Can O' Whup-Ass

China is Leady for Crose-up! We to Making Lucky Fun Final Prepares on Glorious Duper-Super Orympics!! Yay!!

Hello for going! We make welcome face!! Soon, most lucky happy nation of China be smiley so happy proud we to exprode! But we not really exprode. That is just an explession. BUT WE SO HAPPY SMILEY WE FEEL LIKE TO EXPRODE! YAY!! ORYMPICS!!! HIPPY HIPPY HOOLAY!!!

But before we to exprode, China to making final prepares, okie-dokie? We to prove it, Mister Sassy-face! Here, we are to providing a rist of flequentry assed questionings for lucky happy touristy peoples coming for to adore glorious Chinese Orympics!

FLEQUENTRY-ASSED QUESTIONINGS OF PERTAINING NATURE FOR DUPER-SUPER ORYMPICS:

Q: I HAVE MY HEART SET ON GOING TO THE OLYMPICS, BUT I CAN'T GET A VISA. WHY?
A: Lucky fun China Government peoples no to allowing belligerent complainy peoples to Orympics. You sound complainy. First you to saying your hotel room needs more paper for toilet, then you to saying Beijing air smell like yak butt. Next thing you are to knowing, you leading Fallun Gong-y peasant revolt in Tiananmen Square and CNN to put cameras on you when China girlies are to winning goldstuffs in synchronize swimmy time! You to stay in frowny sad America and watch on that TV made by frowny Japanese peoples! How you are liking those apples?

Q: MY CHILDREN KEEP HAVING NIGHTMARES ABOUT YOUR CREEPY MASCOTS. HOW DO I CONVINCE THEM THAT THEY ARE HARMLESS CUTE LITTLE CARTOONS?
A: Some rude sad frowny peoples are to spreading unfortunate fibby-stuffs about our mascots (or "Fuwa"). They are to saying the Fuwa (which to translating into Engrish are to mean "Scary Happy Fun Toys") are to bringing bad ruck. They say that Lingling, the jorry panda Fuwa make shakey fun earthquake to happen in Sichuan. They say that Huanhuan (the Fuwa who to looking like a happy baby on fire) is to causing smelly French peoples to protest orympic torch. Now they to saying that Beibei (the Fuwa who is water girly with fish hat) is to make splashy happy floods happening. While Chinese believe natural disaster stuffs are signs from heaven that the empire has lost its mandate, that not true this time! Shakey silly earthquake was to show world we care about our non-Tibet peoples! If we to catch peoples who to spread these lies, we make shooty pow-pow! The Fuwa are duper-super rucky! We make stompy-feet!

Q: LAST TIME I WENT TO CHINA YOUR FOOD WAS BARFY. I WENT TO A RESTAURANT AND THEY SERVED DOG FACE CHOW MEIN. I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA HURL. ARE YOU GONNA HAVE NORMAL FOOD FOR US NON-ORIENTAL TYPES?
A: We to send orders to Chinese restaurants to change menus. Now, instead of calling it "Happy Choppy Schnauzer Penis Pu-pu Platter" we to calling it "Spicy Meat Yummy Tummy." Or instead of to calling it "Kitty-Cat Lung with Eel Poop Cream Sauce," we to calling it "Silly Fun Yum Stew." Or instead of to calling it "Fallun Gong Eyeball Skewers Sauteed in Ginger Pig Sperm," we to calling it "General Pao's Yummy Olive Medley." And we send expricit instluctions to restaurants not to play pee-pee joke in your coke. Anymore.

Q: IS IT TRUE CHINESE PEOPLE POOP STANDING UP? HOW DO THEY DO THAT? IS IT CAUSE THEY HAVE NO BUTTS? I'M AFRAID OF POOPING WHILE STANDING UP, I HAVE ARTHRITIS AND VERTIGO. AND WHAT IF I EAT SOME OF YOUR GROSS FOOD AND IT COMES OUT IN A SPRAY?
A: We to dig out 8,000 peoples from earthquake who don't remember their names. So we train them to help foreign peoples to make poop time. They to help you balancing over squat holes. If you to fall in, they to give you a ladder. If you to spray, they to turn hose on you. And they to learning Engrish explessions, like "it burn when it come out too, right soldier boy?" and "you drop too many kids in pool! put a cork in that yankee butthole!" and "you too stinky! you make courtesy flush time or I blow chunks on your reeboks!" Everything is being hunky-dory, so you to put that into your pipe for smoke sucking.

Q: I AM A CHINESE STUDENT FROM SHANGHAI. YESTERDAY POLICE TELL ME NOT TO GO TO BEIJING. I AM SO PROUD OF ORYMPICS, HOW COME I CAN'T GO TOO?
A: We have dossier on you. One time you make petition so your family not to starve. You trouble-maker! We only let Chinese peoples who not fat or ugry go to Orympics. Peoples with good tooths in face. Sexy fun booby girlies. And NO TROUBLEMAKERS!! What if you to hold up sign in middle of shot-put game, saying "Democracy Now"?? Then we have to make you do jerky silly bullet dance on ESPN! We make sure duper-super orympics not be political!! It supposed to be peaceful happy fun time! That why we equip stadium with anti-aircraft pow-guns. And that why you can't go to orympics. You have wrong political stuffs.

Happy Fun List of Stuffs Lucky Foreigners NOT DO When to Attending Glorious Orympics!!

Welcome for coming! Gleetings from most glorious smiley nation of China! This past month, after surprise wakey uppy shakey fun earthquake, China make happy friends with earth peoples! Yay! This is for we to letting cameras show China peoples to be saved by smiley nice army peoples. Now you to forgetting laughy friendy army peoples to making frowny poop-eating Tibet peoples do laughy silly cattle prod dance, okay? And you to also forgetting those thousands hundreds dozens three or four rude students who have smashy squishy time under tank treads or do jerky funny bullet dance 19 years ago in glorious Tiananmen Square! You to also forgetting silly killy toothpaste! Why to forgetting this frowny stuffs? Because we make glorious orympic time! We so super excited face! Yay!

And now we to giving lucky good list to foreign peoples who to coming to glorious orympic time. This is list of frowny stuffs you not do! If you do stuffs on this list we make shouty mean face!

FROWNY STUFFS FOREIGN PEOPLES NOT TO DOING AT GLORIOUS ORYMPICS

1. You not to make chokey face at yummy fun brown Beijing air.
2. You not to be Sharon Stone.
3. You not to make listen time with poopy sad peoples who make cry face about silly dead children peoples who take dirt nap in schools we building with chow mein as mortar.
4. You not to be Bjork.
5. You not to make laughy noise at opening sell-a-mony when ten thousand girly dancers make jumpy aroundy retarded dancy time. That traditional dancy-dance! You make clappy noise!
6. You not to be French.
7. You not to make laughy face or to acting barfy if you to walk by lucky good dog butcher. You to order Saint Bernard burger and pretend you likey! Arf, arf!
8. You not to be Richard Gere.
9. You to not bring chronic ganja, killer "e", Tina-san or the horsie. You to not roll fatties of major doobage. Smacky, cracky, or whacky tobaccy? Police will arrest you and breaky your backy.
10. You not to be Mia Farrow.
11. You not to make haggle with happy good man who to selling you Falun Gong kidneys.
12. You not to be Steven Spielberg.
13. You not to make laughy noise at Chinese gymnast girlie when she make slip on balancy beam and land on girly hole (shaming her family and dooming herself to ten years at happy fun re-educational camp).

THANK YOU FOR GOING! DON'T FORGET YOUR PANDA POOP!

China to Make Duper-Super Happy Talk With Frowny-Sad Dalai Lama Peoples!

Si Ton Dong, CHINA -- Herro, and a duper-super Monday day to China-loving world peoples! Yesterday the happy good non-corrupt government official persons to make chatty time with belligerent representatives of frowny poop-eating Dalai Lama.

This is to showing how China likes to pretend it have super-big boner for peace!

Berow, we are provide the minutes from chatty-meet.

Now ugly sad western media peoples to shut yaps. We extra human lights is now. Fun!

You come orympics now, okay?

MINUTES FROM MEETING TO MAKE HAPPY TALK WITH DALAI LAMA PEOPLES

• Non-corrupt Chinese official (Sum Dum Pu) say hello and make bow. Dalai Lama peoples say hello and make bow. Sum Dum Pu make bow back. Dalai Lama peoples make bow back again. Sum Dum Pu make bow and say for Dalai Lama peoples to sit. Dalai Lama peoples make bow and say for Sum Dum Pu to sit. Sum Dum Pu make bow and say "after you." Dalai Lama peoples make bow and say "you first." Chinese guard person make pointy-gun at Dalai Lama peoples. Dalai Lama peoples sit. Ha! That be two point for us, sucker!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu make tiny talk for to asking "how is your visit to lucky fun China?" Dalai Lama peoples are to saying "is lucky-good but air is brown and smell like yak butt."
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make generous offer of pop-soda to Dalai Lama peoples. Before we give Coke, we play joke by go pee-pee in it. Funny laugh!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu is to making waggy-finger frowny-face to say "Why Dalai Lama wear lady-dress? Why he to play Yahtzee with Nancy Pelosi? Why he get unlucky award from homosex Frenchy peoples?"
• Dalai Lama peoples to say shouty smelly Tibet peoples only to wanting peace. Then Dalai Lama peoples is ask if we to have some poop for them to eating it.
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make waggy-finger angry face to tell Dalai Lama peoples for to stop saying China is making Tibetans do the silly funny cattle prod dance. Frowny Dalai Lama peoples to saying "why come happy laughing Chinese police peoples to making Tibet peoples doing silly funny cattle prod dance?" Sum Dum Pu make foot-stompy shouty sound that "Chinese Police peoples not make bald lady-dress Tibet peoples to doing silly funny cattle prod dance! Now you to closing your fat pie hole or we make YOU do silly funny cattle prod dance!"
• Dalai Lama peoples are smoking that and putting it in their pipe.
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to transform subject and ask Dalai Lama peoples if wanting to make dirty-sex with naughty fun booby-girlies. Dalai Lama peoples are to saying "no,thanks." Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make motion declaring Dalai Lama peoples to be lady-boy homo peoples. Laughy joke!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make fist bang-bang on tabletop and yelly sound: "China is duper-super Orympics! China peoples are to having yummy fun doggy-woof chow mein! We are to liking Miss Oryvia Fig-Newton-John-Travolta! Who Tibet peoples got? Hamster-in-fanny Richard Gere? Yelly Bjork lady who wear the birdy flu dress? Ha!"
• Dalai Lama peoples are liking them apples.
• Frowny-bad Dalai Lama peoples to say China not to having human lights. Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu make stompy-foot fisty-pound shouty-face: "China have human lights! You to stop say stuffs that China no have human lights! If you no stop to say China have no human lights, you go to jaily time with no trial!" I am to estimate we told him!
• Non-corrupt Chinese official person Sum Dum Pu make standing up, offer happy lucky gift-stuffs to poopy Dalai Lama peoples: lucky toothpaste, smiley face fun-toys, and silly fun panda poop orympic souvenirs!
• We go see happy fun show with dancy fat girlies in penguin suits! Yay!
  
  

Lucky Fun China to Wish You Have a Duper-Super Year-of-Rat Earth Day!

As duper-super extra-glorious nation of China get ready for happy good Orympics, we take a stop for to say a lucky happy Earth Day to all the world peoples! We make big "celebrate good times come on" just like Kool-san and Gang of Four! Today is time for world peoples to stop making frowny belligerent sad noise about poop-eating Tibet peoples. Now for to end unlucky shouty stuff when Orympic torch make glorious fun parades. Mean TV news peoples to stop calling us "thugs and goons," or we to make shooty pow-pow! We do kung-fu at your ugly face! 2008 be Year of Rat!! How you rike us now, Mr. Cafferty??

But we transform the subject. Today is happy laughy Earth Day. We to not say frowny words about big floaty boat of bombs and guns China try sail to Zimbabwe so Mugabe-san can shooty-pow-pow sassy negroes who not vote right. WHY YOU STOP BOAT?? If poopy USA can send bombstuffs to unlucky belligerent Taiwan peoples, China can send pow guns to sad negroes!! You to keep this stuffs up and WE NOT TO EAT THE BIG MAC NO MORE! We make stompy noise with foot! We make mad sound!! You to put them apples in your pipe and smoke it!

Earth Day is happy fun time, so we can be not thinking about rude lies in smelly-sad Times of New York about duper-super Chinese pills that act killy because we to putting oopsy fun poison inside. We Chinese, we play joke, pee-pee in your pill for stroke! Ha-ha!! We also not thinking of smelly bad French peoples for to try blow out Orympic torch and then give unlucky prize to poop-eating Dalai Lama!! We make funny poem about it: "Homos prance, Poop their pants, Dance a stupid can-can dance, Then go home and poke their Aunts, That's what peoples do in France!" Happy joke! Ha-ha!!

But seliousry. Today is happy Earth Day! So laughy fun Chinese peoples cereblate by to do many happy stuffs:

• We to use solar-powered cattle prods for to re-educate evil bad Tibet peoples. Jokey fun!
• China to not waste energy on to light court rooms, frowny subverters of state secrets go to happy fun jail without trial. Smiley face!
• We try only to dump 500 million tons of poop into Yangtze River this year, instead of 1 billion. Yay!
• We have plan to curb air pollution deaths: If sad unlucky peoples fall over and play "pretend to be dead" game after breathing yummy fun Beijing air, we will shove funny happy bamboo shims under their Momma-san's fingernails! Wheeee!
• For to make Beijing to have flowers and trees, we pulverize nearby mountain! Happy Earth Day!!

Beijing to Spielberg: "Hey Poopy-Face! You Not to Letting Fanny be Hitted by Screen Door When You to Exit! Ha-ha!!" PLUS: Oz Sez "Oops"

BEIJING -- Steven Spielberg, director of mega-hits"1941" and "Always," has withdrawn from his role as artistic adviser to the Beijing Olympics, mostly because that rude shiksa Mia Farrow liked to blab about how, considering China's bank-rolling the Sudanese killbots in Darfur, his involvement made him like filmmaker Leni Reifenstahl, who helped glorify Hitler with her film about the 1932 Berlin Olympics. Snap!! As one can imagine, the politburo in Beijing has issued a statement:

Dear most honorable Jew-boy smelly-pants: We are to make unhappy stompy foot because of you to quit as "Jew in Charge to Making Beijing Orympics Duper-Super Happy-tacular." Is because frowny ugly Mia Fallow to make you crybaby? Ha! Mia Fallow is mouthy-blab who spit baby-devil from icky-hole! And then she to selling baby-devil-Previn to Woody Arren!! Mr. Woody Arren is being Jew-boy too, and he also make funny silly movies about space peoples! Space peoples in Climes and Misdemeanors better than space peoples in Crose Encounters anyways!! So maybe we to ask him to make explode-y fun Orympics for us now! How you like that, poopy-face? Why come you to have bony pants for smelly negros in Darfur, anyway? If you to see smelly Darfur peoples on your property, you to make bodyguard to make killy gun pow-pow!! How you are to liking those apples, Jewboy Poopy-pants??

***

Sydney -- Elsewhere in non-Western hemispheres there's another country where folks talk in hilarious accents. But there, the powers that be are striking a more congenial tone. Australia took a break from battling toads and rasslin crocs to issue a formal apology to the woe-begotten race of indigenous savages, the Aboriginals. It seems that, aside from the typical run-of-the-mill cruelty visited on various natives by Christian whitefolk throughout history, the Aussies (until the '70s) got a little "kidnappy" with about 100,000 pigment-enhanced boomerang hurlers in order to assimilate them; an effort whose results were something less than spectacular. For years, the Australian government debated whether an apology should be issued and what exactly should be said. After many delays, their tireless efforts have finally borne fruit. Today, thousands of affected people whose families were decimated (earning them the deeply sad nickname "the Stolen Generations") gathered outside Parliament to hear newly-elected PM Kevin Rudd deliver a heartfelt "sorry" for which they've been waiting all their lives. Mr. Rudd's words (below) at long last addressed the officially-sanctioned misery inflicted on generations of an entire race, thereby healing all wounds and setting everything right:

PM Rudd: Yeah. Right. Sorry. Cheers, mate.*

* Actually, we think Rudd's speech was rather remarkable. It serves as an example of how a powerful democracy that tosses around words like "freedom" and "human rights" like frisbees can come to terms with an ugly history, admit wrongdoing and begin to make amends without appearing weak or losing face; an example a certain Western super-power might do well to follow.

Dispatch From Beijing: Duper-Super Lucky Fun Progress Report For Make Glorious Orympics!!

Super happy hellos! It make big lucky pleasure to report on duper-super progress for make extra glorious orympics! As China New Year become year of the mouse, all mouses are be Chinese! Hello, Mickey Mao!! Ha ha!! We making fun joke! But seliousry, we make checkrist below of happy good things we do for making to preparations so laughing happy Summer Games are extra lucky and smiley-fun!!

• When frowny sad workers get into belligerent accidents at stadium sites and act all lazy-dead, we pour concrete over them so no one see! Ha-ha!!
• Beijing air still look like chow mein and smell like panda ass. It also make face melt and ovaries fall out. But we make plan so laughing happy peoples with athsma to live in hide-y cages so they don't make insolent falling-over-dead dance in front of poopy foreign media! Yay! We also to make happy smiley kiddie slave labor fun factories to make duper-super Nike gasmasks! Swoosh!!
• Evil sad dissidents who are to say rude stuffs about China's happy laughing poritical plisoners is getting extra fun bamboo-shims-under-toenail jabby jab, we send to lucky good re-education camps for to learn funny happy cattle-prod dance!! Wheee!
• We lock up evil baby in Bo Bo Freedom City! For we a jorry good fellow!!
• We make new orympic sport! We pay for lucky happy Janjaweed to take camel rides in Darfur and play funny game we call "machete polo" with smelly bad negro peoples! Yipee!
• Yelly peoples with stupid poopy relatives stuck in deep coaly fun mines will shut their loud yaps when smiley army mens to give funny loud conk on noggins! Happy face!!
• Silly fun Panda Poop souvenirs be selling like dogburgers!! Arf!
• We make upsetty frowny face at evil bad Dalai Lama to make smelly tour of peace! We make bad icky stink!! :-(
• We offer Falun Gong kidneys at plices so row, you are thinking we insane!! Ha-ha!!
• We make make hard training for Chinese gymnasts so if they slip on balance beam and land on icky vaginas, or if they to get dishonorable blonze medal, we sell their sad frowny families to Sudan!! Ha!

Here, crybaby gymnastic girly learn that she can eat her dinner only when her stupid head touch her fanny.

This is lucky fun punishment for rudeness of being born not as a boy.

:-)

China Make Strong Dissatisfied Over Belligerent Dalai Lama's Evil Tour of Peace!!

Dear Most Honorable Mr. President Bush (and Your Lesbian Negro Secretary of the State Condoleeza of the Rice):

It come to our most unfortunate awareness that the evil poop-eating Dalai Lama is to get gold star by your congress peoples! This unlucky bad news!! Dalai Lama is ornery and uncooperative lady-man who dare to say Tibet not happy to bask under China's super fun fist! He rabble-rouse the Tibet peoples with hostile message of compassion and lead the peoples down dangerous path of peace! He tell fat lies about China peoples locking Tibet peoples in cage to make them do the silly funny cattle-prod dance! That is counter-revolutionary dirty fib! Dalai Lama is the ugly mean poopy face!

Mr. President, it also make us to irritate furiously that you let Dalai Lama into the round room in the Caucasian House! It make very serious grave sad impact on China's happy fun friendship with Yankee Doodle USA! We demand with rising voice and stompy-stompy feets that bald old Buddhist not come in your house! He bad feng shui! If we to see photos on interweb of Dalai Lama playing Yahtzee with Nancy Pelosi, we be so so so angry!! That make very bad stink with us!

So what happen if you arrogant peoples to be nice with evil sad unlucky Dalai Lama? If he go to Congress peoples for to get the gold star, then go to sit in your house to eat cheetohs and to watch Betty Who's Ugly Show, what will China do? Ah, that is for China to know and for you to not! Maybe China not to let our productive childrens go to Nike factory for making Air Jordans! Then superfly rap-hopper negros have no shoes for to break the dance! Ha ha! Maybe China make American athletes at Olympics to stay near frowny lake with smell that makes them to vomit and cause the nerve damage!

We serious! We jump up and down all hoppity hopping mad now! We have clenchy fisty hands and frowny angry face!

Okay fine, rude Buddhist go to your house. Tell him message from us. Tell him that if Tibet is not part of mother China, then why do our happy fun re-education camps be chock-full of Tibet peoples learning the funny laughing cattle prod dance?

Yours in upsetty concern,
Foreign Ministry Spokesman Liu Jianchao

P.S. How is the wife? We are to hear she stick nose all up in Myanmar's grill. Whose turn today to wear the testicles in your house? Ha ha.

Dispatch from China: Fat Dancing Penguin Broads, Gam-gam Thinks I'm a Pin-Cushion (and other stories)

BEIJING -- To many of us in the west, the quaint customs of China seem more than a little odd. This is the country that, until a few short decades ago, considered it sexy to wrap a bitch's feet in silk until her dogs turned into petite clumps of gangrenous flesh at the end of their ankles. And recently, when some chick went to the doctor complaining of abdominal pain, it was discovered that her grandparents had been shoving needles into her tummy for years in an attempt to slowly kill her. In fact, the widespread infanticide inspired by the one-child policy has led to a bride shortage so intense that many families are selling their lil' girls into marriage at the age of five. We find that a tad peculiar. And below, we've included an abreviated potpourri of bizarre news items to escape the jaundiced scrutiny of China's totally transparent, entirely humane government: 

• FAT AND COOL: In China's dazzling Jiangsu province, seven enormous broads (ranging in weight 230 lbs to "dayum, bitch!") have formed a dance company called "Fat and Cool." While we appreciate the entertainment value of watching these rolly-poly bitches strain the floorboards as they huff and puff through awkwardly executed fan kicks and tour-jetes, we believe their chosen name is a bit of a misnomer; as pictured in their Lane Bryant penguin outfits, they look anything but cool. In fact, just looking at this picture fills us with an inexplicable urge to airlift a crate of dress shields and Masengil products to Jiangsu.
• BAD ETIQUETTE: In China's dazzling Hunan province, a man invited thirty of his closest friends to dinner. They gathered at a local restaurant and sat down to break bread together in brotherhood and fellowship. And then their host blew them up. Perhaps someone made a rude suggestion regarding his pu-pu platter.
• NASTY BUNS: In China's dazzling Gansu province, 260 kindergarten kids are in the hospital after their school fed them e. coli-infected buns for breakfast. The school's cafeteria manager is currently second-guessing his decision to marinate the buns in pig poo.
• WHAT EXPLOSION?: When Bo Xilai was named its governor, he declared that there would be nothing but good news in China's dazzling Liaoning province. Unfortch, a bomb tore through a karaoke bar/massage parlor/casino shortly thereafter, killing scores (if not hundreds) of people. The government reacted by ordering the locals to pretend it never happened. Even as they were picking glass shards from their skin, neighbors who so much as talked about it amongst themselves were quickly rounded up by the police. Reporters who defied orders not to investigate the event were confronted by townsfolk who refused to acknowledge the enormous crater in the epicenter of their sleepy hamlet. Merely admitting the crater's existence earned a one way ticket to a happy fun torture camp and a thrilling odyssey through the purgatory of China's super-fair and totally efficient court system.

Sino-file: Millions of Tots Face Potential Maiming/Brain Injury From Super Happy Chinese Toys!

SITTON DONG, China -- According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, China has been exporting some slightly deadly toys to the U.S. (including poisonous trains, exploding fake eyeballs, deadly drum sets, etc.). This comes as no surprise to us, as the super happy genocide-funding nation of China has recently shipped poisonous dog chow, lethal toothpaste and killer vitamins (and seems to have a rather nasty vendetta against the poor people of Panama).

Thankfully the killer toy problem was nipped in the bud. Other rather unsafe toys now stalled in the development stage include:

• Baby's Lucky Glo-in-the-Dark Teething Ring! (filled with glass shards and plutonium)
• The Happy Lil' Dinosaur's Box o' Asbestos!
• Yummy Fun Sour Grape Shrapnel-pops!
• Super Happy Landmine Hopscotch!
• Fallun Gong Freida's Kidney Harvesting Set (Bamboo shims included)
• Silly Fun Acid Tag! Yay!

But really, don't Chinese children have better things to do with their time than laughing and playing like the sad frowny counter-revolutionary layabouts they are?

Come on, those millions of ugly-ass Olympics Souvenirs aren't going to manufacture themselves, are they? Put down your poisonous train sets my mini-comrades! Child Labor Makes Chairman Mao Smile!!

Sino-file: Happy Fun Killer Toothpaste

FOOK YUTU, CHINA -- As the US/China trade summit begins, we hope U.S. negotiators are a little curious as to why Chinese manufacturers have been shipping boatloads of toxic toothpaste to Panama, the Dominican Republic and Australia. The toothpaste brands, among them "Mr. Cool Junior" in bubble gum and strawberry flavors, are marketed to children. They also happen to contain an industrial solvent found in anti-freeze. Oops.

In the last month or so, western media has reported on the following Chinese news items:

• Killer dog chow! Arf!!
• Poisonous vitamins exported to Panama, killing hundreds (what's yer dillio with Panama, China? Did they make fun of yer shabby shoes?)
• Sponsoring the Darfur Genocide
• Happy fun "Pay up or dig up" rental graves for your loved ones!
• "Transplant tourists" flying to Beijing and getting a new kidney/liver/eyeball courtesy of a freshly kidneyless/liverless/eyeball-free political prisoner (no, not an urban legend)

And yet, China has just placed a young couple named Hu Jia and wife Zeng Jinyan under house arrest as they attempted to leave the country, over fears that due to their history of social activism, they could damage China's reputation and instigate an Olympic boycott. Seems like China's doing a damn good job of that all by itself.

As far as we're concerned, it certainly wouldn't kill us to wait for London in '12.

China sucks.

It had to be said.