Can O' Whup-Ass

Helms is Dead: Let The Weenie Roast Begin!

Decrepit tub of paste Jesse Helms was yanked into the underworld by the icy hand of death today. He had just finished penning his fourth unpublished volume of homoerotic poetry when his bile-choked heart farted to a long overdue stop, causing his sagging carcass to declare independence from the world of the living.

"...in the 18 years and 5 months I've been in the senate, none, none have been more capable than Dan Quayle."
-- Jesse Helms

Across the Deep South, segregationists, bigots, racists, xenophobes, homophobes and those opposed to modern art (read: Southern Baptists) shoe-horned themselves into their best polyester stretch pants to pay homage to the insufferable troll (post-poning their Backyard Weenie Roast/Burn Obama's Effigy/Dad-n-Lad Three Legged Race hootnannies for several hours). Elsewhere, the hell-bound liberal elite (read: high school graduates) marked the Senator's passing by bursting into an impromptu rendition of the Virginia Reel.

"Democracy used to be a good thing, but now it has gotten into the wrong hands."
-- Jesse Helms

"Life sucks. The economy's taking a nose-dive, I'm facing foreclosure, Iraq is a quagmire, the dollar is disintegrating, I've lost my health insurance, I'm unemployed, and I'm spending the kid's college fund on milk," said one elated onlooker. "But now that Helms is dead, I feel I actually have something to celebrate today."

"To rob the Negro of his reputation of thinking through a problem in his own fashion is about the same as trying to pretend that he doesn't have a natural instinct for rhythm and for singing and dancing."
-- Jesse Helms

HIGHLIGHTS OF HELMS' ILLUSTRIOUS CAREER:

• He fought against Federal AIDS funding, claiming it was God's punishment for "disgusting" behavior
• He brought down the National Endowment for the Arts (objecting to Serrano puting Jesus in pee-pee and Finley inserting yams in her butt).
• He once told President Clinton not to come to North Carolina without a body guard.
• He tried to buy CBS because he found their news coverage to be too liberal.
• He ran ads in his 1990 re-election campaign that said "You needed that job. But they gave it to a negro." The ads worked.
• In 1950, he helped Willis Smith win a senate race by distributing flyers depicting his opponent's wife dancing with a negro.

"I've never heard once in this chamber anybody say to the homosexuals, 'stop what you're doing.' If they would stop what they're doing there would not be one additional case of AIDS in the United States."
-- Jesse Helms

Our only regret is that he didn't white-knuckle it and cling to life for just a few months longer so he could see that thing he most feared and loathed (read: a negro) get elected President of the country he tried for so long to smother under a veil of hatred and bigotry.

"I've been portrayed as a caveman by some. That's not true. I'm a conservative progressive, and that means I think all men are equal, be they slants, beaners or niggers."
-- Jesse Helms (in an interview to the North Carolina Progressive, 2/6/85)

UPDATE: According to a source (a highly admired clairvoyant), Senator Helms is currently being sodomized by a negro demon who's shoving yams up Jesse's butt.

IN RELATED NEWS: Bozo the clown died.

Hey! It's the Murdoch/O'Reilly Photoshop Game!

NEW YORK -- Beacon of journalistic integrity, the cable news channel that had to trademark "fair and balanced" so it could actually use the phrase, FoxNews has been caught doctoring photos of two NYTimes reporters who contributed to an article on FN's declining ratings.

Before airing the photographs on their evening broadcast, editors at FoxNews gave the two reporters (Jacque Steinberg and Steven Radcliffe), yellow teeth, receding hairlines, circles under their eyes, protruding ears, and (most disturbing) enlarged noses, reminiscent of Hitler's anti-Jewish propaganda.

This is hardly a shocker, as FoxNews has a perma-boner for propaganda. Without disclosure, it continues to feature Pentagon-planted pundits (part of an flagrantly illegal propaganda scheme exposed back in April by who-else-but the NYTimes). After the Times article, the Pentagon immediately suspended its "Retired Military Analyst Program" (wherein daily talking points were fed to planted yes-men paid to offer their "personal opinions" on Fox). Fox didn't get the memo.

These people make Pravda look like Reuters.

HEY! HERE'S A FUN GAME!!

1. Right-click on the above photos of withered monkey Rupert Murdoch and loofah/dildo afficionado Bill O'Reilly (or if you prefer to work in color, find one from the web). Save them to your computer.
2. Get all Photoshoppy on their ass (see our retarded efforts below).
3. Send your entry to srculpny@aol.com (our addy). We shall judge a winner and publish the fruit of their labor.
4. Also send your entry to Oreilly@foxnews.com, teverett@newscorp.com (News Corp. press contact).
5. We further challenge all bloggers to a side bet: "The Tart-up-Murdoch-Like-the-Queen-We-Know-She-Is Photoshop Derby." That means you, Stinker. And you, Quelqoth. And you, Qweerty. And you, whateveryourblogiz.

Have fun!!!

Our entries (precious, ain't they?):

Aloha, *ss-Lickers! It's the @#!&% News Roundup With Sailor Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- As our faithful readership is well aware, a short while back New York's favorite Tourette's-afflicted teleprompter reader Sue Simmons got all potty-mouthed on live television, boisterously letting fly a word that starts with "F" and rhymes with "duck." After sobering up, the sapphic anchornegress apologized to her shocked viewers for offending the notoriously delicate sensibilities of New Yorkers. But in a startling career move, she has since begun broadcasting sporatic newscasts that are highly targeted to a very specific niche. Below, we proudly include the partial transcript of her latest edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor Talkin' Sue. You're welcome.

Good evening, c*ck-smokers. I'm Sue "lick me where I pee" Simmons, and here's the g*ddamned news:

• Withered c*nt-licking b*ttwipe Hugh Hefner had a m*therf*cking birthday party last night, during which his skank-tastic donkey-f*cking girlfriend Kendra Wilkinson presented the 82-year-old whore magnet a g*ddamned chocolate mold of her sh*tty *sshole. The classy tw*t had her nasty-*ss buns molded in white f*cking chocolate, with a dollop of dark chocolate for her fist-f*cked sphincter. The Jurassic g*ddamned sperm hydrant devoured it enthusiastically, stuffing the c*nt-banging confection down his muff-grazing pie hole.
• M*therf*cking baboon-*ss Robert Mugabe took a break from eating hyena sh*t to call on his c*cksucking militia to wage war on his own g*ddamned people if he loses the fake-*ss butt-banging elections next month. This, after starving the sh*t-eating Zimbabweans who support his opponent, sending his rhino-f*cking goons after those who "voted the wrong g*ddamned way" in the first f*ggoty election, expelling all zebra-felching aid groups, and flushing his nation down the sh*thole. Reports of c*ck-sucking *ss-spelunking citizens being told the g*ddamned police will watch how they vote (and beat the f*cking sh*t out of them if they don't vote for that *ss-licking monkey-f*cker Mugabe) are common. At 180,000% inflation, dwindling g*ddamned food supplies, rampant f*cking starvation and a big-*ss mass exodus taking place, there isn't going to be a single m*therf*cker left to vote in the sh*t-sucking f*ggot-*ss election anyway.
• Last g*ddamned Friday, Mary Esther (some f*cking whore with a boner for Jesus) was walking with her two adorable pieces of c*nt plop across the *ss-banging parking lot of a cat-f*cking Target. All of a sudden, both she and her diaper-sh*tting scream machines were almost mowed the f*ck down by a f*ggot-ass PT Cruiser. Always the m*therf*cking Christian, muff-munchin' Mary approached the g*ddamned driver to inform her that they were all right, no f*cking thanks to her. The sphincter-sucking whore behind the wheel squeezed out of the car and called Mary the "B" word. Ms. Esther, a baby-fisting fetus-f*cking Baptist, responded by handing the woman a flyer from her c*ck-sucking church. The rude driver reacted by yanking down her m*therf*cking stretch pants and wiping her stank-ass tw*t with the flyer before stuffing her fat *ss back into the car and speeding the f*ck away.
• A bunch of m*therf*cking journalism students from the f*ggot-*ss city of Copenhagen got their sh*tty asses kicked off of sit-on-my Facebook for posting g*ddamned pictures of themselves killing and eating a butt-f*cking kitty cat. As it turns out, the nut-gargling retards did it to raise c*nt-licking awareness of *ss-pumping animal cruelty. While that strikes this muff-banging reporter as slightly akin to f*cking to promote abstinence, the m*therf*cking students claimed that roast f*cking kitty cat au gratin is chewy and tastes like g*ddamned *ss.
• Today, President "If-I-was-any-g*ddamned-stupider-you'd-hafta-water-me-twice-a-week" Bush dragged his inebriated chain-smoking wife to the f*ggot-*ss Vatican for a meeting with the butt-fisting Pope. While Laura was passed out in some f*cking fountain, the two men held hands and pranced about the g*ddamned grounds, each finding some c*nt-licking common ground in the f*cking fact that they're both doing all the f*ck they can to speed the end of the g*ddamned world.

We pause now for an *ss-munching word from the m*therf*ckers at Playtex, who want every skanky b*tch to cram their g*ddamned tampons up their tw*ts. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, butt-f*ckers.

A Brief Note of Friendly Concern: Dear Brandon Davis

Um...Brandon?

No, no...don't come any closer, we can smell hear you from there.

Ordinarily, at this point we'd suggest that we refresh our vodka-and-redbull-spazatinis, whilst we desperately rack our brains to come up with something nice to say before ripping you a new one. So. Let's see. [EDITOR'S NOTE: 20 minutes elapse] Oh! we've got it! You're heterosexual! Okay, that's not really a compliment; so was Ted Bundy and Idi Amin. But from our perspective, we're rather glad that whatever stank-ass STDs you're packing in your damp, clammy Fruit-of-the-Looms are unlikely to enter our dating pool.

So here's the deal. Right off the bat, you're the sort of "famous" person we're predisposed to hate; namely, your notoriety stems chiefly from the pair of bloody thighs from whence you plopped (although your mother was no doubt appreciative of the fact that you shot through her shame hole pre-greased). Your serial obnoxiousness hasn't helped matters, although your racist/homophobic on-camera rants briefly terrified us. Dropping the n-word actually isn't that disturbing; racists are stupid and loathsome, which fits your profile. But the f-bomb indicates that your sexuality is on shaky footing; that you have nightly fever dreams of skipping hand-in-hand through a field of daisies with Javier Bardem. We pause now to shiver in revulsion.

Dude, you're gross. You make Robert Mugabe seem like a hunk o' burnin luv. You make Antonin Scalia look like Antonio Sabato Jr.  We can smell you from your photograph, and you produce the heady aroma of barf, pee, dog poop, and rhino sweat; all unsuccessfully smothered under an entire bottle of Polo. You're a sperm whale with crabs.

When an impressionable starlett gets drunk enough to get with your nasty stuff, it's a sure sign that she's 1) a nasty ho with absolutely no standards (see: Hilton, Paris), or 2) she's desperately self-destructive and/or has severe substance abuse issues (see: Lohan, Lindsay). A ride on your permanently pre-lubed pony always arrives at the same destination: rock bottom.

Lindsay, God bless her, discovered re-hab and lesbianism after sampling your treats (the best possible reaction, we surmise). But if, as in her spunky flick "Freaky Friday," we had switched bodies with her on the night of your stomach-churning hippity-dippity, we would have reacted by boiling our vagina and slitting our wrists.

Below, we list a few things we'd rather do than go drilling for oil on that syphillitic slip-n-slide otherwise known as "coitus nauseum ursus." Do we want to do what? Um, no thanks, Brandon. We'd rather:

1. Felch an ebola-infested baboon
2. Hire Rosie O'Donell as a scat top
3. Lose a soggy biscuit contest in Haiti
4. Get a boston pancake from Barbara Bush
5. Eat a bowl of tapeworm spaghetti
6. Ride a camel from Katmandu to Ryadh while smuggling scorpions in our butthole
7. Watch "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"
8. Lick Madeline Albright's pap-smear

XOX
WAM

Makin' Babies the Clay Way

HOLLYWOOD -- A bizarre, creepy star suddenly appeared in the skies over Los Angeles, and it wasn't Travolta darting about in his private jet. A UFO exploded over Vietnam. A nation went insane overnight, briefly finding Denise Richards interesting. Oprah felt disturbances in her gravitational field. All omens and portents had maliciously aligned; there was no escaping the diabolical fulfillment of beelzebub's darkest plan. Clay Aiken had reproduced.

In the musty cobwebbed lady-cave of his post-menopausal record producer, a misbegotten embryo clings to a uterine stalactite; the most calamitous genetic collision since the conception of Chastity Bono. Although we're aggressively avoiding mental images of how this might have occurred, the totally virile and entirely heterosexual (for reals. shut up.) crooner has taken a break from dampening the plus-sized Hanes of every unfulfilled ferret-obsessed Nascar widow from Sheboygan to Tuscaloosa with his dazzling performance in Spamalot to explain the evil alchemy that went into his ghastly spawning.

And, natch, we've provided his blow-by-blow account of how his lineage has been cruelly extended in the gut of a mannish granny in the form of his very own mini-mo, destined to be named "Claymian."

Enjoy!

Um...hi! I've always admired Daddies. They smoke cigars and have tickly mustaches and have sex with vaginas. They go on camping trips with other daddies where they zip their sleeping bags together and cuddle while they talk about power tools. Who knew that one day I, an inbred reality show runner-up and creepily androgynous eunuch, would be a daddy too! Hip-hip hooraysies! And here's how I done did it!

1. Find an old lady. She should be old enough that the Claymates won't get too jealous, but not so old that her hips will shatter when she squeezes lil' Claymian through her shame hole.
2. Sacrifice a live kitty cat to Beelzebub so that the old lady's petrified ovaries cough back to life long enough to fart out one last egg.
3. Tie the old lady to the sling in your basement. Hoist her varicose veined, cellulite-afflicted legs to the ceiling.
4. Draw a pentagram on the floor in chicken blood.
5. Turn on your computer and log onto Manhunt.com.
6. Unzip Dockers. Liberate underpants serpent.
7. Insert buttplug.
8. Locate the profile for FresnoPissPig, the muscle-bound bi-curious model/actor and watersports top. Browse his pictures.
9. Do that thing that Mom said Grandma can see me do from Heaven and it makes her cry.
10. When underpants serpent gets angry and starts to barf, grab Pebble Flintstone juice glass to catch every drop.
11. Use freshly sterilized turkey baster (aka travel douche kit) to collect underpants serpent barf.
12. Go to basement. Find old lady's shame hole. Insert turkey baster. Squeeze bulb. Cry.
13. Hoist old lady's legs higher until she's upside down. Shake her.
14. Sit in pentagram. Give praise to Lucifer. Play hymns to Beelzebub on the stereo.
15. Two weeks later, make old lady pee on a stick.
16. Text your publicist.

Yo, F*ck-wads! It's Time Again for the @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin' Sue!

NEW YORK -- A while back, Tourettes-afflicted anchornegress Sue Simmons, having lobbed the "F" word at her deeply traumatized audience of prim New Yorkers, seemed to have experienced an irreparable career implosion. However, in a daring career move, the once-adored closeted lesbian launched a demographically targeted news broadcast that best suited her talents as a teleprompter reader.

The results were spectacular.

Therefore, due to popular demand, we proudly present another edition of The @#!&% News Roundup with Sailor-Talkin Sue Simmons. No need to thank us:

Good evening, *ss-lickers. I'm Sue m*ther-f*cking Simmons, and this is the g*ddamned news.

• Today, Naomi c*nt-face Campbell was charged at g*ddamned airport court for slapping the m*therf*cking sh*t out of two f*ggoty cops. The f*cking altercation arose in April when some d*ke stewardess told Ms. f*ck-me-in-the-*ss Campbell that her c*cksucking luggage hadn't made it onto the g*ddamned plane. The *ss-felching, fire breathing c*nt threw a f*cking sh*t fit and had her tw*t thrown off the *ss-f*cking aircraft by her b*tch-*ss pubes. The statuesque c*nt-muncher faces a possible six months in m*therf*cking prison, where her new-found mopping skills just might help a tw*t avoid getting fisted up her sh*tty *ss by a lesbo d*ke cellmate.
• The g*ddamned ch*nks in China got sand up their horizontal c*nts because of another horizontal c*nt by the name of Sharon p*ss-up-my-poo-hole Stone. Ms. look-at-my-ancient-tw*t Stone had opined that the *ss-licking earthquake that buried more c*cksucking ch*nk babies than Chairman needle-c*ck Mao, was karmic m*therf*cking payback for smacking around the g*ddamned f*ggot-*ss Tibetan monks like a bunch of c*nt-licking three dollar whores who "no like sucky." The ch*nk-*ss Chinese Government has reacted by banning Ms. saggy-tw*t Stone's films, adding m*therf*cking insult to g*ddamned injury by depriving the *sshole ch*nks the butt-f*cking pleasures of "Basic F*ggoty Instinct 2."
• Today at the d*ck-smoking corporate headquarters of Bear lick-me-where-I-sh*t Stearns, a fat-*ss f*ggoty c*nt by the name of James "oops-I-just-f*cked-15,000-employees-up-the-butt" Cayne, erstwhile chairman and current douchebag, said "I'm sorry." Then he gave the m*therf*cking keys to J f*cking P f*cking Morgan f*cking Chase. Cayne, a tw*t banging troll, has grown to look a lot like Rumple-f*cking-stilskin, except instead of spinning g*ddamned straw into m*therf*cking gold, the withered old c*cksucker discovered a g*ddamned way to reverse the f*cking process.
• All the g*ddamned stars in the m*therf*cking heavens were out in full c*nt-chomping glory at Radio Sh*tty Music Hall the other g*ddamned night for the fart-felching premier of "Sex in the screw-me-where-I-poo City." Cynthia "D*ke-puncher" Nixon, Kim "Cum-Gargler" Cattral, Kristin "Please-punch-me-in-the-face-until-I'm-f*cking-dead" Davis, and Sarah *ssica C*ntica Tw*tica Puker were all on hand to celebrate the *ss-humping feel-good movie of the g*ddamned year, the flick that teaches our little *ss-licking girls how to dress like c*cksucking whores and f*ck every man with a g*ddamned penis crammed in his sh*t stained GI Joe underoos.

We'll be back in a g*ddamned minute after this cl*t-sucking word from FLOMAX. The g*ddamned pill for the m*therf*cking f*ggot who's too g*ddamned old to pee. Keep your sh*tty *sses parked, c*cksuckers.

President Bush Speaks Out On Scott "Doo-doo-head" McClellan's Rude Book o' Fibs

*** FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE ***

My fellow Americans. As God's favorite nation sits a-teeterin' on that abyss thingy, what with twisters tossin mobile homes round like those numbered ping pong balls on the mega-million power ball drawing, and stuff happening like those folks in Iranistan gettin all nuk-ya-ler; not to mention the dollar tankin faster than Pickles after her fifth xanatini and the killy explode-y stuff goin on in Sadder City as part of "Operation Enduring Oops," in our continuating effort to snatch defeat from the jaws of ickiness. Today, just two days after acting sad about Jim-Bob Lunchmeat takin a dirt nap at Arlington after soakin up shrapnel in the dazzling outskirts of Tikrit, and just a week after givin away the pretty twin at our down-home "hump 'er legal now, Goober" barn dance and weenie roast, I just wanted to concentratify on makin sure ol' John "Keating 5" McCain gets electificated come November. Infortunately, I gotta talk to you press folks to rebut (heh-heh...I said "butt") Saggytits McClellan's fibby book of rude fibs. And stuff.

First, Scotty's the kinda fat-ass short-fingered momma's boy me and my frat brothers used to give a purple nurple to after he lost the pledge week soggy biscuit contest. Then we'd all snort some booger sugar off some wasted sorority bitch's boob before having a hilarious lights-out game of grab ass. But enough reminiscifying. I had Pickles read me his book thingy (until she started seeing unicorns and passed out in a puddle of her nicotine stained drool) and he done written stuff that makes a fella wonder what crawled up in his vagina and croaked.

"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
--George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 12, 2008

Like for instance he says things like me, the decider, decided to "turn away from candor and honesty when those qualities were most needed." Well excuse me, Little Miss Uppity McLardass. As president it's my job to presidenticate. I'm the boss, buckaroo. That means I don't gotta listen to stuff that makes me think stuff. Nor am I oblimated to listen to stuff I don't understand good. He also says mean stuff about Congo-Lesbo Rice and Karl "Turd blossom" Rove and how we made up some propergander about Sadam and Osama givin each other crabs while riding each other like camels on a pile of yeller cake. But worst of all, he says that I fed him fibs to tell the press about how Scooter and Turdy had a circle jerk with Novak and that skirt from the Times to expose some snotty spy broad with legs up to her tits. Well, duh! If a feller don't know he's fibbin, then he just guessifying. Like that one time I guessified New Orleans negroes could swim.

Well I got a message for you, Scotty O'Mantits McFag: you weren't no prize yourself. Every time you gave one of them briefings you sweated and stammered like Foley at a Boy Scout Jamboree. If my administrication was all about wrappin poo up in shiny paper and convincing the stupid publick it's Russell-Stovers, you sure never got the hang of it. Sit on that and spin, butt-wipe.

Thank you, and may God blessify America.

"There is no doubt in my mind when history was written, the final page will say: Victory was achieved by the United States of America for the good of the world."
--George W. Bush, addressing U.S. troops at Camp Arifjan in Kuwait, Jan. 12, 2008 (WAM: He really does want to be the last president)

Family Fun Time With Beverly LaHaye

Dear fellow brothers and sisters in Jesus Christ:

Good morning! Doesn't it seem as if all those rude news people can talk about is earthquakes and Hillary Clinton and cyclones and homosexuals? Wouldn't you like some good news for a change? I thought so. That is why I, Beverly LaHaye (founder of Concerned Women for America, denture-wearer) have taken a break from hurling dead fetuses at those harlots traipsing in and out of Planned Parenthood to bring you a smattering of Godly, family-focused news that the homosexual Jewish conspiracy doesn't want you to hear. Glory!

• DOOMSDAY AVERTED: Back in November, apparently in reaction to the fact that Jesus' favorite nation appears likely to be led by either an uppity negro or a crabby lesbian, a Russkie by the name of Father Pyotr (honestly, why can't these foreigners talk American like Jesus?) convinced three dozen folks that the world was about to end. So they all dug a tunnel into the dirt and sat there to wait. This is patently un-Christian, as sitting in a mass grave is hardly the sort of P.R. Jesus prefers. Besides, us righteous folks will be yanked skyward into the swarthy bosom of God when The End of Times commences. I don't recommend waiting in a cave. I've personally had break-away ceilings installed in my house in case The Rapture occurs whilst I'm at home reading the Bible or painting fresh "Die Fags Die" posters. Long story short, after a few cave-ins and deaths, they have finally re-emerged, begrudgingly admitting that Judgement Day isn't quite as imminent as they had hoped. Life is full of disappointments, isn't it? Praise!
• GETTING ALL "OLD TESTAMENT" ON YOUR FANNIES: Whilst enjoying a lovely father-son camping trip in Colorado, Jack Berry told his son Jeremiah that God told him that he had to be a good son and get a sex change so that his Daddy could marry him. To prove his point, he followed God's instructions by not sparing the rod, and did that thing to his son's fanny that makes the baby Jesus barf. His son, apparently possessed by beelzebub, rudely broke that "honor thy father" commandment by acting stabby with him (presumably on his own, without the benefit of divine instructions), after which he fed his daddy's noggin to a coyote. Now, as the Bible teaches us, sometimes God tells us to do stuff we don't like, such as being nice to people or caring about the poor. A true Christian would have just  gritted his teeth and taken one up his Leviticus hole while thinking of his favorite psalm. Elsewhere in Colorado, the time has come again for the Daddy-Girl chastity sock-hop, wherein Christian men get married to their daughters, who pledge never to let a boy near their filthy bits. While this does sound a little bit incestuous, remember the Bible has no problem with a little wholesome family fun. This is particularly true in the Old Testament (the Jewishest of the Testaments, by the by), where families used to amuse themselves in the oddest ways (remember, this was before Scattergories). As long as there's no homo shenanigans in the mix, God is fine with it. Glory!
• YOUR HELL-BOUND CHILDREN: Although Jesus hates it when a woman lets one of satan's doctors hoover a womb booger from her sin hole, he has very little objection to killing them once they've popped out. In fact, the Bible is chock full of baby slaughter. Why? Because children are sassy. Take for instance the story of a 7-year-old from the phallic (and therefore hell-bound) state of Florida, who beat up his grandmother in the middle of a Wal-Mart for refusing to buy him chicken wings. Although I can sympathize (those Wal-Mart wings are to DIE for), it's hardly acceptable behavior. One does not punch out gam-gam in public! How refreshing, then, to hear of a Godly family of Nigerian negros who wisely pre-emptively addressed sassy child syndrome by cutting out their childrens' tongues and safety pinning their yaps shut. It reminds me of the godly Mrs. Lynne Paddock of North Carolina who, following the instructions she found on Michael and Debi Pearl's Jesus-tastic parenting advice site www.nogreaterjoy.com, beat her tantrum-prone four-year-old to death with plumbing supplies. Of course the Nigerian negros and Mrs. Paddock are currently violating Deuteronomy with crack dealers in maximum security. That's what happens when one removes the Ten Commandments from the courthouse. Praise!
• REPUBLICAN KNEE-SLAPPERS: Although Mary unwisely chose to ride a donkey into Bethlehem rather than an elephant (much less an armored Humvee; they were in the volatile Middle East, after all), it has been long established that Jesus is a red-blooded, fig tree cursing Republican. In spite of the fact that the Son of God had inconvenient things to say about healing the sick and the meek inheriting things, any student of the Bible knows he's really on the side of corporate interests, tax shelters, and pre-emptive war. Unfortunately, somehow the GOP has gained a reputation as a grim cabal of humorless good-ol-boy stick-in-the-muds. Why, when our Republican politicians aren't ministering to randy salesmen in airport mens rooms or fellating lobbyists, they're truly a bunch of cut-ups. For instance, over the weekend, John "Keating 5" McCain took a break from honoring his pill-popping beer heiress wife by calling her a c*nt and appeared on that show the youngsters are talking about, Saturday Night Live. After reading some hilarious cue cards (and, unfortch, singing Streisand), polls show that young voters found him slightly less cadaver-like and creepy. Just two days earlier, Mike "Sheckie" Hukabee cracked a side-splitting off-the-cuff joke about a certain uppity negro candidate being assassinated. Heavens! I laughed so hard I spit a mouthful of half-masticated malomars across the room! Glory!

Coming this Fall: "Swee-tards" (Bonus: COWA Pitches New Reality Series!)

Whilst combing the interweb for something fresh to ridicule, we happened upon an item on TMZ. Apparently someone is developing a reality/dating show for mentally disabled folks, and posted an ad on craigslist for contestants. This makes perfect sense to us, because anyone who would respond to such an ad would qualify by default.

Okay. Even a person who—say, wears a helmet to bed—needs love. We were not unmoved by Shaun Cassidy's groundbreaking performance in "Like Normal People," wherein two people with the mental capacity of a sack of hammers meet and fall in love (remade decades later as "Sleepless in Seattle"). And while one might make the case that shows like "The Bachelor," "Flavor of Love," and "I Love New York" have saturated the "let's watch retards court each other" niche, we still can't help but feel there's something icky and exploitive about this. But of course, we'd TOTALLY watch it.

Below, we've provided not only an exclusive look at the projected winning couple (attained by our resourceful and amoral operatives), but have decided to pitch our own reality shows whose collective aim is to obliterate the remaining scraps of good taste from the American cultural landscape. Enjoy!

"SWEE-TARDS" PROJECTED WINNERS

NAME: Bipsy McGaw AGE: 72-and-a-half TURN ONS: Fingerpaints, Bugs Bunny, Fisting TURN OFFS: the boogeyman STATEMENT: One time I went down the slide at the park but I peed my pants so I got stuck. Then I played a game with the other kids called “I bet I can throw a rock at your face.” Cookie Monster!!

NAME: Doody Bandersnatch AGE: poop TURN ONS: poop TURN OFFS: poop STATEMENT: Cookie Monster!!

WAM'S REALITY SHOW PITCH-O-RAMA:

• "BASEMENT BITCHES" WITH JOSEPH FRITZL: Hosted by the gentleman who locked his daughter in the cellar for a decade or three, this show is "Big Brother" meets "Temptation Island" meets "Hogan's Heroes." Object: first one to tunnel out before giving birth to Fritzl's child wins a $5,000 shopping spree at Bed, Bath & Beyond.
• "I DIDN'T ORDER THAT" WITH RONALDO: Brazilian soccer star (or "football" star for you tedious Europeans) Ronaldo is stranded on a desert island with a dozen beauties, half of which are female while the other half has a platano tucked away in their bikinis. Each episode promises an eye-popping surprise in a daring new reality show that is part "Bachelor" and part "Snakes on a Plane."
• "WRINKLE FARM" WITH SHARON STONE: In a whacky cross between "Kid Nation" and "Cocoon," two dozen burdensome oldsters are trucked out to a delapidated ghost town in death valley and promptly abandoned. Hidden cameras are placed everywhere, and an increasingly inebriated Sharon Stone provides hilarious commentary.
• "HOMO/NOT A HOMO" WITH DINA MATOS-MCGREEVEY: Graduates of Exodus International Ministries' homo-be-gone reparative program are paired with desparate childless women of a certain age. A fascinating hybrid of "The Amazing Race" and "Brokeback Mountain," each couple dashes from circuit party to disco, broadway musical to sample sale in a mad-cap scavenger hunt. The first couple to conceive a child together wins a luxury cruise down de Nile river. Hosted by professionally outraged beard, Dina Matos-McGreevey.

China to Make Duper-Super Happy Talk With Frowny-Sad Dalai Lama Peoples!

Si Ton Dong, CHINA -- Herro, and a duper-super Monday day to China-loving world peoples! Yesterday the happy good non-corrupt government official persons to make chatty time with belligerent representatives of frowny poop-eating Dalai Lama.

This is to showing how China likes to pretend it have super-big boner for peace!

Berow, we are provide the minutes from chatty-meet.

Now ugly sad western media peoples to shut yaps. We extra human lights is now. Fun!

You come orympics now, okay?

MINUTES FROM MEETING TO MAKE HAPPY TALK WITH DALAI LAMA PEOPLES

• Non-corrupt Chinese official (Sum Dum Pu) say hello and make bow. Dalai Lama peoples say hello and make bow. Sum Dum Pu make bow back. Dalai Lama peoples make bow back again. Sum Dum Pu make bow and say for Dalai Lama peoples to sit. Dalai Lama peoples make bow and say for Sum Dum Pu to sit. Sum Dum Pu make bow and say "after you." Dalai Lama peoples make bow and say "you first." Chinese guard person make pointy-gun at Dalai Lama peoples. Dalai Lama peoples sit. Ha! That be two point for us, sucker!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu make tiny talk for to asking "how is your visit to lucky fun China?" Dalai Lama peoples are to saying "is lucky-good but air is brown and smell like yak butt."
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make generous offer of pop-soda to Dalai Lama peoples. Before we give Coke, we play joke by go pee-pee in it. Funny laugh!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu is to making waggy-finger frowny-face to say "Why Dalai Lama wear lady-dress? Why he to play Yahtzee with Nancy Pelosi? Why he get unlucky award from homosex Frenchy peoples?"
• Dalai Lama peoples to say shouty smelly Tibet peoples only to wanting peace. Then Dalai Lama peoples is ask if we to have some poop for them to eating it.
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make waggy-finger angry face to tell Dalai Lama peoples for to stop saying China is making Tibetans do the silly funny cattle prod dance. Frowny Dalai Lama peoples to saying "why come happy laughing Chinese police peoples to making Tibet peoples doing silly funny cattle prod dance?" Sum Dum Pu make foot-stompy shouty sound that "Chinese Police peoples not make bald lady-dress Tibet peoples to doing silly funny cattle prod dance! Now you to closing your fat pie hole or we make YOU do silly funny cattle prod dance!"
• Dalai Lama peoples are smoking that and putting it in their pipe.
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to transform subject and ask Dalai Lama peoples if wanting to make dirty-sex with naughty fun booby-girlies. Dalai Lama peoples are to saying "no,thanks." Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make motion declaring Dalai Lama peoples to be lady-boy homo peoples. Laughy joke!
• Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu to make fist bang-bang on tabletop and yelly sound: "China is duper-super Orympics! China peoples are to having yummy fun doggy-woof chow mein! We are to liking Miss Oryvia Fig-Newton-John-Travolta! Who Tibet peoples got? Hamster-in-fanny Richard Gere? Yelly Bjork lady who wear the birdy flu dress? Ha!"
• Dalai Lama peoples are liking them apples.
• Frowny-bad Dalai Lama peoples to say China not to having human lights. Non-corrupt Sum Dum Pu make stompy-foot fisty-pound shouty-face: "China have human lights! You to stop say stuffs that China no have human lights! If you no stop to say China have no human lights, you go to jaily time with no trial!" I am to estimate we told him!
• Non-corrupt Chinese official person Sum Dum Pu make standing up, offer happy lucky gift-stuffs to poopy Dalai Lama peoples: lucky toothpaste, smiley face fun-toys, and silly fun panda poop orympic souvenirs!
• We go see happy fun show with dancy fat girlies in penguin suits! Yay!