We hear you, ass-whuppers. "Why, oh why," you exclaim, "why can't I find a t-shirt about buttplugs?"
Well, you can put a cork in your kvetching. Because we are thrilled to announce the unveiling of five dazzling new designs. Take note, Ms. Wintour. Prick up your ears, Mr. Lagerfeld. Is there an aching void in your soul that can only be filled by an Aunt Betsy mug? Would a set of greeting cards tastefully paying homage boobie-girlies complete you? The answers to those questions are, of course, "yes."
Thank us not. Just whip out your MasterCard and clothe your pets and family. Adorn your fridge with fagnets. Do it.
And to help us roll out our gorgeous summer line of COWA t-shirts (and other Crap You Covet), we have enlisted four regular guest contributors to provide the romance copy.
Clicking on the t-shirts will open a new window which will enable you to enlarge, browse and of course purchase at Cafe Press.
The first two designs (also available in "Jesus Asks What I Would Do")...
Glory! As I wrote in the last edition of God-Beat, my gospel choir The Peducah Praise Singers recently sold out of J.A.W.I.W.D. (Jesus Asks What I Would Do) t-shirts after performing our latest single "My Fanny's an Exit" at the Fayetteville Rapture Daze BBQ and Hootenanny. When the last XXL was sold, we narrowly avoided a riot when a quick-thinking Trudy Plank told a little fib about deep fried Ho-Hos being sold 'round back the Daniel's Den Petting Zoo! Praise be to Jesus, that nice Mr. WAM has stepped in to the fill the demand. It was awfully nice of him to also create a W.W.J.B.D. t-shirt! Because when faced with a moral dilemma, I like to ask what I would do, and I often end up doing just that! I personally purchased 100-packs of J.A.W.I.W.D. and W.W.J.B.D stickers and spent a giddy afternoon pasting them on everything in my house! (my new ferret Baroness Betty Bounce-alot didn't particularly care for the sticker I slapped on her, but she'll get used to it.) And although I disapprove of thongs, as I believe Jesus gets nervous when anything gets near a Christian's buttcrack, I'm sure The Lord has blessed my new W.W.J.B.D. thong! Glory!
-- Jeannie Bladdersham
The next design...
Well hidee-didee-doodle-all-day! Here I sit, cozily ensconced in my gorgeous (and freshly Scotch-Guarded) House Beautiful divan with Okra-and-Peach Floral Explosion upholstery. I've just finished a yummy plate of microwaved leftover poodle casserole (note to self: send a sympathy card to Lance and Bruce, the sodomites next door whose insufferable pet seems to have wandered off. LOL.) And now, fully sated, I can enjoy the satisfaction of gazing with pride at my trophy case which is stuffed to the gills with all my Tournament Level Yahtzee trophies. When I'm not answering scads of pitiful letters from desperate advice-seekers, I'm either playing Yahtzee, thinking about Yahtzee, or refereeing a Tournament Regulation sudden-death tie-breaking Yahtzee knife fight. It was inevitable, natch, that my regal visage would be immortalized in t-shirt form. "Confessions of a Yahtzee Nazi" indeed! I wonder if that darling dog shirt would fit my kitty cat Mr. Sillypants? If not I can always re-gift it to Lance and Bruce! LOL!
-- Aunt Betsy
Followed by this design...
Herro, and welcome for coming! I so so so am to riking this shirt of tee! It show twelve happy fun China girlie peoples who are to having funny neglo aflo hair stuffs! They are to waking up dragon in my Aquaman Underoos! As Mister Shake-a-spear is to saying: "Some peoples are born naughty-fun boobie-girly, other peoples are to achieve a naughty-fun boobie-girly, and every other peoples are having naughty-fun boobie girly thrust upon their stuffs!" Which one are you to being, yankee boy? If we to give Naughty-Fun Boobie-Girly shirts to poopy sad Tibet peoples, they no to making us do stompy angry sending laughy happy pow-guns to make them do funny jerky bullet dance! Then all stuffs be dory-hunky! WE ARE WANTING TO MAKE BOUNCY SEXY STUFFS WITH NAUGHTY-FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY! WE ARE TO WEARING NAUGHTY FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY TANK TOP! WE CARRY NAUGHTY-FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY WATER BOTTLE IN HAPPY GOOD NAUGHTY-FUN BOOBIE-GIRLY TOTE BAG!! DOKIE-OKIE?
When butt-banging sphincter boy WAM asked me to provide my c*nt-fisting critique of his c*ck-smoking m*therf*cking t-shirt design, how could I say "no" to the ass-spelunking jizz-gargler? And I must say I admire this goddamned design. Indeed, finger-popping sh*t suckers, Buttplugs are NOT just for Homos Anymore. What d*ck-slurping expectant mother wouldn't love to be seen at the rectum-poking A&P in her "Buttplugs" maternity tee? And once her stank-ass butt-ramming queef-box shoots her gash-banging sh*t-machine baby from her dong-squatting goddamned bloody-ass thighs, she can clothe her lil' ass-bandit in a "Buttplugs" onesie. This goddamned design is so m*therf*cking chic, it's making me squirt some f*ckin bitch-c*m outa my muff-punching goddamned boner box!
-- Sailor Talkin' Sue