Yo, F*ck-wads! It's Time Again for the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- A while back, Tourettes-afflicted anchornegress Sue Simmons, having lobbed the "F" word at her deeply traumatized audience of prim New Yorkers, seemed to have experienced an irreparable career implosion. However, in a daring career move, the once-adored closeted lesbian launched a demographically targeted news broadcast that best suited her talents as a teleprompter reader.

The results were spectacular.

Therefore, due to popular demand, we proudly present another edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue Simmons. No need to thank us:

Good evening, *ss-lickers. I'm Sue m*ther-f*cking Simmons, and this is the g*ddamned news.

• Today, Naomi c*nt-face Campbell was charged at g*ddamned airport court for slapping the m*therf*cking sh*t out of two f*ggoty cops. The f*cking altercation arose in April when some d*ke stewardess told Ms. f*ck-me-in-the-*ss Campbell that her c*cksucking luggage hadn't made it onto the g*ddamned plane. The *ss-felching, fire breathing c*nt threw a f*cking sh*t fit and had her tw*t thrown off the *ss-f*cking aircraft by her b*tch-*ss pubes. The statuesque c*nt-muncher faces a possible six months in m*therf*cking prison, where her new-found mopping skills just might help a tw*t avoid getting fisted up her sh*tty *ss by a lesbo d*ke cellmate.
• The g*ddamned ch*nks in China got sand up their horizontal c*nts because of another horizontal c*nt by the name of Sharon p*ss-up-my-poo-hole Stone. Ms. look-at-my-ancient-tw*t Stone had opined that the *ss-licking earthquake that buried more c*cksucking ch*nk babies than Chairman needle-c*ck Mao, was karmic m*therf*cking payback for smacking around the g*ddamned f*ggot-*ss Tibetan monks like a bunch of c*nt-licking three dollar whores who "no like sucky." The ch*nk-*ss Chinese Government has reacted by banning Ms. saggy-tw*t Stone's films, adding m*therf*cking insult to g*ddamned injury by depriving the *sshole ch*nks the butt-f*cking pleasures of "Basic F*ggoty Instinct 2."
• Today at the d*ck-smoking corporate headquarters of Bear lick-me-where-I-sh*t Stearns, a fat-*ss f*ggoty c*nt by the name of James "oops-I-just-f*cked-15,000-employees-up-the-butt" Cayne, erstwhile chairman and current douchebag, said "I'm sorry." Then he gave the m*therf*cking keys to J f*cking P f*cking Morgan f*cking Chase. Cayne, a tw*t banging troll, has grown to look a lot like Rumple-f*cking-stilskin, except instead of spinning g*ddamned straw into m*therf*cking gold, the withered old c*cksucker discovered a g*ddamned way to reverse the f*cking process.
• All the g*ddamned stars in the m*therf*cking heavens were out in full c*nt-chomping glory at Radio Sh*tty Music Hall the other g*ddamned night for the fart-felching premier of "Sex in the screw-me-where-I-poo City." Cynthia "D*ke-puncher" Nixon, Kim "Cum-Gargler" Cattral, Kristin "Please-punch-me-in-the-face-until-I'm-f*cking-dead" Davis, and Sarah *ssica C*ntica Tw*tica Puker were all on hand to celebrate the *ss-humping feel-good movie of the g*ddamned year, the flick that teaches our little *ss-licking girls how to dress like c*cksucking whores and f*ck every man with a g*ddamned penis crammed in his sh*t stained GI Joe underoos.

We'll be back in a g*ddamned minute after this cl*t-sucking word from FLOMAX. The g*ddamned pill for the m*therf*cking f*ggot who's too g*ddamned old to pee. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, c*cksuckers.