Can O' Whup-Ass

Choc-Tastic Nudie Jesus Easter Show Canceled!

NEW YORK, NY -- Artist Cosimo Cavallaro has caused the Cathy-lick League to fly into a twit because of his sculpture called "My Sweet Lord," a six-foot chocolate sculpture of J-Naz (his street tag). The sculpture is set to go on display Monday at the Lab Gallery in Manhattan, where it will remain through Easter. Although seeing the Son-o-God cast in Hershey hints at the unpleasant notion of a negro messiah, what's really irking the Mary-worshiping crowd is the fact that the tacky sculpture is anatomically correct and not only suggests that Our Lord had a schlong, but makes the rude assertion that it was brown and party-sized. When, within earshot, an unsaved heathen wondered aloud whether or not the holy choco-riffic tube steak is cream-filled, Cathy-lick League Director Bill Donohue fainted and peed his pants.

UPDATE: The Cathy-licks were successful in their efforts to make the scary Choco-Christ go away; The Roger Smith Hotel (which houses the Lab Gallery) has canceled the show. Those who consider the Cathy-licks ill-suited to be arbiters of taste and high art may feel free to express their outrage by calling the Roger Smith Hotel: 212.755.1400 or 800.445.0277

RELATED: Those men in dresses at the Vatican (clubhouse of the world's most prolific boy-humpers) have warned lawmakers in Italy not to vote in favor of any law that's the least bit kind to gay folk. Cause it would, like, be immoral.

Breaking: Kelley Garrett Weds a Hilton, Channels Dick Cheney, Goes on Bender!

STRATFORD, CT -- Things have gotten interesting in this sleepy hamlet since erstwhile angel and current has-been Jaclyn Smith (aka Kelly Garrett), in a hush-hush ceremony involving scented candles, menstrual huts and moon-chants to Gaya, got married to Nicky Hilton. Immediately afterward she pulled an "Anne Heche" and snapped her cap, when her spirit took possession of Stratford resident John Spernak's body. Events came to a head on Monday, when she forced the 42-year-old man to lead area police on a hair-raising pursuit which ended in an ugly scene involving stun guns and soiled fruit-of-the-looms.

Don't ask us how, but we knew Dick Cheney must be at the bottom of this.

Incest is Blessed: The Evangelical Daddy/Girl Sock-Hop

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO -- In Colorado, the nation's third most retarded state (after Alabama and Utah), the evangelical set has come up with a way for daddies to keep their little girls all chaste and stuff. They marry them.

At a recent "chastity ball" held at the dazzling Broadmoor Hotel in gorgeous downtown Colorado Springs (home to Ted Haggard, the Air Force Academy and NORAD, among other terrifying things), each daddy and his girl march down an aisle, whereupon the daddy slips a ring on his daughter's trembling nubile finger as a reminder that if she doesn't keep her hymen intact daddy won't love her anymore. Then girly-girl puts a bracelet on her big daddy-man, reminding him if he doesn't keep it in his pants she'll become a pole dancer in Tuscaloosa. Ugh. These people are gross. Giuliani would feel right at home here.

RELATED: Colorado Springs-based Grace Church (the state's largest Episcopal parish) left the denomination recently in protest over its decision to ordain gay bishop Gene Robinson. Instead, they will join the Anglican Church of Nigeria. Because Nigeria, aside from other widespread human rights abuses, is really into the incestual/sexual abuse of young girls; which seems to be precisely what the Christians of Colorado Springs are all about.

And yet Colorado Springs is the whitest town on earth (trust us, we grew up in Colorado). If any one of Grace Church's parishoners saw a Nigerian coming their way, they'd cross the street.

Sin City Shocker: Doctor Jacko's Diabolical Plan Takes Shape!

LAS VEGAS -- Michael Jackson has apparently moved ahead with plans to unleash a 50-foot tall laser-spurting robotic replica of himself to do the moonwalk in the desert just outside the glamorous gambling mecca. We kid you not.

The city that's home to such classy enterprises as the Liberace Museum, Siegfried and Roy and the dazzling Celine Dione extravaganza suddenly has us doubting the level of its good taste.

The pervy manchild/King of Pop's dastardly plans seemed doomed to failure a few months ago, when an earlier Robojacko prototype had to be quickly dismantled and cut up for scrap after it was discovered doing shameful things with a Bob's Bigboy. The colossal, chubby (and once relentlessly cheerful) underaged burger pusher is currently in a healing phase, being coaxed from a fetal position to point at doll crotches in ongoing therapy sessions.

Talk about fear and loathing.

Hey, Kids! It's the Super-Duper Thai King Deface-O-Matic!

CHIANG MAI, Thailand -- Early last December, Oliver Rudolf Jufer (a 57-year-old Swiss man living in Thailand) had a few too many and went on a bender, spray-painting posters of Thailand's retarded King Bhumibol Adulyadej. Oops. In Thailand, insulting the monarchy can get you 75 years in prison. So I guess good ol' Ollie Jufer was lucky to be sentenced to 10 years instead.

This irks us. We believe that defacing posters of world leaders is nothing if not a gleeful celebration of democracy. In fact, I challenge anyone on earth, should they find themselves with a sharpie in-hand, in the company of a Dubya poster, not to deface it to filth; and that includes Laura "Pickles" Bush (poor thing).

So here's the deal: click here for an undefaced image of good ol' King Bhumi. Get all Photoshoppy on his ass (see our retarded effort at right).

Then e-mail the image to:

The Thai Department of Protocol ([email protected])
The Thai Department of Treaties and Legal Affairs ([email protected])
The Thai Department of American Affairs ([email protected])
The Mission of Thailand at the U.N. ([email protected])

What fun we shall have!

Cheers, bitches!
WAM

A Very Brady Stabbing Death

WEST YORKSHIRE, UK -- When Lucy Winters invited Marcia Brady (instead of Jan) to her birthday party, Jan snapped her cap and pranced about in a black afro wig. And when Jan had a crush on Clark Tyson but Clark Tyson fell for Marcia, Jan rubbed lemon all over her skin to make her freckles go away and made up a fake boyfriend named George Glass. Jan was pathetic and clearly demented. She probably heard voices.

However, luckily for Marcia, Jan didn't get the same idea as this girl, whose uppity older sister played her last nerve so bad she had to go cut a bitch.

The whole show would have started on a downer every week thereafter...that black upper left-hand square during the opening theme song echoing the dark void in alcoholic mom Carol's embittered womb.

Cane Toads: The Wal-Mart of the Animal Kingdom

In the 1930's, Australia's sugar cane crops were being threatened by beetles. So they introduced cane toads from Hawaii, who promptly ate virtually everything but the beetles. Cane toads are highly toxic and are causing the extinction of indigenous species at an alarming rate. They take 12 months to mature, and the female lays 8,000 to 10,000 eggs at a pop. Nasty creatures are now taking over the island continent at a rate of 62 square miles per year and even the Australian Army has been brought in to help. They are also growing in size; a football-sized specimen was recently caught in Queensland.

RELATED: Next year, Wal-Mart plans to open:
484 new stores in the US
29 new stores in Canada
14 new stores in Costa Rica
30 new stores in China
Etc, etc, etc...

 

New Adventures in Birth Control

AL-BUMFUCT, Egypt -- When a woman was searched at the border between Egypt and Gaza, it was discovered that she carried several Egyptian crocodiles under her dress. The security guard (who promptly pooped his pants when the suspect lifted her skirt to reveal several scaley snapping jaws) is still having nightmares and has taken to sleeping on the couch, to the immense relief of his beleagered wife.

Likewise, in an effort to combat the growing problem of rape in South Africa, a fiendishly clever (and thoroughly sadistic) inventor has fashioned a rape deterrant that fits snuggly up a gal's hoo-ha. If any unwanted poking activity occurs, the toothed device snaps down on the intruding wang, thereby affording the plucky gal an opportunity to escape as her would-be assailant screams and clutches his bleeding crotch.

There is a certain poetic justice at work here: the continent that gave the world female genital mutilation is now saddled with womenfolk whose cooter might just bite off your wee donny doblin if you're not polite. Pleasant dreams, my hetero brothers.

Guest Contributor: Björk

HALO! Chirp-chirp-chirp BOING! Lover boy Matthew Barney and I have recently completed another joint project in which I warble in the high-pitched language of the porpoise while he (dressed as a transsexual druid priest named Ploppo) slides face-first down a Vaseline covered slip-n-slide into a vat of green jello and yak eyeballs. That's when we slice open the belly of a whale and out pops a slime-covered Joanne Worley who sings the Oscar Mayer jingle in Esperanto.

I shall skip like an elf now.

LA-LA-LA! Barney boy and Björk pretend we're salmon when we make the sticky icky sex dance. We flop about in a sandbox costumed as frogmen and blow Cool Whip through our snorkels at each other for five hours then he jumps on me and violates my Icelandic fjord. And then we spawn. LOO-LOO-POO-POO-GA!!!

Meow. I now wear a dead animal and call it a ball gown.

Don't talk to me! I am a fish.

dee-dee-da-da-la....

Happy Fun Math Time (or, How to be a "People Person")

Recently, the world got all pissy when Italy swapped five Taliban prisoners for an Italian hostage. The following formula applies:

5 Taliban = 1 Italian

Prior to that, Russia offered to trade four Israeli prisoners for a Yukos oligarch, whom Putin wants to relocate to a Siberian gulag. With that in mind:

4 Israeli prisoners = 1 Russian oligarch

Now: 2,948 died in the 9/11 attacks, and so far 3,228 American soldiers have died in Iraq. The total number of Iraqis and Afghanis killed in the subsequent US-led conflicts is conservatively estimated at 50,000. Therefore:

1 American Adult = 8.1 Middle Eastern Adults

Moving on: EgyptAir paid out a total of $116 million to the families of the 217 Americans who died on flight 990. In contrast, a Texas state senator is trying to get a law passed that would offer women $500 not to have an abortion, payable after she's given birth. Therefore:

1 American Adult = 1,069.12 Unwanted Texas Newborns

Finally: exclusive pics of Angelina Jolie's freshest ethno-tot will sell for $1.75 million. Ergo (in descending value):

1 Photo of Celebrity Ethno-tot = $1,750,000.00
1 American Adult = $534,562.21
1 Italian Adult = $334,101.38
1 Russian Adult = $267,281.06
1 Middle Eastern Adult =  $66,820.28
1 Unwanted Texas Infant = $500

Conclusion: one could trade 3,500 Texas babies (equal to the entire population of Winnsboro, TX) for one snapshot of Pax Jolie-Pitt.

Have a nice day! :-)