Can O' Whup-Ass

Helms is Dead: Let The Weenie Roast Begin!

Decrepit tub of paste Jesse Helms was yanked into the underworld by the icy hand of death today. He had just finished penning his fourth unpublished volume of homoerotic poetry when his bile-choked heart farted to a long overdue stop, causing his sagging carcass to declare independence from the world of the living.

"...in the 18 years and 5 months I've been in the senate, none, none have been more capable than Dan Quayle."
-- Jesse Helms

Across the Deep South, segregationists, bigots, racists, xenophobes, homophobes and those opposed to modern art (read: Southern Baptists) shoe-horned themselves into their best polyester stretch pants to pay homage to the insufferable troll (post-poning their Backyard Weenie Roast/Burn Obama's Effigy/Dad-n-Lad Three Legged Race hootnannies for several hours). Elsewhere, the hell-bound liberal elite (read: high school graduates) marked the Senator's passing by bursting into an impromptu rendition of the Virginia Reel.

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands."
-- Jesse Helms

"Life sucks. The economy's taking a nose-dive, I'm facing foreclosure, Iraq is a quagmire, the dollar is disintegrating, I've lost my health insurance, I'm unemployed, and I'm spending the kid's college fund on milk," said one elated onlooker. "But now that Helms is dead, I feel I actually have something to celebrate today."

"To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn't have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing."
-- Jesse Helms

HIGHLIGHTS OF HELMS' ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER:

• He fought against Federal AIDS funding, claiming it was God's punishment for "disgusting" behavior
• He brought down the National Endowment for the Arts (objecting to Serrano puting Jesus in pee-pee and Finley inserting yams in her butt).
• He once told President Clinton not to come to North Carolina without a body guard.
• He tried to buy CBS because he found their news coverage to be too liberal.
• He ran ads in his 1990 re-election campaign that said "You needed that job. But they gave it to a negro." The ads worked.
• In 1950, he helped Willis Smith win a senate race by distributing flyers depicting his opponent's wife dancing with a negro.

"I've never heard once in this chamber anybody say to the homosexuals, 'stop what you're doing.' If they would stop what they're doing there would not be one additional case of AIDS in the United States."
-- Jesse Helms

Our only regret is that he didn't white-knuckle it and cling to life for just a few months longer so he could see that thing he most feared and loathed (read: a negro) get elected President of the country he tried for so long to smother under a veil of hatred and bigotry.

"I've been portrayed as a caveman by some. That's not true. I'm a conservative progressive, and that means I think all men are equal, be they slants, beaners or niggers."
-- Jesse Helms (in an interview to the North Carolina Progressive, 2/6/85)

UPDATE: According to a source (a highly admired clairvoyant), Senator Helms is currently being sodomized by a negro demon who's shoving yams up Jesse's butt.

IN RELATED NEWS: Bozo the clown died.

The Queen's Formal Instructions to the Staff of Her Majesty's Recently-Acquired McDonald's

LONDON -- The crown rests uneasily on Her Majesty's gray noggin. What with her grandchildren prancing about naked and masquerading as Nazis, her developmentally retarded son and his horse-like bride, one presumes she's constantly on the verge of snapping her cap.

As if hell-bent to provide evidence to support this theory, HRM recently purchased a McDonald's with the Crown's Purse; an alarming turn of events, which has led to rampant speculation regarding Her Royal Sanity. While we empathize that HRM's daily habit of wearing a different aerodynamically unstable hat of exponentially increasing hideousness would be enough to make a lesser broad pick up a sniper rifle and climb the Tower of London, the fact that she prefers the company of her royal corgis to her spectacularly retarded brood is cold comfort indeed.

Our underground band of ruthless operatives, as if to underscore the Queen's deteriorating grasp on reality, has recovered a top secret list of instructions (penned in the shaky hand of HRM herself) to the gang of shiftless chavs who run the freshly-christened Windsor McDonald's. Natch, we've provided the instructions below, for your general amusement:

AN ITEMIZED LIST OF INSTRUCTIONS REQUIRED BY US, THE QUEEN, SHOULD WE EXPERIENCE AN UNPREMEDITATED LATE NIGHT BIG MAC ATTACK:

1. The Queen should not desire to be super-sized, ever. Nor should HRM suffer being asked.
2. The Queen does not wish to "holler" into the mouth of a clown. Management will hastily find a more dignified alternative.
3. The Queen reserves the privilege of rejecting as unsuitable any toy she receives in her Happy Meal.
4. The Queen, being The Queen, is hereby not required to make a purchase in order to be granted access to the lavatory.
5. Should it come to The Queen's attention that an anti-monarchist chav has imprudently added their spittle to Her Fillet-o-Fish, said chav shall be swiftly and ruthlessly executed.
6. The Queen does not care for those molten lava hot pockets loosely named "apple pie."
7. The Queen hereby requires the Windsor McDonald's to develop McYorkshire McPudding, Happy Haggis, McBoiled McCabbage and Beef Wellington McMorsels.
8. The Queen considers it beneath the Crown to ever ingest (much less digest) anything called a McNugget.
9. To save all parties involved any potential mortification, The Queen does not want "fries with that shake."
10. The Queen requires all employees of the Windsor McDonald's to curtsy whenever passing HRM's chip fryer.
11. The Queen distrusts the mascot, one Mr. Ronald McDonald. HRM's secret service has orders to dispatch of the disquieting individual should he approach the royal procession.
12. The Queen is not the least bit interested in swallowing "special sauce" of any kind, ever. Just ask Phillip.

Bend Over, Pole Smokers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue!!

NEW YORK -- Fresh after lobbing the f-bomb (the one that rhymes with "truck," not "maggot") on live television—thereby scarring the delicate psyche of her New York audience and endangering her illustrious, booze-fueled career—butch anchornegress Sue Simmons took lemons and made some g*ddamned lemonade.

Since launching her niche-targeted specialty news magazine, the raunchy teleprompter reader has gained a small but rabidly loyal audience, all of whom think a "V-Chip" is an IUD. Here at COWA, we are proud once again to bring you an exclusive peek at the most recent telecast of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. As always, you're welcome in advance.

Wilkommen, pud-wankers! My name is Sue "muff-stuffin sphincter b*tch" Simmons, and this is the *ss-banging news:

• Those g*ddamned Bible boning goat f*ckers at The Westboro Baptist Church (the *ss-spelunking sh*twads who picket the c*cksucking funerals of dead f*cking soldiers) have announced they're going to load every fat-*ss tw*t in their inbred Jesus-humping family of retarded hillbilly f*ggots onto a g*ddamned bus so they can protest the d*ck-smoking memorial of that butt-f*cker George Carlin. They claim Mr. Carlin is currently being *ss-raped by beelzebub for his g*ddamned potty mouth.
• Oxycontin-addicted fat-*ss and Republican sp*rm-gargler Rush Limbaugh opened his c*ck-throating lard-hole to opine that fetus-f*cking Democrats enjoy "bending over and grabbing their ankles" for voters of the nappy-headed pick-a-ninny spear-chucking variety, and for b*tt-humping d*ck-banging f*ggots. Mr. Limbaugh, neocon c*m-dumpster and blubber-choked hophead, has used this g*ddamned anal analogy before, when in 2005 he accused baby-boning fart-felching RNC Chairman Ken "suck-me-til-I-ooze" Mehlman of "bending over and grabbing his ankles" when he offered an *ss-licking apology to the NAACP. It has become rather g*ddamned apparent that Rush "is-it-in-yet?" Limbaugh's sweaty mant*ts start lactating at the c*ck-smoking thought of dropping his sh*t-stained Dockers and getting plowed up the poo-chute by a size f*cking ten jizz-spewing negro trouser pony.
• Creepy g*ddamned midget Vern Troyer (aka "mini-f*cking-me") has released a nasty-*ss barf-inducing f*ck flick wherein his skanky c*nt-fisting ex uses the hideous g*ddamned oompa-loompa in much the same way that Buddhist f*ggot Richard "The Dalai-Lama-f*cked-me-in-the-*ss-and-all-I-got-was-this-g*ddamned-t-shirt" Gere used a sh*t stained gerbil back in the g*ddamned day.
• Widely adored fat-*ss and wealthy g*ddamned m*ff-fisting negress Oprah "sniff-me-where-I-poo" Winfrey grossed the f*ck out of everyone at Mandela's *ss-raping birthday party when she took off her stank-*ss shoes and pranced her fat f*cking *ss around barefoot. Cow-felching celebrities lost their g*ddamned $5,000 dinners at the butt-boning sight of Oprah's m*therfucking bunions, which where bigger than c*cksucking rhino scroti.
• D*ck smoking f*ggots and crack smoking g*ddamned celebrities creamed their f*cking jeans in Milan recently, when the Fashion World's top *ss-banging designers took a break from giving rusty f*cking trombones to anorexic heroin addicts to unveil their ugly-*ss men's 2009 summer collections. Alexander "finger-bang-my-butthole" McQueen showed the kind of "f*ck-me-in-the-*ss" silhouettes that appeal primarily to fart-felching Fire Island sphinter-f*ckers. Meanwhile, the "fist-me-til-I-fart" Prada show was all about a bunch of g*ddamned fairies mincing about dressed as nut-gargling *ss-bangers. Versace's line seemed aimed not only at discerning jizz-guzzling butt-lickers, but also sh*t-packing jetset c*ck-sitters.

We pause now for a c*nt-fisting word from our *ss-boning sponsor, Depends. Depends: for the wrinkle-*ss pants-pooping grandma on the g*ddamned go. Keep your butt-licking *sses parked, m*therf*ckers. We'll be right the f*ck back.

Pride Beat: With Bobby Trendy

HOLLYWOOD -- Hellosies! It is I, Bobby Trendy. The queen who was too over-the-top for Anna Nicole (the human gay pride parade float whose ample corpse I still gnaw on for sustenance). When I'm not slithering down the red carpet of every strip-mall grand opening in the valley or flouncing about my Burbank studio apartment in my latest tulle-and-sequin kimono, I think about gay homosexual menzes. And I also think about female gay homosexual menzes (aka lesbosies). Just the other day I was in a meeting with a major Hollywood producer, who for some reason requested that we meet in the vacant lot behind the Jiffy Lube on LaBrea (I was there to pitch some reality show ideas, but as it turned out he did most of the pitching). When the meeting was over, and I was shout-wiping the grass stains from my glitter capris shorts, he handed me a $10 bill and a Tic-Tac and said "Happy Gay Pride."

It reminded me of that time Lance Bass told me I was the "Steppin Fetchit" of the gay community. Who's Steppin Fetchit? Is he like, famous?? So I got to thinking and I've decided that I, Bobby Trendy, will spread gay pride by talking about stuff that's really really gay.

• GAM-GAM'S NOT DOWN WITH MUFF MUNCHING: In the ferocious mecca of Reading PA, a sweet lil' grandma by the name of Joyce Y. Beddell returned from bingo to find her cheeky 16-year-old granddaughter in the throes of lesbianic ecstasy with another neighborhood teen. Gam-gam's screams made the girls stop playing "the double-donged scissor-queefing donkey punch game" after which the old gash nearly beat her grandchild to death with a cane and a belt. Granny Beddell sits in jail as we speak, copping an old-person 'tude all about her right to raise the nasty little bitch as she sees fit. Natch, Theodore Fritzl and Joan Crawford could say the same.
• MY GAY BRAIN: Some scientists menzies in Sweden took a break from eating herring and acting all blond to discover that homo menzes' noggins are similar to the noggins of hetero bitches. And female homo menzes' noggins (aka Lesbosians) are just like those of hetero menzes. While this gives some cred to folks who claim f*giosity is a trait (and not a "choice" as claimed by retarded fatties, aka Baptists), It came as no surprise to me, Bobby Trendy. When my horrified mother squeezed yours truly through her stink hole, I arrived with a pink-sequined placenta in tow (ALWAYS accessorize, bitches), singing selected highlights from "Cabaret." But does this mean that a bitch who's a lesbaru-driving mullet-wearer can have her brainsies transformed into a miata-driving showtune aficionado by offering her a sixpack and a joint? Oh! Let's try! NOT! LOL!!
• BOBBY TRENDY: GAY WEDDING PLANNER!! As much of you bitches know, I...Bobby Trendy...am the gayest person on EARTH who's not married to Katie Holmes. It may have also come to your attention that Cali-pansies are flocking by the oodles to get legally hitched in their break-neck race to the equality of divorce court. Always one to exploit a trend ("trendy" is my middle name) I have decided to offer my services as homo wedding planner. For inst: I'm pitching (LOL!!) my concept to George Takai (aka Star Trek's "Sulu") which involves Romulan go-go boys, Borg cater-waiters, and 800,000 yards of mauve tulle, all capped by a show-stopping interpretive dance by yours truly to the Star Trek theme, the climax of which entails moi inserting an "Enterprise" shaped dildo up my wormhole whilst spinning my sequined pasties in opposite directions.
• CATHY-LICKS HAVE THEIR PANTIES IN A BUNCH: A bunch of cathy-lick bitchips took a short break from sashaying around the Vatican in their FAAAAA-bulous silky caftans to make certain the world is quite sure of their position on homo nuptials: they don't care for them. The bitchips doubt that pansies are capable of unions that are "faithful, exclusive and lasting." After their statement, they swung some burning handbags around before withdrawing to their chambers to minister to supple young seminarians in a lesson they like to call "You Can't Spell 'Mass' without 'Ass': A Probe into Leviticus and Deuteronomy."

Aloha, *ss-Lickers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup With Sailor Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- As our faithful readership is well aware, a short while back New York's favorite Tourette's-afflicted teleprompter reader Sue Simmons got all potty-mouthed on live television, boisterously letting fly a word that starts with "F" and rhymes with "duck." After sobering up, the sapphic anchornegress apologized to her shocked viewers for offending the notoriously delicate sensibilities of New Yorkers. But in a startling career move, she has since begun broadcasting sporatic newscasts that are highly targeted to a very specific niche. Below, we proudly include the partial transcript of her latest edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. You're welcome.

Good evening, c*ck-smokers. I'm Sue "lick me where I pee" Simmons, and here's the g*ddamned news:

• Withered c*nt-licking b*ttwipe Hugh Hefner had a m*therf*cking birthday party last night, during which his skank-tastic donkey-f*cking girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson presented the 82-year-old whore magnet a g*ddamned chocolate mold of her sh*tty *sshole. The classy tw*t had her nasty-*ss buns molded in white f*cking chocolate, with a dollop of dark chocolate for her fist-f*cked sphincter. The Jurassic g*ddamned sperm hydrant devoured it enthusiastically, stuffing the c*nt-banging confection down his muff-grazing pie hole.
• M*therf*cking baboon-*ss Robert Mugabe took a break from eating hyena sh*t to call on his c*cksucking militia to wage war on his own g*ddamned people if he loses the fake-*ss butt-banging elections next month. This, after starving the sh*t-eating Zimbabweans who support his opponent, sending his rhino-f*cking goons after those who "voted the wrong g*ddamned way" in the first f*ggoty election, expelling all zebra-felching aid groups, and flushing his nation down the sh*thole. Reports of c*ck-sucking *ss-spelunking citizens being told the g*ddamned police will watch how they vote (and beat the f*cking sh*t out of them if they don't vote for that *ss-licking monkey-f*cker Mugabe) are common. At 180,000% inflation, dwindling g*ddamned food supplies, rampant f*cking starvation and a big-*ss mass exodus taking place, there isn't going to be a single m*therf*cker left to vote in the sh*t-sucking f*ggot-*ss election anyway.
• Last g*ddamned Friday, Mary Esther (some f*cking whore with a boner for Jesus) was walking with her two adorable pieces of c*nt plop across the *ss-banging parking lot of a cat-f*cking Target. All of a sudden, both she and her diaper-sh*tting scream machines were almost mowed the f*ck down by a f*ggot-ass PT Cruiser. Always the m*therf*cking Christian, muff-munchin' Mary approached the g*ddamned driver to inform her that they were all right, no f*cking thanks to her. The sphincter-sucking whore behind the wheel squeezed out of the car and called Mary the "B" word. Ms. Esther, a baby-fisting fetus-f*cking Baptist, responded by handing the woman a flyer from her c*ck-sucking church. The rude driver reacted by yanking down her m*therf*cking stretch pants and wiping her stank-ass tw*t with the flyer before stuffing her fat *ss back into the car and speeding the f*ck away.
• A bunch of m*therf*cking journalism students from the f*ggot-*ss city of Copenhagen got their sh*tty asses kicked off of sit-on-my Facebook for posting g*ddamned pictures of themselves killing and eating a butt-f*cking kitty cat. As it turns out, the nut-gargling retards did it to raise c*nt-licking awareness of *ss-pumping animal cruelty. While that strikes this muff-banging reporter as slightly akin to f*cking to promote abstinence, the m*therf*cking students claimed that roast f*cking kitty cat au gratin is chewy and tastes like g*ddamned *ss.
• Today, President "If-I-was-any-g*ddamned-stupider-you'd-hafta-water-me-twice-a-week" Bush dragged his inebriated chain-smoking wife to the f*ggot-*ss Vatican for a meeting with the butt-fisting Pope. While Laura was passed out in some f*cking fountain, the two men held hands and pranced about the g*ddamned grounds, each finding some c*nt-licking common ground in the f*cking fact that they're both doing all the f*ck they can to speed the end of the g*ddamned world.

We pause now for an *ss-munching word from the m*therf*ckers at Playtex, who want every skanky b*tch to cram their g*ddamned tampons up their tw*ts. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, butt-f*ckers.

Yo, F*ck-wads! It's Time Again for the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- A while back, Tourettes-afflicted anchornegress Sue Simmons, having lobbed the "F" word at her deeply traumatized audience of prim New Yorkers, seemed to have experienced an irreparable career implosion. However, in a daring career move, the once-adored closeted lesbian launched a demographically targeted news broadcast that best suited her talents as a teleprompter reader.

The results were spectacular.

Therefore, due to popular demand, we proudly present another edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue Simmons. No need to thank us:

Good evening, *ss-lickers. I'm Sue m*ther-f*cking Simmons, and this is the g*ddamned news.

• Today, Naomi c*nt-face Campbell was charged at g*ddamned airport court for slapping the m*therf*cking sh*t out of two f*ggoty cops. The f*cking altercation arose in April when some d*ke stewardess told Ms. f*ck-me-in-the-*ss Campbell that her c*cksucking luggage hadn't made it onto the g*ddamned plane. The *ss-felching, fire breathing c*nt threw a f*cking sh*t fit and had her tw*t thrown off the *ss-f*cking aircraft by her b*tch-*ss pubes. The statuesque c*nt-muncher faces a possible six months in m*therf*cking prison, where her new-found mopping skills just might help a tw*t avoid getting fisted up her sh*tty *ss by a lesbo d*ke cellmate.
• The g*ddamned ch*nks in China got sand up their horizontal c*nts because of another horizontal c*nt by the name of Sharon p*ss-up-my-poo-hole Stone. Ms. look-at-my-ancient-tw*t Stone had opined that the *ss-licking earthquake that buried more c*cksucking ch*nk babies than Chairman needle-c*ck Mao, was karmic m*therf*cking payback for smacking around the g*ddamned f*ggot-*ss Tibetan monks like a bunch of c*nt-licking three dollar whores who "no like sucky." The ch*nk-*ss Chinese Government has reacted by banning Ms. saggy-tw*t Stone's films, adding m*therf*cking insult to g*ddamned injury by depriving the *sshole ch*nks the butt-f*cking pleasures of "Basic F*ggoty Instinct 2."
• Today at the d*ck-smoking corporate headquarters of Bear lick-me-where-I-sh*t Stearns, a fat-*ss f*ggoty c*nt by the name of James "oops-I-just-f*cked-15,000-employees-up-the-butt" Cayne, erstwhile chairman and current douchebag, said "I'm sorry." Then he gave the m*therf*cking keys to J f*cking P f*cking Morgan f*cking Chase. Cayne, a tw*t banging troll, has grown to look a lot like Rumple-f*cking-stilskin, except instead of spinning g*ddamned straw into m*therf*cking gold, the withered old c*cksucker discovered a g*ddamned way to reverse the f*cking process.
• All the g*ddamned stars in the m*therf*cking heavens were out in full c*nt-chomping glory at Radio Sh*tty Music Hall the other g*ddamned night for the fart-felching premier of "Sex in the screw-me-where-I-poo City." Cynthia "D*ke-puncher" Nixon, Kim "Cum-Gargler" Cattral, Kristin "Please-punch-me-in-the-face-until-I'm-f*cking-dead" Davis, and Sarah *ssica C*ntica Tw*tica Puker were all on hand to celebrate the *ss-humping feel-good movie of the g*ddamned year, the flick that teaches our little *ss-licking girls how to dress like c*cksucking whores and f*ck every man with a g*ddamned penis crammed in his sh*t stained GI Joe underoos.

We'll be back in a g*ddamned minute after this cl*t-sucking word from FLOMAX. The g*ddamned pill for the m*therf*cking f*ggot who's too g*ddamned old to pee. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, c*cksuckers.

President Bush Speaks Out On Scott "Doo-doo-head" McClellan's Rude Book o' Fibs

*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

My fellow Americans. As God's favorite nation sits a-teeterin' on that abyss thingy, what with twisters tossin mobile homes round like those numbered ping pong balls on the mega-million power ball drawing, and stuff happening like those folks in Iranistan gettin all nuk-ya-ler; not to mention the dollar tankin faster than Pickles after her fifth xanatini and the killy explode-y stuff goin on in Sadder City as part of "Operation Enduring Oops," in our continuating effort to snatch defeat from the jaws of ickiness. Today, just two days after acting sad about Jim-Bob Lunchmeat takin a dirt nap at Arlington after soakin up shrapnel in the dazzling outskirts of Tikrit, and just a week after givin away the pretty twin at our down-home "hump 'er legal now, Goober" barn dance and weenie roast, I just wanted to concentratify on makin sure ol' John "Keating 5" McCain gets electificated come November. Infortunately, I gotta talk to you press folks to rebut (heh-heh...I said "butt") Saggytits McClellan's fibby book of rude fibs. And stuff.

First, Scotty's the kinda fat-ass short-fingered momma's boy me and my frat brothers used to give a purple nurple to after he lost the pledge week soggy biscuit contest. Then we'd all snort some booger sugar off some wasted sorority bitch's boob before having a hilarious lights-out game of grab ass. But enough reminiscifying. I had Pickles read me his book thingy (until she started seeing unicorns and passed out in a puddle of her nicotine stained drool) and he done written stuff that makes a fella wonder what crawled up in his vagina and croaked.

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
--George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

Like for instance he says things like me, the decider, decided to "turn away from candor and honesty when those qualities were most needed." Well excuse me, Little Miss Uppity McLardass. As president it's my job to presidenticate. I'm the boss, buckaroo. That means I don't gotta listen to stuff that makes me think stuff. Nor am I oblimated to listen to stuff I don't understand good. He also says mean stuff about Congo-Lesbo Rice and Karl "Turd blossom" Rove and how we made up some propergander about Sadam and Osama givin each other crabs while riding each other like camels on a pile of yeller cake. But worst of all, he says that I fed him fibs to tell the press about how Scooter and Turdy had a circle jerk with Novak and that skirt from the Times to expose some snotty spy broad with legs up to her tits. Well, duh! If a feller don't know he's fibbin, then he just guessifying. Like that one time I guessified New Orleans negroes could swim.

Well I got a message for you, Scotty O'Mantits McFag: you weren't no prize yourself. Every time you gave one of them briefings you sweated and stammered like Foley at a Boy Scout Jamboree. If my administrication was all about wrappin poo up in shiny paper and convincing the stupid publick it's Russell-Stovers, you sure never got the hang of it. Sit on that and spin, butt-wipe.

Thank you, and may God blessify America.

"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."
--George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008 (WAM: He really does want to be the last president)

Family Fun Time With Beverly LaHaye

Dear fellow brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ:

Good morning! Doesn't it seem as if all those rude news people can talk about is earthquakes and Hillary Clinton and cyclones and homosexuals? Wouldn't you like some good news for a change? I thought so. That is why I, Beverly LaHaye (founder of Concerned Women for America, denture-wearer) have taken a break from hurling dead fetuses at those harlots traipsing in and out of Planned Parenthood to bring you a smattering of Godly, family-focused news that the homosexual Jewish conspiracy doesn't want you to hear. Glory!

• DOOMSDAY AVERTED: Back in November, apparently in reaction to the fact that Jesus' favorite nation appears likely to be led by either an uppity negro or a crabby lesbian, a Russkie by the name of Father Pyotr (honestly, why can't these foreigners talk American like Jesus?) convinced three dozen folks that the world was about to end. So they all dug a tunnel into the dirt and sat there to wait. This is patently un-Christian, as sitting in a mass grave is hardly the sort of P.R. Jesus prefers. Besides, us righteous folks will be yanked skyward into the swarthy bosom of God when The End of Times commences. I don't recommend waiting in a cave. I've personally had break-away ceilings installed in my house in case The Rapture occurs whilst I'm at home reading the Bible or painting fresh "Die Fags Die" posters. Long story short, after a few cave-ins and deaths, they have finally re-emerged, begrudgingly admitting that Judgement Day isn't quite as imminent as they had hoped. Life is full of disappointments, isn't it? Praise!
• GETTING ALL "OLD TESTAMENT" ON YOUR FANNIES: Whilst enjoying a lovely father-son camping trip in Colorado, Jack Berry told his son Jeremiah that God told him that he had to be a good son and get a sex change so that his Daddy could marry him. To prove his point, he followed God's instructions by not sparing the rod, and did that thing to his son's fanny that makes the baby Jesus barf. His son, apparently possessed by beelzebub, rudely broke that "honor thy father" commandment by acting stabby with him (presumably on his own, without the benefit of divine instructions), after which he fed his daddy's noggin to a coyote. Now, as the Bible teaches us, sometimes God tells us to do stuff we don't like, such as being nice to people or caring about the poor. A true Christian would have just  gritted his teeth and taken one up his Leviticus hole while thinking of his favorite psalm. Elsewhere in Colorado, the time has come again for the Daddy-Girl chastity sock-hop, wherein Christian men get married to their daughters, who pledge never to let a boy near their filthy bits. While this does sound a little bit incestuous, remember the Bible has no problem with a little wholesome family fun. This is particularly true in the Old Testament (the Jewishest of the Testaments, by the by), where families used to amuse themselves in the oddest ways (remember, this was before Scattergories). As long as there's no homo shenanigans in the mix, God is fine with it. Glory!
• YOUR HELL-BOUND CHILDREN: Although Jesus hates it when a woman lets one of satan's doctors hoover a womb booger from her sin hole, he has very little objection to killing them once they've popped out. In fact, the Bible is chock full of baby slaughter. Why? Because children are sassy. Take for instance the story of a 7-year-old from the phallic (and therefore hell-bound) state of Florida, who beat up his grandmother in the middle of a Wal-Mart for refusing to buy him chicken wings. Although I can sympathize (those Wal-Mart wings are to DIE for), it's hardly acceptable behavior. One does not punch out gam-gam in public! How refreshing, then, to hear of a Godly family of Nigerian negros who wisely pre-emptively addressed sassy child syndrome by cutting out their childrens' tongues and safety pinning their yaps shut. It reminds me of the godly Mrs. Lynne Paddock of North Carolina who, following the instructions she found on Michael and Debi Pearl's Jesus-tastic parenting advice site www.nogreaterjoy.com, beat her tantrum-prone four-year-old to death with plumbing supplies. Of course the Nigerian negros and Mrs. Paddock are currently violating Deuteronomy with crack dealers in maximum security. That's what happens when one removes the Ten Commandments from the courthouse. Praise!
• REPUBLICAN KNEE-SLAPPERS: Although Mary unwisely chose to ride a donkey into Bethlehem rather than an elephant (much less an armored Humvee; they were in the volatile Middle East, after all), it has been long established that Jesus is a red-blooded, fig tree cursing Republican. In spite of the fact that the Son of God had inconvenient things to say about healing the sick and the meek inheriting things, any student of the Bible knows he's really on the side of corporate interests, tax shelters, and pre-emptive war. Unfortunately, somehow the GOP has gained a reputation as a grim cabal of humorless good-ol-boy stick-in-the-muds. Why, when our Republican politicians aren't ministering to randy salesmen in airport mens rooms or fellating lobbyists, they're truly a bunch of cut-ups. For instance, over the weekend, John "Keating 5" McCain took a break from honoring his pill-popping beer heiress wife by calling her a c*nt and appeared on that show the youngsters are talking about, Saturday Night Live. After reading some hilarious cue cards (and, unfortch, singing Streisand), polls show that young voters found him slightly less cadaver-like and creepy. Just two days earlier, Mike "Sheckie" Hukabee cracked a side-splitting off-the-cuff joke about a certain uppity negro candidate being assassinated. Heavens! I laughed so hard I spit a mouthful of half-masticated malomars across the room! Glory!

Hey, M*******ckers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue!

NEW YORK -- When Tourettes-afflicted news reader Sue Simmons recently dropped the F-bomb during a live broadcast, she unwittingly stumbled upon a heretofore untapped niche: potty mouth journalism. Although she has since performed her "oops, I'm sorry" tapdance, plans are currently underway for the veteran anchor negress to host her own, highly-targeted newscast: The @#!&% News Roundup.

As one might guess, our network of morally-bereft spies was able to smuggle the teleprompter copy for your general amusement. You're welcome.

Good evening, m*therf*ckers. I'm Sue Simmons. Here's the g*dd*mned news:

• A fat-*ss f*ckwad in Florida by the sh*tty name of Bob Hezzelwood was given a g*d d*mned ticket for wearing a c*cksucking speedo on the f*cking beach. Although a cow-f*cking *ss-licking judge threw the c*nt banging case out, Mr. Hezzelwood has filed an *ss-humping tw*t-licking lawsuit against the butt-f*cker who arrested him, violating his g*d-d*mned right to make other beach goers puke their m*therf*cking guts out at the sight of his nasty-*ss c*ck crammed into his f*ggoty banana hammock.
• In the f*ggot-*ss nation of Great f*cking Britain, an *ss-licking retard by the b*tch-*ss name of Dougal Thorn has been arrested on c*ck-sucking charges of animal f*cking cruelty. It seems the bloody-*ss d*ck smoker got p*ssed off at his c*nt-spelunking d*ke neighbor's kitty cat. So he punched the g*d-d*mned sh*t-eating homo kitty cat in the m*ther-f*cking head and tossed it in the c*cksucking river. He got his tw*t in a knot cause the *ss-hole cat "looked pleased" when it knocked over a c*nt-fisting vase. His neighbor, a m*ther-f*cking whore named Sarah Booker, should stop her g*d-d*mned b*tching and clear the sand from her c*nt, as it's been a tw*t-banging coon's age since she had her m*therf*cking p*ssy punched.
• The g*d-d*mned *ss-hole Tony Nominations have been announced. Leading the m*therf*cking pack is "In the Heights," a c*cksucking musical about a bunch of *ss-f*cking sp*cs singing and dancing like a bunch of g*d-d*mned f*ggots. "The Little f*cking Mermaid," Disney's g*d-d*mned musical about a b*tch-*ss girl doesn't have a tw*t cause she's m*therf*cking fish, was largely snubbed. Patty d*ck-sucking Lupone was nominated for best c*nt-licking actress for her work in the f*ck-me-in-the-*ss revival of "Gypsy". Nominees for best *ss-licking revival included "South f*cking Pacific," "Sunday in the g*d-d*mned Park with f*ggot-*ss George" and "Mac-f*cking-Beth."

We pause now for a f*cking word from our *ss-licking g*d-d*mned sponsors. So keep your c*nty-*ss butts planted in your c*cksucking f*ggoty couch, and we'll be right the f*ck back, m*therf*ckers.

China to Make Duper-Super Happy Talk With Frowny-Sad Dalai Lama Peoples!

Si Ton Dong, CHINA -- Herro, and a duper-super Monday day to China-loving world peoples! Yesterday the happy good non-corrupt government official persons to make chatty time with belligerent representatives of frowny poop-eating Dalai Lama.

This is to showing how China likes to pretend it have super-big boner for peace!

Berow, we are provide the minutes from chatty-meet.

Now ugly sad western media peoples to shut yaps. We extra human lights is now. Fun!

You come orympics now, okay?

MINUTES FROM MEETING TO MAKE HAPPY TALK WITH DALAI LAMA PEOPLES

• Non-corrupt Chinese official (Sum Dum Pu) say hello and make bow. Dalai Lama peoples say hello and make bow. Sum Dum Pu make bow back. Dalai Lama peoples make bow back again. Sum Dum Pu make bow and say for Dalai Lama peoples to sit. Dalai Lama peoples make bow and say for Sum Dum Pu to sit. Sum Dum Pu make bow and say "after you." Dalai Lama peoples make bow and say "you first." Chinese guard person make pointy-gun at Dalai Lama peoples. Dalai Lama peoples sit. Ha! That be two point for us, sucker!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu make tiny talk for to asking "how is your visit to lucky fun China?" Dalai Lama peoples are to saying "is lucky-good but air is brown and smell like yak butt."
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make generous offer of pop-soda to Dalai Lama peoples. Before we give Coke, we play joke by go pee-pee in it. Funny laugh!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu is to making waggy-finger frowny-face to say "Why Dalai Lama wear lady-dress? Why he to play Yahtzee with Nancy Pelosi? Why he get unlucky award from homosex Frenchy peoples?"
• Dalai Lama peoples to say shouty smelly Tibet peoples only to wanting peace. Then Dalai Lama peoples is ask if we to have some poop for them to eating it.
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make waggy-finger angry face to tell Dalai Lama peoples for to stop saying China is making Tibetans do the silly funny cattle prod dance. Frowny Dalai Lama peoples to saying "why come happy laughing Chinese police peoples to making Tibet peoples doing silly funny cattle prod dance?" Sum Dum Pu make foot-stompy shouty sound that "Chinese Police peoples not make bald lady-dress Tibet peoples to doing silly funny cattle prod dance! Now you to closing your fat pie hole or we make YOU do silly funny cattle prod dance!"
• Dalai Lama peoples are smoking that and putting it in their pipe.
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to transform subject and ask Dalai Lama peoples if wanting to make dirty-sex with naughty fun booby-girlies. Dalai Lama peoples are to saying "no,thanks." Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make motion declaring Dalai Lama peoples to be lady-boy homo peoples. Laughy joke!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make fist bang-bang on tabletop and yelly sound: "China is duper-super Orympics! China peoples are to having yummy fun doggy-woof chow mein! We are to liking Miss Oryvia Fig-Newton-John-Travolta! Who Tibet peoples got? Hamster-in-fanny Richard Gere? Yelly Bjork lady who wear the birdy flu dress? Ha!"
• Dalai Lama peoples are liking them apples.
• Frowny-bad Dalai Lama peoples to say China not to having human lights. Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu make stompy-foot fisty-pound shouty-face: "China have human lights! You to stop say stuffs that China no have human lights! If you no stop to say China have no human lights, you go to jaily time with no trial!" I am to estimate we told him!
• Non-corrupt Chinese official person Sum Dum Pu make standing up, offer happy lucky gift-stuffs to poopy Dalai Lama peoples: lucky toothpaste, smiley face fun-toys, and silly fun panda poop orympic souvenirs!
• We go see happy fun show with dancy fat girlies in penguin suits! Yay!