Captain Eo, an incoherent 17-minute film by Francis Ford Coppola. It's about an effeminate Diana Ross impersonator who zig-zags across the galaxy shooting rainbows from his gloves, turning evil robots into be-mulleted Solid Gold dancers and zapping Coppola's career into oblivion.
Disney. Disney-Disney-Disney. We still believe our proposed "Lion King vs. Mary Poppins: A Spoonful o' Whup-Ass" is nothing short of inspired, but it's official. The mouse is out of ideas.
As if to prove our point, they've dusted off our favorite quartet of campy old bitches so they can have another go at it.
No, not the Beatles. The friggin Golden Girls. But since Sofia Petrillo and Dorothy Zbornak are currently bickering over bingo in the Hades branch of Shady Pines, the Disney folks have decided to put a new twist on it. The new Golden Girls will be in Spanish and set in Caracas.
Okay, okay. We admit it. That sounds totally hilarious. And although our Spanish is sketchy (we know how to curse and enquire as to the whereabouts of the nearest bathroom and/or library), we cannot wait to enjoy the exploits of Dorotea, Sofia, Roja y Blanca en español.
We already see endless plot opportunities. Here's a few off the top of our head:
- Roja Nyland gets duped into acting as a mule for a drug militia and swallows eighty condoms stuffed with crank. Later that evening, whilst attending a cock-fight at the senior center, the condoms burst in her belly and Roja (in a narcotic frenzy), throws herself into the ring and bites off the head of every last chicken. The girls, having wagered heavily on Roja, split their winnings and buy matching pastel sombreros.
- Dorotea starts dating Hugo Chavez. While discussing whether she should accept his invitation to go on a romantic cruise across Lake Titicaca, Roja tells one of her famous Santo Olafo stories, this one about how they used to stuff piñatas with herring. This prompts Blanca to bust out the bizcocho. Later, on the cruise, Chavez asks Dorotea to dress up like Fernando Lamas and strap on a dildo. Horrified, she dives overboard, swims ashore and encounters a tribe of Yanomamos who mistake her for a goddess. She directs them to overthrow the government, which ends in disaster when the natives are mistakenly machine gunned by Sofia, who, unbeknownst to the others, had fled to San Felipe to join the Socialist Party's citizen patrol.
- Whilst getting gang-banged by a mariachi band on La Isla Margarita, Blanca recognizes the trumpet player as her daughter Yolanda, with whom she'd been estranged since she underwent gender reassignment surgery and changed her name to Pepe. Dorotea, meanwhile, has learned that an orderly at Los Pinos Sombreados nursing home has turned Sofia over to the authorities after she was caught with a kilo of blow in her purse. To raise money for Sofia's bail, Dorotea, Roja, Blanca, (and her long lost trumpet-playing daughter son Pepe) stage a charity talent show. The showstopper: a tap-dance number to La Bamba. Guest star: Charo as Sofia's predatorial lesbian cell-mate.
We smell a hit.
Hugo Chavez sez: "Quiero mi suscripción to this blog's feed more than 'Las Ancianas de Oro'"