A law recently passed by Iran's parliament, and due to be approved by the guardian council (those men who flounce about in turbans and caftans like Eartha Kitt) aims to execute bloggers who "write about or promote illegal activities." According to Al Jazeera, there are currently 60,000 Farsi-written blogs in Iran and the nervous fundamentalists are hell-bent to shield its populace from the dangerous ideas that inevitably result from free thought.
So while the mullahs are hunched over their laptops Googling "apostasy" "ass-sex" and "chita rivera" in an effort to decide whom to stone or hang next, we thought we might do our best to distract them so that our Iranian bloggers-in-arms may escape their scrutiny. Sound fun?
Friday March 27, 2009: Ayatollah Kahmenei Sings Showtunes
At the end of the day, when no one's around, the Supreme Leader Ayatollah Kahmenei pulls down the blinds. His heart all a-flutter, he dashes about dressing up like Mary Martin and firing up his karaoke machine. When everything's set, he performs an enthusiastic rendition of "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Outa My Hair" from "South Pacific." Other songs in His Holiness' repertoire include "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" from "Dreamgirls" (his Jennifer Holiday is uncanny) and "We Had a Real Nice Clambake" from "Carousel." How he wishes he could find other clerics who shared his interests; he's memorized all the cute choreography in "Steam Heat" from "Pajama Game" (as long as the Ayatollah can play the Carol Haney part).
Thursday March 26, 2009: Did Muhammad Wear Panties on His Head and Whistle at Sailors?
A shocking discovery revealed by an ancient stone tablet found in an archaeological site outside Medina proves that Muhammad (prior to receiving instructions from Allah to permanently f*ck up the Middle East) amused himself by wearing ladies undergarments on his head and cat-calling lasciviously at lonely seamen on shore leave. He quickly gained a reputation as the sort of rude young man who'd give naked camel rides to randy rear admirals in exchange for a couple riyals and a bottle of myrrh.
Wednesday March 25, 2009: Hilarious Hajj Pranks!
1) A flaming bag of dog poop placed strategically near the Kaaba leads to a eventful Tawaf!
2) As millions are running between the hills of Safa and Marwah, yell "Fire!" or "Soap!" and mayhem will ensue!
3) During your pilgrimage to Arafat: when nobody's looking, discretely drop as many empty condom wrappers as you can along the way! Hilarity will follow!
4) While everyone is busy stoning the devil, go to their tents and leave autographed photos of Liza Minnelli under their pillows. High-jinx shall commence!
Hey, Mullahs! If you subscribe to COWA we'll let you issue a fatwa on our head!