Can O' Whup-Ass

Concerned Women of America to U.S. Girls: "Die, Sluts, Die!!"

In a lightning-fast reaction to a study released by the CDC, which shows the prevalence of HPV (the virus that causes cervical cancer), Concerned Women of America has unleashed its brigade of flying monkeys sexually repressed old twats, who flocked before the media to harp against the very idea of a national vaccination policy.

Why? Cause HPV (aka genital warts) is a dirty-bird virus. In its shrill protest, CWA basically calls every girl who'd get the vaccine a little whore. It plays the fear card by reminding the public that Merck (the vaccine's developer) was responsible for Vioxx. It claims the vaccine is unnecessary because (get this) the pap smear eliminated cervical cancer (a deadly, deadly fib). CWA's motto: a dead tart is their favorite kind.

Meanwhile, in the UK, gay men are lining up for the jab. Cause HPV can also cause anal and penile cancers. Mention that to the "concerned women" though, and these twisted old biddies will gasp, slap their hands over their ears and dash out to vacuum their Volvos.

Medved to Fat Chicks, Homos: "No Peeking at My Naughty Bits!"

Michael Medved, our favorite lisping, be-wigged n' mustachioed, gaydar-activating homophobe, wrote a fawning defense of Tim Hardaway the other day. His argument goes something like this: basketball players don't want to share locker rooms with fags for the same reason they don't want to shower with morbidly obese chicks. Cause like, the attraction only goes one way.

And, like, if gays were allowed into places like submarines and locker rooms (I think Medved's seen one or thirty gay pornos), they wouldn't be able to help themselves, and (gulp) buttsex would ensue.

Of course, the two major points he's missing are: 1) there have always been gays in locker rooms and submarines, they just haven't been "out," and 2) the notion that men have no control over their penises is the same logic used by the Taliban to imprison women in burkas.

Don't worry Michael. No faggot or fat chick on earth wants to see/touch/smell your filthy bits. But we hope one day you realize your barely-supressed fantasy of showering with a group of big, sweaty, generously-endowed NBA negros.

Care to chat with Medved's sponsors? They include the zit elixir www.ProActiv.com, www.EHarmony.com, www.barracudanetworks.com and www.northwest-seafood.com. 

Pakistan is Retarded Part Deux: Killer Kites n' Poker Brides

KARACHI -- As the sun rose on the inevitable bloodbath following its annual kite festival, police had still been unable to locate Lal Haider, the man who tried to collect a teenage Pakistani girl he won in a poker game.

Deftly stepping around and over the bloody carnage, which included multiple near-beheadings, electrocutions and gunshot wounds (all natural by-products of kite-flying), authorities inched ever closer to nabbing their suspect. Both Mr. Haider and his victory pot (a 17-year-old girl named Rasheeda), are members of the super-smart Umranis, an impoverished Islamist tribe.

The Umranis adhere to a strict fundamentalist interpretation of the Koran, honoring their women by keeping multiple pets slaves wives, raping them when they get all uppity, and bandying them about in card games.

Pakistan is totally retarded.

Guest Contributor: Britney Spears

Um okay. First, y'alls don't know what it's like. Sometimes it's like those stoopid gossipy faggits [sic] are totally just waiting in the bushes for me to make the eensy-weensiest mistake. Like forgetting my underware [sic] or droppin my baby on its pore [sic] little noggin. And that's so unfair cause like I usually remember to put cloze [sic] on and I'm totally not dropping my babies no more. And if Sean Preston or the other one starts to bawlin' or if one of them does one of those gross baby things like poop its pants or barf I totally usually have a nanny on it like right away. That's so gross. When I think of gross baby things I feel sorta vomity. BRB...

(EDITOR'S NOTE: 47 minutes elapse) OMG I like totally forgot I was like doing this cute bloggy thing! LOL!! So anyways. I shaved my head and started like attacking tabloid asswipes with umbrellas. LOL!! Cause there [sic] stoopidheads. I been majorly upset :-( Cause my dickbite scrotum ex husbind [sic] is all making himself look like, you know, a better parint [sic] or somethin. HEY! NANNY PERSON!! I HERE [sic] BABY NOISES, GO SHUT THAT SHIT OFF!! So Paris and me we goin to party tonite. Cause I got to go to some rehabby thingy for a couple ours [sic] tomorrow. Can you say "boring?" LOL!! So I just want to tell y'alls that I swear I'm a good mommy and I'm super responsi 

Rubber Baby Buggering Baptists

In their ongoing bid to become the world's most hypocritical group o' twats ever, the pious and self righteous Southern Baptists have been bouncing pedophiles from church to church in a monkey-see-monkey-do "keepin' up with Mary-worshipping Joneses" kinda way. These are the "Family Values," "abstinence only" douches.

The Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, or SNAP (insert joke here) has learned of more than 40 cases of documented abuse so far, including:

• A Dallas minister who raped and impregnated a girl, then made her stand in front of the congregation to ask forgiveness for being an unwed mother
• A Memphis minister who raped his own son and kept his job after church leaders learned of the incident
• A Greenwood Missouri youth minister admitting to molesting boys as young as 12

The list is growing fast. And the lawsuits are queuing up. Hope those polyester stretch pants have deep pockets.

(a quick prayer: "Lord, deliver our children from your followers...amen")

Hey! Take the Landover Baptist Bible Sex Quiz!

"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities"
-- Voltaire

Haiku Review #7: The Oscars

Arkin's nab surprised...

Now Murphy's back to voicing

Cute sassy donkeys

Strom's Message from Beyond: "Best Not Get Too Uppity, Sharpton"

HADES (AP) -- In a shocking and eerie dispatch from the underworld, deceased segregationist senator(and erstwhile negress impregnator) Strom Thurmond, informed African American activist Reverend Al Sharpton that he "best not get too uppity" on account of his great auntie Julia having owned Sharpton's great grandpappy Coleman.

The message, delivered by a host of bat-demons that burst from the pavement at the intersection of Lennox Avenue and 125th Street in Harlem, included a bizarre post-script: "P.S. My ridin' boots be needin' a shine, boy. And tell your Mammy to meet me in the woodshed."

Chimps: Evolving. Fundamentalist Christians: Not So Much.

SENEGAL -- In the scientific journal Current Biology, researchers note a changing behavior in chimpanzees. Specifically, they are fashioning spears with which to hunt. They are, in other words, evolving. The practice of sharpening branches to use as tools is catching on faster with the younger apes, and seems to be growing more sophisticated with each newer generation.

By contrast, in the U.S., fundamentalist Christians are trying their best to make their children dumber, by refusing to teach them that life evolves. The practice of hiding knowledge from younger generations is resulting in the slow (almost imperceptible) process of their thumbs becoming less and less opposable.

Dr. Beetroot Changes Her Tune

JOHANNESBURG (AP) -- Now that she's faced with a potentially life-threatening illness, South Africa's notorious Minister of Health, Dr. Tshabalala-Msimang (aka Dr. Beetroot) has decided that western medicine is in fact preferable to her whacko voodoo concoctions.

Dr. Beetroot is among a handful of African dingbats* who have made it their mission to steer AIDS patients away from life-saving anti-retroviral drugs, convincing them that a dash of garlic will save them. We'll stop for a minute and let the hypocrisy sink in: she's a health minister whose actions have led to the deaths of who knows how many of her countrymen. But now that it's her life that's on the line, western medicine is A-okay. C*nt.

The official line is that she's being treated for anemia and pleural effusion, but a quick search on WebMD reveals what she probably really has is lung cancer.

Yo, Beetroot! There's an herb that'll treat that!

*UPDATE: Yahya Jammeh, Gambian President and asshat voodoo creep (who claims he can cure AIDS in 3 days), has just expelled a UN envoy for pointing out that he's dangerous, irresponsible and retarded.

The "Free Kareem" Insult-o-Matic

So this is the upshot: 22-year-old Egyptian blogger Abel Kareem Soliman has been imprisoned for 4 years for insulting both Egypt's hamfisted asswipe president, Hosni Mubarak, and Islam. Of course, all he did was criticize his university's radical fundamentalist teachings as intolerant and inflamatory (oh he might have said something about Mubarak being a tad dictatorish, but whatev).

C'mon Egypt...imprisoning bloggers? That kinda pisses us off.

So we thought maybe we should demonstrate to the flea-infested government Egypt what bloggers are at liberty to say here in the civilized world.

Here's an idea: Copy n' paste the insult-o-matic letter below,fill it out (get real creative) and email it to the Egyptian embassy ([email protected]), the Egyptian Ministry of Foreign Affairs ([email protected]) and the Egyptian Supreme Council of Culture ([email protected]):

To Whom it May Concern:

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarek is a (descriptive adjective), (descriptive adjective) (noun). Even when I see a picture of him I can smell the foul odor of (something disgusting) mixed with (something even more disgusting). And his wife Suzanne is a (adjective) (noun), who eats (something disgusting) and looks like (ugly famous mustachioed man) in a dress.

Also, I thought you might like to know that Islam is a (insulting adjective) religion that worships a (insulting adjective) God. Its followers are inevitably (undesirable attribute), and are all brainwashed to (describe a vile terrorist act).

Sincerely,
A person with free speech

P.S. Muhammad smelled like poop.