ULAN BATOR -- Mongolia sucks ass. It's a miserable place, even worse than Tuscaloosa. There's nothing much to do there, other than sit around in your yurt waiting for the five minutes of summer when your balls become unfrozen from the permafrost of the steppes. Then you ride your yak into the dazzling metropolis of Chuluunkhoroot and spend your hard earned Togrogs on a steaming plate of Khorkhog, which you wash down with fermented horse milk.
And as if Yahweh hadn't cursed this wretched land enough, here comes the dreaded "Allghoi Khorkhoi." Worse even than the widely feared "Popo Bawa" (the Tanzanian ass-raping bat demon), the Allghoi Khorkhoi is a killer acid-spitting worm that shoots lightning out of its poo-hole (and no, silly...it isn't Glenn Beck!). It's been frollicking about terrorizing the miserable denizens of the Gobi Desert for the longest time.
So now a retarded cryptozoologist (those are the folks who believe in Sasquatch and Nessie, Thin Baptists, Heterosexual Evangelists, Unicorns and Alabamans with Teeth, among other fanciful creatures of folklore) is venturing into the Gobi in the hopes of encountering this thing. He's a New Zealander by the name of David Farrier and he's trekking about with a payload of dynamite (because the charming critter is attracted to tremors).
- If your town is infested by acid-spitting, lightning farting mega-worms, that's a pretty good indication to move. We hear South Dakota's lovely this time of year.
- If the creationists are right, and Yahweh created this enchanting creature, He must have been taking the LSD and listening to Quiet Riot. Or maybe He was crabby after everyone laughed at the aardvark and the platypus.
- Why exactly would a person use explosives to elicit a flash mob of Allghoi Khorkhois? It sounds exceedingly unpleasant. We can't imagine enjoying ourselves at a convention of acid-barfing, lightning pooping worms.
Which is why we're not a Log Cabin Republican.
4 out of 5 Mongolians say: "we'd rather subscribe to this blog's feed than encounter the acid spitting lightning farting death worm"