So. Let's wiggle out of our boob-flattening turtleneck swim midriff (?) and whip up a batch of frozen pomegranate daiquiries, what do you say? Sit here. Wait, let's put down a towel first.
We don't know where to start. First, of course, we suppose we should tell you Amanda Woodward rocked. We loved it when Kimberly killed her with a bomb but not really and you emerged from the rubble with perfect hair and freshly applied lip gloss. You're a gorgeous bitch, and we're rather certain you're hilarious after several shots of Jager. Yet we were worried for your sanity when you dated Scott Baio, Tom Cruise and David Spade (hereinafter referred to collectively as The Lollipop Guild). We were further addled when your shrink called the cops on you cause you threatened to kill yourself (we're guessing you just recovered suppressed memories of dating The Lollipop Guild).
But here's the deal. Celebs occasionally get papped in horrifically unflattering candid shots (see: Shriver, Maria), and sometimes a bitch gets cornered by a shutterbug sans face paint, with nightmarish results (see: Ross, Diana). But Heather. Heather, Heather, Heather. You're POSING for this shot.
You look like (pick one):
- Jocelyn Wildenstein's half-formed "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" pod doppelgänger
- You've just taken the Nestea Plunge, and there was entirely too much lemon in the pool
- Harry Potter's Rupert Grint (aka Ron Weasley) in a Lifetime movie called "Brunhilde Glop: Portrait of a Blind Transsexual Surfermole"
- The twin sister of the banjo player from Deliverance posing for a Rita Hayworth-style WWII pin-up
- Miss August in the "Sexy Down's Syndrome Mamas" promotional calendar
- The centerfold in Albino Burn Victims Quarterly
- The Austrian basement lady; who, shortly after catching her first glimpse of the sun, has been ingeniously stunt-cast as the Annette Funicello role in the eagerly-anticipated remake of "Bikini Beach"
- Bloody hell.
XOX
WAM
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