Hey, M*******ckers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue!

NEW YORK -- When Tourettes-afflicted news reader Sue Simmons recently dropped the F-bomb during a live broadcast, she unwittingly stumbled upon a heretofore untapped niche: potty mouth journalism. Although she has since performed her "oops, I'm sorry" tapdance, plans are currently underway for the veteran anchor negress to host her own, highly-targeted newscast: The @#!&% News Roundup.

As one might guess, our network of morally-bereft spies was able to smuggle the teleprompter copy for your general amusement. You're welcome.

Good evening, m*therf*ckers. I'm Sue Simmons. Here's the g*dd*mned news:

• A fat-*ss f*ckwad in Florida by the sh*tty name of Bob Hezzelwood was given a g*d d*mned ticket for wearing a c*cksucking speedo on the f*cking beach. Although a cow-f*cking *ss-licking judge threw the c*nt banging case out, Mr. Hezzelwood has filed an *ss-humping tw*t-licking lawsuit against the butt-f*cker who arrested him, violating his g*d-d*mned right to make other beach goers puke their m*therf*cking guts out at the sight of his nasty-*ss c*ck crammed into his f*ggoty banana hammock.
• In the f*ggot-*ss nation of Great f*cking Britain, an *ss-licking retard by the b*tch-*ss name of Dougal Thorn has been arrested on c*ck-sucking charges of animal f*cking cruelty. It seems the bloody-*ss d*ck smoker got p*ssed off at his c*nt-spelunking d*ke neighbor's kitty cat. So he punched the g*d-d*mned sh*t-eating homo kitty cat in the m*ther-f*cking head and tossed it in the c*cksucking river. He got his tw*t in a knot cause the *ss-hole cat "looked pleased" when it knocked over a c*nt-fisting vase. His neighbor, a m*ther-f*cking whore named Sarah Booker, should stop her g*d-d*mned b*tching and clear the sand from her c*nt, as it's been a tw*t-banging coon's age since she had her m*therf*cking p*ssy punched.
• The g*d-d*mned *ss-hole Tony Nominations have been announced. Leading the m*therf*cking pack is "In the Heights," a c*cksucking musical about a bunch of *ss-f*cking sp*cs singing and dancing like a bunch of g*d-d*mned f*ggots. "The Little f*cking Mermaid," Disney's g*d-d*mned musical about a b*tch-*ss girl doesn't have a tw*t cause she's m*therf*cking fish, was largely snubbed. Patty d*ck-sucking Lupone was nominated for best c*nt-licking actress for her work in the f*ck-me-in-the-*ss revival of "Gypsy". Nominees for best *ss-licking revival included "South f*cking Pacific," "Sunday in the g*d-d*mned Park with f*ggot-*ss George" and "Mac-f*cking-Beth."

We pause now for a f*cking word from our *ss-licking g*d-d*mned sponsors. So keep your c*nty-*ss butts planted in your c*cksucking f*ggoty couch, and we'll be right the f*ck back, m*therf*ckers.