Can O' Whup-Ass: Bend Over, Pole Smokers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue!!

NEW YORK -- Fresh after lobbing the f-bomb (the one that rhymes with "truck," not "maggot") on live television—thereby scarring the delicate psyche of her New York audience and endangering her illustrious, booze-fueled career—butch anchornegress Sue Simmons took lemons and made some g*ddamned lemonade.

Since launching her niche-targeted specialty news magazine, the raunchy teleprompter reader has gained a small but rabidly loyal audience, all of whom think a "V-Chip" is an IUD. Here at COWA, we are proud once again to bring you an exclusive peek at the most recent telecast of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. As always, you're welcome in advance.

Wilkommen, pud-wankers! My name is Sue "muff-stuffin sphincter b*tch" Simmons, and this is the *ss-banging news:

Those g*ddamned Bible boning goat f*ckers at The Westboro Baptist Church (the *ss-spelunking sh*twads who picket the c*cksucking funerals of dead f*cking soldiers) have announced they're going to load every fat-*ss tw*t in their inbred Jesus-humping family of retarded hillbilly f*ggots onto a g*ddamned bus so they can protest the d*ck-smoking memorial of that butt-f*cker George Carlin. They claim Mr. Carlin is currently being *ss-raped by beelzebub for his g*ddamned potty mouth.
Oxycontin-addicted fat-*ss and Republican sp*rm-gargler Rush Limbaugh opened his c*ck-throating lard-hole to opine that fetus-f*cking Democrats enjoy "bending over and grabbing their ankles" for voters of the nappy-headed pick-a-ninny spear-chucking variety, and for b*tt-humping d*ck-banging f*ggots. Mr. Limbaugh, neocon c*m-dumpster and blubber-choked hophead, has used this g*ddamned anal analogy before, when in 2005 he accused baby-boning fart-felching RNC Chairman Ken "suck-me-til-I-ooze" Mehlman of "bending over and grabbing his ankles" when he offered an *ss-licking apology to the NAACP. It has become rather g*ddamned apparent that Rush "is-it-in-yet?" Limbaugh's sweaty mant*ts start lactating at the c*ck-smoking thought of dropping his sh*t-stained Dockers and getting plowed up the poo-chute by a size f*cking ten jizz-spewing negro trouser pony.
Creepy g*ddamned midget Vern Troyer (aka "mini-f*cking-me") has released a nasty-*ss barf-inducing f*ck flick wherein his skanky c*nt-fisting ex uses the hideous g*ddamned oompa-loompa in much the same way that Buddhist f*ggot Richard "The Dalai-Lama-f*cked-me-in-the-*ss-and-all-I-got-was-this-g*ddamned-t-shirt" Gere used a sh*t stained gerbil back in the g*ddamned day.
Widely adored fat-*ss and wealthy g*ddamned m*ff-fisting negress Oprah "sniff-me-where-I-poo" Winfrey grossed the f*ck out of everyone at Mandela's *ss-raping birthday party when she took off her stank-*ss shoes and pranced her fat f*cking *ss around barefoot. Cow-felching celebrities lost their g*ddamned $5,000 dinners at the butt-boning sight of Oprah's m*therfucking bunions, which where bigger than c*cksucking rhino scroti.
D*ck smoking f*ggots and crack smoking g*ddamned celebrities creamed their f*cking jeans in Milan recently, when the Fashion World's top *ss-banging designers took a break from giving rusty f*cking trombones to anorexic heroin addicts to unveil their ugly-*ss men's 2009 summer collections. Alexander "finger-bang-my-butthole" McQueen showed the kind of "f*ck-me-in-the-*ss" silhouettes that appeal primarily to fart-felching Fire Island sphinter-f*ckers. Meanwhile, the "fist-me-til-I-fart" Prada show was all about a bunch of g*ddamned fairies mincing about dressed as nut-gargling *ss-bangers. Versace's line seemed aimed not only at discerning jizz-guzzling butt-lickers, but also sh*t-packing jetset c*ck-sitters.

We pause now for a c*nt-fisting word from our *ss-boning sponsor, Depends. Depends: for the wrinkle-*ss pants-pooping grandma on the g*ddamned go. Keep your butt-licking *sses parked, m*therf*ckers. We'll be right the f*ck back.