They bankroll proposition 8 for the purpose of defining marriage between one man and one woman (which presumably means they only allow their bitches out of the wife kennel one at a time). And the grounds surrounding Salt Lake City's LDS Temple has become the go-to place for a dude who wants to tongue-wrestle with a randy homosexual; the Mormons' recent harassment of a homo couple smooching on their grounds has resulted in an ever-growing "let's embarrass the Mormons by staging a big gay kiss-in" meme.
Ever since a Catskill hillbilly named Joe Smith dug up golden book that only he could read (a book which depicts Jesus having pow-wows with indians, and tells us God is going to make us eat our own arms), the Latter Day Saints have experienced growing PR issues. In the 1970's, they very nearly overcame said issues by unleashing Donnie and Marie Osmond, whose retarded 70's variety show included lively disco pairs skating routines, slightly icky bro-on-sis flirtations and repeated insistence that they're "a little bit rock and roll" (despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary). Additionally, the Mormon's recent efforts to erect fresh wife kennels in Mexico hasn't gone as smoothly as they'd hoped.
Enter the "Mormon's Exposed" calendar, now proudly enjoying its third year (see our reviews of the first two editions here and here). Yes, those milk-swilling slabs of boner-tastic Latter Day ass-meat are back, proudly exposing their nipples and biceps in an effort to improve their image. True, in the past you might have grabbed a shotgun and hid behind the couch at the sight of these boys mincing up your walkway, Books of Mormon in-hand. But after swooning for twelve short months at the sight of their supple young bodies, you'll invite them inside to discuss Moroni, gladiator films, and that titillating passage of Isaiah 3:17 wherein God "discovers our secret parts."
So without further ado, meat a few of these ass-tastic morsels of polyga-riffic butt-steak!
MEAT CHRIS: Representing the steamy dog days of August, Chris turns the fire in our loins up to "eleven" with his naughty pout and his Mrs. Beasley bowl-cut hairdo. Chris has been enchanting the Amazonian natives of Peru with hilarious stories from the BoM about how God gave injuns dark skin and made them stinky because they didn't believe in Jesus. "After all" he'd quip, "That's why the Incas were stinkas!" Chris spent a good deal of his time in Peru personally ministering to a virile indigenous hunter in the privacy of his leaf hut, and judging from the guttural moans and cries of "Oh God!" that echoed throughout the Andes, Chris and his beloved chief filled each other with the spirit at least twice a night. Stick a fork in this plump specimen of man sausage. Does juice squirt out? Serve him up!
FAVE OSMOND TUNE: "One bad apple"
TURN-ONS:Zac Effron, jock straps, exotic oils
TURN-OFFS: Gluttony, discount bins, vaginas
SLAP SKIN WITH JORDAN:We can all say "thanks" to Jordan for "giving" us a slurp-a-licious November! Jordan's buffed and waxed bod provides perfect camouflage for his mission in Fort Lauderdale, where the muscular menz seem eager to help him "plant his seed" (actual quote). As soon as he stepped off the bus in this superstitious Florida backwater, he quickly found that the beach side men's rooms provided just the sort of privacy for his unique brand of one-on-one ministry, during which time he developed callouses on his knees and lost his gag reflex. Hail! We dub this gladiator "Gluteus Maximus!" His Speedo banana hammock looks even better on our bedroom floor!
FAVE OSMOND TUNE: "Go Away Little Girl"
TURN-ONS: Dwayne Johnson, Kathy Griffin, a fabulously baked quiche
TURN-OFFS:Pride, unshaved scroti, vaginas
GIVE A "HEART ON" TO MATTHEW: Will he be your Valentine? You betcha, and you'll be salivating at the altar of Matthew throughout negro history month. The divine miss M spent his mission in Namibia and South Africa, teaching the orphans how to be cute enough for Madonna's growing African Baby Zoo, and forcing the Malaria-stricken populace to learn how to vogue. He recalls many long hours hunting with men from the village, who gave him many valuable tips on how to handle their spears (step one: face Utah and grab your ankles). His time on the dark continent also taught him a deep appreciation for dark meat, and inspired the locals to develop a new tribal motto: "If he talks about Moroni he will ride your chocolate pony." Slather this hunk-tastic boyburger in ketchup and stick him twixt your buns!
FAVE OSMOND TUNE: "Paper Roses"
TURN-ONS:Prada loafers, fresh pasta, Project Runway
TURN-OFFS:Lustful thoughts, uni-brows, vaginas
Joseph Smith sez: "Moroni told me to subscribe to this blog's feed"