Can O' Whup-Ass

My Day at the Zoo: A Poem by Mandy K

Over the weekend, animal enthusiast Mandy K had an educational encounter with a cute furry polar bear at the Berlin Zoo. Since then, she's had the opportunity to reflect on her experience while relaxing at a local hospital. The result? This charming poem, rescued from the hospital's hazardous waste bin.

MY DAY AT THE ZOO

Hey! Know what I wanna do?
Let's do what the latest rage is!
Let's go to the Berlin Zoo
And climb inside some critters cages!
Take a ride on Mr. Gnu
Ask hyena why he's laughing
Help a monkey throw his poo
Meet giraffes and go giraffing
Wait, what's that? Look over there!
Pinky-swear, I'd never fib! It
Looks like Mister Polar Bear
Is in that polar bear exhibit!
I just had the coolest whim,
Let's hop in while no one's lookin
Go kersplash and take a swim
And ask the fluffy one what's cookin?
Come along now! Whatcha say?
Polar Bears are cute! The neatest!
Hey, don't look at me that way,
You are always so defeatist!
Here goes nothin! Kowabunga!
Howdy, fella! Howzit hangin?
Whatcha feelin? Is it hunga?
Need some meat to sink your fang in?
Don't be growly, let's play nice
Say, you're looking kinda grouchy
Is it cause you miss the ice?
Hey, don't bite! That's sorta ouchy!
Friends don't turn friends into food!
Fine! I'm leaving! Gosh, almighty!
You really needn't be so rude!
Who knew Polar Bears were bite-y?

Mr. Polar Bear sez: "A subscription to this blog's feed is tastier than a fat kraut bitch's thigh!"

Kidz Korner: Celebrity Refrigerator Art, Part Deux

As you well know, the lives of celebrities are endlessly fascinating. We want to know what and who they're doing at every moment of the day. We want to know what drugs they're taking, what they're wearing, and what drugs they were taking when they decided to wear what they're wearing. We simply cannot go on without this crucial information. It is our heroin. And COWA is your Betty Ford Clinic. So check in, bitches.

Below, we have once again scored the ultimate star-f*cker's treasure. Our sociopathic network of ninja moles has tip-toed into the homes of the rich and famous and swiped whatever was tacked to their stainless steel sub-zeroes with kitschy fruit-shaped magnets. The yield? Another collection of art created by a group of talented-by-proxy celebu-tots who give us endless hours of entertainment as we terrorize them with paparazzi paragliding into their preschools.

Again, you're welcome.

 

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Eavesdropper: Suri's Heart-to-Heart With Her New Scientolo-dolly!

TELLURIDE -- Given her existence as the world's cutest fashion accessory, frequently paraded about and displayed as irrefutable evidence of her daddy's heterosexuality, be-wigged pixie Suri Cruise has matured remarkably fast for an earthling (but right on schedule for a lizard baby from Altair 4, an ammonia-choked planet in Andromeda).

Here, the adorable moppet (her peaches-and-cream humanoid skin-suit nicely covering her scales) is having a heart-to-heart with her new Scientolo-doll as she lays down the fat and the skinny with respect to what it takes to be a productive, tolerated member of the TomKat household (fondly dubbed "Xenudu" by her showtune afficionado daddy).

And, natch, our ruthless cadre of covert spies resourcefully concealed a microphone up the doll's shame hole and transcribed the entire thing. Don't mention it, it's our pleasure.

SURI: Hi, dolly. My earth name is Suri and I am your mommy. Earth mommies have dirty brains cause they have to spend 10 hours a day getting them washed at the scary place, so get used to being left alone, got that? First thing we have to do is get you a baby wig. Next, you have to remember the rules. Number one: when daddy is in his bedroom with the pool boy and they're playing a loud game called "bronco-busting butt rodeo" that means you can't walk in on them or else daddy might fall over and his pee-pee might get accidentally stuck in pool boy's poo hole, which makes pool boy scream "Yee-haw! Eff me in the A, Daddy! Oh God!!" and Daddy will get upset and put you in the "bad cage." And if a scary fat negro lady visits with a pet lesbian on a leash and she makes everyone bow and make offerings to The Great and Powerful O, don't try to pick up her scent by flicking your tongue at her, or Daddy will stop jumping on the sofa and put you in the "bad cage." And when you're having breakfast and you pour some lizard milk over your bowl of crunchy thetans, don't let them get soggy or daddy will make you drink some of Jenna Elfman's pee-pee and then he'll put you in the "bad cage." And if a scary fat witch named Curse-y Allie comes over for dinner and sad Mommy serves the main course, don't say "Placenta again??" or sad Mommy will start to cry and Daddy will make you sit on the "ouchy stool" and then he'll put you in the "bad cage." And if we go to visit our friend Shiloh and you open all the cages in the baby zoo so you can play "baby roulette", don't tell Zahara that Mommies have babies when Sleestaks tie the them to a table and put lizards in their tummies, or Zahara will be a tattle-tale and Daddy will make you sit on the "ouchy stool" and put you in the "bad cage." Got that? Now it's time to take off your head and fill it with cat poo. In this house, we call that "auditing." It won't hurt a bit... 

Tom sez: "Only a pre-clear wouldn't subscribe to this blog's feed"

Kidz Korner: Celebrity Refrigerator Art

We here at COWA, ever-striving to provide exclusive glimpses into the retarded lives of insufferable celebrities, have scored the ultimate coups. Below, we provide examples of the artistic endeavors of a smattering of spectacularly maladjusted celebu-tots, previously affixed to the world's most famous refrigerators (until our ruthless band of covert operatives rudely ripped them down and FedExed them to our home office).

You're welcome.

Kidz Korner with Dannielynn Smith!

Hi. My name is Dannielynn Smith. I am almost two. My mommy named me after my brother who died from a drug overdose. Then my mommy died of a drug overdose. I live with the blond guy who plays a game called "the naked cowboy ass-sex rodeo" with my mommy's attorney. The blond guy says he's my daddy cause he's the one who got my mommy all pregnant when she was passed out from a drug overdose. At least that's what the doctor man said after testing the DNA of all 5,852 men who said they did the hippity dippity with my mommy when she was passed out from a drug overdose.

My daddy is funny. Like when he invited The Insider to follow us to the Bahamas so they could take pictures of me filling my diaper on the patch of grass where my overdosed mommy is taking her dirt nap. He said he did that cause "baby needs a new pair of shoes." But when the shoes came, they were from Ferragamo and they fitted my daddy.

Last week Daddy bought some of my dirt napping mommy's used underpants. He told the peoples with the cameras that he bought them for me. I wish he just got me a dolly. But I have fun using mommy's panties to build a fort in daddy's leather dungeon. I like playing there. Daddy has funny swings and toys shaped like negro pee-pees. He says they are grown up toys. Like his game of Twister that's all sticky and slippery.

Daddy calls me his favorite lil' moneymaker. One time he told me he's got another moneymaker. I thought he meant he had another baby. I asked my daddy where he keeps his other moneymaker, and he told me he's sitting on it. I hope he's not sitting on a baby!

Sometimes I get sad. But that's when I think of all the funny things kidz can do!

• SILLY PILLS MAKE KIDZ DO THE DARNEDEST THINGS: There's a funny kindergarten in Texas where the teachers give the kids "silly pills" (the kind my mommy got all overdosed on) so they could put on some funny plays for naked grown ups. Some of the funny plays included "naughty hokey pokey" and "I can fit that in my oopsie hole."
• MIND YOUR MANNERS OR MOMMY WILL EAT YOU: One day God told a lady that if her naughty sons refused to be good, then maybe they could at least taste good. So she tied them up and cut off their sassiest pieces, and the rest of the family had some yummy fondue! Yay!
• YOU REALLY CAN GET EVERYTHING AT WAL-MART: Once upon a time there was a mommy who got tired of looking at her baby. So she tacked a note to its back and tossed it into a discount bin at America's largest retailer! My daddy says that if the mommy really wanted a better life for her baby she woulda left it at Barney's.
• TART UP YOUR BABY: There's a place called England where they have animals like unicorns and chavs and yobs. A mean old lady has all the money and she uses it to buy scary hats. They also have places where you can have your baby tarted up like a common harlot. Maybe they do that so they can get more for them when they sell them at Herrods.   

Kidz Korner with Pax Jolie-Pitt!

Hi. My name is Pax (as in "that lady with the big boobs shops for ethno-tots in smelly countries and pax them in her luggage"). One day I was squatting in a dirt room with 753 other kids in a place called the Nike Factory orphanage and a lady with scary puffy lips and big sunglasses came in. She said "ew gross" and held her nose. She pointed at me and said "he matches my dress." Then she wrote a check and I went to live with her so I could be her pet.

I live with Mommy's other pets in her baby zoo. I like it here. There's a brown girl who acts all bossy and has funny hair. There's a white girl who's sad because mommy hates her. We live in fun cages. Sometimes I see a doggie and I bite it. "Woof-woof-yum!!" I say. But Mommy says we can't eat doggies at her baby zoo. Sometimes a scary girl named Suri comes to play. She wears a skin suit to hide her green scales. She tells funny stories about her daddy and his friend Buttsteak LaRue, who's a cowboy that rides her daddy like a horsie and puts naughty things in his fanny.

My Mommy and my Daddy like to look in their mirrors. They like to stand like statues in the living room. Every day they let us out of our cages to look at them standing like statues. Then they make us vote on who's more "gorgeous." If we don't vote for Mommy she makes us sit on the ouchy stool. We get bored in the baby zoo. Sometimes we're sad. So I decided to find fun stuff for kids to do! Yay!

• MORE-MOMS FUN CAMP! Some kids get to live in a fun camp where they have 84 mommies and one daddy. They call themselves "More-moms." And sometimes the sad girls have to play a game called "if you let grandpa put his shame hose in your oopsie hole you get a lollipop." And sometimes they teach the sad boys how to play "lasso the girls and pretend they're cows." Then they all sit around and drink milk and make macaroni art to send to some scary people called Osmonds. Then they drink more milk and cry.   
• BABY FIGHTS! There's a place called England where people poop on cakes and have black teeth. There's a club called the Chavs, who dress like clowns and act like donkeys. They like to put their babies in a ring and make them fight. They punch and cry and cry and punch so their mommies can get some money to buy more clown clothes. I think they do this so their babies won't grow up to be homo sissies. There's a mean old lady who lives in the biggest house in England. She wishes she made her son be in some baby fights when he was a baby.   
• DADDY'S PEE-PEE GAME: Sometimes daddies drink beers and it makes them get all sad so they go pee-pee on a baby. Then their mommy gets yelly and Daddy has to sleep in a cage like in the baby zoo, except they share their cage with a bad man who puts naughty things in the daddy's fanny and it makes daddy sadder cause it feels like he's sitting on an ouchy stool.
• WHO IS THAT SCARY SKINNY LADY AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH MY FAT UGLY MOMMY? One time when Mommy and Daddy were standing like statues and making us play "vote on who's more gorgeous," we all voted for Daddy. That's cause Mommy was bloated and had a zit on her chin. And face it, my Daddy's a hunka-licious slab of mansteak. Mommy got mad and told us that some kids have fat ugly mommies with small boobs and big noses. She told us to think about that while we sat on the ouchy stool. But sometimes fat ugly mommies pay a doctor to cut off their big noses and stab their boobs until they're big enough for boys to like them. Then they give a fun book to their kids so they won't be scared of their new pretty mommy who can't stop smiling even when she's punishing them by making them sit on the ouchy stool.
• BIBLE SCHOOL CUT-N-PASTE CRAFT DAY! There's a nice man in Florida who lives in his mommy's basement and teaches boys and girls about Jesus in Bible school. They play lots of fun games. His favorite game is called "Let's take pictures of the kids and paste their faces on pictures of sad naked ladies in magazines!" But now the naked sad ladies look happy because their faces look like happy kids! And we learn that Jesus makes sad ladies happy! But now the nice man is sad because he's sitting in a cage.

Kidz Korner with Suri Cruise!

Hi. My name is Suri (as in "sure he's the father?") Cruise (as in "Daddy's not here, Suri. He's Cruising Santa Monica Boulevard"). Sometimes it's hard to be a kid. Like when Daddy sends Mommy to the Scientology place so lizard aliens can put babies in her tummy. Then Daddy invites pool boy to his bedroom to play a game called "The Hippy Slippy Sausage Dance." They say it's a secret and if I tell Mommy he'll sell me to a fat witch called Curse-y Allie who will put me in an oven and eat me like hansel and gretel. Oh, and sometimes they make me have play time with a nasty baby called Shiloh. Shiloh is sad because her mommy doesn't like her. But Shiloh has a funny zoo in her basement. The animals look like negro dollies. They are Shiloh's pets. Sometimes they cry. And sometimes their Mommy takes them for a walk if they match her dress.

So I decided to look for fun things kids can do when their Daddy is playing naked rodeo with a cowboy named Buttsteak LaRue, or if Mommy's gone shopping for new babies in Malawi. And I found oodles and oodles of fun games and toys!

• HIDE THE NOGGIN: There's a place called Scotland where Daddies wear dresses and really really really like riding bikes. Sometimes they like to rip out a sheep's tummy and cut its heart into itsy bitsy pieces and put them in its stomach and boil its face off. Then they cook it into yummy food! It's like Little Bo Peep! Daddy says it tastes like something called placenta that falls on the floor when babies slide down Mommy's icky-hole. And sometimes the kids play a fun game called "hide the noggin." That's when you take a person's noggin and put it in a bag and hide it. Then a kid finds it and wins! Yay!
• SILLY KILLY PUPPET SHOWS: My Mommy says there's a place called Palace-time.  It's a place where Daddies wear dresses and put funny table cloths on their noggins. And kids get to wear ker-pow clothes under their coats that go KER-POW! After that, they go to a place with lots of toys. And they also have Silly Killy Puppet Shows on TV! One show had a kid-puppet play stabby fun knife game with man-puppet called Mean Mister Bush! Oh and one time they play "let's cut off noggin of mickey mouse" game. That's silly!! I wish Sesame Street was killier. Cookie Monster could shank Elmo. Elmo has it coming.
• MISS BIMBO: There's a place called England where grown-ups bet on baby-fights and put poo on their cakes. But don't be sad, they have a really fun game! It's called Miss Bimbo. It teaches little girls everything they need to know. Like if you throw up after eating your froot loops and get a fun bouncy toy called a "boob job", maybe a rich boy will like you. But only if you put out.
• ZIPPY ZAPPY FUN SCHOOL: Sometimes a kid acts like a retard, so his mommy and daddy take him to a doctor who says the kid has a disease called Odd-ism. Then the kid gets packed off to a funny school where they get hooked up to wires and the teachers shock them when they act too odd. Yippee!
• BIBLE MAN: Most boys like to play in the mud and shoot bb guns at kitty cats. But some boys like to wear purple scarves and lip-sync to Beyonce and play with Barbie dolls. And sometimes when a Mommy or Daddy sees their boy playing with a Barbie doll they think their boy has naughty thoughts about fannies and is going to hell. That's why there's a new toy called Bible Man! He has a Sword of Spirit and a Belt of Truth! And he's really muscle-y with bluge-y arms and a basket of serpents in his purple underoos! If anything can de-sissify your fairy-boy son, Bible Man can!!