This Week in Poop Part 14: Chariots of Poop

• MUNCHAUSEN BY POOPSIE: Munchausen-by-proxy is a psychological disorder, whereby someone (typically a mother) craves attention so they make their little poopsie-kins sick (at last, light is shed on Britney's habitual "drop my toddlers on their noggins" gambit). In one recent case, a woman in the enchanted kingdom of Australia (where dingos chow on infants like Alpo) supposed she might get some sympathy if she injected some poop into her profoundly unfortunate baby. When the child got gravely ill, doctors found a syringe o' sewage in the woman's handbag. Confronted, this candidate for Mother of the Year asserted that beelzebub made her do it. She has since taken up residence in a generously upholstered suite at the local nut bin. If she returns to a state of mental equanimity, one suspects she's doomed to lose every argument she ever has with the issue of her retarded uterus. Even the simplest spat is likely to end thus: "yeah, well...you shot poop into my veins; take the trash out yourself, hag."
• THE POOP ZAPPERS OF UTAH: In a spectacular act of guerilla conceptual art, three teens from Utah (the state that gave the world Rosanne Barr, The Mountain Meadows Massacre, and Donny Osmond) decided to enter a convenience store, plop a one-gallon baggie of human poop in the microwave, set the timer for ten minutes, and make their exit. The baggie exploded, the microwave ruined, and that particular Seven-Eleven temporarily became a rather unpleasant place to purchase slim-jims and big-gulps. We applaud this audacious artistic statement, which we interpret as a scathingly brilliant reaction to the sterility of chain-store-and-strip-mall suburbia.   
• DAYUM, HO! WHATCHOO BEEN EATIN?  A late entry into the "Mother of the Year" contest has entered the ring. Meet Ritsuko Taniguchi, a Japanese broad who squeezed a baby into the toilet and, in a spasm of maternal affection, tried to flush. Unfortch, her baby was a floater, and ended up clogging the poor woman's commode. Distraught by her inconvenient plumbing malfunction, she wiggled into her Hello Kitty kimono and rang for an expert who met Ms. Taniguchi's claim that the clog was a baby doll with skepticism (a lucky strike; the toilet blockage could easily have been mistaken for Hasbro's recent sensation "Baby Bloo-lips"). Ritsuko is currently performing in live-action re-enactments of girl-on-girl yuri hentai 'toons with Oki Fanoki, convicted star of the underworld cult of lesbian Sumo wrestling.
• THE GREAT G.O.P. POOP DRIVE: Tom Cole, recently-annointed chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee, is tasked with the responsibility of asking for donations from our great nation's elephant/Jesus party. Eager to return even a small fraction of what our dear leader has been shoveling down our gullets for the last 7 years, one respondant pinched a loaf into the post-paid response envelope and sent it back to Congressman Cole. The Republicans immediately deposited the envelope's contents into their piggy bank, as the donation's worth surpasses the value of the dollar, long since flushed down the crapper by Bushonomics.
• SAY IT WITH POOP: Had it up to here with your uppity in-laws? Are there no words in the English language to adequately express how you feel about your ex boss? What can one give to the man who has everything (and makes a point of reminding you of the fact on a daily basis)? Enter Poopsenders, an ingenious new service that offers a menu of poo-quets one can order sent in complete anonymity to someone who truly has it coming. For inst, say you've had your fill of Sally Kern's hateful rhetoric. Thirty-two bucks will deliver a one-gallon package of elephant plop to her address at 2300 N. Lincoln Blvd/Rm 332, Oklahoma City, OK 73105. Or suppose you've grown weary of the Ken Hutcherson's endless stream of anti-gay bigotry? A quart of gorilla loaf can be mailed for about 25 clams to the Right Reverend's attention at the Antioch Bible Church, 15135 NE 92nd St./Suite 240, Redmond WA  98052. Curse you, Poopsenders! We should have thought of this first!