BEIJING -- Steven Spielberg, director of mega-hits"1941" and "Always," has withdrawn from his role as artistic adviser to the Beijing Olympics, mostly because that rude shiksa Mia Farrow liked to blab about how, considering China's bank-rolling the Sudanese killbots in Darfur, his involvement made him like filmmaker Leni Reifenstahl, who helped glorify Hitler with her film about the 1932 Berlin Olympics. Snap!! As one can imagine, the politburo in Beijing has issued a statement:
Dear most honorable Jew-boy smelly-pants: We are to make unhappy stompy foot because of you to quit as "Jew in Charge to Making Beijing Orympics Duper-Super Happy-tacular." Is because frowny ugly Mia Fallow to make you crybaby? Ha! Mia Fallow is mouthy-blab who spit baby-devil from icky-hole! And then she to selling baby-devil-Previn to Woody Arren!! Mr. Woody Arren is being Jew-boy too, and he also make funny silly movies about space peoples! Space peoples in Climes and Misdemeanors better than space peoples in Crose Encounters anyways!! So maybe we to ask him to make explode-y fun Orympics for us now! How you like that, poopy-face? Why come you to have bony pants for smelly negros in Darfur, anyway? If you to see smelly Darfur peoples on your property, you to make bodyguard to make killy gun pow-pow!! How you are to liking those apples, Jewboy Poopy-pants??
Sydney -- Elsewhere in non-Western hemispheres there's another country where folks talk in hilarious accents. But there, the powers that be are striking a more congenial tone. Australia took a break from battling toads and rasslin crocs to issue a formal apology to the woe-begotten race of indigenous savages, the Aboriginals. It seems that, aside from the typical run-of-the-mill cruelty visited on various natives by Christian whitefolk throughout history, the Aussies (until the '70s) got a little "kidnappy" with about 100,000 pigment-enhanced boomerang hurlers in order to assimilate them; an effort whose results were something less than spectacular. For years, the Australian government debated whether an apology should be issued and what exactly should be said. After many delays, their tireless efforts have finally borne fruit. Today, thousands of affected people whose families were decimated (earning them the deeply sad nickname "the Stolen Generations") gathered outside Parliament to hear newly-elected PM Kevin Rudd deliver a heartfelt "sorry" for which they've been waiting all their lives. Mr. Rudd's words (below) at long last addressed the officially-sanctioned misery inflicted on generations of an entire race, thereby healing all wounds and setting everything right:
PM Rudd: Yeah. Right. Sorry. Cheers, mate.*
* Actually, we think Rudd's speech was rather remarkable. It serves as an example of how a powerful democracy that tosses around words like "freedom" and "human rights" like frisbees can come to terms with an ugly history, admit wrongdoing and begin to make amends without appearing weak or losing face; an example a certain Western super-power might do well to follow.