COLORADO SPRINGS, CO -- In Colorado, the nation's third most retarded state (after Alabama and Utah), the evangelical set has come up with a way for daddies to keep their little girls all chaste and stuff. They marry them.
At a recent "chastity ball" held at the dazzling Broadmoor Hotel in gorgeous downtown Colorado Springs (home to Ted Haggard, the Air Force Academy and NORAD, among other terrifying things), each daddy and his girl march down an aisle, whereupon the daddy slips a ring on his daughter's trembling nubile finger as a reminder that if she doesn't keep her hymen intact daddy won't love her anymore. Then girly-girl puts a bracelet on her big daddy-man, reminding him if he doesn't keep it in his pants she'll become a pole dancer in Tuscaloosa. Ugh. These people are gross. Giuliani would feel right at home here.
RELATED: Colorado Springs-based Grace Church (the state's largest Episcopal parish) left the denomination recently in protest over its decision to ordain gay bishop Gene Robinson. Instead, they will join the Anglican Church of Nigeria. Because Nigeria, aside from other widespread human rights abuses, is really into the incestual/sexual abuse of young girls; which seems to be precisely what the Christians of Colorado Springs are all about.
And yet Colorado Springs is the whitest town on earth (trust us, we grew up in Colorado). If any one of Grace Church's parishoners saw a Nigerian coming their way, they'd cross the street.
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