In a couple weeks, the world will descend upon Vancouver to watch lithe pale-complected (non-negro) athletes do an endless series of ill-advised things on snow and ice. We are from Colorado, so we practically skied from the womb (it was a little icy for our first black diamond run), so we are loathe to call all winter sports retarded.
But some of them are.
And now, Can o' Whup-Ass is thrilled to present the medalists for the stoopidest events in the Winter Olympics.
Sure, we enjoy watching nubile little girls (of both sexes) prance, spin, hoist their legs over their noggins and air out their sin holes whilst gliding about a rink to showtune medleys. But this is not a sport. We hear you protest; "these kids are incredibly talented and athletic!" Fine, but so are porn stars (as a side note, no one can beat Jeff Stryker's dismount).
We insist; if one is wearing a sequined costume, one is not competing in a sport. Furthermore, until we see Pocahontas performing the giant slalom or Aladdin Luge-ing at Madison Square Garden, we simply can't take it seriously. If Disney characters do it with any regularity (outside of an acid trip, that is), it is not a sporting event.
Perhaps we could combine figure skating and the biathalon. Give Michele Kwan a rifle and test her marksmanship in between triple lutzing and double salchowing. Just a thought.
Oh, and call us a cynic, but don't you miss Tonya Harding? That was the best year ever for figure skating. Nancy Kerrigan howling "WHY?" for the cameras. Remember? Maybe Tonya Harding should chase the contestants around the ice with a truncheon. Make it interesting.
The sport of lugers. We have about nine million questions about the luge, the first being why would anyone participate in a sport invented by a man named Caspar Badrutt? What was going on in Caspar Badrutt's mind when it occurred to him to take a lie-down on a sled and fly down the Matterhorn whilst yodeling and steering with his thighs? Wouldn't you prefer to take the gondola? If one is lying down, can one actually be competing in a sport (bringing us back to the porno analogy)? Lugers strike us as particuarly lazy in that regard. You're competing at the Olympics, for heaven's sake. You could at least sit up!
Moving on, how was Caspar Badrutt able to convince others to drink his particularly kookie flavor of Kool-Aid? Why isn't saucering a sport? We'd be interested in seeing folks compete in the saucer event. In the doubles luge, what happens if your partner pops a boner? All roads lead to Rome, and all these questions lead to the same conclusion:
Luging is retarded.
But speaking of porn, should we ever embark on a career in the field, we've decided our name will be Caspar Radbutt.
First, the biathalon. We can say without the slightest hesitation that the day we wake up obliged to cross-country ski twenty miles whilst shooting at things will undoubtedly be the worst day of our life. How is this a practical pastime? We know skiers, we know hunters, but we've never met a hunt-skier. It strikes us as an excessively irresponsible hobby.
Why combine those two particular skills? Why not, say, bobsledding and badminton? Or speed skating and knitting? We'd be interested in seeing Apolo Anton Yoko Ohno (or whatever his name is) crocheting a lovely scarf on the short track.
Second, we have curling. Second only to the biathalon, should we ever find ourselves on a frozen lake sweeping a path for a stone, we will have been long overdue to take serious personal inventory. Invented by the Scots and perfected by the Canadians (possibly the only thing ever to be perfected by the Canadians) one feels pity for the people obsessed by it. Haven't they heard of internet porn? There are so many more productive, enjoyable ways to spend an afternoon. We can think of many things we'd rather do, including drilling screws into our toes whilst listening to Tori Amos.
Besides which, isn't curling basically shuffleboard for eskimos? Until we see summer Olympians medaling in croquet and shuffleboard and mah-jong, you cannot convince us that any curler really deserves to stand on a podium mouthing the words to "O Canada."
Medaling in snow angel-ing sounds no less legitimate.
That is all.
Tonya Harding sez: "Subscribe to this blog's feed or the snotty bitch gets it in the knee cap."