As we all know, two thousand years ago a young Jewess got knocked up by a dove. Nine months later, she waddled into a barn where our messiah plopped from 'twixt her bloody thighs. Today, to celebrate, we trample Wal-mart sales clerks to death in our race to purchase playstations. We chop down douglas firs by the millions and tart 'em up like hooker-trees and display them in our living rooms. Sometimes we get groups together, tresspass onto our neighbor's property, and start caterwauling at the top of our lungs about how silent the night is.
Of course, Christmas is all about the lil' tykes. Yet have we allowed crass consumerism and greed take root in our impressionable young 'uns' heads? Gone are the dancing sugarplums (we are happy to report we've never had a vision of a dancing sugarplum; except that one time in college we experimented with acid, except it wasn't a sugarplum it was more like a Snickers Bar). No, today we can expect bitter tantrums if our precious angel rips our lovingly wrapped gift to find grandma knitted some gay sweater instead of a fresh copy of the World of Warcraft.
So instead of encouraging our children to indulge in selfish materialism, why not delight them with super-fun religious toys? We've picked out a few suggestions. You're welcome.
- THE "JESUS LOVES YOU" BOOMERANG: Jesus loves us, this we know...for the Bible tells us so. So why not encourage our darling tots to spread the good news by hurling hard plastic boomerangs at each other? Watch their surprise when the boomerang circles 'round and takes out their eyes. Laugh.
- ARMOR OF GOD PLAYSET: Jesus is the prince of peace. Nah, just joking! He wants our children to prepare for battle! Start 'em early with this totaly rad six-piece armor collection, including the "Helmet of Salvation," the "Breastplate of Righteousness," the "Belt of Truth," the "Sword of the Spirit," and our personal fave the "Shin Guards of the Preparation of the Gospel of Peace" (because the Gospel of Peace has a habit of kicking us in the shins, doesn't it?). The sooner they learn this bitter lesson, the better. March your lil' Christian soldiers off to war!
- BIBLE BORED BOARD GAMES: First, we have "Bibleopoly!" These days it makes no sense to teach our children to earn money through real estate. Instead, make them play this fun game in which they build churches by the dozen. Laughter ensues when fellow players land on on a church and have to pay hefty "tithes." Just don't draw an "abyss" card! Perhaps you prefer "Bible Land." Are your kids are too fat to play "Candyland?" Force them to roll their dice and traipse through burning bushes, locust plagues, whore stonings and the passover bloodbath. Yay!
- WOODEN HANUKKAH PLAY SET: Aw, are you a hell-bound Jew? Kids feeling left out? Cheer them up with this darling play set. Bask in their squeals of joy as they pretend to cook wooden latkes! They'll be fascinated with the dreidels and pieces of geld for seconds on end! It's not depressing at ALL!!
- BABY MOSES PUZZLE: Is your child retarded? Fret not! This puzzle only has twelve pieces. It could be assembled by Terry Schiavo. It also teaches them that should they grow tiresome, you might send them on a super fun basket ride down the river!
- "WASHED BY HIS BLOOD" T-SHIRT: Do your snotty kids whine about how they only wear Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein? Make them wear this ultra-rad t-shirt that looks like it was designed by the Manson family! Because Jesus died so our sulky teens could wear gore-drenched casuals! Hey, does that come in a onesie??!!
- BIBLE MAN ACTION FIGURE: Is your little boy just a tad fruity? Does he skip hither and yon whilst humming selections from "Mame"? Butch the little fairy up by giving him the Bible Man Action Figure! His purple-clad, muscle-bound physique, his amply stuffed codpiece and long hard sword is bound to ensure you're lil' faggot-in-training will outgrow his unpleasant "playing-with-dolls" phase. And a phase is just what it is. A phase. Shall we freshen your drink for you?
- CRIB MEDALS: Babies are so cute. When they sleep they're just like little drooling pooping angels. Every Christian parent (unless they're flirting with crib death) simply MUST adorn their cribs with these darling crib medals, an assortment of choke-sized guardian angels. Because if our babies must to choke to death, a pewter guardian angel lodged in their lil' windpipes will guarantee their entry into glory!
Baby Jesus sez: "Peace on earth, goodwill to all men, and subscribe to this blog's feed."