suit and now it's all wrinkly. I need a nap.
NZS: It's almost over.
LB: You have a funny accent. Are you from space?
NZS: No, ma'am.