Can O' Whup-Ass

The Foxy News Channel: Keepin' it Rizzle fo Shizzle wif da A-Rod

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Check it, mo-fos. Dis be Foxy B, and a ho kickin it real from da boogie down Motel f*ckin 6 on da outskirts of Fort Lauderdale. A sistah gots to put in whatchoocall a court appearance cause a sassy beauty sto cashier git all up in Foxy's grill when she know a ho fro dat sh*t. I frode some hair gloo at her bitch-azz noggin. Now, ornidarily a bitch can git away wif dat shizzle. But dat be after I bust some ju-jitsu moves on some sassy Korean manicurisist hos fo gettin up a sistah's grill talkin bout "oooh, Foxy-san! You pay fo da tips!" Damn, dawg. Like to break my ferra-f*ckin-gamo heel up they azz. Respeck.

Yessa-dee a ho take a walk on da beach. Dayum, dawgs! Dis Lauderdale hood gots some fine-azz menzes! 'Cept they all gots those skimpy-azz speedos on and call each other "Mary." They be all "Mary can you put some o' dis sunscreen on my back?" and "Mary, where you git yo waxin did?" and "Mary, let's do some mef and play each other's rusty trombones." Foxy don't gots no idea what they talkin bout. A ho even hike up her titties and let a nipple pop froo, but those Mary dudes don't even look at a sistah. Those punks be racicistises, yo.

On da self improobmint tip, a sistah finish dat triflin Barbar shizzle. A ho like to pop a cap in dat f*ggoty elephant's azz. Now a bitch be readin bout a kat name Sam, who gots a creepy-azz stalker dude all up in his face talkin bout his plate of nasty green eggs and shizzle. "Wouldjoo eat dem in dat box? Yo, wouldjoo eat dis wif some fox?" Dat sh*t blow a sistah's m*therf*ckin mind, yo. Woo! Dat Sam bitch bettah run! Oooh, there he be agin! Don'tchoo eat dat green-azz meat, punk! Dat's off da hook, son.

On dis week's espizode of Foxy News Channel, a ho be spittin' some rizzle shizzle, bizzizzle. I gots me whatchoo call da escluxive inna-voo wif A-Rod, bitches. Check it, punks: 

FOXY BROWN: Somebody gimme a HO-ho!! Wooo, chile!! This be Foxy B, punks. And a sistah be sittin here in a locker room of Yazzankee Stazzadium, yo. Check dis, mo-fos. A ho be spittin some mad rhymes wif her boy Alex Rodriguez, who chills by his rap name A-Rod. Fist bump a sistah, punk.
A-ROD: Hello Foxy.
FB: Sup.
AR: Sup.
FB: Ooo, how come you gots a red string round yo lef wristisses? That to remind a brovah to spank a ho?
AR: Girl, this be a kabbalah string.
FB: Kabba-whozit?
AR: Some Jewish mystic dudes sell them for $500, they help ward off the evil eye and bring good luck.
FB: Well your gay-ass luck's off to a bad f*ckin start, if you be payin a Jew five C's for a nasty string, punk. See dis on Foxy's lef wristisiz? Two words, dawg: Ro Lex. Feel dat, punk. So Foxy gots a queshin fo yo azz.
AR: Then you gots to lay dat shizzle on a brovah.
FB: Why yo cracka wife divorcin yo fine azz?
AR: She be finkin A-Rod be bonin' Madonna while she in da hospizizzle spittin my baby out her vajayjay.
FB: Oooo, Foxy hate her some Madonna. Why she gots to go stealin babies from Afficka?
AR: Little David's a good baby. He don't fro his poop no more since Madonna put a tire swing in his cage.
FB: Dat trashy ho work a sistah's nerve, yo. Ebby time her f*ggot-azz music come on, a ho turn off her hearing aid, yo. Foxy like to cut dat bitch.
AR: She can put her legs behind her head.
FB: Foxy like to put Madonna's legs in New Jersey and her head in Bed-Stuy, punk.
AR: Damn, girl. Dat's cold.
FB: Dawg, why you gots to go swingin yo wood in a cracka bitch's batter's box? Foxy pop yo fly so hard yo balls be bouncin off da nosebleed seats!
AR: Das jus how a brovah roll, ho. Respeck.
FB: Respeck.

The Foxy News Channel: Kickin' it wit Amy Wizzinehouse, Bitches!

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Waddup, mo-fos. Foxy be representin from da boogie down Park Slope, where a bitch crib be at. And chile, there be too many f*ckin crackas in da hood! Ebby where a sistah look, there be some white-ass Doris Day pushin tree o fo screaming marshmallow babies cross da street in a stroller. Work a bitch's nerve. Foxy gots places to be, yo. When a ho pull her SUV up to da corner she gots da whole von-f*ckin-Trapp family passin by. Hurry the f*ck up, mo-fos! I'll fro dat shit! Respeck. And deez cracka hos ack like they never seen no sistah who gots some welf. Las time a sistah go to da Starbucks fo one o' dem mocha-frappa-whatchamawhozits, some white-azz ho look at Foxy like she watchin da Discovery Channel. So I say "bitch, whatchoo lookin at?" and she say "yo breastesses be fallin out yo blouse" and I say "Foo, why you stare at a sistah's titty, you some kinda lesbo?" and she say "dat shizzle ain't approparate fo da chilluns." So I, Foxy B (always a lady), walk up to her chillun sittin in a stroller, stick my azz in the baby's face and squeeze out a fart so loud da windows be rattlin. "Do dat be approparate, mo-fo?" Dat baby start cryin and Doris Day be axin fo da manager, so Foxy split. F*ck dat. A ho really want a shake from Mickey D anyway. A bitch jus hope honkin a fart into cracka baby's face don't violate a ho's parole. Shizzle.

On da self improobmint tip, Foxy be readin some shizzle all 'bout some gay-ass elephant name Babar. Damn, chile. Dat Elephant retarded. He belong wit dat gay-ass monkey Curious George. Babar go chizzillin in Paris, wearin dat fugly-ass green suit. Foxy like to smack dat f*ggoty elephant back to da damn jungle, mo-fos. Dayum.

On dis week's edition of da Foxy News Channel, a bitch be spittin rhymes wit dat f*cked up ho call Amy Wizzinehouse. But dat ho can't get no visa for America, and I can't get no visa for no f*ggot-ass England (on account of bofe us sistahs be whatchoo call combictid felons). So a sistah gots to show dis damn inna-voo wit gay-azz sock puppitz. Check it:

This be da Wizzinehouse sock puppitz. Dat ho gots the ghettoest hairdo Foxy evah seen. Look like she done git her hair did by Sheniqua Thomas up on one fo-de-fo street and Martin Loofer King Boule-whatzit. Dis bitch is crazzay-zay.

Dis be da Foxy sock puppitz, mo-fos. It sho be hard to make a brown tube sock sex-ay. You gots to imaginate some nice-ass titties and a ba-donk-a-donk so fine it make yo punk azz cry like a m*therf*ckin f*ggit. Respeck, foo.

You ready for dis shizzle, dawgs? Okay, den. Foxy gots to put on deez damn puppitz wif-out f*ckin up her tips I jus got did. Whoop! There it be!

FOXY B: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Dis be Foxy B, foo. I be representin wif my girl Amy Wizzinehouse, mo-fos!
AMY WIZZINEHOUSE: 'Alo, pet. Give us a fag.
FB: 'Scooz me?
AW: I'm a bird wot likes to puff on the odd fag, got a spare then?
FB: Do I look like a ho dat gotz spare f*ckin f*ggits layin round? Respeck a ho, I fro dat sh*t.
AW: I believe you yanks call 'em ciggies.
FB: Oh! You tryin to get one o' Foxy's men-tall bajinya slimz? Sh*zzle, ho! All you gots to do is ax a bitch!
AW: Fanks, pet.
FB: So, Amy-bitch.
AW: Wot, luv?
FB: Oooooo! Whatchoo doin? Dat shizzle nass-tay!
AW: I'm a bird wot likes to jab the odd hypodermic of horse twixt me piggies.
FB: You tryin to tell a ho you stickin needles of smack in yo stank-azz toes? Oooooo!
AW: Fancy a jab yourself, then?
FB: No fanks, ho. Foxy jus got her peddy did. I gots some queshinz to ax yo ass, bitch.
AW: Then you gotz to lay dat shizzle on a bird.
FB: Fanks. Foxy be hearin shizzizzle 'bout yo azz goin to da hospizzizzle.
AW: Yeah. So give us a fag, then.
FB: Foxy just give yo azz a men-tall bajinya slim, ho.
AW: I'm a bird wot lose lit fags up me tw*t by the carton, luv.
FB: Foxy don't gots no mo. Oooooooo! What be dat??
AW: Wot, then?
FB: Bitch, yo toof jus fall out yo head!
AW: A toof?
FB: Yeah, ho. A toof! One of yo teef!
AW: Oh, cheers. Fanks. Me teef keep fallin out me gulliver by the fistfull. Wot's a bird to do?
FB: Ho, dat shizzle be triflin.
AW: Care for a puff, then?
FB: Huh?
AW: I'm a bird wot fancy the odd puff o' rock.
FB: You cookin crack? Oh, chile. Dat's ghetto.
AW: So you fancy a puff, then?
FB: Um. Okay. But don't you go tellin nobody.
AW: Me lips are sealed, pet.
FB: Not even yo extra f*ggits.

The Foxy News Channel: Spittin' Rhymes n' Shizzle Wit R. Kelly

Somebody gimme a HO-oh!! Dis be Foxy B, mo-fos. A sistah in one of her moods today, dawgz. So if somebody be finkin they gonna play wit a bitch, you best keep steppin. Foxy fro dat sh*t. Respeck. Why do a ho be all aggramavatid an' sh*t? Well shut the f*ck up one time, and maybe a bitch can lay it on yo fat azz. Coo? Firs, a sistah went to White Castle yessa-dee. All a ho want be a six-pack of m*therf*ckin cheeseburgers and some fry. But some Puerto Rican ho be workin da drive froo and she fink she f*ckin J-Lo. She be all "I'm sorry, but I cannot assep a Popeye's coupon" and she say "Foxy who?" and shizzle. Dayum. Foxy use whatchoocall selfish traint, ovah-wize a sistah be frowin a Blackberry at her fat head. A ho's lawyers say she can't go frowin sh*t no mo, unless a bitch wants to get her azz frone back in prizzizzin. Sh*t. If Foxy B tryin to pay for her White Castle wit her Popeyes coupon, you let a ho do dat sh*t. Respeck.

On da self improobmint tip, a ho finish dat book "Where da Wild Fings Be." That shizzle be off da hook, yo. Cracka boy's bedroom turns into a f*ckin jungle, an soon a dawg be chizzillin wit some monsters. Oooh, who dat monstah wit all da teef? Blow a sistah's mind. Wish those monstahs could walk into "Curious George" and slap dat gay-azz monkey into nex f*ckin year. Nex on a ho's readin list is Babar. Babar be all bout some nasty elephant that wear clothes and sh*t. Foxy be dreading that shizzle.

On dis eppa-sode of da Foxy News Channel, a bitch be doin a in-depf inna-whatzit wit my boy R. Kelly, who just done get his ass acquitted after makin a movie of hisself pee-in on a baby. Check it, mo-fos:

FOXY B: Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Foxy representin from da tour bus of R. f*ckin Kelly. He be da brovah who done get his azz a-quit-icted fo doin nasty shizzle wit his godchillin, includin takin a bitch on a pony ride and pissin in a sistah's face. Yo, dawg. Respeck.
R. KELLY: Respeck, ho.
FB: Foo, why you gots to go peein on a baby?
RK: I be finkin a bitch legal, ho. Besides, dat ain't no R. Kelly on dat tape.
FB: Foxy ain't frontin, dawg. A bitch can be a freak. If a man treat Foxy right, she might lick his azz or dress up like a nasty-azz school girl. Buy a bitch dinner and she'll strap dat shit on an hump a brovah up his back doe. Let a ho order da lobster and a brovah might get to poke a lady in her poo hole. But Foxy draw da line at dat pee shizzizzle.
RK: Check it, ho. R. Kelly don't be combictid of dat shit. Free words, yo: Not Gill Tay. Respeck.
FB: You check it, mo-fo. Firs, OJ get a-quit-icted for gettin stabby wit a cracka bitch. Den, Kobe get a-quit-icted fo bendin a maid ovah a couch an' doin a bitch up her poo hole. Now you get yo azz a-quit-icted fo peein on a baby. Meanwhile, Lil' Kim be all combictid fo frontin fo her posse, Remy Ma get her azz combictid fo poppin a cap in a ho's gut, an Foxy Brown get combictid fo frowin dat shit. How come da sistahs gots to go to prizzizzin? Dat shizzle be triflin.
RK: Listen ho, I be done spittin rhymes bout dat shizzle.
FB: Suffer, punk. Foxy be a reporter now and I gots to ax da tuff queshins. Why you standin, bro? A ho ain't froo axin stuff.
RK: A brovah be liss-nin, bitch. Spit yo tired-azz rhymes.
FB: A sistah be axin if you fink there be a whatchoocall dis-pair-o-titties or shizzle. Why you unzip yo stank-ass fly? Yo, punk...keep dat junk in yo trunk.
RK: R. Kelly just tryin to make hisself comfable. Respeck.
FB: Well Foxy ain't comfable wit dat tube steak a-danglin in a ho's face, dawg. Tuck dat shizzle back in yo draws.
RK: What da wevah forecass be, bitch?
FB: Do I look like Al f*ckin Roker to you, punk?
RK: R. Kelly be finkin there be a 80% chance of rain.
FB: Whatevah, chile. Foxy B is whatchoo call a serious in-depf reporter. I ain't no wevah girl. Oooooh! Whatchoo do???
RK: Aaaahhhh.
FB: Don't pee in a sistah's weave!! You out yo g*ddamn mine??
RK: Open yo mouf, ho.
FB: Stop dat sh*t! Dat nasty! Oooooh!!!
RK: Dis be R. Kelly pee, bitch.
FB: Dayum, punk! You be eatin f*ckin asparagus??? Dis inna-voo is more ovah than yo gay-azz career!
RK: Aaaaahhhhhhh...

The Foxy News Channel: My Ass-Kickin Inna-voo wit Hillary Clizzinton!

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Sup, bitches? Dis be Foxy B, mo-fos...and a ho be spittin rhymes from da boogie down Washizzle Dee-sizzle. Feel dat. Firs, let a sistah catch yo asses up on what Foxy up to. Check it: dat fat bitch from Cellblock B wit da lazy eye got her ass paroled from Rikers (she be da ho who make Foxy f*ck up her tips by fisting her stank-ass muff fo a pack o' bajinya slims back when a bitch be in prizzizzin). Yessa-dee that ho show up on Foxy's do-step, deliverin a bucket of f*ckin' Popeyes. Why those Popeye punks hire that crazayzay ho to deliver wings? Dat bitch gots razor blades in her weave, dat's fo sho. So Foxy let a bitch lick her pee hole one time fo old time sake. A sistah be low on smokes anyways, dawg.

Nex, Foxy spit rhymes wit my brovah R. Kelly, who call a ho's digits last night axin' all bout prizzizzin an' shit. I say "Foo, why you gots to go peein on babies? That shizzle be triflin!" Then a punk be sobbin like a girl, sayin "I don't wants to be no prizzizzin bitch" and I goes "then you best supa-gloo dat butthole closed, mo-fo." Don't front a ho. Foxy fro dat sh*t. Oh and check dis: Foxy still tryin to improob her ass by edumacatin herself. Day befo yessa-dee, a ho finish dat "Curious George" shizzle. Dat gay-ass monkey work a sistah's nerve. Why he gots to be such a punk-ass foo? Foxy like to fro a blackberry at his retarded noggin and say "sit yo monkey azz down befo a bitch pop a cap in yo f*ggot azz." Dayum. Now a ho be readin some shizzizzle called "Where da Wild Fings Be." So far, it be all bout some cracka-ass boy who gots a jungle growin in his bedroom. Dayum, dawg! What you be smokin? Who dat? What dat be? Oooooo shizzle, bitches! Do dat be a monsta? Dat sh*t blow a sistah's mind.

So last weekend, Foxy go to our nation's captipol to do da inna-voo wit that old cracka bitch Hillary Clizzintin. So sit yo azzes down, mo-fos. Foxy bout to lay dat shizzle on yo bitch asses. Respeck.

FOXY B: Somebody gimma a HO-oh! Check it, mo-fos. Foxy representin from da Washizzle Dee-sizzle. A ho fixin to spit rhymes wit dat cracka ho Hillary Clizzintin, who be da honkey bitch who tryin to beat my boy Bobama Yomama. But a brovah whup her ass like he a pimp and she one of his sassy hos. Feel dat.
HILLARY CLINTON: Hello, Foxy.
FB: Sup, ho?
HC: I'm here to express my full support for Senator Obama.
FB: Who?
HC: Party unity is important.
FB: Oooh, chile...Foxy loves to Par-tay. You gots any bobjeckshins if a sistah spark up a tree?
HC: We must rally around our candidate and ensure that the next president of the United States is Senator Obama.
FB: Who be dat?
HC: He's that negro who talks like a white preacher.
FB: Bobama Yomama? Dat brova be fine! He make Foxy's vajayjay feel like runnin round da room barkin like a dog, you feel a ho? (passing a fatty to the Senator) Here, bitch. Puff on dat shit.
HC: I'm a woman. I have a vagina.
FB: Did Foxy ax bout yo stank-ass tw*t?
HC: As a vagina-owning woman, I feel that --
FB: Bitch, you need to keep dat muff hid inside dat fugly Talbot's lesbo pants suit. Respeck.
HC: I only meant to suggest that...
FB: Puff-puff-pass, ho. Don't front a bitch, Foxy slap yo family.
HC: Here. (coughing) That's some chronic doobage.
FB: Fanks. So what you do now, bitch?
HC: Well, perhaps I'll be on the ticket as Vice President.
FB: You tryin to be Vice wha-hoozit?
HC: I could run for Vice President, if I'm asked to do so by Senator Obama.
FB: Who dat?
HC: Bobama Yomama.
FB: Foxy loves her some Bo-Yo! Foxy even let dat fine brovah push a sistah's ankles behind her noggin and do a ho up her poo hole.
HC: I see.
FB: Listen bitch, a sistah be wantin to ax you sumpin fo a long-ass time.
HC: Then you gots to lay that shizzle on a ho.
FB: Fanks. When you find out some fat jew girl wit knee pads under her fugly gap dress be suckin da baby batter outa yo man's tube steak, how come a bitch didn't pop a cap in her noggin and chop her fat azz up in da baff-room and feed her to the dog?
HC: A sistah don't spit rhymes bout dat triflin shizzle no mo.
FB: Coo. But Foxy find out some fat ho be playin wit my man, a bitch slice her ass into bacon. Respeck.
HC: Respeck.

The Foxy News Channel: Frowin' Dat Sh*t wit Naomi Campbell

Somebody gimme a HO-oh!! Check it, mo-fos. This be Foxy B, and a bitch gots some shizzle to lay on yo azz. Firs, a ho be gettin some. Mmmm-hmmm. Foxy order some Domino's pizzizzle, wif dat pepperoni sh*t, and when the delivery boy show up a bitch jump his bones. In prizzizzin, a sistah go eight ass-lickin monfs wif-out a pony ride, so when dat boy show up wit my peps pizzizzle a ho bounce dat punk's ass round da m*therf*ckin room til he be cryin fo his momma. Respeck. Seckind, a sistah still be tryin to improob her ass. Foxy finally finish dat Waldo sh*t. Dat blow a sistah's mind, yo. Where be dat Waldo punk? Where dat cat be? Dayum, bitches. Now a ho be readin all bout some nasty ass monkey name Curious George and some cracka-ass f*ggot in a yellow hat. Why dat monkey be so curious? What he do now? Dat shizzle be off da hook, yo.

But f*ck dat sh*t. Foxy ain't tryin' to do some gay-ass book club like dat fat Oprah-bitch. Word. It be time for anovah addition of da Foxy News Channel, where a ho spit rhymes on da news tip. Check it: dis week a bitch do a inna-voo wit dat Naomi Cambell ho. Whoop! There it be!

FOXY B: Somebody say HO-oh! A sistah be broad-cassin from da boogie-down Great Bri-in. Respeck. But Foxy don't see what so great about it. All dis ass-lickin' rain f*ck wif a sistah's weave. And there be this old-ass honkey bitch who gots all da bling an' go 'round in fugly hats, ackin like she gots a diamond encrussid buttplug up her azz. A ho like to grab hold of dat bitch's face flab and swing a bitch 'round da room. Respeck. Foxy be representin' from da crib of home-girl Naomi-f*ckin-Campbell, bitches.
NAOMI CAMPBELL: Welcome to my home, Foxy.
FB: Sup, ho. So what happen at heafrow dat get a bitch all indicted an shizzizzle?
NC: My case is pending, so my legal counsel has advised me not to talk about it.
FB: F*ck dat, lay it on a ho.
NC: There was a snotty poofter flight attendant who informed me my baggage hadn't made it onto the plane. Next thing I knew I was being dragged by my feet back through the gate, whereupon my spittle accidentally drenched a constable, and another one kept hitting me in the fist with his face. It was bloody awful.
FB: Foxy feel dat. One time a ho need some hair glue so she go to da booty sto. Manager bitch be all "we closin da sto" an what-not, so I fro dat shit. Bounce some hair glue off a bitch's noggin. Word.
NC: I see.
FB: You gots a classy-ass crib, Naom-ay.
NC: Fanks. I mean, thanks.
FB: Why do a sistah gots to front?
NC: I beg your pardon?
FB: I mean you ghetto, bitch. Why you be talkin like you gots a tiara up yo stank-ass poo hole? OUCH!!
NC: Respeck.
FB: Did you just bounce a f*ckin iPhone off Foxy's noggin?
NC: I don't care for your bloody attitude. And Naomi do not play, you feel a ho? OUCH!! Was that your buggery BlackBerry?
FB: Feel dat. Don't cross a bitch, Foxy fro dat sh*t. Let's change da subjick.
NC: Word.
FB: Let's spit rhymes 'bout prizzizzin. My girl Remy Ma be in dat stank-azz Rikers for poppin a cap in a ho's gut. Lil' Kim be in da joint cause her posse be pumpin lead in a gangsta's noggin. Now you fixin to get yo ass all imprizzizzoned for bustin' some kung-fu on some gay-ass consta-whatzit. Why do da man gots to imprizzizzon all da gangsta bitches? OUCH!! Why you fro dat shit now??
NC: I, Naomi Campbell, am no gangsta bitch. OUCH!!
FB: Please, ho. You gots a razor blade in dat cheap-ass weave. OUCH!!
NC: Bitch, dis shizzle be Christian-f*ckin-LaCroix! Yo skank-ass threads look like you be dancin on a pole in f*ckin Reno. OUCH!!
FB: Just wait til a ho be in prizzizzin, workin the stank-ass muff of some fat bitch wit da lazy eye fo a pack of bajinya slims. OUCH!!
NC: A sistah don't be combicktid yet, mo-fo. OUCH!! Stop frowin dat sh*t, ho!
FB: You stop frowin dat shit, ho! Sistahs gots to stick togevah. Check it.
NC: Respeck.
FB: Foxy be coo. Coo?
NC: Coo.
FB: So where be dat cracka-ass Queen bitch? Foxy tryin to slap the white out o' her family. Feel dat.
NC: I feel dat, bitch.
FB: Coo.

Foxy News Channel: Foxy be Keepin dis Shizzle Brief, Dawgz

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! This be Foxy B, mo-fos. A bitch be checkin in for a minute to lay some shizzle on yo azz. Check it: da gay-azz Whup-Ass Master who run dis ass-lickin site be all sick n' shit wit da flu. Respeck. Dat homo be all draggin his azz ebbie-where he go. He be takin Nyquil, Dayquil, Mid-Morning Quil, Tea Time Quil, he be so full of quil it feel like he bonin a porkypine.

So dat be it, mo-fos. Foxy checkin out. The nex post on this gay-azz blog be comin Tooz-dee.

But let a bitch leave yo stank-asses with a video of a flyin dildo-copter attacking Kasparov while he be spittin his boring ass russkie rhymes. Check it. Foxy be havin da helicockter dream all the time when a ho be in prizzizzin.

Peace out, bitches. Have yo asses a good Mermomial Day. Peace out.

The Foxy News Channel: In da Joint wit Remy Ma

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! Holla at yo girl Foxy B, mo-fos. Dayum, bitches! There be some biblical shizzle goin down in the worl. Firs, there be some Chineez peeps in some gay-ass country call Me-on-Mars who done get they asses all blowed 'round by a whack-ass cyclone. Word. Seckind, there be some mo Chineez peeps in Japan or some shizzle who get they asses all shook up by da erf-quake. Whoop, there it be! Fird, there be some tornadoze playin 52 f*ckin pick-up wit cracka-ass mobile cribs in da square states. Lassly, my girl Remy Ma done got her ass con-bictid fo poppin a cap in a ho's gut, and day befo yessa-day judge-bitch sennince a ho to eight m*therf*ckin years in da joint! Eight years, mo-fos. Dat be like a decade or two, chile. Sometime a sistah be finkin da lawd get his draws all bunched up in his buttcrack and he fixin to make frogs rain from da f*ckin sky or some shizzle. If a nasty-ass frog land on Foxy's noggin and f*ck wit a bitch's weave, I'll fro my BlackBerry at the firs noggin I see. Respeck.

Check it, hos. Unless you be libbin under a rock or some sh*t, you know Foxy B just get her ass busted outa Rikers where I be fo eight ass-lickin monfs. All I do was bust some kung-fu shizzle on some squinty-ass Korean hos fo messin wit my tips. Sh*t. So dis week on da Foxy News Channel, a sistah be havin a in-depf inna-voo wit my girl Remy. Roll da f*ckin tape, mo-fos!

FOXY (on video): HO-oh! Foxy be reportin live from stank-ass Rikers, and a sistah be fixin to do a f*ckin innavoo wit my girl Remy Ma. Respeck.
REMY: Hey girl.
FOXY: Bitch don't step on a sistah when she doin a f*ckin set-up! Dat's triflin.
REMY: Fine, ho. Spit yo tired-ass rhymes and wake a bitch when you froo.
FOXY: Fanks. Check it. Remy Ma be a grammy nonamatid gangsta bitch who go clubbin with her posse when a ho suspeck her girl Makeda be pinchin her bills. So Remy pull a piece out her purse and pop a cap in Makeda's gut. Then she hop in her ride an' split. Now a ho be chillin in prizzizzin, bitches. True dat. So here I be, spittin rhymes wit a conbictid rappa bitch. Holla at yo girl, mo-fo.
REMY: Respeck.
FOXY: Every story gots two sides, mo-fos. Like when Foxy read that book all 'bout those gay-ass cracka f*ggots Dick an' Jane. Turns out those bitches gots a dog name Spot, an dayum! That gay-ass dog can run! So lay it on a sistah. What happen, ho?
REMY: Dis n' dat. Makeda be a stank-ass ho. She fink she cute, and Remy be packin heat. So I stick dat shit in her belly an squeeze some lead in her fat ass.
FOXY: Foxy unna-stan you try to marry yo ass to dat Papoose punk. REMY: Papoose be my boy. 
FOXY: Then da guards slap his azz to the curb when he be tryin to slip you a handcuff key. Why dat foo do dat? His momma drop that baby on his nappy-ass noggin?
REMY: Girl, there be whatchoo call a conspinnersy goin down. Bitch-ass cops plug my boy Sean Bell fiffy time and they be acquitted, bitch. Remy only pump one m*therf*ckin plug in dat ho's gut.
FOXY: Foxy heard dat, mo-fo. Slap a sistah some skin one time.
REMY: Dayum, ho. Who do a bitches tips?
FOXY: I'm glad you ax, girl. Foxy done gots her tips did by some Vee-tam-a-neez hos. Those Korean bitches fink they cute. Foxy like to slap the slant out they eyes. But Vee-tam-a-neez hos be all a-scairt of a bitch. Like they be finkin Foxy tryin to nepalm they ass if they f*ck wit a sistah's tips. Respeck.
REMY: Coo.
FOXY: Now Foxy tryin to lay some 411 on a ho, coo?
REMY: Spit dat sh*t, girl.
FOXY: These be tips on how a sistah be gettin some surbival skill in prizzizzin. Check it. One: dat fat ho wit da lazy eye gots a razor blade in her weave. If a bitch ax Remy to do some lesbo shizzle, a sistah best do dat sh*t, cause dat ho will cut a bitch. Two: a sistah best not get too uppity round dat guard wif da gold toof. She taze a ho if she say "boo." Free: if yo boy Papoose be smugglin fatties up his poo hole on visiting days, tell dat punk to use some f*ckin Saran Wrap. Fo: If a sistah find Islam, don't be callin Mohammed a punk-ass mo-fo. Those bitches wit da veils do not play. Fibe: if a bitch try to improob her ass by reading books an' sh*t, Foxy rekamind that Runaway Bunny shizzle. There be a whack-ass book all 'bout some punk name Waldo. That shizzle blow a sistah's mind. Where be Waldo? Where be dat mo-fo? But stay away from One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish. That sh*t be triflin. Coo?
REMY: Coo.
FOXY: Dat be my rhyme mo-fos. Check it. Holla back nex time. Foxy News Channel checkin out on yo ass. Peace out.

The Foxy News Channel: It's da Ass-Kickin Oprah n' Tomcrooz Puppet Show, Bitches!

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! This be Foxy B, mo-fos. And I gots me some rhymes to spit, yo. Firs, y'all gots to chill bout that bench warrant the Judge bitch put on Foxy's ass yessaday. Lawyer bitch clear dat shit up, you feel a sistah? Sh*t. Use to be a time a ho could frow a phone at a sassy bitch's noggin without all this flibberty-floo. Foxy already done put eight m*therf*ckin monfs in da joint, yo. I did dat *ss-lickin anger mamagemint skoo. I also done edjamacated my ass, readin books an sh*t. Firs, Foxy read that shizzle bout those gay-ass crackers Dick and Jane and they f*ggoty dog Spot. Dat Spot can run, that's fo sho. Then Foxy read this whack-ass book bout a punk-ass Runaway Bunny. Bunny bitch be frontin his mama 'bout hittin da streets but mama bunny don't play dat sh*t. Blow a sistah's mind.

So this be the fird edishin of the Foxy News Channel, bitches. A sistah be finkin bout what she gonna do. Then Foxy get it in her noggin that she gonna do some inna-tainment nooz. Feel dat. Today, a sistah spittin rhymes all bout dat fat Oprah bitch and her innavoo wit dat whack-ass Tomcrooz f*ggit. But dat gay-ass whup-ass cracker who run this *ss-lickin blog don't give a sistah no kinda budjit so I don't gots no video, punks. So Foxy fixin to act out da Oprah/Tom Crooz innavoo wit sock puppets. Check it.

	OPRAH-BITCH This be da Oprah-bitch sock puppet. Oprah gots da bling, yo. Dat ho bring dat shit. She remind a sistah of that bitch from Cell block B who be makin Foxy work her stank-ass muff for a pack of bajinya slims. Oprah be serious. Dat fat sistah gots a razor blade in her weave. Don’t cross dat Oprah-bitch or she like to cut a ho. Respeck.
TOMCROOZ This be da Tomcrooz sock puppet, bitches. Foxy make this gay-ass puppet out of a ladies pair of ankle-socks, like doze lesbo tennis bitches gots. Tomcrooz be one off-da-hook cracker, mo-fos. He ain’t right in his noggin. Foxy can spot a crazy-ass cracka-man. One time Foxy be watchin da TV and his creepy-ass face come on, a bitch drop her bowl of Cap’n Crunch. Dat’s for shizzle.

So now Foxy fixin to shove her hands up these gay-ass sock puppets so a sistah can ack out some m*therf*ckin highlights from dat off-da-hook innavoo they done did at Tomcrooz crib up in the Rocky f*ckin Mountinz (a sistah best not f*ck up her tips dat she just got did, dat's fo sho). Check dat.

OPRAH SOCK PUPPET: Sit yo cracka ass down, mo-fo.
TOMCROOZ SOCK PUPPET: I be chillin like Bob Dylan, bitch. Check it.
OSP: Check yo self, punk. A sistah gots a score to settle. Whoop!
TSP: Den you gots to lay dat sh*t on a brovah.
OSP: Why you gots to looz you m*therf*ckin mind lass time? A brovah jump on a sistah's sofa? What kinda country-ass white trash you be, dawg?
TSP: I be da kinda kat dat be feelin dat shizzle. Dat be how I roll. Don't dis a bro.
OSP: A sistah let it slide dis time. But nex time a brovah visit a sistah's crib, you best keep those stank-ass Reeboks off a bitch's divan. Nex queshin. Let's spit rhymes bout yo creepy-ass lizard baby.
TSP: Dat's hard, Oprah-bitch. Suri ain't no lizard baby. Sh*t.
OSP: Don't front a bitch, mo-fo. Dat baby's got fake-ass plastic skin. Her hair be a weave. She an alien-lizard, punk.
TSP: You talkin smack bout a brovah's girl, ho. She a real-ass baby. Dat's not a weave.
OSP: N***a please. You fink a sistah can't spot a weave? Why you gots to keep dat chillunz in a cage?
TSP: Y'all gots to lay off my baby girl. Tomcrooz will smack a ho.
OSP: Fine, punk. But she half-sleestak if you ax me. Nex queshin. Do it be true you like takin tube steak up yo stank-ass poo hole?
TSP: Oprah-bitch, Tomcrooz fixin to slap the black out yo family. A brovah done bang Cher, Nico Kidmin, Hedda Locklear and Pallepalie f*ckin Cruz! I tap da shit out they ass, ho. Feel dat.
OSP: Oprah gots her some gaydar, cracka. You gots some sugar in yo ass, yo. You on da DL and you gots to fess dat sh*t up right now. Respeck.
TSP: Step correck, ho. I cut some bacon off yo fat back. Dat sh*t be rizzle fo shizzle.
OSP: Suit yo-self, punk-ass cracka. Nex queshin. Why you gots to believe in gay-ass alien ghosts dat live in a m*therf*ckin volcano? Dat sh*t's triflin. Don't you love you no Jesus? Da lord Jesus Chrise love you, chile. Who be dat Xenu f*ggit, anyways?
TSP: Step correck, ho. You on fin ice, yo.
OSP: We gots to pause now fo stashin idenfaca-whatzit. We be back, dawgs. Keep yo fat asses where they be. Respeck.

Dat be all, bitches. Foxy done with this sh*t. Peace out, mo-fos.

The Foxy News Channel: Whack Shizzle

Somebody gimma a HO-oh! This be Foxy B, and a bitch be makin her second conta-blooshun to the Foxy News Channel, da new shizzle on this gay-ass blog. So step mo-fos, an stay out a bitch's grill. If there be some ig-nint peeps who gots they head up they boot-ay, da man bust a bitch for kickin some kung-fu moves on a couple of sassy Korean manacurisists. Then a sistah blow off dat gay-ass anger mamage-mint class and frow dat Blackberry shit at a bitch's sassy noggin. Punk-ass cracker judge send Foxy to prizzin, where she be fo eight *ss-lickin monfs. Respeck.

When Foxy wake up today, she be finkin it monday. And Mondays in Rikers mean dat fat ho in cellblock B with da lazy eye be 'spectin Foxy to work her stank-ass bagina. Foxy don't go fo dat lesbo shizzle, but a bitch gots razor blades in her weave and she'll cut a ho, dat's fo sho. Every monday Foxy gots to f*ck up her tips fistin some nasty muff fo a pack of ba-jinia slims. It sho-nuff be coo to wake up in a sistah's own bed, wif-out findin out some *ss-hole tie a bitch's weave to da toilet while she be sleepin. A ho be free at lass, mo-fos. Foxy be coo.

This week, da Foxy News Channel be in-bess-a-gatin sh*t, spittin rhymes on current e-bents all 'round the gay-ass worl. There be some whack-ass shizzle goin down, mo-fos. Foxy be a classy-ass in-guess-ba-cu-tib reporter now, bitches. So shut yo punk-ass pie-hole, and don't inta-rup a ho cause Foxy gots da mic:

• SHUT YO MOUF, HO: So last week a bitch be runnin her mouf while some sistahs tryin to watch Tyra Banks on "Merica's Nex Top Model." This gabby-ass ho keep talkin bout dis and dat after anotha ho tell her to shut her yap and that's where fings got all gangsta. Loud-mouf yank a clump of hair outa the bitch who shush her, and shushin sistah take a knife and cut a bitch. A ho got so stabby she don't stop 'til her hand cramp. Now the loud mouf be in the incentive care an sh*t. Foxy always suspeck dat Tyra Banks be trouble. But on the other han, Foxy be all synthapetic to the ho dat shank a bitch. Why you gots to flap yo gums, ho? Don't make Foxy miss the part where Tyra throwin shade at da skinny bitch. I cut a slab o bacon of yo fat back. Respeck.
• DA VON TRAP CREW: Foxy don't fink about Austria much. But when she do, she fink about dat gay-ass movie bout a nun who dress her cracker chillinz in some nasty threads she make outa curtains. Then she make the chillinz bust out all kinda homo dance moves up an down da mountainside, spittin some tired cracker rhyme 'bout do-re-mi whatzama-shizzle. Those Crackers call themselves Von Traps. Well now there be a ho in Austria who's daddy von trapped her ass in da basement. Then that mo-fo be havin whatchoo call insex with her and she spit nine retarded chillunz out her tw*t. Dayum, ho. That bitch like to make Dr. Phil's bald noggin 'splode. Dat shizzle for rizzle.
• JOHNSON & JOHNSON: There be a joint in Affika call the Congo (Foxy gexing dat's where da cons go). And in some stank-ass hood call Kinshasa, some whack-ass brothers be stealin other brothers' junk. They be callin theyselves which-dockers and they be puttin voo-doo mojos on a n*ggas draws, an he wake up to find his trouser pony up an left da barn. Foxy fixin to put on her pumps and haul her ass to that Congo joint and bust a cap in they ass. Why you messin with a brother's tube steak, dawg? That be the best part! That be like eatin all the skin from a bucket o' KFC. Sh*t. Meanwhile there be some honkey-ass crackers in Tallasassy Florida who pimp they gay-ass rides by attaching fake-ass testimacles to da rear hitches. Listen up, mo-fos. Foxy fixin to slap the white off your ass. A bitch see a nasty pair of dangly-ass nuts a-swingin from yo Dodge-f*ckin-Caravan, she gonna ram your ass so hard you be finkin you on Brokeback Mountain. Besides, if a sistah put some fake-ass bouncing titties on da front of her ride you crackers be crashing your fat pastey ass every five minutes. Miss Jackson-cause-I'm-nasty flash one tittie and dis punk-ass country have a m*therf*ckin stroke. Check dat.
• LOOK, DAWG...SHARPTON BE ALL OUTRAGED AGIN: Okay so the po-lice done bust 50 caps in Sean Bell's ass on a brother's wedding day. That be some whack shizzle. Then cracker-ass judge let those ass-hole cops walk (meanwhile Foxy B get eight monfs, and Wesley Snipe get three f*ckin years; no justice, no peace brothas). So there be some rage, dawg. But how come that fat-ass Rebbind Sharpton be shovin folks out the way to spit his rhymes on da TV? That sh*t's been played since Tawana, mo-fo. A brother be such a bitch for the media, he gots "press pass" tattooed on his fat ass. Anyfing bad happen there he be, talkin smack he been rehearsing in da baf-room mirror for a week! Somefin not right in that man's head since James Brown died and a brother don't gots no one to go wig shoppin wif. Why he pushin Bell's girl behind him? Let a sistah speak, dawg! Let channel 4 hear da real rage, bitch! Nex time da cops mistake a brothah for a target at a shootin range, stay home. We do just fine without yo fat ass hoverin over everything like a Mrs. Butterworth balloon at da Macy's Thanks-f*ckin-givin Parade! Peace an respeck, mo-fos!

The Foxy News Channel: A New Feature

Somebody gimme a HO-oh! This be Foxy Brown, bitches. A lady gots sprung from the clink this pass friday afta bein con-bictid for frowin dat shit. Das right, a sistah be bouncin a blackberry off da noggin of a sassy ho an then git a eight-monf stay at da concrete Hilton. Respeck. An while dis bitch was chillin in Rikers, Foxy gots time to fink bout what a ho gonna do wif her life. When I wasn't punchin' da stank-ass muff o' dat fat bitch wit da lazy eye from Cellblock B fo a pack o Ba-jinya Slims (if dat bitch drop her draws an say "work my bizness, ho" you best do what she say; she gots razor blades in her weave, dat's fo sho), Foxy be finkin bout oppatuna-whozits. Like what's a stone-deaf rappa bitch gonna do wif her life? Bustin mad ju-jitsu moves on some uppity korean manicurisists hos ev'ry time a bitch gits her tips did don't seem to be workin fo Foxy's image, yo.

But then this here blog be axin a ho to be like a comma-tater an sh*t. Thas right. A bitch be happy to inta-duce a new-ass feature call "Foxy News Channel." So listen up, mo-fos. Foxy gonna be whatchoo call a pum-dit. Respeck. A sistah be rappin' an' sh*t 'bout all that ass-hole news goin down in all parts of tha worl. Fo shizzle.

• WHACK SHIZZLE BE GOIN DOWN IN BIMZABWE: When a sistah be in prizzin she be readin and sh*t. Firs, I read this off-da-hook story 'bout two crackers Dick and Jane and they gay-ass dog Spot. Dat sh*t blew a sistah's mind, yo. So I gots to finkin bout edjamacatin myself bout Affika, cause a ho gots to know her roots. Damn if a bitch find out her great great great grand-daddy come from a place call Bimzabwe. That be a stank-ass country run by a brovah dat smell like rhino poop. His name be Robert McBoobie. Now they gots aleckshins an' sh*t but McBoobie's boyz be bustin the noggins of peeps that vote for a brovah's opponint. That remine a sistah of that time her pimp daddy bus' a cap in a brovah's ass cause he be frontin with his bitches. Oh, an Bimzabwe gots in-flay-shun dat be off da hook. One day a sistah's pack o' Ba-jinya Slims cost a dolla, da nex day it be $450 fousand. An now millions of Bimzabwe bitches be scootin they fat-ass boot-ays under the razor wire to get into Souf Affika. That sh*t make a sistah wanna frow a m*therf*ckin iPhone at dat McBoobie's retarded noggin. Fo rizzle.
• CONDAWEEZIE LICE TAKE HER POSSE TO BAD-GLAD: That Rebuplakin bitch who gets her hair did by Mary Tyler F*ckin Moore be takin her posse to Bad-glad. She be spittin rhymes bout Prime Mini-sister Malcom Jamahl Al-Malikdawhatzit an how that brovah kick the ass of thoze boyz who be representin some bitch-ass punk called Make-a-Doody All-Sadder. Those boyz best listen to a sistah. Condaweezie Lice remind Foxy of that lesbo prizzin guard who bounce a bitch's noggin off the wall fo lookin cross-eyed at her. Sh*t, you get up in Condaweezie's grill and make a ho put her pumps on, she gonna mess you da f*ck up. Respeck.
• OLD-ASS POPE CRACKER BE SPITTIN RHYMES AT YANKEE STADIUM: Pope Been-a-dick be pitchin 'em fast an low at Yankee Stadium, spittin rhymes 'bout how he all sorry an sh*t cuz the preacher menz be pokin they gay-ass chillunz. Sh*t. When Foxy haul her ass to da Bronx, she ain't tryin to see some fruity Nazi mo-fo in a ugly-ass dress talkin like a kraut and swingin a nasty burning purse all round. Foxy wants her man Derek Jeter. Dayum, ho. That boy be fine. Every time Foxy see her some Jeter, a bitch's vajayjay be fixin to 'splode. A lady even be willin to let a brovah jerk one into her seats, if you follow a ho. Come on, baby. Call a bitch's digits and slide it home.
• JIMINY CARTER BE RAPPIN WIT HUMMUS: Jiminy Carter stop singin all 'bout Wishin on a Star long enough to haul his pastey ass to Palace-time. He be razzin they asses for strappin bombs under they Sean Johns and kickin it over to Jew-roo-slum to act all 'splode-y an sh*t. When Foxy be in Rikers she almost convert to dat Islam shizzle. Then a bitch learnt she gots to pray five times a day (Foxy don't got that kinda time, dog) and put on that fugly scarf that f*ck with a sistah's weave. Foxy like some threads that show a bitch's boot-ay. Where you a-speck a sistah to hide a bomb, punk? Up a bitch's poo hole? Step, mo-fo. I don't fink so.