According to his man-toy-slash-tina connection Mike Jones, homo-hating Haggard liked to be humped in the butt by candle light in a meth-dazed frenzy. Then, all embarrassed and stuff, he would leave without engaging in the most cursory pillow talk and didn't even like to cuddle (that cad!).
Four months later: Halleluia! Praise His name, brothers and sisters! Having spent hour upon hour locked in a room with a four-man orgy oversight board (how deliciously cozy!), Haggard has emerged with his he-man vagina-liking heterosexuality intact. Apparently, after talking it over with Jesus, Teddy realized he wasn't ever a homo after all. Not really. I mean, except for the ass-sex, he hates the very idea. Praise!
Evangelicals across the land are relieved all this nastiness is finally behind them and again they can focus their energies on God's work.
As for the Haggards, they have wisely decided to leave the Colorado Springs area. Although they haven't made a decision as to where they'll settle down, they have nonetheless decided what they really need is a vacation.
(Air kisses to the dreamboats at www.queerty.com)
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