Christmas Tips with Ann Coulter

PALM BEACH -- Greetings, perfected Jews (aka Christians)! It does my black bile-choked heart good to welcome you to my humble abode. It's Christmas! Time to celebrate the birth of the man whose life has given us a perfect rationale for killing and oppressing brown (and off-white) folks worldwide. Because when the Bible says (in John 3:17)  "For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world" what it really means is we should nuke North Korea.

As I've said repeatedly, one of the reasons I love the holiday season is that when I say 'Merry Christmas' I'm really saying "f*ck you." I would also add that the opposite is true. With that in mind, since Bill O'Reilly isn't here to push my bony knees behind my ears while he Christmases me up the pooper, I would like to invite you to sit by my Yuletide fire, toss back an egg-nog or five, and share a few of my secrets for ensuring the merriest of 'f*ck yous.'

1. As you know, even though I almost got away with committing voter fraud by accidentally fibbing that I lived in a less affluent (i.e., Democrat) precinct, I prefer spending the holidays here in Palm Beach. Unfortunately, while the neighbors and I live in perfect harmony, many of them are unperfected Jews. Meaning, of course, they're Jewish. Always remember that Hanukkah is, in essence, a holiday about conserving oil. To that end, it is patently Anti-American. While I'm mildly irked by the thought of shrill little jewlets incessantly spinning their Jesus-denying dreidels, these bad feelings abate when I show my Christian goodwill by mailing them all a lovely Hanukkah ham. 
2. Since the town of Bethlehem is currently in Palestinian territory, I like to erect a life-sized nativity scene on my front lawn that includes bombs strapped to the chests of the three wise men and shows the little drummer boy throwing a rock at Mary. I also add a personal flourish by wrapping the Christ Child in the Stars and Stripes. This year I hope to editorialize further by depicting Joseph's anal cavity being probed at gunpoint as he's strip searched by Israeli guards. This underscores the fact that if Joseph and Mary weren't donkey-riding freeloaders (i.e., Democrats), not only would there have been room at the inn, but Mary would have squeezed out our savior in the presidential suite.
3. I like to film my own endings to holiday classics so they reflect decent Republican values. For instance my version of "It's a Wonderful Life" now ends with Jimmy Stewart being brought before the House Un-American Activities Committee and subsequently imprisoned for espousing collectivism and aiding communists. My customized "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" has the citizens of Whoville organizing a pre-emptive strike against the Island of Misfit Toys (aka China).
4. I love to go a-wassailing clad in a tired black cocktail dress with the hemline at my pubes (the one I wear on all the conservative talk shows that demonstrates not only how effectively I've tucked my business, but also the true depth of my sexual despair). So to keep my shame zone warm on those chilly nights, I've taken to filling a trojan with figgy pudding and shoving it up my oopsy-doodle.
5. I've bought a f*ck you ornament for every single soldier blown to bits while protecting my freedom to put Iraqi oil in my car. This year they have totally covered my beautiful f*ck you tree, which extends the full three stories of my foyer. Next year I hope to have added LOTS more ornaments! I might even have to add a second tree! Do I hear three? LOL!!
6. Everytime I remember that Christmas Carolers are in fact trespassing, I thank Jesus I'm a member of the NRA.

That's it! In closing allow me to wish a heartfelt f*ck you to you and your family.

xoxo
Ann