This Week in Poop Part 15: Fiddler on the Poop

• JURASSIC POOP: At a recent auction in New York, a chunk of dinosaur plop sold for $960. In a related story, John McCain's campaign finance people have asked the superannuated wife-honorer to stop flushing his Geritol-enriched loafs.
• POOP THE FRIENDLY SKIES: Gokhan Mutlu is suing JetBlue. Why? Because the pilot, in a scene that recalls Bogie's "strawberries" scene in "The Caine Mutiny," informed the oddly-named air traveler that a stewardess wanted to sit in his seat, so he'd have to ride the toilet from San Diego to JFK. When Mutlu objected, the pilot threw a diva-riffic "I'm the boss of this plane and you have to do what I say" tantrum, so Gokhan had to go to the can for the remainder of the flight. Unfortch, as we know, most toilets don't come equipped with seatbelts (although Tammy Lewis in the following story might have found such an innovation useful). So when the plane hit some turbulence, poor Mr. Mutlu was shaken about in the flying outhouse like beans in a maraca. The upside? In addition to his lucrative lawsuit payday, Mutlu (covered head to toe in that odd toxic airplane toilet water) now enjoys the honorary title of "Mr. JetBlue."
• GONNA BE IN THERE MUCH LONGER, GAM-GAM? Here's a bedtime story for the kiddies: Once upon a time (March 4, to be exact), in the dazzling kingdom of Necedah WI, whilst Tammy Lewis was in the loo helping grandma into her depends, the old bird started acting all dead-ish. Tammy, concerned with her mother's dignity, propped the dirt-bound oldster on the can and consulted her spiritual mentor (one "Bishop Bushey"), who told her to leave dead granny on the toilet, cause Jesus was gonna make her less dead and stuff. Fast forward to May 10: Gam-gam still stubbornly continuing her tiresome "dead-lady" act, rudely decomposing and stinking up the loo. Evench, a sheriffs deputy happened upon the wacky Lewis household and decided that Tammy's children might benefit from not living with gam-gam's corpse. P.S. We particularly appreciate the fact that we found this morsel in the "Family" section of an Orlando news site.
• THE POTTY BUDDIES OF NORTH CAROLINA: In an effort to combat the problem of rude grade schoolers scrawling things like "Miss Blodgept is a poop eater" in their school bathrooms, the principal of Malpass Corner Elementary has issued the following edict: students may no longer poop alone. Instead, they must drop their kids off at the pool in pairs or as a class. As a class?? One hardly suspects rounding up the kiddies for en masse synchronized poop time will promote good behavior. Be that as it may, we suppose we shouldn't be surprised. North Carolina, after all, is a notoriously Republican state. And we know by now how much the Godly GOP likes group scenes in public restrooms. Best condition our future wife-honorers at an early age how to appreciate the time-honored Christian tradition of the wide-stanced cripple stall buddy system.
• THE KOSHER POOP RIVERS OF PALESTINE: Sixty years ago, the founders of Israel decided to create a state devoted to Jewish custom, thus ending the mistreatment of a sorely oppressed people. So they bulldozed the homes of Palestine and shipped their previous owners to concentration refugee camps. Since then, the Palestinians have been generally irritable, rudely throwing rocks at tanks and wearing explode-y strap-ons on cross-town buses. In fact, when Palestinians were graciously allowed to vote on their own leadership, and Israel didn't care for the result, Israel reacted by (among other things) blocking shipment of much needed infrastructure supplies to Gaza, resulting in overtaxed septic systems and consequentially the occasional deadly poop tsunami. Meanwhile, over in the West Bank (aka where Jesus was born), there are dozens of walled Jewish settlements scattered hither and yon. Unfortch, these settlements couldn't be bothered with creating proper sewers, so they simply pipe their poop into the surrounding Palestinian country side. Here's the deal: while we can't claim to understand the mysteries of Jewish custom, Israel gets props for being one of the few places in the Middle East where gays can exist (and a pervy lot the Israeli gays are, btw) without the authorities acting all hang-y, and women can drive cars without fear of being stoned to death. Howev, one doubts that its policy of flooding the farms surrounding Bethlehem with Kosher Jew poo is the best olive branch to extend for a meaningful truce, nor does it support the assertion that Israel is the rightful caretaker of The Holy Land. We're just sayin.