Can O' Whup-Ass

The Stoopidest Winter Olympics Events Medal Ceremony

In a couple weeks, the world will descend upon Vancouver to watch lithe pale-complected (non-negro) athletes do an endless series of ill-advised things on snow and ice. We are from Colorado, so we practically skied from the womb (it was a little icy for our first black diamond run), so we are loathe to call all winter sports retarded.

But some of them are.

And now, Can o' Whup-Ass is thrilled to present the medalists for the stoopidest events in the Winter Olympics.

BRONZE: FIGURE SKATING

Sure, we enjoy watching nubile little girls (of both sexes) prance, spin, hoist their legs over their noggins and air out their sin holes whilst gliding about a rink to showtune medleys. But this is not a sport. We hear you protest; "these kids are incredibly talented and athletic!" Fine, but so are porn stars (as a side note, no one can beat Jeff Stryker's dismount).

We insist; if one is wearing a sequined costume, one is not competing in a sport. Furthermore, until we see Pocahontas performing the giant slalom or Aladdin Luge-ing at Madison Square Garden, we simply can't take it seriously. If Disney characters do it with any regularity (outside of an acid trip, that is), it is not a sporting event.

Perhaps we could combine figure skating and the biathalon. Give Michele Kwan a rifle and test her marksmanship in between triple lutzing and double salchowing. Just a thought.

Oh, and call us a cynic, but don't you miss Tonya Harding? That was the best year ever for figure skating. Nancy Kerrigan howling "WHY?" for the cameras. Remember? Maybe Tonya Harding should chase the contestants around the ice with a truncheon. Make it interesting.

SILVER: THE LUGE/SKELETON (DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?)

The sport of lugers. We have about nine million questions about the luge, the first being why would anyone participate in a sport invented by a man named Caspar Badrutt? What was going on in Caspar Badrutt's mind when it occurred to him to take a lie-down on a sled and fly down the Matterhorn whilst yodeling and steering with his thighs? Wouldn't you prefer to take the gondola? If one is lying down, can one actually be competing in a sport (bringing us back to the porno analogy)? Lugers strike us as particuarly lazy in that regard. You're competing at the Olympics, for heaven's sake. You could at least sit up!

Moving on, how was Caspar Badrutt able to convince others to drink his particularly kookie flavor of Kool-Aid? Why isn't saucering a sport? We'd be interested in seeing folks compete in the saucer event. In the doubles luge, what happens if your partner pops a boner? All roads lead to Rome, and all these questions lead to the same conclusion:

Luging is retarded.

But speaking of porn, should we ever embark on a career in the field, we've decided our name will be Caspar Radbutt.

GOLD: IT'S A TIE! BIATHALON/CURLING

First, the biathalon. We can say without the slightest hesitation that the day we wake up obliged to cross-country ski twenty miles whilst shooting at things will undoubtedly be the worst day of our life. How is this a practical pastime? We know skiers, we know hunters, but we've never met a hunt-skier. It strikes us as an excessively irresponsible hobby.

Why combine those two particular skills? Why not, say, bobsledding and badminton? Or speed skating and knitting? We'd be interested in seeing Apolo Anton Yoko Ohno (or whatever his name is) crocheting a lovely scarf on the short track.

Second, we have curling. Second only to the biathalon, should we ever find ourselves on a frozen lake sweeping a path for a stone, we will have been long overdue to take serious personal inventory. Invented by the Scots and perfected by the Canadians (possibly the only thing ever to be perfected by the Canadians) one feels pity for the people obsessed by it. Haven't they heard of internet porn? There are so many more productive,  enjoyable ways to spend an afternoon. We can think of many things we'd rather do, including drilling screws into our toes whilst listening to Tori Amos. 

Besides which, isn't curling basically shuffleboard for eskimos? Until we see summer Olympians medaling in croquet and shuffleboard and mah-jong, you cannot convince us that any curler really deserves to stand on a podium mouthing the words to "O Canada."

Medaling in snow angel-ing sounds no less legitimate.

That is all.

xox
WAM

Tonya Harding sez: "Subscribe to this blog's feed or the snotty bitch gets it in the knee cap."

Hippy-Dippy Hoolay Time! It's China's Duper-Super Webbynet Chat Loom!

Welcome for coming! We are to being happy stuffs because surfy fun-time on webbynet! There is to being people persons in cyber-rand who to saying poopy Google peoples crosing Chinese blowser stuffs. Google peoples to say belligerent stuffs about China censorfun! Google peoples to say China people person do hacky game with frowny bad dissident emails! To this we are to saying "hoo-fligging-boo." Other smelly sad yankee peoples are to saying we plant peoples from lucky good People's Party in chat looms to steer conversations to happy fun plopaganda. That is to being road of cocky-pop!

Glorious China webbynet is to being totarry non-censor stuffs and compretery flee! You are to putting those apples in pipe for smoking! And we to putting our yuan where our face-hole to being!

Herro and welcome dance! Indutrocing the Duper-Super Non-Censor China Webby Net Chat Loom! Laughy fun time!

DUPER-SUPER CHINA WEBBYNET CHAT LOOM

SUBJECT: MR. GAY CHINA

Comment: Hi Chinesey folks, I was watching Meredith Viera leer like a Tuscaloosa whore at that darling Matt Lauer when suddenly I started listening to what she was saying; some oriental homosexuals (horientuals?) were trying to have a beauty pageant but the Chinesy police shut 'em down. That wasn't very nice. Why, my best friend Sally Kerns has a son who's a fairy and he's just as sweet as he can be, bless his heart. He has a way with throw pillows and his room mate Brandon is a darling (I just wish he'd put a shirt on at family functions). I say if the gays want to put on gowns and prance down the runway like Carrie Prejean, where's the harm in it? As long as they can't marry or live next to children, I don't see why we can't treat them as if they were people. Let your horientuals have their cute pageant. Signed, Jeannie Bladdersham aka Jesuslovesferrets

Response: Most honorable Braddersham lady, my name is Frank and I am to living in the not Chinese city of Idaho. I am to make disagreement time. Happy good Chinese police persons do not to making poopy fanny poking humposexuals stopping to have frowny pageant. The humposexuals took the poppers and got lost on their way to the pageant place. Glorious nation of China not to wanting unrucky gay pageant. If all the gays to put on crowns and swimmy suits, social order corrapse! That is to being bad for party! Signed, Flank aka Maopower

SUBJECT: BAIDU SUCKS YAK BUTT

Comment: My name is to being Kum Ming Dong. I to hearing that Google is to make bye-bye time. That make Dong to dripping with cry water. Last time Dong do Google search on "naughty fun boobie girly" Dong sit up straight at two naughty fun boobie girlies who have one cup on YouTube. Those boobie girlies are so so naughty time! But when I go on Baidu for to searching "naughty fun boobie girlies" all I to getting is Chairman Mao poem about a kitty cat. Or if Dong to make Baidu search on "Palis Hirton oopsie hole," I not get naughty movie-show of Palis Hirton, instead I get Chairman Mao recipe for puppy dog chow mein. Baidu is to sucking yak butt. At reast can Baidu make compromise? Let Dong to watch a movie-show called "Two Maos, one cup"? That is to being excerrent idea stuffs. Make wait-time, someone is to doing knocky knock on door. BLB.

Response: You not to make frowny bad naughty time on webbynet any more. You are not to "be light back," because that knocky knock on door was happy good police. You to going to lucky good re-educational camp for to learn silly good cattle prod dance! Welcome for going, poopy face!

SUBJECT: TIBET

Comment: The people of Tibet are suffering under their seventh decade of iron fisted PRC rule and all they want is to be happy and free. They long to celebrate the return of the Dalai Lama, whose long exile is and act of a paranoid, evil and godless government. I suspect Tibet will eventually win its independence and China will eat crow. The PRC is occupied by lying, corrupt dogs.

Response: I edited your comment so it to saying what you really are to meaning. Welcome so much!

***

On a personal note, we're not surprised that COWA's blocked in China. Try searching "Can o' Whup-Ass" on Google. Now try it on Baidu. Nuff said?

Howev, we find it odd that COWA's Sino-file archive has seen a huge increase of hits lately (mostly from China or "Unknown"), and every time we do a search on "China," "censorship," "Google," and we click on a related link in the results, our browser crashes (it doesn't happen with other searches). 

Are we being monitored?

In September, we had the following comment to our post "Lucky Fun China to Wish you Have Duper-Super Year of Rat Earth Day":

"beijing08: I'm not the biggest fan of this post in my opinion."

To which we replied:

"Hi, beijing: In my opinion, you ARE the biggest fan of this post. Let's aglee to disaglee, m'kay?"

So to the Chinese web monitor who we suspect might be leading our brog (is that YOU beijing08?): Welcome for coming!

Beijing08 sez: "I'm not the biggest fan of this brog in my opinion. But WAM begs to differ and told me to subsclibe to this brog's feed."

Uganda, Mon Amour...

In 1994, three Rwandan dudes with annoying names (Jean-Bosco Barayagwiza, Ferdinand Nahimana and Hassan Ngeze), took to the airwaves. Encouraging the use of machetes (in order to save bullets) they called all Tutsis and moderate Hutus "cockroaches." The Rwandans listened. The ensuing hackfest was the efficientest genocide ever; 800,000 slaughtered in 90 days. Evench, the three radio dudes were convicted of inciting crimes against humanity. Flash forward.

Ten months ago, three American dudes with equally annoying names (Scott Lively, Caleb Lee Brundidge and Don Schmierer) decided to go to Uganda, where they got all evangelical at a conference about how the dreaded "gay agenda" was threatening the "Bible-based values of the traditional African family." The Ugandans listened. A month later, the dude who sponsored the conference introduced a bill that calls for the execution of the gays. It's expected to become law soon.

Bitch, Stevie Wonder could see the parallel. 

Think we might have something to say about this? Um, yep.

First, to Africa in general:

Dear Africa,

What exactly crawled up your butt? Aren't you busy enough, what with running from hyenas and ebola monkeys and walking 75 miles to market every day with jugfuls of zebra scrotums on your noggins? Where do you find the time for all your pirating, raping and genociding?

Yadda-yadda-yadda. Fine, we're making xenophobic generalizations. Fine, you have no history of bloody dictatorships.* Fine, you aren't constantly at war with each other. Fine, your children are well-fed. Fine, you don't hack off girls' clitori  because you think it makes them sexy, or steal penises to make ooga-booga stew.

Need we remind you that Africa is the AIDS-iest town in the universe? These days the "traditional African family" you're so hell-bent on protecting from Lance Bass consists of four malaria-infested AIDS orphans crouching in a mud hut eating crickets. Furthermore, if your "straight" men could resist having unprotected buttsex you'd be a lot less AIDS-y. Feel that.

We are unafraid to tell you to your face what the rest of the world has been thinking for ages. Your retarded behavior as a continent grows increasingly tiresome. Shape up or the other six of us are going to vote you off the planet and sell you to Uranus.

xox
WAM

*P.S. We actually have a negro president who isn't a neurotic despot (if the birthers ever needed proof that he wasn't born in Africa, that's it).

Next, to Uganda:

Dear Uganda,

Idi Amin. Milton Obote. The Lord's Resistance Army. You do have a hard-on for violence, don't you?

True, the Bible you revere is also violent; it instructs folks to throw rocks at homos until they're dead, but it instructs us to do the same with sassy children and prostitutes (you know, the women who help you give AIDS to your wives). Moreover, Jesus once told the Philistines (with whom you've got plenty in common) "prostitutes and tax collectors are entering heaven before you," so we would advise against looking to the old testament for ethical guidance.

Howev, thank you for creating the kind of country that our evangelicals are trying to create right here in America. Because since our tedious constitution prevents them from having homos executed, they might very well all decide to move to Uganda. We can only pray.

Furthermore, it's good to know that if white folk come to your country you'll do whatever they say. We'll book our flight tomorrow. We'll be the keynote speaker at our own conference, called "Uganda: go f*ck yourself." Punch and cookies will be served.

Finally, if you really want to protect your Godly families, we might suggest that you stop sacrificing your children.

xox
WAM   

Finally, a note to the Hague:

Hi Hague,

Pssst. Listen, here's the deal. In 2003 your International Criminal Court indicted Uganda's Lord's Resistance Army, who, while trying to force Uganda and the D.R. Congo to live by the Ten Commandments, conveniently exempted themselves from commandments 6 and 7 as they raped and murdered the populace by the thousands.

With that in mind, should Uganda enact its homo-hanging law, we'd be happy to deliver Scott Lively, Caleb Lee Brundidge and Don Schmierer to stand trial for inciting genocide and crimes against humanity. As a matter of fact, seeing as how anti-gay violence is escalating right here at home, we might also deliver Rush Limbaugh, "Dr." Laura Schlessinger and Michael Savage while we're at it. They regularly spew hate on radio just like the Rwanda dudes.

Sure, you probably won't be able to convict them, but we'd be happy to have them out of our country for a while.

Thanks in advance.

xox
WAM

Idi Amin sez: "Hell would be such a dreary place without my subscription to this blog's feed."

Post-its of Friendly Concern: 2010 Edition

Our long absence from this space is attributable to a bout with the flu, a nasty eye injury and the unforeseen onset of end-of-the-worst-year-ever apathy.

Nevertheless, incidents are occurring. Blips on our radar screen, each pregnant with the promise that 2010 will be just as retarded as the aughts. And we've decided that should we repress our ass-whuppitude for another minute, we'll likely bust. Ready?

POST-IT NUMBER 1 — To Gary Stewart, the Rude Homo Who Kidnapped His Lesbian Neighbors' Three-Legged Kitty-Cat 

Dear Mr. Stewart:

Lesbian cat-lovers are admittedly insufferable. Not only that, it's an indisputable universal truth that three-legged pets are irritating. They hop around, pretending everything's hunky-dory when clearly everything is not. It was careless of them to misplace a limb.

Be that as it may, Mr. Stewart, not only was it ill-advised to kidnap your lesbian neighbors' wretched feline tripod, it was sloppy to have been caught in the act.

Furthermore, when you mixed slug pellets into a take-away curry dish and presented it to those tedious sapphic amputee aficionados as a peace offering, it betrayed your woeful lack of expertise in the area of ridding one's block of be-flanneled rug munchers (for inst, every homo knows it's far more effective to hire k.d. lang to coax them into a humane lesbian trap and release them into a distant Home Depot parking lot). But slug pellets and curry is hardly an effective recipe for Lez-b-Gone.

xox
WAM

POST-IT NUMBER 2 — To Ivana Trump, Baby Curser-Outer

Dearest Ivana,

We were troubled by recent accounts of how you were physically escorted from an aircraft when screaming children infiltrated first class, triggering a terrifying relapse of your post-traumatic stress disorder.

After all, those horrific memories of playing the Rusty Trump-bone must be repressed for sanity's sake. Goodness, we'd sooner felch Karl Rove than bump uglies with The Donald; who, aside from owning the world's most architecturally unstable comb-over, is the ghastliest tub of paste in the Milky Way Galaxy.

Nevertheless, a classy dame such as yourself simply does not charge the cockpit of an airliner after screaming at a baby and calling it a "little f*cker."  Don't get us wrong. We sympathize, and secretly believe the major airlines should require all under-fivers to be shoved into baby kennels and checked as baggage.

At the very least, one wonders why the Valium people haven't introduced Teletubby-shaped chewables. The world would be infinitely pleasanter. Agreed?

xox
WAM

POST-IT NUMBER 3 — Attention Chattanooga Wal-Mart Shoppers

Dear Chattanooga Wal-Mart Shoppers:

We hear you. Times are hard. To add insult to injury, y'all live in Chattanooga. But any time you need some cheap entertainment, simply pile the family into the Caravan and head to your neighborhood Wal-Mart.

It seems some fellow Chattanoogans recently performed a dazzling piece of Wal-Mart performance art (Walm-Art?). First, a man attempted to circumvent the cashiers by strolling through the exit pushing a cart filled with flat screened TVs. When questioned by a security guard, a woman nearby started having a heart attack. Suddenly, a witness told the guard the heart-attack-haver was actually the shoplifter's wife and was faking it. Perturbed by having her shenanigans exposed, the woman experienced a miraculous recovery and followed witness into the parking lot and attacked her. Then the witness stabbed the woman with a pocket knife.

We consider "Wal-Mart Heist Gone Awry" to be a brilliantly scathing satire depicting that "real America" about which Sarah Palin waxed so eloquently.  

Kudos and bravo!

xox
WAM

POST-IT NUMBER 4 — To the Best Aussie Dad in All of Queensland

G'day Mate!

As the show-tune goes, when one plants a radish one gets a radish, not a brussel sprout. But with children, sometimes the son you dreamt would grow up to play rugby and bang broads suddenly starts skipping about wearing purple blouses and lip-syncing to Cher. Relax, this is nothing more than Yahweh having a good laugh at your expense.

But should you plant a zucchini and harvest a kumquat, you'd do well to love the kumquat for being a kumquat. We'd advise against forcing the kumquat to bone a hooker. But you did just that, and stood outside the door, threatening your terrified 14-year-old son that he wasn't going home until he produced a used condom as evidence of the deed.

Because when one forces an under-aged boy into sex, it's called child rape. And now you're charged with the rape of your son. And now you'll likely end up in a sad place where men like you learn exactly how to be a kumquat (you'll be delighted to discover it's remarkably similar to rugby).

And that, my dears, is irony.

xox
WAM

FINALLY — THE FIRST-EVER WAM PLUG

A very good friend of ours has written and directed a truly hilarious 2-minute movie and it's entered in the Nikon 2-minute film competition. Check it out. It's short, clever, and we laffed outloud several times.

His name is Rob Muraskin and his film's called "Carpool Therapy: First Day"

Vote for him. He's a gifted dude and he deserves the prize.

Ivana sez: "Every time I start to remember The Donald in his Aquaman Underoos, I remember my subscription to this blog's feed and life seems bearable again."