Like you, dear readers, from time to time WAM's gorgeous spam-box is stuffed to the gills with kindly letters from totally well-meaning Nigerians who are simply DYING to help us deposit a gazillion dollars in our checking account (if we'd just be a dove and provide them with our banking information and social security number). Known as the 419 or "Spanish Prisoner" scam, it's really the oldest trick out there (not counting Madonna). We're not the first to have fun at their expense (Ebola Monkey did it first and best), nor will we be the last.
But our most recent Nigerian business opportunity was so unique we couldn't resist resurrecting one Ms. Whupassa Stuart Masterson to respond to his heart-wrenching and florid query.
You may read the original spam here, in PDF (alas, it's too long to repeat in this post). The short version goes something like this: The Reverend Ojegbekilo of the dazzling Okuhuke Community Church would like us to know that God is busily blessing Nigeria. But while the good reverend is saving simply oodles of negros from the oily bosom of lucifer, for some reason, most of his converts are too old to read normal bibles. Would we care to help him purchase 20 large print King James versions? Oh, and please help his negro orphans. Got it?
Take it away, Whupassa!
Gosh, I was so thrilled to get your email! It's such a coincidence! I just got back from church. Today, Pastor Mike Huckabee (of the Greater Tuscaloosa Pentecostal Church of Signs Appearing) told us that Jesus wants us to spread the gospel to everyone, even negros and rag-heads. Then he handed out the snakes.
I would love to help you buy Bibles for your old people! My mom, bless her heart, is an old person. Last spring she crashed her Dodge Dart into a cow and ever since she thinks she's Eydie Gormé. So now I keep her chained to the couch.
Anywho, I've got lots of money to send. Back in 1993 I got my eye poked out by an excitable IHOP waitress (who had very strong feelings about not putting ketchup on waffles). So I sued and got $50,000! Unfortunately, half of it's tied up right now because a nice man from your country named Buttfungi Cowabunga wrote to me last month because he's trying to get $10 million out of your country (something to do with a dead oil guy), and all he needed was $25,000 and my account information! So soon I'm going to have even more money to send you! Praise Jesus! In the meantime, I'd be happy to send some casseroles. I could send my famous Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise! Or how about my world renowned Weenies-Velveeta-and-Doritos Yum Pie? I made both for our Annual Fourth of July White Power Picnic and they were both great big fat hits!
But I have some questions. First, what kind of Bibles are you giving to your old folks? I don't want to pay for any homo version. If King James was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! Also, how come you don't want Bibles on tape? I have a Bible on tape read by Sarah Palin and it's just super!
Nigeria sounds beautiful. Is it in France? Do you like french fries? I do, especially with maple syrup (but don't tell that to a certain cranky IHOP waitress who shall remain nameless).
Yours in Christ,
Whupassa Stuart Masterson
We sure hope Reverend Ojegbekilo responds. This could be fun.
Pastor Paul Ojegbekilo sez: "Please send money to Nigeria so our orphans can subscribe to this blog's feed."