A long time ago, a homely Jewish girl was hiding in a closet (no, not Barry Diller, silly!). Her name was Anne Frank, and as we all know she became the world's most widely-read diarist. Of course, her story is at once painfully sad and beautifully uplifting. It's been adapted to stage and screen. Those tasteful Spaniards even made it into a musical (we bet the tap number was FAB; "screw the Nazis, Ma! I gotta DANCE!").
So Disney (realizing they were out of fresh ideas after almost green-lighting "Lion King vs. Mary Poppins 2: A Spoonful of Whup-Ass") has decided to gnaw on Miss Frank's carcass anew until cash shoots out of Mickey's ass.
And guess who they've hired to pen and helm this desperate oscar-grab? Why, our favorite potty-mouthed president of the He-Man Woman-Haters Club, Mr. David Mamet. We love that. We LOVE that. So much so, that we had our covert band of sociopathic ninja operatives swipe a copy of the screenplay's first draft, excerpted below.
INT. THE ATTIC - DAY
EDITH and OTTO FRANK are arguing. ANNE writes in her diary.
F*ck you, numb-nuts. You never take me anywhere.
Shut up, c*nt and suck my c*ck.
No, f*ck YOU.
(pounding on the floor with her fists)
Yo, butt-wipes! We're up here!!
INT. THE ATTIC - NIGHT
ANNE writes in her diary. Over the SOUND of grunting and moaning from the VAN DAANS' bed, we hear ANNE speaking in VOICE OVER.
Dear Kitty, I'm going out of my goddamned mind.
Uncle Fritz keeps making me sit on his lap to play "horsie."
He's such a dick smoking motherf*cking asshole bastard.
I had a dream last night that Peter farted in bed and held my head
under the covers again, so I bit off his left nut and spit it out the window,
where it landed in a tuba from a passing Nazi parade.
INT. THE ATTIC - MORNING
EDITH, OTTO, HERMANN and MARGOT are eating pancakes. ANNE is jumping up and down and throwing heavy books on the floor.
Anne, for God's sake, we're trying to eat our f*cking pancakes.
F*ck you. And f*ck your f*cking pancakes.
F*ck me? No, f*ck YOU!
F*ck both of you, you motherf*cking f*cks!
OTTO throws a pancake across the table like a frisbee, decapitating MARGOT.
What the f*ck?
(yelling out the window)
What do you f*cking nazis need, a goddamned engraved f*cking invitation???
(singing at the top of her lungs)
Hava nagila, hava nagila, hava nagila venis'mecha!!!
OTTO throws a sausage at ANNE, knocking her unconscious.
David Mamet sez: "F*ck you if you don't f*cking subscribe to this goddamned blog's motherf*cking feed."