Is that you?
What do you say we sashay over to the starlight lounge, slide into a booth near the back (where the lights are mercifully low) and order a round or nine of pink squirrels in a dirty glass?
Well. Get a load of you. With your thin-lipped "don't give me no sass, mister" bowling alley waitress expression and your Adrienne Barbeau wig (the one she wore just before she was hacked to death by a leprous fog monster in that movie in which Adrienne Barbeau gets hacked to death by a leprous fog monster).
Aside: if we were a fog monster with leprosy looking for someone to hack to death, Adrienne Barbeau would certainly make the short-list. Just FYI.
So. Why the pout on your puss? Don't you know that (according to Queerty) if a balding sex symbol wants to fan-kick his way back from the brink of has-been-ville, all he has to do is play a homo who either a) dies in the final reel, or b) puts on a dress and minces about like Charo on The Love Boat? You're fortunate enough to work in the only industry on earth where if a man tarts himself up like a Tuscaloosa trailer park Craigslist hooker, he's called "brave" and "daring" (although we suspect it would be braver and daring-er for, say, an oil rig worker to show up to work in that get-up). So what do you say we turn that frown upside-down?
You look like (pick one):
- Elijah Wood starring in "The Joan Jett Story"
- Hee-Haw honey Barbi Benton's loitering mugshot
- Orlando Bloom's yearbook photo
- Someone Eddie Murphy would quite enjoy giving a lift home
- That woman who played Jennifer of the Jungle on The Electric Company
- Your tuck is chaffing your taint
- A production still from Winona Ryder's after-school special "Not Without My Xanax"
What's Jude packing in his aquaman underoos? It's a subscription to this blog's feed!